Chapter 11: The Frequency’s Off Today

It’s been a few days since I started calling Tsubasa-chan “Shirogane-san.”

“Morning, Kishine…”

“…Yeah. Morning, Shirogane-san.”

Without knowing what to do, I ended up keeping my distance from Tsubasa-chan. And like that, things just dragged on until now.

Truth is, I want to talk to her.

I want us to talk, just the two of us, and spend more and more time together.

But my shallow pride won’t allow it.

We promised to walk the skies together.

We promised to go on a journey, the two of us.

That promise made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

Thanks to Tsubasa-chan, I could believe in something like destiny.

But then—I realized.

The moment we set off on that journey, we’d be separated.

Once she steps into the sky, that pure, untarnished girl will grow white wings and soar far into the heavens.

But someone like me, with a heart so ugly, doesn’t get wings. I won’t even be able to set foot on the stairs—I’ll just be swallowed up by the earth.

If something like the stairway to heaven really exists, then that’s how it’ll go.

That’s why… being with Tsubasa-chan is scary.

Even though my heart longs for her, when I’m near her, it starts to tremble. I want to cry. It aches.

Because now I know for sure—I’m the only one who’ll be left behind.

I’ve come to hate myself for it. I want to run away, even die. But when I think about being apart from Tsubasa-chan, I can’t run, and I can’t die.

And yet, when it comes to wanting to try, to live, I’m a coward.

I can’t forgive myself, but I want to be forgiven.

I want her to stay untainted, but I also want her to be stained.

I keep avoiding her, but I want her to care.

My heart’s been torn into pieces, like a jigsaw puzzle scattered and broken.

I don’t know what I should do anymore.

I don’t even know what I want to do.

But—there’s one thing I know for sure.

…I miss you, Tsubasa-chan.

I spend my days holding my breath, just staying quiet.

Again today, there were no words between us.

Because I’m the one running from Tsubasa-chan.

Because she’s too beautiful.

And I’m so small-minded, so hopeless.

The only thing keeping me going now is how often our eyes meet.

I wonder what Tsubasa-chan thinks of me.

I want to know, but I’m scared. I’m scared, but I want to know.

So again today, I just look at her. And when our eyes meet—I look away.

And that’s how the day ends—or it should have.

“Tsubasa, you in here~?”

But something out of the ordinary happened.

A bright, cheerful voice called out Tsubasa-chan’s name.

Reflexively, I tightened my grip on my mechanical pencil and turned around. And there…

“There you are! I missed you, Tsubasa!”

Beaming with a wide, friendly smile, the girl ran up to Tsubasa-chan with full-on charm—that was Futaba-san.

…Wait… huh?

“…Who’s that?”

“Whaaat? That’s so mean! We’re besties and you forgot? You’re such a Tsunderella, Tsubasa-chan!”

“?”

“I’m your Futaba Misao! Today’s the day we go book-hopping for Dazai! Oh—don’t worry, I didn’t mean touring Dazaifu, so no need to pack for a trip to Fukuoka!”

“??”

“So anyway, let’s go, let’s go! As Dazai himself wrote: ‘Letters of happiness never arrive when you’re waiting for them.’”

Without hesitation, naturally, Futaba-san took Tsubasa-chan’s hand.

—Wait, what?

“Well then, shall we?”

With those words, Futaba-san led Tsubasa-chan by the hand and left the classroom. All I could do was gape like a fish, silently mouthing air as I watched them go.

My brain couldn’t keep up with what was happening. It was too ridiculous to process. I knew I had to do something, but I didn’t know what. My head was a mess, and I couldn’t move at all.

“…Kishine.”

Just before they left the classroom—half-dragged along—Tsubasa-chan softly called my name.

…But before I could respond, Futaba-san’s expression shifted completely. Gone was the usual blank look—in its place, a stupid, mocking smile aimed straight at me.

“I’m borrowing Tsubasa for a bit. —Sorry if I get her dirty, okay?”

────

My thoughts came to a halt.

It didn’t make any sense. None of it.

I couldn’t speak.

My body wouldn’t move.

My head was burning red.

My chest felt full of something murky, spilling over.

All I could do today… was watch smug little Futaba-san walk off in triumph.

Crack. Something made a sharp sound.

A prickle ran through my hand.

—My favorite mechanical pencil had been crushed in my grip.

---

Right now, I was walking through the city after school, being led by someone who looked like Futaba-san.

Yes—someone who looked like Futaba-san.

Because this person didn’t feel like Futaba-san.

After all, the real Futaba-san is always expressionless and mysterious... but today, she was smiling cheerfully and walking with a spring in her step.

This has to be a fake, right?

“There are so many books I want to recommend! First, we’ve got the absolute classic—The Setting Sun! And then you’ve gotta get a feel for Dazai’s overflowing loser energy, so Villon’s Wife is a must. Oh! But I think the one that fits Tsubasa best right now is Goodbye! It’s unfinished, yeah, but since it was his final work, you can really feel what Dazai wanted to express. I think… maybe it was more of a will than No Longer Human, you know?”

She was rattling on at an incredible pace—so loud it was almost annoying.

The energy was too much to keep up with, and honestly, only about half of it was even registering in my brain.

…Futaba-san is usually way more calm and quiet.

“Futaba, noisy.”

I meant to say “this doesn’t match my interpretation of her,” but what came out was a simpler, blunter denial.

Well, the meaning wasn’t that far off, so I guess it’s fine…

“Hehe, right? Today I’m a chaos girl! If I had to name her, she’d be Futaba Sou!”

Futaba… Sou?

“…Wrong name.”

“And for the record, I’m not some long-lost twin sister or anything—I really am Futaba Misao!”

She said it with a wink and a playful sparkle in her eyes.

My brain felt like it was glitching.

This wasn’t the usual quiet, mysterious Futaba-san. Or at least, it shouldn’t have been… and yet…

—Right now, she looked even more enigmatic than usual.

“…Sou.”

“You called?”

“Wrong.”

“Aw, too bad~”

Quiet Futaba-san and loud Futaba-san.

Which one is the real one…? Or are they both real?

“…Futaba.”

“Yeees?”

“…The Futaba from yesterday…”

I wanted to ask what happened. Why she was acting like this. Was she okay?

In response, as if she’d been waiting for the question, Futaba-san puffed out her chest and said—

“Don’t worry! Everything’s going exactly according to plan! Fufufu! Ufufufufufu!”

She was grinning smugly into a hand mirror for some reason. I had no idea what she was talking about, but at least I could tell she was totally fine.

…Well, whatever.

I didn’t really get it, but she looked like she was having fun.

…Maybe she saw I was feeling down about Kishine-san and decided to cheer me up.

Yesterday, she did say something like “I’ll handle it.”

I didn’t really know if that’s what was going on—but she was acting cheerful for my sake, and just being around her was lifting my mood too.

“Futaba.”

“Yees?”

“…Thank, you.”

So I managed to say thank you, somehow.

That loneliness inside me eased a little, and I guess it made it easier for my mouth to be honest.

At that, Futaba-san’s eyes sparkled brightly.

“Happiness comes a day late… I wonder if I’ll be savoring it tomorrow night~?”

“Hmm?”

“Hehe, nothing at all! I just got super happy because it felt like Tsubasa finally gave me a little dere~ moment!”

…Now that she mentioned it, looking back, I probably had only ever said harsh things to Futaba-san.

Getting called dere was a bit much, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try and speak more gently from now on.

“Hey, Tsubasa.”

“Yeah?”

“Dazai once wrote, ‘Wrath is the pinnacle of love.’ —Remember that, okay?”

Not really understanding, I nodded anyway.

Because today’s Futaba-san was a high-energy, cryptically-meaningful, mysterious girl. Even if she wasn’t the version of her I was used to, I found myself thinking—maybe this Futaba-san isn’t so bad either.

I’ve always had a weakness for mysterious girls.