Chapter 19: My Signal Reception Is Way Too Good (Not a Compliment)

I said it. I actually said it—I told her!

I told Tsubasa-chan I like her!!

"Futaba-san, listen. I told Tsubasa-chan how I feel!"

"...You got all worked up and told her to take you?"

"I told her I like her!"

We were at that usual burger joint after school, and I was telling Futaba-san the gist of what happened yesterday.

Honestly, I didn’t want to tell her anything. It’s a memory meant to be just between me and Tsubasa-chan… but still, it’s a fact that Futaba-san set the stage for it all.

So this report is a duty. Yeah, a duty.
It’s not because my heart is too small to keep something this big stuffed in my chest pocket or anything. Just… a little bit.

Receiving these feelings that were spilling out of my metaphorical pocket, Futaba-san—as usual—didn’t move a muscle on her expressionless face.

"So, you confessed and slept with her?"

"It—it wasn't a confession, okay?!"

She just blurts out shameless stuff with zero tact or emotional sensitivity. It’s like reading too much Dazai warped her brain into an STD.

"...So it’s just physical between you two?"

"It’s an emotional connection!"

"Mmgh."

I shoved a hamburger into her pervy mouth to shut up that chatty little thing. If she’s not talking, at least I don’t have to deal with how unbearable her face is.

"...You’ve got a rotten personality, Futaba-san."

She’s always annoying.

Even now, she’s just enjoying the whole situation.

…Just like that time she gave me the push I needed to make up with Tsubasa-chan.

"Munch munch, gulp. Kishine, suddenly jamming it in my mouth like that... so indecent."

And that, right there, is what makes her the worst.
Her word choices are truly atrocious.
Her personality’s trash too, so the only redeeming thing about her is how observant she is of others.

But even that—when paired with her mean-spirited nature that nitpicks people’s flaws—turns her into a full-blown mockery monster. She’s the kind of person who, if she ends up single and jobless, could become one of those dangerous “nothing to lose” types.

"The only indecent thing here is your imagination, Futaba-san! I told you it’s platonic!"

"Kishine, you’ve got a high sex drive, so you get hysterical quickly. It’s annoying. Tsubasa should handle that for you."

"You always say stuff like that. You’re the worst."

Why does she always try to make me and Tsubasa-chan do lewd stuff?

She likes Tsubasa-chan too, doesn’t she?

…Is it because she’s a pervert?

"Then let me ask you this."

She brushed off my protests like usual, in one ear and out the other.

I was about to get annoyed like always, but before I could, she continued calmly, like nothing had happened.

"Kishine, what would you do if Tsubasa and I kissed?"

"...I'd kill you."

She asked such a ridiculous question, I ended up giving a ridiculous answer. Maybe when the premise is broken, the answer naturally follows.

"Sudden death threat. I’m shaking in my boots."

"Even though you’re expressionless?"

"Kishine, you’re serious."

What the hell does Futaba-san even think I am?

Even if I’m rotten, I’m still Tsubasa-chan’s friend. At most, I’d hang her in a swimsuit from the school gate.

But ignoring my inner vow, Futaba-san continued speaking.

As if there was an inevitable conclusion waiting.

"But if you can’t forgive that, then you do understand."

Futaba-san’s face was still blank.

But she had one obvious difference from Tsubasa-chan.

Her eyes.

Tsubasa-chan’s eyes are always clear and see-through, but not Futaba-san’s.

In place of her unmoving face, her eyes do a lot of talking.
Right now, they’re dull and half-lidded. That’s her “I’m so done with you” look.

She has no idea how I feel…

"...I said it at the beginning, didn’t I? I told Tsubasa-chan I like her."

"Was that... a confession?"

"...Not really."

"Useless."

"Shut up!"

Tsubasa-chan told me she liked me—honestly, from the heart, up on the rooftop. I just wanted to respond to that. To her... friendship.

Tsubasa-chan’s “I like you” isn’t, you know… that kind of like. She meant she treasures me as a friend—that’s all.

...That is what she meant, right?

"Tsubasa likes you, Kishine."

"Not in the gross way you keep suggesting, Futaba-san!"

"Did you ask Tsubasa that?"

"I don’t need to ask! That would never happen!"

Forcing everything into a romantic narrative is way more unnatural.

Besides, it’s not like I...

"I just want to be with Tsubasa-chan, that’s all. It’s not like that..."

When I’m with her, I feel like I’ve finally found someone. Like a true comrade in this world—an ally, a partner in crime, a precious compass.

After spending time together, I realized maybe I was mistaken. But even so, I still want to be with Tsubasa-chan.

She’s cute, lovable, pure, translucent, like the colors of the sunset... she's wonderful.

Just looking at her fills me with energy. I want to keep watching her. I love it when she says, “See you tomorrow.” It makes me look forward to tomorrow.

To me, Tsubasa-chan is... no, not just in school—she’s my anchor in life.

What do you call something like this again?

Right, that’s it!

"Tsubasa-chan is... my oshi!"

That’s it. That’s what this is.

That vague sense of guilt that’s been drifting in my chest all this time—it’s finally been refined into something clear.

My heart’s telling me with certainty: this is the answer.

"Like how Dazai is for me?"

"I don’t want to lump her in with that, but yeah, probably!"

Yeah, this fits.

Tsubasa-chan is someone I can truly support. Just thinking that gives me strength.

"Hmph."

"That’s why, Futaba-san, don’t say any more weird stuff, okay?"

I’m fully armed with logic—completely airtight.

I was on cloud nine, crushing Futaba-san’s false accusations with no mercy.

Never again do I want her to say such insulting things—like I’m eyeing Tsubasa-chan like a creep or that I’m just waiting to pounce and satisfy my carnal urges.

Tsubasa-chan is my oshi, after all!

"And yet, you still expect something in return from Tsubasa."

"...What did you just say?"

"You're spineless and gutless."

"Kindly refrain from baseless slander."

"You’re just taking the easy way out."

"Ugh, there you go mocking me again."

Normally, I might’ve wanted to give her a little slap for that. But right now, my heart felt clear—light and refreshed.

She actually listened to what I had to say, and even Futaba-san’s usual snide remarks just rolled off me. Because I’d finally defined exactly what Tsubasa-chan meant to me!

“Dazai once wrote, ‘When you’re too embarrassed to say something, it means you value yourself.’”

"It’s not embarrassment—I just couldn’t put it into words until now!"

Right now, I might be unstoppable.

That moment of realization felt truly life-changing, from the bottom of my heart.

"Kishine, what’s with your periodic mental breakdowns? Did the dirty part of your soul short-circuit from telling pure, innocent Tsubasa that you like her? Is your brain fried now? Poor Tsubasa… I’ve got to help her..."

"Futaba-san, that whisper was small, but I heard it. If you’re going to insult me, say it clearly—so I can punch you properly."

"The worst."

"That’s my line, as always!"

Futaba-san stared at me with that same blank expression, but her eyes screamed total exasperation. I could tell she was mocking me for being so giddy.

But I was in such a good mood that I decided to let it slide—for now!

"—You really are the worst right now, Kishine."

"I’ve heard that one too many times, Futaba-san."

She always says that. I just let it wash over me and started humming a little tune, already thinking about what I’d do next time I see Tsubasa-chan.

Maybe I’ll make a fan with “Tsubasa-chan LOVE” written on it!

---

Today, the sunset felt especially long—it really made me realize that summer’s here. It’s kind of amazing how the days stretch out, like we get more time to live and do things.

Though in my case, all I ever really do is sit up here on the rooftop and watch the sun go down.

Summer. After the exams, it’ll be summer break.
…Will Rio-chan come see me during break too?

Today, for the first time in a while, I started thinking about Rio-chan not being next to me—and it made me feel a little uneasy. But at the same time, strangely relieved.

Because yesterday...

“──I like you too, Tsubasa-chan.”

She said that to me.

Even if she didn’t mean it seriously, even if I’m not supposed to take it at face value—if someone says something like that to you… you do start thinking about it.

The flutter in my chest from that moment still hadn’t gone away. That bittersweet feeling still clung to me.

I told myself I’d have to get a handle on it. That the next time I saw Rio-chan, I’d be able to talk to her like normal.

It’s fine. It’s totally fine.

Rio-chan just said it as a friend—like, not love love, just like.

And besides, if I did get the wrong idea...

"Tsubasa-chan, two girls can’t make a baby, you know. Even if your soul was a boy in your past life and you’re some kind of eternal virgin, you’re a girl now."

"...Wait—hold on. Are you trying for an immaculate virgin conception or something? Sorry, Tsubasa-chan, but even you can’t make that not gross."

If the conversation actually went there and Rio-chan never came near me again, I’d totally lose it!

That’s why—I’m not crushing on her. I’m not trying to do any weird virgin miracle stuff either.

That’s the honest truth, so please believe me…

Twisting up inside with that prayer—please don’t start hating me, Rio-chan—I suddenly heard the rooftop door creak open.

My spine jolted straight.

After all, there’s only one person who ever comes up here.

And it’s not exactly the kind of moment where I could say, “Oh, what a coincidence, I was just thinking about you.” The stuff I’d been imagining was way too ridiculous for that.

Still, I had to look. Even if I was scared, I had to check.

So I turned around and saw...

"Tsubasa, I need to talk to you."

…it was the exception. Futaba-san was standing there.

Honestly, I felt kind of relieved.

If it had been Rio-chan, I think I might’ve blurted out something completely insane.

While my face stayed neutral, I let myself exhale internally as Futaba-san silently walked right up to me.

"Tsubasa. Listen to me."

"What is it, Futaba?"

There was something unusually serious in Futaba-san’s eyes—it made me straighten my back just a little.

It felt like she was about to say something important.

And then Futaba-san said—

"Kishine’s broken. Her brain’s gone full sugar-coated syphilitic space case. Help me fix her."

…She said something unbelievable.

…Huh? What?

I seriously had no idea what she just said.

Please forgive me for not grasping Futaba-san’s words the first time around.

What even is “sugar-coated syphilitic space case” supposed to mean…?