Chapter 22: May the Signal Never Reach the Sky

The first day of summer break. Rain fell at dusk.

Thick clouds covered the sky, and a gentle wind stirred the air.

The rain wasn’t heavy, but the sky remained shrouded in clouds for hours.

All things considered, the conditions weren’t bad at all. Probably the best chance in this lifetime.

──It was the perfect day to see the angel’s ladder.

Also known as crepuscular rays, or the stairway of angels.

The great literary master, Kenji Miyazawa, apparently called them “pipes of light on a heavenly organ.”

I’d been waiting on the rooftop all this time, and it looked like the moment I’d hoped for was finally coming.

Just thinking about it made my heart flutter with excitement.

That glimmer I’d seen in my past life—the light so beautiful it made the air feel light. A sight that could make you feel blessed just by looking at it, like everything inside you could be cleansed away.

A fragment of the gods’ world, spilling from the sky.

Maybe the land of the gods really does exist, hidden between the clouds.

...Just kidding!

Still, the chance to see it had finally come, and I was totally hyped.

It’s not like it was guaranteed, and it wouldn’t be strange if it didn’t show up at all. But you know, the way things have been going for me lately... I really feel like I will get to see it!

Ever since I met Rio-chan, life’s been fun.

Before, I used to just sit up here alone on the roof, daydreaming. But Rio-chan brought color to that lonely little world of mine.

Talking is fun, calling each other by name feels special, and holding hands makes me all fidgety.

When we fight, it gets hard to breathe. When I upset her, I get all gloomy. And when I tease her, it makes my chest ache.

Every day used to be painted in the same sunset hue—but after meeting Rio-chan, the world suddenly became so vivid, it’s dizzying.

Now I’ve started looking forward to tomorrow, thinking something wonderful might be waiting.

That’s why I really think I’ll see it.

I’ll see the angel’s ladder!

It’s all just wishful thinking, but wouldn’t it be amazing if it came true?

I’d once asked Rio-chan if she wanted to watch it with me, and it flustered her, so this time I’m going alone and planning to show her the photos afterward.

I’ll do my best to take something beautiful, and then we can look at them together and get all mysterious about it, okay, Rio-chan?

And actually, well... I’m looking forward to seeing the angel’s ladder, but just as much, I’m looking forward to looking at the photos with Rio-chan.

If I can take something really pretty, and it makes her happy, I’ll be over the moon.

“Rio, I think we might see it.”

So, you know, Rio-chan...

“What do you think you might see, Tsubasa-chan?”

If you look at the photo I took and you feel something from it...

“──I think we might see the angel’s ladder.”

──Next time, I want us to go see it together.

If you say yes, then it’ll mean I invited you on a date.

A date with Rio-chan... I can’t say it directly, so I’ll borrow a little courage from the gods.

Ehehe, I can’t stop trembling already!

And then, on the day itself, under a sky of light rain.

I stood on the school rooftop, praying like Moses for a miracle, that a beam of light might break through the clouds.

The rooftop door—where no one was supposed to come—creaked open with a heavy noise. Then came the sound of footsteps approaching.

"...Tsubasa-chan, you're not using an umbrella."

“Ri...o?”

──Rio-chan, who I thought couldn’t come, was standing there beneath the rainy sky.

For a moment, a fleeting hope stirred in my chest.

Maybe… maybe she came to see the angel’s ladder with me.

"...You'll catch a cold."

But something felt off.

Something about Rio-chan's presence.

Maybe it was because the sky was overcast instead of bathed in sunset light, but—

Today, Rio-chan seemed… somehow downcast.

"Are you… okay?"

Worried, I gently supported her by the shoulders.

On days like this, when the air pressure tends to spike, maybe she’s especially sensitive to it, I thought.

"...I'm not okay."

Yet despite how weak her voice sounded, she clung to me with a shocking strength.

…It actually hurt a little.

"R-Rio?"

A sharp pain pricked across my back.

She was squeezing me so tightly, even her nails had started digging in.

Rio-chan, what’s going on?

Are you hurting? Are you in pain?

If you are, just tell me.

If you're suffering, I’ll help you right away!

"...Hey, Tsubasa-chan. Will you… listen to me?"

"...Yeah."

So I let her talk, just as she was.

Even though she was still holding me tight, I could feel the desperation in her grip. I rubbed her back gently, like I was just laying a hand there.

It’s okay now—I tried to pour that into the way I touched her.

"...You’re so kind, Tsubasa-chan."

"Mm."

"──But… you're cruel too."

Her nails dug in deeper.

They were probably going to leave marks.

Was she afraid?

Afraid of what, Rio-chan?

"What is it? What did you want to tell me?"

"...About me."

"Okay."

I stayed quiet, resisting the urge to react. I just listened.

All I wanted was for Rio-chan to calm down.

It wasn’t the kind of story I’d imagined—some physical pain or illness—but thinking about it, she never really talked about herself much, did she?

"Tell me."

When I gently urged her, Rio-chan gave a tiny nod.

"Um… I… I’ve always──hated myself."

She began to speak in a soft, trembling voice.

…And I reached around to hold her too, hoping it would ease her burden, even a little.

"I’m… apparently a good girl."

That’s why I was confused.

I didn’t understand how that connected to what she just said.

After all, Rio-chan had always been kind to me in so many ways.

If someone asked me whether she was a good person, I’d say yes without hesitation.

But her face was far from cheerful.

In fact, it was only getting darker.

…What did being a “good girl” mean to Rio-chan?

"I’m not very good at handling things."

That whisper by my ear was filled with self-derision.

Even though she was smiling faintly, there was nothing happy about it.

And the arms wrapped around me hadn’t relaxed in the slightest.

"My mom and dad both went to good schools, got into good universities, and landed good jobs. They’re smart, capable, and can do almost anything with ease."

Rather than letting go, she clung to me even more tightly—like she was hanging on just to survive.

…And I noticed Rio-chan’s arms were trembling.

“And yet, even though I’m their child… I can’t do anything. I have to push myself so hard—go through so much just to get decent grades. And even then, I don’t like sports. I’m not good at anything else either… I don’t have a single redeeming quality.”

She was half-smiling, but her voice was laced with tears.

The light drizzle falling around us felt like it was just Rio-chan’s sadness spilling over.

…No redeeming qualities? That’s not true at all.

“I don’t really get scolded by my mom or dad,” she continued. “They just sigh. Like they’re thinking, ‘How could she stumble over something so simple?’ You know what that means, right? —Sighing like that, it’s what people do after they’ve already given up on you.”

It was overwhelming—such biting self-deprecation, so relentless it bordered on painful. Her self-esteem was dangerously low. I only just now realized something that important.

What have I been seeing when I looked at Rio-chan all this time…?

“But still, my mom and dad—deep down, they’re convinced there must be something good about me. Because I’m their daughter. They want to believe that. And so—”

She buried her face against my back.

Her voice was muffled, but I heard it clearly.

“‘…Rio is a good girl, though.’ That’s the only identity my parents ever gave me.”

That’s what she meant, back when she first said she was a “good girl.”

I finally understood.

In other words… Rio-chan believes they only say that because there’s nothing else to compliment her on. That it’s just something they settle on saying.

“…It’s all a lie. I’m not a good girl.”

She couldn’t praise herself. And even when others did, it all just sounded like empty flattery.

A girl who couldn’t see a single thing good about herself. That’s who Rio-chan really was—and every word out of her mouth now made that heartbreakingly clear.

She’d been carrying that suffocating weight for so long.

“I was always wondering, why can’t I do anything right? That feeling of inferiority wouldn’t go away. Because… my little sister—two years younger than me—she takes after our parents. She could do just about anything.”

So she had a younger sister.

One who was apparently very gifted.

If she’s anything like Rio-chan, she’s probably sweet and adorable too. But… maybe that’s exactly why it made things worse.

…Maybe Rio-chan always felt like she was being compared.

“I started resenting my parents. I wanted to avoid my sister. So… I enrolled in a school far from home. Moved out. I thought maybe if I lived on my own, I could finally be free of this heavy feeling in my chest.”

So Rio-chan had been living alone, too.

“…But it didn’t help at all. The heaviness—the pain and blackness in my chest—it didn’t go away. I’ve been drowning this whole time. In this ugly, black tar that fills my heart—I’ve just been sinking in it.”

From the start, Rio-chan had only been saying things that hurt herself. Crying out that she was in pain. Begging.

She’d been carrying this around… all alone, through so many nights.

I wish I had noticed sooner…

“There’s no good girl anywhere. I’m not anything anymore… there’s nothing left of me.”

I pulled Rio-chan into a tight embrace.

I wanted her to feel it. That she wasn’t alone—that I was right here.

“Then what am I? If I don’t have anything left—why am I even still breathing?”

…No.

No, that’s not okay.

Don’t say any more. Don’t hurt yourself any further…

"Rio is… Rio. And to me, you’re someone irreplaceable."

"Even after knowing how filthy my heart is…?"

This time, it was my turn to hold her as tightly as I could.

I wanted to share even a little bit of the loneliness and sadness overflowing from Rio-chan’s heart.

"...I love you."

I poured everything into those words—my feelings, my honesty.

If she truly felt like she was nothing, then I wanted us to decide together from now on who she was going to be.

Rio-chan is already wonderful—but I know we can keep filling her heart with even more, just like the other day, when mine had overflowed with that same sweet, aching feeling.

"...Tsubasa-chan, do you really think you love me?"

"Believe me."

I’ve always been on Rio-chan’s side.

No matter what happens, always.

With that unwavering conviction, I answered her clearly—and then Rio-chan...

"──Then, if you had to choose between the angel’s ladder and me, which would you pick?"

"...Rio."

For a second, I wondered why she’d even ask me to compare those two.

But if I had to choose… then without question, it would be Rio-chan.

Because to me, she’s already someone I could never replace.

"I see… Then, um… would you come with me to where I live? Could you… leave this place, right now?"

Rio-chan was testing me.

Like she was reaching out in the middle of her anxiety, trying desperately to hold on to something.

"...Okay."

There was no way I could brush aside that fragile, trembling hand.

Right now, more than the sky, I chose to take Rio-chan’s hand—the most important hand in the world to me. I decided I could reach for the sky again… some other time.

At last, the strength in her arms began to ease.

The nails that had dug into me slipped quietly away.

"...I’m sorry, Tsubasa-chan."

"Mm."

"I believe you… I love you too."

And then, we took a small step back and looked at each other.

…Rio-chan’s face was red and swollen from all the crying.

---

Tsubasa-chan was probably planning to leave today.

To free herself from everything… and become 21 grams lighter.

But when I called out to her, she stopped.

She didn’t care about getting tainted—she held me close, heart and all.

It made me so happy. It made me realize that she truly, truly cared about me.

And it made me fall for her even more—because she embraced even the dirtiest parts of me.

…But now you’re stained, aren’t you, Tsubasa-chan?

You hugged someone like me. Told me you loved me.

Your pure white body and heart… they’re probably dyed with my color now.

Do you think someone like that—someone like you—could still be loved by God?

…Then again, if it’s you, Tsubasa-chan… maybe God would still hold you close, just the same.

So, hey—I'm sorry, okay?