XX Addiction EP.9

"....Yawn...." It's been half a year since I was reincarnated into Kivotos as a girl. Now, living in Hoshino's house feels completely natural. Of course, that doesn't mean my daily life has changed much. Rustle "Ugh!" Drip... Drip... If anything, self-harm and suicide attempts have become a daily routine, and I feel anxious if I don't do it. 'Is this how people who can't quit smoking feel?' Anyway, I've spent the last six months like this, but it's not like nothing happened. Ever since I was caught self-harming by Nonomi and Shiroko, Hoshino and the others have been doing everything they can to stop me. Honestly, I only feel sorry for them. They're going through so much trouble because of a guy like me. But when I express these feelings, they just look like they're about to cry and try even harder, so I don't know what to do. "It's too late anyway...." Their effort and persistence are truly amazing. They haven't given up on me once in half a year, so it wouldn't be strange if my future self eventually gave in to their persuasion. But even then, the day I give up on suicide won't come. "It's too late to turn back now...." "....Sora, are you really okay?" "...I told you I am. More importantly, isn't that a truck, Shiroko?" "...Yes. Drone deployment initiated." At my signal, Shiroko launched a drone and fired a missile at the truck. BOOOOOOM!! A tremendous explosion followed, and the truck overturned. We immediately ran towards it. "Cough, cough... What, what?! An explosion?! The truck exploded while driving?! Was it hit by a shell? Wh-where from?" "Serika-chan confirmed! Found her!!" "A-Ayane?!" "I see her too! I found Serika crying!" '...Damn, am I too late...' I wanted to save her before she cried, but it seemed it was impossible. "What?! Our young lady was crying? Did she cry because she missed us? I didn't even know!" "Ugh, ugh?! Shut up!! I wasn't crying, I wasn't crying!!" '...I'm sorry, Serika.' I apologized silently to Serika, who was being teased by everyone. Of course, that didn't stop them from teasing her. "Liar! I saw you crying!" "Don't cry, Serika-chan! We're here, we'll wipe away your tears-!" "Ah, you're so annoying! I said I wasn't! Just!! Shut up-!!" 'Really sorry...' "Still, I'm glad Serika's safe." "What, S-Sensei too?! How did you find us here?!" "Rescuing a kidnapped princess is the hero's role-!" "St-! St...! Stupid! What are you saying!!! Are you out of your mind?! Want me to kill you? Wh-who's a princess?!" 'Still... It seems Serika's capture is complete.' Her words are harsh, but her face was slightly flushed earlier, and there's a new sense of trust in her eyes. 'If things continue like this, she'll soon gain everyone's trust.' "I'm really glad...." "....Sora-chan? Are you okay?" "...Huh? Oh... I'm fine...." Is it because things went well? I feel a bit drained, but I'm fine. "Uhehe, you seem fine. Mission accomplished." "I'm glad... Serika-chan, I was worried about what would happen to you." "Ayane-chan...." "....The touching reunion is nice, but shouldn't we stay alert?" Fortunately, we stopped the truck in time, but this is Helmet Gang territory, so we can't let our guard down. "Right. The hostage transport vehicle is destroyed, so the flies will swarm in." "Numerous Helmet Gang troops confirmed ahead! And a large heavy weapon is confirmed! They're slowly forming an encirclement!" '...So they noticed.' "Nice timing... well, not really, but let's break through them and go back?" "...Yes, let's finish this quickly and go." I already don't feel well, and staying up all night is making me feel like I'll collapse. It's best to go home and rest. "....Be careful, they have a modified heavy tank." "Yeah. I know. It's a modified Flak 41." Hearing Serika and Shiroko, we readied our weapons, wary of the Helmet Gang. "Let's go." At Hoshino's signal, everyone charged towards the Helmet Gang. "Alright, kill them all..." And at Hoshino's signal, I also tried to run toward the enemies, but "Huh, what? What's wrong?" 'My vision is blurry...' For some reason, my vision blurred, and my body tilted. Thud "Eh? So-Sora-chan?!" Finally, as my body hit the floor, I heard Hoshino's panicked voice before losing consciousness. * "...Ugh... Where am I?" When I opened my eyes, I was in a hospital room I'd been to a few times before. "Ah, I passed out...." It's ridiculous that I collapsed from eating a single bowl of ramen, but the problem is "Hoshino must be worried...." Usually, I'm fine even after suicide attempts, but collapsing after eating ramen means she's probably extremely worried. Her overprotectiveness, which she had been suppressing, might resurface. "...Ah, I want to self-harm." Not only am I frustrated about collapsing from a single bowl of ramen and failing to save Serika, but passing out at the most crucial moment makes me want to self-harm like crazy. I scratched my bandaged wrist, suppressing the urge to self-harm. It might seem strange to want to self-harm in this situation, but for me, self-harm was not only a means of suicide but also a way to relieve stress. It was probably less than half a year ago, but after self-harming so much, it eventually reached a point where it brought me relief and a sense of security. ...Of course, it meant the wounds on my wrists became increasingly severe, requiring me to change the bandages frequently, but still. Anyway, until last year, I used self-harm to relieve stress, but I had stopped due to a promise I made with Hoshino around the time the new students arrived. However... "...I want to self-harm." Recently, with Ayane and Sensei catching me trying to self-harm, and collapsing after eating ramen, I've been under so much stress that I can't hold it in. 'Of course, Ayane caught me trying to self-harm recently, and Shiroko, who has PTSD, clung to me telling me not to...' "...If I do it secretly, it should be fine, right?" As much as I worry about Ayane and Shiroko with her triggered trauma, that's only if they catch me. If they don't, it should be okay, right? "...Ha, is this an addiction?" It seems I really can't go back to how I was before. "...Then, should I go out for some fresh air?" Ultimately, unable to resist the urge, I snuck out of the hospital with a single bandage, like a middle-aged man eager for a cigarette after a long period of abstinence.