Chapter 136: Anxiety and Restlessness
After finishing the family discussion, we decided to head back home.
"You're coming over too, Hisui?"
Hisui, who had walked us to the front door, was putting on her shoes like she planned to come along.
"Well, of course. I'm worried about Alice... and there's nothing to do at home anyway."
Her tone made it clear she found the question mildly offensive.
"You could, I don’t know, listen to Souta’s worries or something."
"Pass."
My suggestion was flatly rejected by Hisui.
Her unbending attitude made me feel a little sorry for Souta. He’s going through with unwanted sex just like I am, so why is no one showing him any concern? Even during the discussion, Dad called out to him, but no one actually checked if he was okay with it…
Maybe that’s just how it is with guys losing their virginity. Still, doing it with your former male best friend? That’s gotta be rough, right?
That said, your first time is something you remember forever.
Some people say a bad experience can leave a lasting trauma.
Since I’m asking for his help for my own sake, I want to do everything I can to make it a good memory for him.
…Should I pretend to enjoy it?
I’ve heard it hurts the first time.
…Then again, it can’t be worse than getting a hole blown through my stomach during the Demon Lord fight. If it’s for Souta’s memory, I guess I can grit my teeth through the pain and act like it feels good. Probably.
“…What’s up? You’ve been making all kinds of weird faces.”
As I was lost in thought, Yuna spoke to me, concerned.
“Ah, no, I was just wondering… if it really hurts the first time…”
“Hmm, depends on the person, I guess? There’s stuff like physical compatibility and, uh, size. But in your case, Alice… it might be rough.”
Yuna eyed my body with a slightly troubled look.
“Ugh…”
I don’t know anything about compatibility.
But given how small I am overall, that part is probably on the small side too.
“What about Souta? He’s big, so I doubt he’s… you know, small.”
“Oh, he’s… big.”
“Wait, you’ve seen Souta’s… that?”
“Well, yeah… we were both guys back then.”
If you go to a hot spring together, it’s not like you can not see it.
Souta and I used to treat each other like rivals and competed over everything.
I did beat him in height, but I always felt quietly frustrated that he had me slightly beat in that area.
Souta probably noticed too, but he never bragged about it—that was probably him being tactful. It's a sensitive thing, after all.
…Still, what we saw of each other was only the normal state.
I was confident in my growth rate, so if it came down to it, I definitely wouldn’t have lost to Souta when fully ready.
Not that a guy’s worth is defined by the size of that thing in the first place.
“…Wait, what am I even trying to justify here…”
I shook my head, trying to clear the unnecessary thoughts.
Either way, it’s not something I have anymore.
“…But still, that thing, inside me… yeah, no, that sounds impossible.”
Even remembering what I used to have, I can’t imagine that going in there.
Sure, it’s the place where babies come out, so technically it’s probably a lot more elastic—but in reality, I can’t even get a single finger in without it feeling impossibly tight.
“Y-You can do it… maybe…?”
“I-I’ll be fine.”
All I could manage in response to Yuna’s awkward encouragement was a strained smile.
The whole time, Hisui just stood silently next to us, watching with a look of exasperation.
“We’re back!”
We returned to my house.
Mom and Dad had messaged saying they were grabbing lunch together before heading home, so the house was empty.
“I’ll go get the bath ready, okay? Come downstairs once you’ve got your clothes sorted, Alice.”
After washing my hands and rinsing my mouth at the sink, I split off from Yuna and went to my room with Hisui.
“So this is… your room, huh.”
Hisui followed me in, then stopped at the entrance and looked around the place.
That reaction was amusingly similar to her brother’s.
“Come to think of it, Hisui… it’s been about two years since you were last in my room, right?”
“Two years… has it really been that long?”
Back when I was still a guy, Souta and I would hang out at each other’s houses almost every day after school. Yuna and Hisui would join us about twice a week, so they ended up coming to my room fairly often too.
“You’ve made it awfully cute since then, huh.”
“…You think so?”
Even Hisui commented on it. Aside from some new accessories and trinkets, the stuffed animals, and such, I’d left the furniture exactly the way it was back when I was a guy, so I didn’t think it looked that different…
“Well, I’m gonna get changed, so make yourself at home.”
Once inside, Hisui sat down on the bed where she always used to sit. I paid her no mind and began getting my change of clothes ready. I was used to having her around, so being alone together didn’t make me feel awkward or anything.
I pulled open the underwear drawer from the plastic three-tier dresser in front of the bed. Inside, everything was neatly folded—panties and bras lined up in tidy rows.
“Souta probably likes white, huh…”
I picked out a white set from the drawer.
That said, almost everything I had was colored or patterned. I only owned two sets in white.
One was a simple cotton pair with a red ribbon on the front. Plain and cute. Mom bought it for me right after I got this body. If I went with this one, a plain bra would be the safest match.
The other was a matching bra and panties set made of glossy satin, trimmed with delicate lace. I bought it together with Yuna at a lingerie shop.
I laid both sets out on the bed and pondered.
“Hmm…”
The lacy set was clearly the sexier choice—what you’d call ‘battle underwear’. But it was kind of embarrassing to wear something so obviously chosen to impress… I tried it on when I bought it, and it felt like I was pretending to be more mature than I really was.
The simple set was more age-appropriate and had a kind of innocence to it, but for a first time, it might be a little too plain. I couldn’t decide.
“You’re putting a lot of thought into this, huh.”
Hisui peeked over my shoulder and commented.
“Well, I mean… knowing it’s going to be seen, you kinda—wah!?”
I didn’t get to finish.
Hisui tackled me from behind, knocking me flat.
Before I knew it, she was straddling me on the bed.
“W-What’s gotten into you, Hisui…?”
“No reason… Not like it pissed me off that you were picking out underwear for that guy or anything.”
…That’s definitely what this is about.
“Are you… mad?”
Her fingers gently touched my cheek.
“I’m not mad. It’s just… thinking that your first time is going to be with him doesn’t sit well with me, that’s all.”
I was Hisui’s girlfriend—and even her fiancée.
There’s no way she could be happy about me sleeping with Souta.
We’d only been intimate once, on our hot springs trip, and even then she’d been careful not to take my virginity.
I’d been with Yuna a few times since then, but technically, I was still a virgin.
And if things went on like this, Souta would be the one to take that from me.
“…Hey, should we… do it now instead?”
Even if sleeping with Souta was unavoidable, I thought maybe I should at least give my first time to Hisui. That’s what made me ask.
But Hisui just shook her head, a bit regretfully, and muttered bitterly:
“…I’m on my period.”
“Oh…”
“It’s so frustrating…”
She pressed her index finger into my cheek, squishing it gently, toying with me. After a few seconds of that, her finger suddenly stilled.
“…Maybe I should just take it with my finger, right now.”
The sadistic edge in her voice made me flinch. But I swallowed my nerves, shut my eyes tightly, and answered her anyway.
“…Okay. If that’s what you want.”
I couldn’t think of any other way to be there for her right now.
If there was something Hisui wanted from me, I wanted to give it to her.
“…I’m kidding. You’ve already got enough to deal with having your first time be with Souta. I wouldn’t pile more on top of that.”
Hearing her voice, I exhaled and felt my tension drain away.
Sex with Hisui was so rough and confusing—sometimes feeling good, sometimes painful—that it had left me with a bit of a trauma.
Feeling a little guilty about holding those feelings inside, I decided to apologize to her.
“Having your fiancée held by another guy—that must really hurt. I wasn’t thinking about your feelings… I’m sorry.”
When I apologized, a look of confusion flickered across Hisui’s face, and her gaze drifted away.
“Why… are you apologizing? You haven’t done anything wrong. This whole situation is because of me… yes, everything is what I wanted.”
Her expression twisted in anguish—
And tears began to fall from her eyes.
“I thought maybe I could bear it if it was Souta, but I couldn’t. Still, it must be so much harder for you… So even if it hurts, if it’s with you, I can endure it. That’s why I thought I had to be the one to support you…!”
“Hisui…”
“How can you be so considerate of others? Not just me, but even Souta. You’re about to be with someone you don’t want to be with. So why… why can you do that?”
Her tears dripped onto my chest.
“Ugh… ah… I’m the worst. Taking it out on you like this… Saying I’d be your support and then doing this…”
“It’s okay, it’s okay…”
I wrapped my arms around her head, pulling her close to my chest so she could feel safe. I stroked the back of her head gently.
We stayed like that until she calmed down.
“…I’m sorry.”
Finally, Hisui apologized.
“Sorry, Alice. I never meant to say those things…”
“It’s alright. I don’t mind. Honestly, I don’t really feel sad… I’m more happy, actually. Because there’s something I can do for Alicia.”
“Ikuto…”
I’ve been through a lot in another world—meetings and partings, life and death.
So even if things get hard, I consider myself lucky as long as I don’t lose my life.
…And compared to someone sacrificing themselves for me, this is a thousand times better.
Besides, I really am grateful to Hisui. Just as she saved me, I want to treasure her. I know she’ll have to endure some pain for a while…
But she’s still my lover.
I wiped her tears away with my finger and quietly pressed my lips to hers.
Our first kiss.
Changing angle and place, I kissed her softly, like gentle pecks.
“Mm… nnngh!?”
As I was about to end the kiss, Hisui pressed her lips back against mine. She cupped my head with both hands and demanded a fierce kiss.
“Fuh… nn!”
Her tongue forced open my lips, invading my mouth.
I tried to respond, sticking my tongue out, only to have hers entwine with mine, wrapping around it.
“Nn… fuu… ah…”
We lost ourselves, tongues desperately tangling.
The wet, sinful sounds from inside our mouths echoed directly in my mind, melting my thoughts away.
Our mucous membranes tangled messily, blurring the boundary between us. We became creatures that existed solely to entwine tongues.
I have no idea how long it lasted.
When I came to, Hisui’s face had pulled away.
My head was a foggy mess, my breath ragged and gasping for air.
“This was my first kiss,” Hisui said with a defiant smile.
But…
“Uh, sorry… this isn’t my first kiss…”
Before I could correct her, her index finger pressed firmly against my lips.
“This is our first kiss as lovers, right?”
“Y-Yeah.”
“Then it’s fine.”
Hisui smiled beautifully, then got off the bed and stood up.
“Well then, I’m heading home.”
“Mm… okay.”
“…Thanks, Ikuto.”
She gave a small wave and left my room.
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