Chapter 156: Tears
April 17 – Week 1, Day 5
Thanks to Yuna’s lessons, Souta had changed since that day.
Before, Souta only had sex for his own pleasure, with no sense of composure. But starting last Wednesday, he began to enjoy making me feel good too—he’d started finding joy in us both feeling it together.
That shift from self-centeredness was something to be happy about, objectively speaking. But personally, my feelings were complicated.
Having my weak spots toyed with, making pitiful noises in front of Souta, or letting him see the face I made when I felt good—it all came with a strange sense of defeat. I hated that. And the fact that Souta could come whenever he wanted, while I was just made to come by him, didn’t sit right with me either.
That said, I didn’t really have the desire to take the lead and make Souta climax either.
I climaxed more often than him. It’s probably due to the general difference between men, whose pleasure fades quickly afterward, and women, whose doesn’t. Still, I didn’t like the idea that I might be more hooked on this whole thing than Souta was.
Even at school, I couldn’t talk to Souta like before. Things had gotten awkward.
During after-school duels in the clubroom, I’d suddenly remember things from when we were doing it and get flustered. Then Souta would pick up on that and get flustered himself, messing up in ways he normally wouldn’t.
The two girls who knew the truth had very different reactions: one watched us with a warm, amused smile, the other stared with such murderous coldness it felt sub-zero.
And then, there was someone else in the clubroom.
Probably because our behavior was so obviously off.
“Miss Alice, there’s something I’d like to talk about with you… Would you come to my house after club today?”
Coming back from the restroom, I found Suzuka waiting for me in the hallway outside the clubroom—and that’s what she said.
The moment had finally come.
Since parting with Alicia, I hadn’t really spoken to Suzuka. Spring break had kept us apart, sure, but even after school resumed, guilt over not telling her about Souta kept me from talking to her like I used to. She seemed to have taken my distance as grief over losing Alicia, and had quietly given me space.
But lately, I think she’s sensed something in the way I’ve been acting toward Souta.
I knew I had to come clean and apologize to Suzuka. I just… hadn’t been able to deal with it, being so caught up in my own mess.
...It’s time to face it.
After club, I messaged Souta to let him know I’d be late and walked with Suzuka to the condominium where she lived. Thanks to her making light conversation the whole way, it didn’t turn into one of those painfully silent walks.
I’d been to Suzuka’s place a few times before, but today it felt oddly uncomfortable. Probably because of the guilt I felt toward her.
She gestured for me to sit on the L-shaped sofa in the living room. Apparently, the butler, Andou-san, was out shopping, so we’d be alone for a while.
I sipped the tea Suzuka poured for me, wetting my throat—and realizing just how dry it had gotten.
For a while, the only sound in the room came from the clinking of tableware.
“Suzuka… I’m sorry.”
Those were the first words I managed to say.
“...Why are you apologizing?”
Suzuka tilted her head gently, her voice calm. The gesture was so perfectly her—elegant, refined.
“Because I betrayed you…”
“You mean with Souta-san, correct?”
I nodded. I knew how Suzuka felt about Souta.
And yet, I’d gone and gotten physically involved with him.
Thinking I could just apologize and be forgiven would be far too convenient… At worst, I figured, she’d cut me off entirely—and I’d deserve it.
But no condemnation came.
Instead, Suzuka looked troubled as she slowly opened her mouth.
“I’ve already been rejected by Souta-san. Whatever relationship you and he may have, that’s between the two of you. It’s not a betrayal.”
“But—!”
Suzuka had pursued Souta so earnestly, so sincerely. I was sure her feelings hadn’t changed.
And I had told her I supported her. I meant it. I genuinely wanted her to be happy. And still—
Suzuka shook her head.
“It couldn’t be helped. Souta-san must have wanted to support you after you lost someone dear to you. He wasn’t looking at me… he was looking at you. If it had been someone else, I might not have accepted it. But if it’s you and Souta-san… I can let go.”
T-Together…?
Ah. The way she phrased it, it’s no wonder she misunderstood.
I have to explain things properly.
“Um… Souta and I aren’t dating.”
“...?”
Suzuka tilted her head again, clearly confused.
“The truth is—”
I told Suzuka everything.
What I’d learned the day Alicia’s consciousness disappeared. The possibility of saving her fading soul, and the method to do it. My choice, and the result. The twisted relationship that had formed between me, Souta, and Hisui.
When I finally finished, Suzuka sat with her head down, not saying a word. I couldn’t see her face.
The silence pressed heavily around us.
…Did I make her angry?
I’d used Souta, keeping a relationship that was purely physical. Looking back on it now, it might be worse than if we’d just been dating.
But I didn’t want to lie anymore. I didn’t want to hide behind some stupid excuse.
Suddenly, Suzuka stood up sharply.
…Was she going to slap me?
I shut my eyes and braced myself.
But no impact ever came.
"—Eh?"
I was being held tightly in Suzuka’s arms.
"Such a small body… and you’re carrying all this pain…"
Suzuka, overcome with emotion, had started crying.
Shrinking back in confusion, I couldn’t hide how thrown off I was by the sudden shift in atmosphere.
"Um, well… I’m fine, really…"
"There’s no way you could be fine with this!"
Her arms tightened around my back.
My entire body was enveloped by Suzuka’s soft warmth. It felt a bit constricting—but not uncomfortable.
She smelled nice…
She must use really high-quality shampoo.
Still, I hadn’t expected this reaction.
I was relieved that she didn’t lash out in anger, but now I had no idea what I should say to make her accept it.
"…There’s nothing painful about this for me."
"You had to be separated from Alicia, didn’t you?"
"…But we’ll see each other again."
There’s no reason to be sad.
"But to do that, you have to give birth to a child, right? You have to let yourself, in Alicia’s body, be embraced by a man!"
"…That’s just how it has to be."
By now, I’ve come to accept this body as my own.
I do feel conflicted about being held by a friend, but I’ve made peace with it. I can endure it.
"Even if you’re reunited, you won’t be lovers again. Because… the Alicia who’ll be born will be a child—you two will be parent and child!"
"…Even if the shape is different, it doesn’t change the fact that I love her."
It doesn’t hurt.
"But still! Still…! That’s just—!"
"C-Calm down."
I returned Suzuka’s embrace.
It was the first time I’d ever seen her so emotionally shaken and crying like this—I had no idea what to do.
For now, I tried gently rubbing her back to soothe her.
"Alice-san, it’s okay to cry too."
"No, I…"
Even if you say that…
"No, please—cry."
That’s just unreasonable.
I don’t even have a reason to cry.
"Then I’ll cry. I’ll cry for you."
Suzuka once again broke down into sobs.
…Why does it always come to this?
But… she was crying for me.
There was no way I could brush her off or act coldly.
"Alice-san… Alicia-san…!"
Suzuka saw Alicia as a friend too. She was mourning not just for me, but for Alicia as well.
And that made me happy.
"Uuu… hic… ugh… this is all just too sad…"
Huh…?
Watching Suzuka sob like that somehow made me feel sad too.
"…Ugh…"
I wanted to see her.
Once the dam broke, my emotions started to spill out.
"…Uu… Alicia… ngh…"
The moment I said her name, I couldn’t hold it back anymore.
I felt big, heavy tears sliding down my cheeks.
I wanted to hear Alicia’s voice.
She’d probably scold me for pushing myself too hard—but I really am doing my best. I am… right?
"I’m on your side, Alice-san. I know how sincere and devoted you are."
My head was a mess. The thought that it was okay to cry now filled me completely. Everything I’d been holding in started overflowing all at once.
"…Actually, it’s not just me. Everyone knows. That’s why they care about you so deeply. I think… they all wish to protect you, to make you happy with their own hands."
I promised my dad and mom that I would be happy. I can’t let them think even for a second that I might not be.
Yuna always puts me first. But because she was the one closest to Alicia, I couldn’t show her any hesitation.
Hisui feels the heaviest burden over everything happening now. I couldn’t let myself vent and make things even harder for her.
This was the first time someone truly understood everything about what I’m going through—and told me it was okay to say I’m hurting.
"…Ugh… uaaaah!!"
I cried my heart out like a child, clinging to Suzuka as she held me close.
We stayed like that for a while.
Eventually, as my emotions slowly drained away along with the words we’d shared, I began to feel calmer. That’s when Suzuka, now a little embarrassed, pouted and said:
“There is something I’m angry at you for, Alice-san. It’s that you didn’t come to me with your troubles.”
“That's…”
“I’ve always thought of you as a dear friend, Alice-san. We’ve been through a lot in the past, but that’s exactly why I believed we had a special bond.”
“Y-Yeah…”
I thought of Suzuka as a dear friend too.
At first, I saw her as Wisso’s mentor. Then, as a love advisor when it came to Souta. We started talking more both in club activities and outside of them.
After what happened at Christmas, and once she learned about my situation, she became the only friend outside of family and childhood friends who knew about my past. I confided in her a lot. Her objective advice helped me more than I could express.
“I understand that it was hard to talk about—especially considering your situation with Souta-san. And I know I may be selfish to feel this way. But even so, I wanted you to rely on me.”
“I’m sorry…”
I think… I was scared.
Even though I chose to use Souta knowing it would trample Suzuka’s feelings, I still didn’t want her to hate me.
“I’m so selfish…”
I wouldn’t blame her if she criticized me or yelled at me.
“That’s enough. Please stop blaming yourself. When painful things pile up, wanting to run away is only natural.”
“Suzuka…”
“It’s okay to run. And if you’d like… I’d be happy if you could think of me as your place to run to.”
“…Thank you.”
“From now on, please come to me about anything, alright?”
“Yeah…”
Suzuka gave a soft giggle.
“What is it?”
“Oh, I just realized… we’ve spent so much time apologizing to each other.”
“…Yeah.”
Lies and apologies. Forgiving and being forgiven.
That’s what brought us to this moment.
“So, um… will you still be my friend from here on?”
“Hm… let’s see…”
Suzuka’s tone suddenly turned a bit sulky.
“‘Friend’ just isn’t enough. I want to be your best friend, Alice-san… Would that be alright with you?”
“Yeah… I want to be best friends with you too, Suzuka.”
Still hugging each other, we went on talking about all sorts of things.
—Until I got a message from Souta, who I’d completely forgotten about.
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