Chapter 157: First Kiss
After school, just like always, I was alone with Souta at the apartment.
I was like a carp on a cutting board—helpless, lying on the bed, being prepped as if I were tonight's main dish.
The room was filled with the embarrassing noises that had been coming from me for a while now.
—Suddenly, Souta's face drew close.
"Mmm!?"
He stole my lips.
I froze in surprise, and then even his tongue slipped in.
"Fah!? Wait—!"
Panicking, I pushed him away.
"That’s not okay."
I glared at him while wiping my lips with the back of my hand.
"...You didn’t like it?"
Of course I didn’t like kissing a guy. Maybe it’s easier for Souta since I look like a girl now, but still...
More importantly,
"Wasn’t that your first kiss?"
"...Got a problem with that?"
"How do you feel about your first kiss being with me?"
"We've done way more than that already. Isn’t it a little late to worry about that?"
"Maybe so, but..."
Was a kiss really not a big deal to Souta?
I guess back when I was a guy, I didn’t think of it as much more than foreplay either... but even so, I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed in him.
He supposedly turned down Suzuka because he had feelings for someone else, but the way he's been acting seems a bit too careless.
I mean, I get that guys tend to separate love from lust, but I wanted to believe Souta wasn’t like that—or maybe I just wanted him to be different.
...Well, I’m the one who asked him to do all this, so who am I to complain?
"Can we skip the kissing part after all? I feel like that's something you do with someone you really love."
I wanted to do what I could to make Souta feel good, but kissing—especially a deep kiss—was a bit scary.
Sure, it feels good, but the kind of stimulation that scrambles your brain like that... it feels like it melts your thoughts and your reason all at once.
To keep our friendship intact, I wanted to make sure we drew a clear line somewhere.
"...I see."
But for some reason, Souta looked genuinely disappointed.
He was trying to play it off like it was nothing, but I’ve known him since we were kids—I could tell.
...Did he really want to kiss that badly?
"Wait—don’t tell me you’re just insecure about your kissing skills or something? You don’t have to worry, really. I don’t think you were bad at it or anything—so hey, at least you got to practice with me, right?"
"That’s not it. I don’t have anyone else I like anyway..."
Souta muttered in a sulky tone.
But what he said wasn’t something I could just ignore.
"What are you talking about, Souta? Didn’t you say you turned Suzuka down because you liked someone else?"
"Th-that’s..."
Souta looked like he’d just said something he shouldn’t have.
"You lied...?"
Suzuka confessed to him because she genuinely liked him.
If he dodged her feelings with a lie, I’d end up losing respect for him.
Suzuka’s way too good for someone like Souta.
She’s pretty, earnest, and has big boobs.
And seriously, there aren’t many girls out there who’d study Wiso just because the guy they like is obsessed with it.
"...It wasn’t a lie."
"But you just said there’s no one you like right now!"
When I pressed him, Souta made a face like he’d swallowed a bug.
"...No one else."
That’s what he said.
"...Huh?"
What does that mean?
"...You. I’m talking about you. You’re the one I like."
...Wait, me? What do you mean?
I didn’t understand.
"...So that kiss earlier—I wasn’t doing it just for practice or anything like that."
.........? Um...?
What is Souta even saying?
"Y-you’re kidding—"
"I wouldn’t joke about something like this."
"...Wait, huh? Are you... gay or something?"
"Of course not, idiot."
"B-but still... I’m your childhood friend, your best friend—"
—And a guy.
"I couldn’t help it. I fell for you before I knew the truth about who you really were..."
"Eh... ehh... eeehh!?"
"When I found out you were Ikuto, honestly, I was pretty crushed. I tried so many times to convince myself these feelings weren’t real... but I couldn’t."
Souta gave a self-deprecating smile as he spoke.
Just from his expression, I could tell how much he must’ve struggled with this.
"This is your fault, you know. If you’d just come clean with me from the beginning, I never would’ve felt this way... But instead, you hid the truth, and when Ikuto was gone, that empty space in my heart—you ended up filling it."
"Th-that’s..."
I am me. I know the comfortable distance Souta likes better than anyone. I know what he loves, what he hates—even better than his family, I’m sure of it.
I thought we were just having fun together, the same as back when I was Ikuto.
"...I wasn’t actually planning to tell you any of this. I knew it would only cause more problems for you, especially with everything else you’re going through right now."
"No, it’s okay... I’m the one who should apologize."
I was the one who pressed Souta.
All that talk about Suzuka—I got carried away and ended up dragging this out of him. Stirring up trouble that didn’t need to be stirred.
I was even the reason Suzuka had to give up on her feelings.
What am I even supposed to say to her?
But before that, I have to give Souta an answer.
...But what should I say?
Seeing me frozen, Souta gently shook his head.
"You don’t have to say anything. You’ve got more than enough on your plate right now, right?"
"Y-yeah..."
That helped.
My head was such a mess, I didn’t think I could come up with a proper response anyway.
"Just... understand this—I didn’t kiss you on some kind of whim. It wasn’t just messing around."
"...Okay."
"Then that’s enough for me."
He lightly touched his own lips with a finger.
...Is that really enough?
I don’t know. I’m still not sure.
"Alright, then. Shall we continue?"
"Eh? ...EHHH!?"
Continue—what?
"...What?"
"Are you seriously planning to go through with it after all that!?"
That’s insane!
This level of awkwardness is beyond belief.
"...You’re saying you don’t want to?"
"W-well..."
And that’s when I remembered.
If everything stayed on track, my ovulation day should be coming up soon.
And they say the day before or two days before ovulation is the most fertile time.
Which means, ideally, we should try as many times as possible right now.
"...Let’s do it."
After a moment of hesitation, I gave my answer.
Right now, what matters more than my feelings is doing everything I can to increase my chances of getting pregnant.
"Okay then..."
Souta's hand reached for my arm—
"Hyah!?"
I jumped and instinctively pulled away.
"...What the hell was that?"
"It’s nothing! Nothing at all!"
I hugged myself and squeezed my eyes shut.
His hand gently brushed against my cheek.
Ah...
I was kissed again.
Souta gave me a kiss that barely touched, then pulled away.
It's okay if it's with someone you love, right?
When I opened my eyes slightly, Souta’s gaze seemed to say just that.
Souta wouldn’t do anything I disliked.
He wanted to try various things sexually only because I asked him to do as he pleased with me.
So if I refused, Souta probably wouldn’t kiss me ever again.
But if I did that, I might hurt him.
Thinking that, I couldn’t bring myself to reject him.
This is just a step before sex.
It’s the same as sex… I just have to endure it.
If so, then nothing would change from before.
“Mmm…”
I closed my eyes again, lifted my chin, and offered my lips.
That unique sensation came again.
Unlike a girl’s, his lips were thick and large.
(His tongue slipped in…)
Luckily, his breath didn’t smell bad.
I surrendered my body to Souta.
From there, it was the usual.
I simply accepted whatever Souta did to me.
…What kind of feelings did Souta have when he held me?
I thought simply that he was lucky to enjoy no-strings-attached sex.
An irresponsible fantasy come true—unprotected with a Western loli virgin, ejaculating freely.
—But what about Souta, who said he loved me?
What he wanted was my body—precisely speaking, just my seed.
If it were me, how would I feel…?
It’d be painful, right… probably.
Souta seemed emotional, rougher than usual. He looked like he regretted confessing to me.
While his mouth and mind stirred me, he pressed on my weak spots.
Souta’s feelings were pouring in.
I had thought it was kindness born of friendship.
But now I realized.
It was the same feeling as Hisui’s—caring for me.
Not just pure and clean.
A muddy mix of love and desire.
…Hisui, I’m sorry.
Maybe this is cheating.
As if blaming me for being unaware of Souta’s feelings, he relentlessly melted me down.
Pouring in his love, deep, deep.
Deeper than ever before.
It was the intensity similar to Hisui’s.
Though they’re not alike as siblings at all, it was strange to think they resembled each other here, in this way.
Eventually, I couldn’t think of anything.
Leaving my confused heart behind.
My body did not reject Souta.
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