Chapter 163: Awareness
Wednesday, May 10th – Week 5, Day 0
I feel sick.
My stomach is queasy, and if I let my guard down, the nausea rises up.
I was prepared for it, but the morning sickness that started yesterday was worse than I imagined. I managed to attend classes yesterday, but today, I had to give up partway through.
The smell of food drifting through the classroom at lunch was unbearable. I couldn't stand it. I ended up vomiting in the bathroom, and while I was there, the bell for afternoon classes rang. I messaged Yuna and took refuge in the nurse’s office.
The school nurse, clearly worried, asked if I wanted to take some medicine, but I wasn’t sure if it was safe for pregnant women, so I turned it down vaguely.
Can I really keep going to school like this? The uncertainty about the future was weighing on me... and when you feel sick, everything starts to feel negative.
I had no appetite either. In the morning, I managed to eat half a slice of bread—untoasted. I couldn’t eat anything for lunch. During break between afternoon classes, I sipped some sparkling water Yuna had bought for me, using the carbonation to fill my stomach and distract myself.
Starting tomorrow, I’ll escape to the clubroom during lunch break. That’s what I decided, lying down in the nurse’s office.
Monday, May 15th – Week 5, Day 5
I returned to the OB-GYN for my second checkup, this time with Mom again.
After experiencing the examination table once, I didn’t panic anymore. To be honest, the nausea from morning sickness left me no room to care.
During the ultrasound, the monitor showed what was happening inside my belly.
Amid the white haze, I could see a black circle—the gestational sac—larger than it was last week.
Inside the sac, the fetus had developed from a tiny dot to a shape resembling a broad bean.
“We can see the heartbeat. Congratulations, your baby is growing well.”
The doctor’s words barely registered. My eyes were fixed on the image on the display.
According to the scale on-screen, the fetus was less than three millimeters in length.
At its center, something pulsed in a steady rhythm.
Expanding and shrinking, over and over again.
“It’s alive…”
Thump, thump—the strong beat of life.
With the shock came another wave of nausea.
“Urgh…”
—No good.
“Excuse me, could I get a basin—!”
The curtain was pulled aside, and a nurse quickly handed me a washbasin.
Just in time—I narrowly avoided disaster.
The doctor told me that everything was progressing normally, but that I shouldn’t push myself if the morning sickness got too bad. The checkup ended there.
After getting home, it was just back and forth between my room and the bathroom.
Around lunchtime, I started craving something sour, so I had a little cold udon with ponzu sauce, but I threw it up right after.
Most of the time, I was lying down in bed.
“You okay?”
Before I noticed, Yuna had returned from school.
“…It’s rough.”
I answered without even moving.
“Yeah… it’s hard.”
Yuna leaned over me with a worried look, brushing away the hair stuck to my sweaty forehead and wiping it gently with her handkerchief.
“…Thanks.”
I wonder if I managed a smile.
“Hisuine left a message for you. She said that since the heartbeat’s confirmed, it would be best to transfer the soul as soon as possible. She’s suggesting you do it at her house after school tomorrow. You probably got the same message yourself…”
That’s when I noticed my phone flashing on the bedside table.
Looking at the screen makes me feel sick, so after reporting the checkup results, I hadn’t checked my messages.
“Sorry, I didn’t see it… Yeah, I’m okay with that.”
“…? Got it. I’ll reply to Hisuine for you. Don’t push yourself, okay?”
“Okay.”
Looking puzzled, Yuna left the room.
Yeah… this was all according to plan.
Something that has to be done to save Alicia.
But…
Left alone, I placed both hands over my lower belly.
There should be a new life growing inside me.
My child.
“Ugh…”
But this child won’t be born the way it was meant to be.
If we transfer Alicia’s soul into the fetus tomorrow, the soul that was originally meant to be here… will never come into being.
Back when I was a man, I used to release sperm. Now that I’m a woman, I release eggs. I always thought of those things as being expelled from the body without meaning.
So, I figured putting Alicia’s soul into a fetus—before a soul had naturally formed—wasn’t all that different.
But I was wrong.
That tiny life shown on the ultrasound… it looked like it was trying so hard just to exist, just to live.
“Kh…”
I wanted to whisper “I’m sorry,” but I swallowed the words. Apologizing isn’t something I’m allowed to do. This is a sin I’ll have to carry for the rest of my life.
What I’m about to do is take away the possibility of a life being born. It’s probably the worst thing someone who’s going to be a parent could ever do.
“Urgh…”
I knew this. I knew it from the very beginning.
And yet—I understood nothing at all.
My head was spinning, my stomach turning, and I couldn’t stop crying.
“Ugh… uuh…”
But my decision isn’t going to change.
If I waver now, I won’t know what I’ve even been doing anymore.
I chose this. I chose to save Alicia.
But still… the one inside me is my baby.
It moved. It was alive.
And I…
“Urgh…”
I dragged myself to the bathroom.
Slumped in front of the toilet, I threw up.
No matter how much came out, I didn’t feel any relief.
But when my body was consumed by the physical pain of vomiting, I didn’t have to think about anything else.
“…Alice, are you okay?”
“Sorry, Yuna… do you need to use the bathroom?”
“I’ll use the one downstairs. Want me to rub your back?”
“No… I just want to be alone right now.”
If I opened up to Yuna or Hisuine, I’m sure they’d comfort me.
But I didn’t want that.
Because this pain… is mine to bear.
It’s selfish and hypocritical, I know.
But today—just for today—I wanted to think only about the life growing inside me.
Comments (0)
Please login or sign up to post a comment.