Chapter 45: Becoming a Woman (Part 4)
That evening, I was the first to come downstairs for dinner, and among the dishes laid out on the table, one in particular caught my eye.
“…Mom, is this…?”
With a strained expression, I asked my mother, who was at the sink washing dishes.
“It’s red rice. It’s only natural to celebrate as a family when a girl gets her first period.”
Now that she mentioned it, I vaguely remembered us eating red rice when Yuna got hers.
Back then, I was still in elementary school and didn’t understand what it meant, so I just thought red rice was something rare and special. But I do remember Yuna looking incredibly embarrassed about it.
“…You say it’s a celebration, but… is getting your period really something to be happy about?”
To me, it just felt like a nuisance and nothing more.
“Of course it is. Getting your period means your body is ready to have children. That’s a big deal.”
“Ugh… but I don’t plan on having kids at all.”
I couldn’t even imagine giving birth. Just thinking about being with a guy made me feel sick.
If I had to flirt with someone, I’d rather do it with a girl… does that make me a lesbian?
“That’s perfectly fine. At your age, it’s natural not to be thinking about having kids. But someday, you might meet a man you fall in love with, and maybe you’ll want to have his children.”
It was a casual remark, but it pricked at something inside me.
Ever since I became Alicia, my tastes in food and clothing had started to shift in subtle ways. So when she said that, I couldn’t help but feel uneasy—what if, as my mind continues adjusting to this body, I really do start to like men and want to have kids like she said?
I can deny it now. But will I still be able to deny it five or ten years from now?
It felt like something was changing me from the inside without me even realizing it. A creepy sensation, like something was squirming around inside my body, made me feel nauseous.
The fear that I was no longer myself started to swell inside me, and I almost screamed.
“…Are you okay? You look pale.”
Mom asked, worried.
“…I think I’m just feeling a bit sick. I’ll sit down and rest until everyone else gets here.”
“Oh, sure. It’s your first day after all. Make sure you watch out for anemia.”
She seemed convinced that my discomfort was just a symptom of my period and didn’t question it.
I don’t remember much of what happened after that.
My head was spinning, I felt nauseous, and I had no appetite. But I didn’t want to brush off Mom’s feelings—she was just trying to celebrate for me—so I did my best to eat at least a little.
—And then, I couldn’t hold back the nausea anymore and ended up throwing it all up.
『Ikuto-san, I’ll cut off the mental synchronization again today, okay?』
Alicia said this to me as I lay exhausted on the bed.
『Ah, yeah, I’m fine today. …Honestly, I wouldn’t be in the mood for that given the situation anyway.』
『If we start having days where we sync and don’t sync… I end up becoming aware of when you do it, so, um…』
Alicia told me this hesitantly. Fair enough—no one wants to know the details of someone else’s solo activities.
Besides, there’s no reason to force synchronization when I’m feeling this awful anyway...
As I was thinking that, Alicia’s worried voice reached me again.
『Ikuto-san, have you considered talking to your family about what’s bothering you right now? Just once?』
『W-Why…?』
『It’s obvious. I mean, no one expects their body to feel this awful just from getting their period… You’re struggling, aren’t you? Emotionally, I mean.』
But I couldn’t admit it. My anxiety stems from the fact that I’ve become a girl, and if Alicia found out about that, she’d definitely blame herself.
As I sat there in silence, looking down, I could tell she let out a sigh.
『Ikuto-san, you’re so stubborn. I’ve never regretted not having a body as much as I do right now. If I had one, I could hold you…』
Her voice carried a hint of a pout.
『I’m going to disconnect now. I think there might be things easier to talk about when I’m not around. …And I hope that tomorrow, I can greet you with a cheerful “Good morning” and see you smile.』
『…Sorry. Good night, Alicia.』
『Good night, Ikuto-san.』
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