Chapter 13: Agony and Boundaries

── Kanata’s View

From this morning on, I’ve been able to bask in Nobuchika’s cuteness, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m really glad we decided to take this trip. Sure, it cost quite a bit, but if Nobuchika can enjoy herself and truly relax, then it’s worth every yen.

We still have a whole day tomorrow, and Nobuchika already said that aside from food, she’d rather just take it easy at the inn. I really hope this helps her refresh.

I’ve made sure not to talk about how much everything costs. I don’t want Nobuchika to feel like she has to worry or hold back because of it. She hasn’t brought it up either, so maybe she really doesn’t think too much of it. I hope that’s the case.

All of this—I only want to do for her. I don’t want her to feel indebted. Just having her stay by my side in return is more than enough.

After we moved into the bedroom and started getting ready for bed, Nobuchika suddenly spoke up.

"Hey, Kana, I’ve got something to talk about."

Huh? Maybe she wants to go somewhere tomorrow? That’d be fine—whatever Nobuchika wants, I’ll make it happen.

But when I turned to her, her face looked serious—no, urgent. Like she had made up her mind about something.

So it’s something important. I straightened my posture, ready to listen.

And then the next words hit me like a thunderbolt, freezing my thoughts.

"Kana, p-please… hold me!"

"!?"

There was a pause before my mind rebooted. When I looked at Nobuchika again, she had her head down, trembling slightly with nerves.

Wait, what did she just say? Hold her? …Like, hug her? Did I mishear? That has to be it. I must’ve confused what she said with something I secretly wished for.

I asked her to confirm.

"Nobu? Uh—sorry, I think I misheard. By ‘hold me,’ you meant hug, right? Or… no, you wouldn’t say something like that. Sorry, could you say it one more time, I’ll listen properly this time."

"No… you didn’t mishear. I said hold me. As in, hold me as a woman."

"!?"

What? What does that even mean? Why? She doesn’t even like me that way, does she? Then why!?

The only words that came out of me were:

"Why?"

"I believe friends should be equals. If there’s too much of a gap, then it stops being friendship. I became a woman, and you let me into your house. You accepted me, even went so far as to move and give me my own room. You bought me clothes, things I needed, even taught me how to do makeup. You’ve helped me so much. After moving, you bought furniture, a sofa to make the place more comfortable for the two of us, dishes, little things—everything."

"Wait a second! That was all just necessary stuff for living together. I bought them because we needed them. And I’ve told you again and again, you don’t need to worry about it!"

"It’s not just the things. You’ve always been considerate, making sure I didn’t have to stress about anything. All I had to do was rely on you and let you take care of things. You even brought me on this trip… I didn’t say anything, but this inn, this room—it must’ve cost a fortune. Even I can tell that much."

"That’s… but the only reason I did it was so you wouldn’t have to worry and could just enjoy yourself. I never thought of it as you owing me anything!"

"Even if you don’t think so, I feel like I owe you. That’s why I’ve been thinking, over and over, how I could repay you. I don’t know why you’ve gone this far for me, but purely—I just want to return the favor somehow. I thought of many things, but on this trip, I realized: with my little savings, there’s nothing I can give you back. So this was the only way I could think of."

"Nobu…"

I hadn’t realized I’d cornered her this badly.

I just wanted to help her without her worrying, without her feeling burdened. I just wanted her to be comfortable.

But I was a fool. That was only my self-satisfaction. I’d forgotten to consider how Nobuchika truly felt.

She’s always had her pride. As friends, she’s wanted us to be equals. If I got ahead, she’d push herself to catch up. That’s how we’ve kept each other sharp since grade school. And I forgot all about that.

By saying "don’t worry about it," from her perspective, I was just piling favors on her without giving her a chance to stand as an equal. Of course Nobuchika wouldn’t accept that.

Come to think of it, when we first rented the house, she insisted on paying ten thousand yen a month. That was her way of balancing things. I understood her nature back then and accepted it, but after that, I brushed everything off with "don’t worry about it," and never let her repay. The debts just kept piling up.

I should’ve noticed she wanted to repay me somehow. Instead, I ignored it and kept going.

And now, I’ve pushed her to the point where she thinks this is her only option. It’s my fault.

But even if I say "don’t worry about it" now, she won’t accept it.

Still, this—this is the one thing I can’t allow! I never did any of this because I wanted something like this from her!

"I might not be attractive as a woman. Maybe it’s disgusting since I used to be a man. But this is all I have, Kana. Please… hold me."

"Nobu, you are attractive. It doesn’t matter if you used to be a man. But no, Nobu—this isn’t right. Please, value yourself more… I never did any of this because I wanted you to do something like that. I just wanted you to—"

"Kana… so you really won’t? You won’t hold me?"

"No. Anything else, I’ll do for you. But not this."

"I see…"

Nobuchika let out a deep sigh, her expression filled with bitter disappointment.

"If you won’t hold me, then I have no choice. I’ll sell this body. I’ll pay you back with money."

"!!!!"

What did she just say? Sell her body? And keep doing it until she feels the debt is repaid?

That image seared into my mind, squeezing my chest tight, like being struck in the head with a blunt weapon. Stop it… Nobuchika.

"N-no… Nobu… please, don’t. Don’t do something like that…"

Tears began streaming down my face. I was like a child, begging, desperate for her not to do it.

"Then will you hold me, Kana?"

"…Th-that’s…"

I love Nobuchika, I'm in love with her, which is exactly why I backed off. I can't be allowed to lay a hand on Nobuchika.

But… if I'm forced into this kind of choice, there's really no other option, is there…?

"…Nobu, if I do it just once, that'll be enough, right?"
"Nah. It's until I feel the debt is repaid."

I'm shocked, but it's an answer I could have imagined coming from Nobuchika's personality. If it could be repaid in one go, there would surely be other ways. The fact she chose this method means her intention is for me to do it multiple times; that must be her line of thinking.

Even so, I can't easily accept this. I don't want to taint Nobuchika.

If it weren't Nobuchika, the old me wouldn't have hesitated like this.

"Nobu… you're serious about this?"
"Yeah, I'm serious. Kana, I know it's come to this, but let me repay my debt to you."

Nobuchika is serious. Her resolve seems to be firm.
In that case, I should steel my own resolve as well.

I love Nobuchika. I want to do anything for her sake.
If she's serious, then my only choice is to respond in kind.

I take a deep breath, steadying myself.
My resolve is set. Since we're doing this, I'll give it my all.

"Alright. I'll do it. I'll take you, Nobu."
"Yeah… please."

Nobuchika nodded and began to take off her clothes.

Nobuchika began taking off her clothes, her skin gradually being revealed.
She's truly beautiful, I thought from the bottom of my heart, and I unconsciously gulped.
She hesitated for a brief moment when taking off her bra and panties, but she took them off resolutely.

It seems she has no pubic hair, which further accentuates her beauty.

"You're beautiful, Nobu."
"Don't stare so much."

Her embarrassed self is cute too.

"You should hurry up and get undressed too, Kana."
"Got it."

I quickly undressed. Her eyes were glued to it, already standing at attention and ready for battle.

"Kana you… you're like that? That's… impressively huge…"

"It's fine, you know. We can still stop here."

"Hah? Nah, I'm not stopping."

"Nobu, is this… your first time? Like this?"

Nobuchika answered, her face red.

"…Including from before, it's my first time… so… be gentle, okay?"

"Don't worry. I'll be gentle and make it feel good for you."

"Yeah, please."

"Just leave everything to me today. Just relax."

"Nobu, last confirmation. Are you really sure about this? We can still pretend this never—"

"Please."

"…Understood."

I used every technique I had honed until my early twenties to make Nobuchika feel good.
I paid meticulous attention to make sure she could climax even though it was her first time like this.

This was an act to repay my debt to Nobuchika, but I still wanted her to feel good, too.
If this is something that must be done, I don't want Nobuchika to have any more unpleasant experiences.

Nobuchika must have felt really good, as she asked for a second and third time.

I love Nobuchika, too. Even though things turned out like this, and my feelings about being the one to take her are complicated, a part of me is still happy.

And for me, personally, Nobuchika felt incredibly good; it was a pleasure I'd never experienced before.
I've been with dozens of people, but it's never felt this good. If it weren't me, I might have become Nobuchika's captive from this alone.

Well, I've been her captive for a long time now.

"I never thought it would be this amazing."
"This is a first for me, too—it's never felt this good before."

"…Was it that good? With me?"

"Yeah, it was the best."

"I'm glad. I was worried about what I'd do if you said it was just so-so."

"Don't worry. If it's like this, I'll repay my debt in no time."

"…I'll be the one who decides that."

"Right. Sorry."

"Just so we're clear, this doesn't mean I've fallen for you or anything, Kana. You can rest easy on that."

"…Yeah, I know."

Rest easy… huh? …That was probably her way of being considerate, in her own way. If so, that's the worst; it was a critical hit to my heart.
A part of me had wondered, however faintly, if maybe she had started this because she'd developed feelings for me. I want to punch that part of myself.

Before I knew it, Nobuchika was asleep beside me. She must have been exhausted after all.
Looking once more at this dream-like scene, I held onto my deep regret and a sliver of joy as I fell asleep.

Morning, when I woke up, Nobuchika was still beside me, quietly breathing in her sleep.

So last night wasn’t a dream… The realization hit me, followed immediately by a wave of self-loathing.

That I had driven her into such a corner. That I hadn’t even noticed it.

And because of that, I did something irreversible. I defiled the person I love with my own hands.

If I had kept a better balance between us… If I hadn’t forced things onto her so one-sidedly… this wouldn’t have happened.

All I could feel was regret and disgust at myself. How was I supposed to face Nobuchika now?

"Morning, Kana! You don’t look too lively… oh, wait, this part of you’s plenty lively though, huh~?"

"Idiot, that’s just a biological reaction. Don’t act like you don’t know that… Good morning, Nobu."

I couldn’t meet her eyes. Her smile was too dazzling for me.

Then Nobuchika stood up, still naked, and stretched. The morning light highlighted her beautiful form, her black hair shimmering… she looked so divine, I could’ve mistaken her for a goddess.

"Feels like… it’s still here, somehow… Ah! I-I’ll just hop in for a quick shower. Kana, you should too, then we’ll go get breakfast!"

"Yeah. Breakfast is a buffet in the restaurant."

"Since it’s this inn’s buffet, it’s bound to be amazing. I can’t wait!"

Rubbing her lower stomach as she said that, Nobuchika hurried off to the shower.

On the surface, she looked like she wasn’t bothered by what happened last night at all. In fact, she seemed to be acting even more cheerful on purpose. But there’s no way she’s truly unaffected. She must just be putting on a front for my sake.

After she came back, I went to shower in turn, washing away the sweat and everything clinging to my body.

When I asked what she wanted to do today, she said she wanted to just relax for the morning.

We went to the restaurant and had breakfast. Nobuchika was delighted, saying everything was so delicious, and seeing her happy made me happy too.

Lately, watching Nobuchika, I sometimes felt like her spirit had grown younger. She’s the same thirty-year-old as me, yet more and more often she does things that make me wonder if I’m actually hanging out with some younger girl.

It’s not a bad thing. But still… I selfishly hoped that, at her core, she’d remain the Nobuchika I’ve always known as my best friend.

When we returned to the room, the futons in the bedroom had already been replaced with fresh ones. That’s the luxury of a high-class room.

Nobuchika grabbed a towel and slid open the veranda door.

"Hey Kana, let’s hit the open-air bath together. If you don’t… well, you know what that means, right?"

"You’re serious… Fine, I get it."

Strange. I’m supposed to be the one who’s given the favors, and Nobuchika the one repaying them. I should be the one with the higher standing. But somehow, she always has a trump card ready, and I can’t defy her.

Not that I mind letting her do what she wants. But in cases like this, it’s troublesome. My resolve, my stance, the way I face her—it all risks crumbling.

The open-air bath was much bigger than the one at home. Even with both of us in it, there was still plenty of room. For morning luxury, it was more than enough.

And to share it with a beautiful girl like Nobuchika—opportunities like this don’t come often.

"Kana, sit here and spread your legs a bit."

"O-oh, like this?"

"Yeah, just like that. And then I’ll slide right in between—"

"Hey! It’s huge in here, we don’t need to be this close, do we?"

Nobuchika settled herself between my legs, leaning her back against my chest.

But seeing the look on her face—so relaxed, so at ease—I couldn’t bring myself to complain anymore.

"Haah, this feels so good. Calming, and kind of… safe, too. …Hey Kana, last night when we hit the baths, I realized something. There were so many different baths, it was fun, but on my own it felt like something was missing. And now I know—it was this. This is what I was missing."

"At home, we take baths separately though."

"Shut up. That’s different. In an open-air bath like this, with our skin touching, you feel the warmth of the water and another person at the same time. It warms you all the way through, body and soul. Don’t you feel it too? I know I do."

"Yeah, I get what you’re saying, Nobu. With the view, the hot water, and your warmth… it’s calming, and it makes me feel warm inside too. Yeah, you’re right."

"Well, Kana, even while saying that, you’re already getting hard again."

"Hey! Don’t ruin the moment! It can’t be helped, you know that. And I already told you, I’m not going to make the first move, so relax."

"Heh, I know. So, I guess I’ll pay you back then."

"You… haaah. Fine."

In the open-air bath, Nobuchika repaid her debt again.

Of course, I made sure she felt it properly, sending her to heaven.

But I’ve still kept one final line intact—our lips. I haven’t kissed her. That, I feel, is something I cannot take from her.

If Nobuchika truly loved me, that would be different. But since she doesn’t, this is the one boundary I insist on keeping.