Chapter 2: Groping in the Dark

Some expressions may feel slightly grotesque depending on the reader.

In times like these, I can’t help but think: people who manage to hole up in their rooms for years without seeing their families must actually have incredible mental strength.

The next morning, my mother left a simple breakfast on the kitchen table, left a worried message on my phone, and headed off to work. I watched her retreating back through a crack in the curtains, then let out what must have been the hundredth sigh since yesterday. The guilt alone was enough to snap my heart in two.

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　　　　　　　　Contact.00-2 『Groping in the Dark』

Suppressing the conscience that kept screaming at me, I forced down the sandwiches Mom had made while keeping alert to any signs around me. From there I headed to the tatami room next to the dining area and started rummaging through the closet. My parents had kept the clothes from when my sister and I were little, calling them “memories.” Who on earth could’ve imagined that I’d be digging them out not for nostalgia, but for practical use?

Brushing off the dust, I opened the lid of a transparent storage case and checked the clothes. All of them were from when I was small—nostalgia could wait. Though a little old, luckily there were no moth holes or major damage. I grabbed a handful of pieces that looked clean and the right size, shoved the case back into place, and returned to my room.

Why did I have to skulk around in my own house? Pathetic as it was, I didn’t have the guts to strut around openly in this state. There wasn’t any underwear stored there, so I slipped on some boxer-style shorts I’d bought for exercise. Way too loose, but at least they worked better as underwear than my nearly-half-shorts trunks.

Next, I threw on some of the less “boyish” clothes I’d picked out from the tatami room, tucked my phone into my pants pocket, and finished tidying myself up. The terrifying fact that clothes from when I was eight years old fit me perfectly? Tossed that thought straight into the garbage. Thinking about it felt like admitting defeat.

Finally, I tied up my long hair and stuffed it under a cap. At last, I was ready to head out…

Even after a night’s sleep, my body still hadn’t gone back to normal. Sitting around the house wasn’t getting me anywhere, so I decided to head to the shrine that I thought might be the cause. But obviously I couldn’t just wander out in my original clothes—I’d stand out like a sore thumb. Hence, the plan I’d just put into action: camouflage myself with those old kids’ clothes. That way, maybe I’d blend in.

Sure, my sister’s clothes were there too, but the idea of wearing girls’ outfits was just… no. What kind of high schooler puts on his sister’s childhood clothes? That’s beyond creepy. It’s not that I hate my sister or anything, but I refuse to go down that weird path. And more than anything, if I did ever return to normal, I didn’t think I could live with myself knowing I’d gone that far.

And so, the boyish-looking “beautiful girl” reflected in the mirror was born. But even if it looked somewhat less strange, the fact remained: I still stood out. My heart was already on the verge of breaking. If only lying in bed until time ran out would just reset everything…

Of course, miracles that convenient don’t happen. With no choice, I trudged toward the front door as if I had iron weights tied to my feet. It was still early in the summer break—risky, but I’d just have to be careful, avoid people, and stay alert.

Swallowing down the indignity of sneaking around my own house, I reached the gate that connected me to the outside world. The door felt absurdly heavy as I opened it, and the blazing summer sunlight from the clear sky scorched my skin.

"…………"

I instinctively looked down at my arm. My eyes were green, so this wasn’t albinism, but my skin was pale like a white person’s. Was it really okay for me to be out in the sun like this? The word “ultraviolet” floated through my mind.

No, it’s fine. I wasn’t exposing much skin, and as long as I got back before the sun rose too high, I’d be… probably, most likely, okay. Bracing myself, I dashed out of the house, heading quickly toward the shrine.

The streets I knew so well looked oddly fresh and new. A different point of view could really change things that much? It was a ridiculous thought for the situation, but I kept to the shadows and avoided people as I pressed on toward the shrine. Even so, the destination that should’ve been close felt annoyingly far away.

"……,……"

After maybe forty minutes of walking, I finally saw the hill where the shrine sat. Being shorter meant my stride was smaller—I’d completely forgotten that. Between that and the heat, my stamina was thoroughly drained. Stumbling a little, I pressed my phone to a vending machine and bought a bottle of tea.

Sitting on the steps, I unscrewed the cap and lifted the condensation-chilled bottle to my lips. The tea soothed my parched throat, letting me breathe again. Casually glancing around, I found no trace of anyone having been badly hurt here. I could’ve sworn this was where they’d collapsed…

After resting five minutes in the shade, I slowly climbed the long flight of steps. For someone in a child’s body, the slope was rough. Somehow I made it to the top, drank the rest of my tea, and rested again under the trees. It was terribly inefficient, but pushing myself until I collapsed would only make things spiral into the worst-case scenario. I had to be careful.

The shrine’s grounds were surrounded by large trees, and as long as I stayed out of the center, the sun’s direct rays didn’t reach me. The sunlight that filtered through the leaves was strangely warm, like ripples breaking through a sea of green. Despite being close to the city, this quiet place always reminded me of a forest, and I loved it.

Once my breathing steadied, I began to walk around the grounds. Maybe because I looked different, the stray kittens that usually came when they sensed me didn’t appear. They’d been fine the last time I saw them—I just hoped those guys hadn’t gotten their hands on them.

I circled the main shrine, taking in the slightly unfamiliar scenery. Behind the shrine was a fairly large stone with strange carvings. The priest had once said it was connected to the shrine’s god. The place was old, and its history was riddled with gaps and rumors. I’d always liked that sort of thing, so whenever I came, I’d keep the stone clean—without messing with it too much. Come to think of it, wasn’t it while I was cleaning that stone that the kitten first warmed up to me?

"…………"

And there, in front of that stone behind the shrine, I stopped. Something caught my eye. Tears welled up instantly, spilling from deep inside my eyes. My hands trembled, and choked sobs escaped my throat. My breath caught, and I sank weakly to my knees before it. The figure there—so warped it barely resembled what it once had been. Yet somehow, despite being twisted beyond recognition, it seemed to wear an expression of deep, quiet satisfaction.

It was probably proper to ask the priest to hold a proper burial, but instead I dug into the soil beside the stone and laid it to rest there. For some reason, I felt an overwhelming need to do it myself. I knew how strange it sounded, but maybe… maybe that’s what the kitten had wanted.

What I had found was the lifeless body of the kitten I thought I had saved. Its small frame was bent and crushed as if it had fallen down the stone steps, horribly twisted and broken. Stained black in patches with its own blood, it lay collapsed before the stone in that pitiful state. I had no explanation. Nothing since yesterday had made sense.

I wiped away the endless tears on my shoulder and staggered toward the purification basin, washing the dirt and blood from my hands. My mind was a whirlpool. Had it all been meaningless—risking my life to save it? Why did that poor kitten have to meet such a cruel end? There could never be an answer.

Drying my hands with a handkerchief, I leaned against a pillar, the basin’s roof shading me from the sun. I wanted to go home immediately, but my legs refused to move. Closing my eyes to hold back the tears only made that image rise again—the kitten’s broken body. And worse, it almost looked like…

――――a substitute.

No. That was too much, even in this age of science. Besides, how would that explain this child’s body of mine?

――――It had been such a cute kitten, with snow-white fur and eyes like emeralds.

I grabbed a lock of my hair and pulled it in front of my eyes. Silky white strands slipped through my fingers. I stood, pulled off my cap, climbed onto the children’s step stool, and peered into the water. Looking back at me was a white-haired girl with wide, emerald-green eyes.

"……Oh?"

A calm voice came from behind me just as I nearly toppled over. Spinning around, I saw a man in a kimono holding a broom, smiling gently. I knew him well by now—this shrine’s caretaker, the priest who had grown familiar over the past few months.

"A rare guest. Ah… do you understand Japanese?"

"…………!!"

My heart pounded in my chest, faster and faster. I had to run. That single thought consumed me. Forgetting my exhaustion, I dashed past the priest with all the strength I had.

"Ah! That way’s the stairs—you’ll get hurt if you run like that!"

I think I heard his warning, but none of it registered. All I could do was fling myself headlong down the stone steps, nearly tumbling as I ran.

I don’t remember where or how far I ran after that. By the time I came to my senses, I was curled up on my bed in my own room. My body ached, my legs throbbed with pain, and I was exhausted. But above all, that image of the kitten haunted me. Could that absurd thought really have been true? No—that was ridiculous. Still, shouldn’t I have given it a better burial? Or maybe… maybe what I did was enough.

No, this wasn’t working. My thoughts wouldn’t settle at all. Overwhelmed with grief, I pressed my face into my pillow and cried. That was when something in my pocket began to vibrate. Puzzled, I reached for it and found my phone buzzing with an incoming message. Maybe a distraction was exactly what I needed. On the screen was a real-time message from my best friend, Eiji Yajima.

『Hey, you awake? With just three days left until summer break, I can’t focus on class at all. So, have you picked your game character yet?』

He must’ve sent it during class. Not exactly a great idea, but right now his carefree message was a relief. I wiped my tears, connected the keypad cable, and typed out a reply.

『Yeah, I’ve decided. Thinking I’ll go with a magic-type Enchanter.』

『Enchanter, huh… wow, trust you to pick something that niche. Me, I’m going swordsman. For a guy, it’s gotta be the sword!』

He’d been practicing kendo since childhood, even winning the national championship in middle school. I’d sparred with him a few times, but he was ridiculously strong—I couldn’t even put up a fight. In a full-dive VR game, his skills would shine for sure. As for me, I wasn’t exactly a “brains” type, but sports had never been my strong suit either.

『Good to know your meathead thinking hasn’t changed. Don’t worry, I’ll pick up your bones when you charge in headfirst.』

『Harsh… crap, teacher’s coming, talk later!』

The chat cut off mid-sentence with a garbled line—he must have gotten caught. He was great at sports, but not so great at academics. Honestly, with summer break so close, he should really focus on class. Last year he ended up stuck in supplementary lessons for pretty much the same reason.

Still, thanks to his carelessness, I managed to lighten up a little. One thing was clear from today: the key to all of this was definitely that shrine. If I researched its origins, maybe I’d find some clues. Jumping out of bed, I booted up my computer and sat down at the desk.

Opening a browser, I typed into the search bar: Hirahazama Shrine.

Come to think of it, I had never really looked into it that deeply, but sure enough, that shrine turned out to be quite old. Some say its origin traces back to Fushimi, others to Kasuga, but the truth is uncertain. Still, it’s said to have been built about twelve hundred years ago. No official records remain, and even what deity it enshrines is unclear. If I could ask the priest, I’d probably learn more—but after letting him see my face, I can’t risk going near the place again.

Being a minor, out-of-the-way shrine, there wasn’t much else to be found even when I dug into the local library’s digital archives. At most, there were scraps of rumor posted on shrine-related or occult threads on a certain giant message board. Claims like: it enshrines an animal god, or the sacred object inside the main hall is a fake and the real one is hidden elsewhere, or that it seals away an evil spirit that died long ago… nothing but dubious stories. There was even an urban-legend-level tale about a treasure hidden somewhere on the grounds that could grant wishes.

I quietly lifted my hand from the mouse. However I approached it, everything came back to the occult. Well, considering what’s been happening to me, that might be only natural—it’s nothing but occult, after all. So what exactly am I supposed to do?

If the kitten really did act as a substitute to save me, is it right for me to be hiding away like this? No matter how much I agonize, there’s no one who can answer my questions. I’d only just managed to climb out of my negative thinking and get back to being positive, and yet here I am again. Honestly, it’s pathetic.

While I was drowning in a touch of self-loathing, my phone buzzed once more. Checking the screen, I saw it was from Eiji.

『In the guidance room rn (´・ω・｀) Lunch is slipping away』

Looks like he failed to avoid it after all. He must be stuck in the guidance room getting lectured right now. I remembered how he often complained that our teacher Sakon, for all his kindness, tended to lecture too much. With summer vacation just around the corner, plenty of students were letting themselves get carried away. Eiji must’ve been one of the unlucky ones singled out.

『Hang in there. And stop messing with your phone.』

If he got caught fiddling with his phone again, the scolding would probably get a lot worse. I sent the reply half as a warning, then set my phone in the charger and stepped out of my room.

Thanks to his message, I realized I’d completely forgotten about lunch. Considering how I can’t leave my room freely when my family’s around, I should really eat when I can, and make it a habit to keep light, nonperishable food and drinks stocked up in here. This might turn into a long fight—better to be prepared.

If only I had the courage to tell everything, that would be best. My friends are carefree to the core; a voice inside me insists they wouldn’t worry too much. If I just took one step forward, maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal. They’d be surprised, make a fuss, then join me in searching for a way to set things right.

I know that. I know it all too well. But for me right now, that single step feels unbearably distant—and far, far too heavy.