Chapter 96: Charlotte and an Old Companion

Thanks to Trishel’s negotiations with the White People’s town, we were officially allowed to visit. Apparently, though, there’s a lot of preparation involved. Something about setting things up to welcome me properly, and so on. Basically, it means we’re supposed to wait for a while. Once everything’s ready, someone will come fetch us.

So, until further notice, we were left to wait around… killing time with nothing particular to do. We couldn’t exactly plan any dungeon expeditions that might take several days, since the summons could arrive at any moment.

Not that we couldn’t dive in if we really wanted, but I’d hate for us to miss each other in passing. Besides, it’s true we’ve been in constant turmoil lately. A little downtime wouldn’t hurt. And we’ve got plenty of money to cover it. The only real problem… was that once I decided to rest, I realized there wasn’t actually anything I wanted to do with that rest.

"Welcome!"

"Oh, Charlotte, you’re lively as ever today."

"Haha, well, I’m off adventuring duty right now, so I’ll put that energy into working here instead."

These days, I was devoting myself almost entirely to helping Alice with her role as poster girl at the Stray Cat Inn. It’s rare to have this much uninterrupted time to spend with her, so I saw it as a valuable opportunity. I’d teach her customer service tricks, conversation techniques that worked especially well on adventuring men, and even help with little things in her daily life.

Alice really is soothing. After everything that’s happened, her presence is a balm to my heart. Even the constant intrusive voices that plagued me day after day had eased considerably when I was dealing with familiar regulars. I still wasn’t ready to go out much, but spending time indoors with people I knew had become manageable.

"W-welcome…"

"Alice, louder! Like this: Welcome!"

"Welcome!!"

That’s better. When she smiled along with me, the entire tavern lit up with her cheer.

"…Wait, isn’t that Trishel?"

"Yoo-hoo, surprise! I came by."

It turned out the new customer arriving that afternoon was none other than Trishel. She’d been smiling a lot more lately. Not that she wasn’t always smiling before, but this was different. It was as if a weight had lifted from her—her smile was clearer, freer.

"Hi, Alice. You doing well?"

"Yep!"

"That’s good to hear."

"So, what brings you here today? Did the invitation arrive?"

"Nope, not yet. Looks like they’re still struggling over there. After all, the only faction left was the Neutralists."

Curiously enough, Alice had taken quite a liking to Trishel. Some of the regulars, who found Trishel’s sharp features intimidating, watched with envy as the girl beamed at her. Trishel, meanwhile, just ruffled Alice’s hair and reassured her with a smile that, yes, she was here on “business.”

"My reason today was simple—I wanted to see my beloved Charlotte. Isn’t that enough?"

"You’re one to talk. So, what’s the real reason?"

"Haha, saw right through me, huh?"

Well, with a face that obviously said I’ve got something to tell you, anyone would notice. Whatever it was, it probably wasn’t something to discuss openly. That meant bringing her into the back. But right now, with lunch service just about to get busy, slipping away would be troublesome.

"Would it be alright after lunch?"

"Of course, of course. No problem at all. In the meantime, may I order something from the cutest waitress here?"

"Uh-huh!"

Come to think of it, Trishel always crouched down to meet Alice at eye level when talking to her. I did the same, but it seemed almost second nature to her—she must be used to handling children.

"Charlotte!"

"Coming right up!"

So, leaving Alice to entertain Trishel, I went back to attending customers.

By mid-afternoon, when only the usual lingering regulars were left—the ones nobody was really sure how they spent their days—I took the chance to bring Trishel upstairs to my room.

"So, what’s this about?"

"Aww, you’re so cold."

"Just tell me."

She pouted with a little hmph, but pouting wasn’t going to work on me. Alice could get away with that sort of thing, but you can’t.

"There are a few things I wanted to talk about, so I came."

"‘I came,’ huh. Did something happen?"

"Well, once I heard it, I couldn’t just ignore it."

The way she said that, it sounded like if she hadn’t overheard, she would’ve left it alone. In other words, it probably wasn’t anything too serious.

"Well, before I get to that, there’s something I want to ask you first."

"Eh—don’t cut off right at the interesting part, that’s cruel."

"Come on, come on. What I want to ask is… how do you plan to handle your relationship with Riven from here on?"

My relationship… with Riven?

That—

"Or maybe I should phrase it this way: which one of you is planning to confess first?"

"Wha—?!"

"I mean, when you’re around each other it’s obvious—you’re both painfully aware of one another. It’s so distracting that I’ve been losing sleep over it, night after night."

"You’re sleeping just fine if it’s only at night!"

Snapping back at her, I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

…Yeah, I know. I know I’ve been conscious of him. Ever since that incident in the dream, I’ve been hyperaware. At first, I didn’t even understand what the feeling was. But now, it’s painfully clear.

"…At the very least, I won’t be the one to confess."

"Really? That’s a surprise."

A surprise, huh. Well, I guess it makes sense if she doesn’t know my circumstances.

She’s right, though. I understand these feelings are the kind one has toward the opposite sex. But that doesn’t mean I can just accept them so easily.

Because I still have memories of my past life—a short but fulfilling life lived as a man.

Measured in years, the time I’ve spent as a man and as a woman are about the same now. But since I lived as a man first, my sense of self inevitably leans that way.

I know full well that I’m a woman now. I’ve taken advantage of it more times than I can count. There’s no denying it.

But if you asked whether I could live fully as a woman… that’s another question entirely.

Even now, I’ve clung to my chastity. There were plenty of situations where things would have been easier if I’d just made peace with it and sold my body.

But I never did, because deep down, the idea repulsed me.

Step too far, and there’s no coming back. Don’t step far enough, and you won’t survive. My life’s always been on that fragile balance.

The truth is, I haven’t been able to accept it. I can’t bring myself to fully accept me.

I live with the awareness that I’m a woman, I use being a woman when it benefits me, and yet… I’m terrified of taking that last step into being a woman in truth. It’s a self-contradiction I’ve stubbornly ignored.

If I confessed to Riven, a man, that moment would push me across a line I could never step back from. I’d be denying my past self.

But would it be fine if the other person were a woman? No—that would mean denying who I am now.

I really am stuck halfway, aren’t I? Too weak to surrender to fleeting emotions, unable to confide in anyone, unable to reach a conclusion on my own. I’ve just been drifting, unable to move forward.

"…Well, whatever Charlotte decides, it’s not my place to interfere."

Maybe she picked up on something, because Trishel backed off without pressing further.

I was grateful. Still, so it’s that obvious, huh? Obvious enough for people around me to notice? I’ll have to be more careful.

"So that was your business here?"

"Oh, no, no. Like I said, that was just my own curiosity. I’ve got something else to talk about."

Right, I almost forgot. I’d been so desperate to escape the awkward mood that I’d jumped to conclusions. So what’s the actual reason she came?

"Tell me, Charlotte—do you still remember the core members from your days with the Crimson Sword?"

"Eh? That’s sudden. Of course I remember."

There’s no way I could forget.

The Crimson Sword was a five-person party: two men and three women.

Our leader, Reynard.
Our healer—me, Charlotte.
Our scout and light fighter, Lisbeth.
Our heavy warrior, Gareth.
And our mage, Celine.

We were a well-balanced group, and we got along, too… at least until things fell apart in a storm of romance and heartbreak.

"Do you know what the others are up to these days?"

"No, not really... I don’t know that much."

Truth be told, most of the blame for the group’s collapse falls squarely on me.

It all started from jealousy—people thought I was far too close with Reynard. Of course, there was never any romance involved. I just felt at ease with him since I didn’t have to put on some fake flirtatious act, and that made us close. But to a girl in love, it didn’t matter. If someone like me, with my pretty-girl looks, was getting along with the man she had her eyes on... that alone was enough to make me the enemy.

In the end, I still don’t know what I should have done differently.

What I do know is that I was at fault. That’s why I never bothered keeping track of what happened to the others afterward. Even if I had, there’s nothing I could have done for them. Reynard was different, though—he became famous enough that just being in the adventurer’s trade meant you couldn’t avoid hearing his name.

As for the rest... I really don’t know.

"Hmm. Well, Reynard’s situation you already know about. But actually, one of them left town for a while."

"Really? Was it Gareth?"

"No, he’s been working as a craftsman. Metalworking, I think?"

"Wow... Well, he did always like quiet, hands-on work, that’s true."

Then who could it be? Honestly, the only one I could picture surviving outside this town was Gareth. For better or worse, we were an adventurer party. A ragtag bunch of misfits who didn’t belong in proper society.

"The one who came back is Celine."

"...What?"

Celine. Her? No... that doesn’t make sense, does it?

Because she was the one who clung most desperately to the life of an adventurer.

"That’s right. The one who directed the most hostility at you, Charlotte. I saw Celine—she’s back in this town."

『Honestly, you’re such a low creature. The only way you can interact with people is by batting your eyes at them.』

The moment her name was spoken, those long-buried words echoed in my ears. The very words that marked the beginning of the end.

"You’d better be careful. You know what she’s like... she’s not the type of woman who sits still."

The Celine I remembered was smiling with calculated cunning.