Chapter 99: 【Past Arc】Squad Leader Record: II

A dark place.
So dark, so narrow.

That was where I belonged.

"You never should’ve been born. You have no worth."

───I see.

When Mom said that, somehow… it made sense. I accepted it.
Because Mom hits me. Sometimes she forgets to feed me.

But sometimes—just sometimes—when I bring something back home, only then…

"Thank you. I love you, Sui."

That’s what she says.
Sometimes it’s money. Sometimes food. Sometimes something else entirely.

So maybe that’s why I was born.
Maybe she hates me because I can’t do that enough.

Then I just have to do what I can. If Mom says so, it must be right.
If I do what I’m told, that means it’s right.
And if I keep doing the right things… maybe I can become something right, too.

I kind of wanted that.
So, I did what I could.

"Sui!! Suuui!!"

One day, Mom was about to be taken away by someone.
I remember thinking vaguely, that’s kind of sad.

And that memory… I remember it clearly.

"Help me!!"

Help her. A command.
Then what’s right now is to help Mom.

That’s what I thought.
So I tried to help her.

"What do you think I raised you for—mgh!?"

"Hah… embezzling supplies, hiding personnel, and then using them however you please? You’re completely rotten to the core… hmm?"

The person who came to take Mom away was strong.

Sometimes Mom would say my punches were “amazing.”
That they had “value.”

Then this must be my rightness.

"…Hmph. Not bad."

"Gh…!"

"You useless piece of trash!! Enough!!"

But that rightness broke instantly.

With one arm, he brushed me aside like it was nothing.
That was all it took. Just that motion—and I couldn’t move anymore.

"What’s your name?"

"…I don’t… know… She calls me Sui."

"…Hey, trash."

"Ghh…!"

He yanked Mom’s hair hard, forcing her to meet his gaze.

I didn’t try to help.
She’d told me to stop, after all.
So now doing nothing was what was right.

"What’s this child’s name?"

"H-how should I know!? I just called her Sui because of her hair color!"

"…Hmm. Having no surname is inconvenient, isn’t it?"

The man paused, thinking for a moment.
Then he glanced at Mom and smiled wickedly.

"…Yes, let’s do this. Instructor Arasaka Fili never existed in the first place."

"Huh…? What are you saying?"

"Yes, yes. She only appeared on the roster because of a clerical error. In reality, she was simply a student I rescued!"

"Wha—!"

Mom looked terrified.
She was trembling—shaking all over.

I thought, oh, she looks scared.

"You can’t be serious…! You…!!"

"And then…"

"Ah—ahh!!"

"The intruder on the scene panicked and attacked me. I responded swiftly in self-defense."

"Guh—gah!!"

Mom lunged at him, but he dodged easily and struck back.
I wanted to help too, but she had told me not to, so I stayed still.

"Hah…! Haaah…!!"

"Well then… you were called Sui, right?"

"…"

I wasn’t good at talking, so I just nodded.
It was easier than speaking.
I didn’t know how to talk properly back then. I was still learning, little by little.

"Good. Now, try knocking this one unconscious."

"Guh… s-stop it…!"

"…I’m sorry… I want to do it, but you told me to stop."

"…?"

When I said that, the man looked puzzled.

"Why obey?"

"Because… I was ordered to. So it’s probably the right thing to do…"

"…Pfft—ha ha!"

He suddenly started laughing.

"Ha ha ha! Ahh, I see! I suppose that makes sense… unbelievable. How does something like you even come to be? That alone is almost impressive."

"…Ghh…!"

"Hey, you. Why do you think she’s right?"

"…Because she’s my mom? I don’t know… but… I’m wrong, and Mom is right… so she must be right."

Thinking back now, I don’t think I really understood it myself.
But back then, what was right was just right.

"I see, I see. That’s admirable. But, you know, she’s not actually your mother."

"…She’s not?"

"Oh, there’s no doubt. You look about five or six. It’s impossible, age-wise."

"…Oh. I see."

So that’s how it was.
Part of me accepted it; another part was surprised.

"Therefore, her sense of rightness is false. Hit her. Without hesitation."

"Don’t you dare…!"

"That is what’s ‘right.’"

"…Got it."

When he said that, I didn’t hesitate.
I hit the person who had been my mother.

Not just once or twice—again and again.

She was mumbling things like “sorry” and “forgive me,” but they didn’t matter to me then.
Because the person who used to be Mom was wrong, and I was right.

The wet, squelching sound of my fists didn’t bother me at all.

"…Unconscious already? Pathetic. Well then…"

He turned to face me, smiling faintly at the bloodied, motionless body on the floor.

"Well done. From this day forward, you are Arasaka Fili."

That day, I became Fili.

---

"You listen carefully. From today on, you will work for Madame."

"…Yet… who… are you?"

"I am someone who will assist us in our goal… the destruction of Trinity."

"Trinity…? Where…? Destruction…? Assist…?"

"…Hah… this is going to be troublesome."

I was a fool, so I always ended up causing trouble for that person.

"Just call me Instructor. There’s much you must learn."

But still, that person reluctantly taught me many things. Every time I learned something… they would laugh with genuine joy, right from their heart.

Then I thought maybe I was doing the right thing—and I felt happy too.

"So… Trinity… are the bad guys?"

"Exactly. You’re foolish, but you learn quickly."

"I… that’s not… my words are still… poor…"

"…You’re doing well. Compared to the beginning, at least."

"Instructor… thank you for teaching me."

When someone does something for you, you say thank you. That’s the right thing to do—they taught me that.

So I thanked the Instructor. It was thanks to them that I could speak, think, and act correctly.

"Ah… no…"

But every time, the Instructor looked troubled. Annoyed. I didn’t understand why.

"…It’s nothing worth thanking me for."

I don’t know why, but I remember those words vividly. The voice was different, the expression was different. I liked them more than usual.

"And Fili, you—"

But then the feeling would vanish quickly. Somehow, I felt a little disappointed.

"…You’re still far from ready. At the very least, you must be able to write your own name."

"I can write it."

"…What? You just learned it today."

"I’m not lying… lying is bad."

Because the Instructor doubted me, I quickly wrote it out for them. They were surprised—their eyes went wide.

"Fili…"

"What is it?"

"…It’s nothing. Well done."

"…Ehehe."

The Instructor praised me more clearly than anyone else. When I learned something new, they showed it. That made me want to try harder.

A day passed. A week passed. A month. A year. I gradually learned many things. I was still staying in the Instructor’s room, though.

"Happy birthday, Fili."

One day, that came out of nowhere. I didn’t understand and stared blankly for a while.

"Birthday?"

"Yes… well… today marks one year since you became Fili. I don’t know your actual birthday, so this will have to do… a makeshift celebration."

"Why?"

"Huh?"

I didn’t understand what the Instructor meant.

"Why celebrate a birthday when it’s all meaningless?"

"Ah… well…"

"…Sorry. Maybe I asked something strange… it’s probably wrong. You must be confused."

But the Instructor’s words must be correct. So maybe both were right… I didn’t know. I just stared at the Instructor.

"…Well done, Fili. That’s right, you remembered well."

"…! Yes…"

"More importantly, I have good news for you."

"Good news…?"

The Instructor put something back on a shelf. A solid clunk echoed.

"Yes. From today, you can also participate in training. And… having been raised by me, you’re apparently granted a special position."

"Special position…"

My heart tingled slightly. I was surprised, unsettled, but it didn’t feel unpleasant.

"This envelope contains your appointment letter. Let’s see… your role is—"

"…Instructor?"

They pulled out a piece of paper and quickly scanned it. Then the Instructor paused. After a few moments, they continued.

"…You’re a spy. Mainly among… the trainees."

A spy. Someone who gathers internal information. That’s what I was taught.

"…Indeed, you have a discreet mouth! You listen well! This role suits you. Proof of your hard work!"

The Instructor was hiding something… or maybe trying to cover it up. Their hand reached for my head.

"Fili, well done. You are my pride."

"…!"

It was the first time for everything.

"Instructor… I might be useless…"

"W-why?"

Their voice trembled slightly. It sounded happy.

"…Because I… I’m happy… really happy… even though it’s all supposed to be meaningless."

"…"

As soon as I said that, the Instructor’s expression changed—not toward me, but as if a decision had been made about something else.

"…Fili. I will be late returning today. But do not sleep. Can you wait?"

"Yes… it’s fine."

"Good. Then… soon, I will leave… but before that—"

The Instructor faltered. Today was a day they stumbled often—unusual, I thought.

"What…?"

"No, it’s nothing. More importantly, have you finished cleaning your weapons?"

"…Ah."

"Hah… you still have a long way to go."

The Instructor said that and began getting everything ready.

---

Night had fallen. The clock had already passed midnight. The Instructor was later than usual coming home. I knew she would be, but still, a restless unease lingered in my chest.

Even though it was night, the sounds of gunfire and explosions echoed outside. “It’s awfully noisy,” I thought absentmindedly—until the sounds grew closer and closer.

"Fili!!"

"...Instructor?"

The next thing I knew, there was a loud bang!—the sound of the door being kicked open.

"Thank God, you’re awake…! We have to get out of here!!"

"Huh…?"

What she said didn’t make sense. Because—

"Running away… is wrong, isn’t it?"

"—!"

"It’s something we shouldn’t do…"

That was what the Instructor had taught me. Because of that, I thought I’d learned what was right. And yet… now she was denying what she herself had taught me.

"No… that’s not it…"

She was battered and bloodied. And still, she denied my “right.”

"I was wrong…! It was me… I was the one who was wrong…!!"

"Instructor…?"

"I’m sorry…! I’m so sorry, Fili…! It’s my fault…! Because of me, you had to take on such filthy work…!!"

"Don’t cry."

The Instructor was crying. She was the one who said crying wasn’t allowed. Tonight, she wasn’t nearly as “right” as usual.

"Damn it… they’re already this close…!"

"...?"

"Fili… listen carefully to what I’m about to say. These are the last words I can give you."

Footsteps. Many of them, echoing from afar. Human footsteps. The Instructor must have heard them too.

"…Okay."

"Good girl. Now listen. Don’t die. Don’t get hurt. Don’t hold yourself back—live for your own sake. Otherwise, you’ll die. Live that way, and you’ll be right. Always right. You’ve done nothing wrong. No matter who blames you, the one who’s wrong… is me. Do you understand?"

"Huh?"

"Forget that I was ever here. Listen to what the other instructors tell you. Follow orders and you’ll survive. That’s ‘right.’ …Someday, someone—maybe even that strange one, if they’re still around—someone might come to save you. If they do, that person will be ‘right.’ Follow them. Go with them. And get away from this place. Got it?"

Normally, the usual me would have said “Yes” or “I understand.” But that day… I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

"I don’t want to…"

"…Fili?"

"Instructor, you can’t… go away. That’s not right…"

Before I realized it, I had thrown my arms around her. Because if I didn’t, I felt like she would disappear.

"…Thank you, Fili. You were a good girl—right up to the end. Pure, obedient… and still so kind. Thank you, Fili… for granting the wish I could never say out loud."

"In–struc…!"

"You were the one who taught me this feeling. Not emptiness… something else. Maybe that’s what they all were fighting for, too. …I love you, Fili."

Then—something struck the back of my neck, hard. A sharp, blinding impact. And when I opened my eyes again, the Instructor was gone.

She never came back.

---

A week passed after that day. I was given the room the Instructor had lived in. Everything inside was neatly arranged. But I didn’t want to touch or move anything. If I did, it would feel like she’d disappear from the room entirely.

"Good morning, Arashisaki Fili."

A woman about the same height as the Instructor stood there instead. Nothing should have changed—and yet, everything had.

"Your role is to monitor for signs of rebellion against us and to weaken those forces. In other words, you’ll be acting as a spy."

She took the time to explain everything carefully, things I already knew. I didn’t dislike her, but I didn’t like her either. Because I already knew all of this—and none of it mattered.

More than that, I just wondered… where had the Instructor gone?

In the end, she’d told me something—for the first time, and only that once. She’d said she loved me. Even if she’d only said it that one time, it had made me so happy. Maybe she left because I was a bad girl… because I wasn’t right.

"…Are you listening?"

"Ah… sorry… I was thinking."

"…Sigh. I heard you were supposed to be a capable one."

She sighed and gave me a tired look. “Listen carefully when people talk to you,” the Instructor used to say. I hadn’t been right, so I supposed it couldn’t be helped.

"Very well. But I won’t forgive it a second time. Only this once, understood?"

"…Okay."

"Good. Now, once again: You’ll blend in with the trainee soldiers and identify anyone harboring rebellious intent—those who break the rules or try to escape. Report them immediately. That’s your duty."

I had kind of figured that’s what it would be. The Instructor had trained me in those kinds of skills—how to blend in among people.

"You’re also permitted to, at your own discretion, recruit up to two others to our side. But be careful."

"So… um… two people, like me. I understand…"

Her words surprised me. “At my own discretion.” That was hard. Because I might be wrong.

But it was an order. And as long as I followed orders, I’d be right. That’s what the Instructor had told me in the end. There was no one left to tell me whether I was right anymore—but she had said that much. So it was fine now.

"Your name is Ran, right? Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Ran!"

Changing my face or my name wasn’t a big deal. I never really had a self to begin with. Even if someday I ended up betraying them, the one who’d be right would still be me.

"Training’s tough, huh…"

"It’s… fine…"

"Ran, you’re amazing."

That’s why thinking these moments were fun was probably wrong.

"Ran, are you okay? Are you drinking enough water?"

"…Yeah, I am."

Feeling happy when someone worried about me. Hating seeing them in pain. Wanting to stay with them forever, like I had with the Instructor. All of that—every bit of it—was wrong.

"Hey, you know what? I think I’ve figured out how to get past the instructors’ surveillance."

"…Really?"

It’s fine. That was the plan from the beginning anyway.

"Ran, let’s run away together! All of us! Let’s escape this place and go eat something delicious! Wouldn’t that be wonderful?"

"Yeah… together… let’s run away."

And so, I reported it to the Instructor—my new Instructor. Turns out that “escape route” had been deliberately built into the system all along.

"Huh... th-that’s strange... why is this place... locked...?"

It’s fine. I’m right. The Instructor said I was right. That Instructor... what a complicated person. Come to think of it, they never told me their name. I should’ve asked.

"Hey, come on! If we don’t hurry...!"

"I-I know! But...!"

"No way, this is...!"

"A trap," said a calm voice.

As I stood there dazed, the Instructor was behind me, speaking politely as always. That creepy smile of theirs made me want to throw up.

"To flush out those harboring rebellious intent against us... I didn’t expect it to work this easily, though."

"Damn it...! Everyone, cover your faces! Run!! It’s my fault... I’m sorry...! I’ll hold them off—just run!!"

"Fili, capture them."

When the Instructor called my name, it felt like my heart was being gripped tight. I wanted to vomit. Cold sweat trickled down my back.

"Eh... Ra...n...?"

"What’s wrong? Are you hesitating now? Even though you’re the one who caused this situation?"

An order. I had to follow orders. That’s what’s right. Right, right, right.

"Ran...? You’re joking... right...? Stop it...!! Ran...!"

I couldn’t even look at their faces or listen to their voices. I closed my eyes, covered my ears, kicked, and caught them. There were four of them, so I caught all four.

"Why... Ran...!"

But I did the right thing.

"I thought... we were friends... I trusted you...!!"

"Take them away. Well done, Fili. I look forward to working with you from now on."

Even so, the haze in my heart wouldn’t clear.

"I’m... sorry..."

It was a pathetic, meaningless apology—dust spilling from my mouth.

---

After that, three years passed. I kept doing the same thing over and over, again and again, countless times. Eventually, the haze began to fade.

Then one day, I was made a squad leader. The role didn’t change—still an infiltrator—but this time, they said someone had to keep watch on the squad leaders themselves. I was told to use my real face and name.

"Nice to meet you. My name is Arashisaki Fili... I’m your platoon leader."

That person looked at my face, paused for a moment, and then introduced herself.

"I look forward to working with you!"

She smiled and shook my hand. Ugh, so suspicious. That was my first impression.

I knew that face. It was the face of a liar. The same as that person. The same as those people. The same as me.

"Ni...ce to meet you..."

So, I decided to uncover the platoon leader’s secrets. That was my role. I followed her, planted bugs, even watched her from afar through a scope.

"What... is that?"

The bugs didn’t work, but the surveillance went well. She called herself a sister. I thought she was insane.

"So that’s... the source of her phoniness..."

I see. That made sense. Such an obvious lie. Just like the person who claimed to be my mother.

I realized I hated the platoon leader. So I kept following, watching, and monitoring her endlessly.

"That damn bit—excuse me, Beatrice is an awful person, but she’s clever. Everyone, stay alert..."

Finally, I had it—solid evidence. If fixed bugs didn’t work, I’d just plant one in the clothes of the “little sister” she mentioned. I’d retrieve it while she was showering and bring it back.

"Alright... it recorded properly... with this...!"

"And what do you plan to do with that?"

Of course—it was all in the platoon leader’s hand.

"—!"

"Oh my, nice punch. But your aim’s off."

I swung, but she easily caught my fist. Then her grip tightened... it felt like she was going to crush my hand.

"So it’s you. The infiltrator within Arius. Changing your name, your face... rooting out rebellion before it spreads. Some of your ‘little sisters’ were victims of that, weren’t they?"

A bad feeling ran through me. Instinctively, I knew. I drove my knee into her arm, but she didn’t even flinch.

"If it had stayed as innocent play between sisters, I would’ve let it go... but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore."

"—!?"

"I understand you may have done it to protect yourself, but... you went too far. You’ll have to reflect on that, Arashisaki."

Her arm lifted higher, then I was thrown hard into the air. Before I knew it, chains wrapped around me, binding me tight.

"Now then... what should I do with you..."

"I didn’t..."

"Hm?"

"I didn’t do anything wrong..."

The platoon leader was wrong. I did the right thing. Because that’s what I was told.

"...Why do you think that?"

"Because... that’s what the instructor told me..."

"And who, exactly, was the fool who said something that stupid?"

"Don’t speak badly about the instructor."

"...I see. So that’s what your actions meant."

The platoon leader listened, her expression softening with understanding. Looking back, I realize—at that moment, she was probably watching me instead.

"Arashisaki, do you really believe what you’ve done is right?"

"I do."

"Do you feel any guilt?"

"No. The ones who were wrong were those people."

It was true. I didn’t feel guilty. Because I was the one who was right. That haze in my chest was gone now, completely.

"Arashisaki, there’s a button here. It’s a detonator."

"...A detonator for what?"

"For the bomb I planted in your room."

My house. When she said that, it felt like dozens of needles stabbed down my spine.

"It’s near the school building, a little ways out from here, right?"

"W-wait... what are you—"

"Boom."

She said it out loud—such a stupid sound effect—and pressed the switch as if it were nothing. A dull explosion echoed from the direction of my home.

"Wh... why..."

"Why? Because that’s what’s right. Everything is meaningless, isn’t it? Getting attached to something is a mistake."

"Don’t screw with me...!! Don’t you dare!!"

The traces of the instructor were gone. The proof they existed—gone. The instructor was already dead, and now even the remnants were erased.

"Arashisaki, don’t struggle. You’ll hurt yourself with the chains."

"Shut up...!! Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...!!"

"How do you feel right now? Your room, the person you cherished—they’re gone. Destroyed."

How did I feel? That was obvious. Anger. Sadness. Pain. Every negative feeling boiled together until it became a filthy sludge soaking through my heart. And I think she knew that when she asked.

"Well, that was a lie."

"...What?"

"Let’s go, shall we?"

Before I could react, she covered my mouth, and when I blinked again, we were already there—at my instructor’s room. It was just as it had always been. Nothing had changed since that day.

"Arashisaki. What you’ve been doing is the same thing as that."

She spoke to me, still stunned and speechless.

"I’ll ask again. Do you still think it’s right?"

"...It should be right. Otherwise... it doesn’t make sense..."

"I see. In that case..."

She pulled out a bomb. I knew exactly what she was about to do.

"Stop!!"

"Why?"

"Because... because that’s—!"

I didn’t know. It was the same as when I threw myself into the instructor’s arms that day. I knew it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t stop myself.

"Because, Arashisaki... that’s what’s important to you. And because of that, it’s right."

"...What do you... mean?"

The platoon leader hurled the bomb outside. I felt a bit of relief and listened.

"In this world, there are few things that are absolutely right. What’s right differs from person to person. I denied your ‘rightness’ through my own narrow sense of justice. I’m sorry—for frightening you and making you suffer."

I didn’t expect her to apologize. It confused me even more. My thoughts tangled up, everything noisy inside my head.

"Everyone has their own sense of right. People call that a sense of values. What you’ve been doing was trampling over that—and more than anything, hurting people. You understand that’s not a good thing, don’t you?"

Hurting people. Of course I knew that. I still did it because I thought it was right. But apparently, that was wrong. So then... what I’d done until now—

"I’m... a bad person...?"

"...Who can say? But there’s something you need to do. Do you understand what that is?"

"Something... I need to do?"

I didn’t know. I’d always tried not to make mistakes—so when I finally did, I didn’t know what to do about it.

"First, you’ll come with me and apologize to the people you deceived. I can’t promise they’ll forgive you, but you’ll do it anyway."

"...Okay."

"And second... you’ll become my little sister!!"

The platoon leader suddenly went insane.

"...That one, I don’t understand. I think that’s wrong."

"Very good, Arashisaki. That’s the right answer."

I denied her, but she praised me.

"Think carefully. About what’s right and what’s wrong. Compare your thoughts with others. Don’t just swallow what you’re told—think, think, think. And then decide what you would do. What you should do. Understand?"

"...Yeah... I understand that."

"Good girl. And with that settled, you’re now my sister. Agreed?"

She released the chains, crushed the listening device in her bare hand, and threw it out the window. Such a waste. That probably wasn’t a good thing to do.

But maybe that’s what she was trying to teach me—to think for myself. I wondered what the instructor’s words really meant. I’d have to think about them again later. As I thought back, the first thing I remembered was—

"The shelf... over there..."

"...Shelf?"

"For my birthday..."

The place where the instructor had put something for me.

"May I open it?"

I nodded silently. The platoon leader didn’t hesitate. She opened the shelf and pulled something out—a gun holster, its straps the color of jade.

"Happy birthday, Arashisaki. Keep giving it your all."

The words were scrawled in messy handwriting—his handwriting. Just that, nothing more.

"...Platoon leader... is crying bad... or wrong?"

"...It’s not wrong. At least, I don’t think so."

"Yeah... that’s what I thought..."

For the first time in three years, I cried. The platoon leader stayed by my side, saying things like, "It must’ve been hard," "It must’ve hurt."

Since that day, I’ve been thinking—every day, every night—about what’s right for me, what’s wrong, and what to do when someone else’s right doesn’t match mine.

I still don’t have an answer. But someday, the platoon leader might hold a “rightness” that differs from mine. That strange unease I felt about her before—what lies beneath it... I probably can’t put into words.

But if that time ever comes... then it’ll be my turn to stop her—just like she stopped me that day.