Chapter 46: Beautiful Girl, By the Night Sea (Part 2)

I walked past the large public bath. The lobby and lounge—the same place where I’d bumped into Aoi-kun by chance yesterday—were just ahead.

With each step, my nerves tightened. My heartbeat raced. Ever since I started thinking of this as a date, my whole body had gone stiff. Yoshino-san told me, “Make sure to smile,” but now that I was actually here, I wasn’t sure I could pull that off.

Before I knew it, I’d already reached the entrance. I thought about going in, but my feet refused to move.

I peeked inside through the doorway. Unlike yesterday, there were families relaxing on the tatami and a few guests sitting in chairs watching TV.

Honestly, I was relieved. It meant we wouldn’t end up alone together. Yesterday, I’d been able to talk to him one-on-one only because I hadn’t been overthinking it. Today… that probably wouldn’t go so smoothly.

I scanned the room again and found him sitting in the same chair as yesterday. He was fiddling with his smartphone, and somehow, even from here, he looked a bit restless.

What should I do…? After coming all the way here, I still couldn’t bring myself to go in. Only a few minutes left until eight—being late would be bad.

Come on, what’s the point of hesitating now?

Even Yoshino-san said, “It’s not like anything dramatic will happen today.”
We’re just going to talk, like friends. That’s all.

Courage for men, courage for women too. I’ve come this far—time to go for it.

When I finally stepped forward, he lifted his gaze from his phone and looked at me.

Then he smiled and said,

“Thanks for coming.”

“Sorry if I kept you waiting.”

Time-wise, I’d barely made it, but since he’d arrived first, I felt like I should apologize anyway.

“It’s right on time,” he said with an easy smile.

From that smile alone, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. And of course, I couldn’t just ask, “So, why did you call me here?”—that’d be walking straight into a trap.

“I heard you’re heading back home tomorrow,” he said, scratching his cheek a little awkwardly. “I thought we could talk a bit more before that.”

Relief washed through me.
We’d both been overthinking things and getting all flustered, but it looked like that had all been for nothing.

“Sure! I was just chatting with my friends in the room anyway.”

I smiled. It came out a little stiff, but hopefully it didn’t look weird.

He looked at me for a moment.

“Wanna grab something to drink?”

I nodded. He stood up from his chair and walked toward the vending machines, and I followed.

He offered to pay, but after the shaved ice earlier today, I felt bad letting him treat me again, so I declined.

I bought a small bottle of juice, but when I tried to open it, the cap wouldn’t budge.
N-not that I was desperate to drink it or anything! It’s just—the cap’s wet, yeah, that’s it! It’s slippery because it’s wet!

As I tried to rationalize my struggle to myself—

“Can’t open it? Want me to?”

He’d seen right through me.

Embarrassed, I looked down and handed him the bottle. He gripped the cap lightly, and with a soft click, it opened instantly. Then he twisted it back on loosely and handed it back.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

He smiled, and I couldn’t help but smile back.

I took a sip of my juice. Seeing that, he gave a small nod.

“So, about that—”

Just as he began to speak, a little kid on the tatami started crying loudly.

He scratched his head, looking a bit awkward. Getting interrupted right when you’re about to say something really throws you off. If it were me, I’d probably be torn between trying again or just dropping the topic altogether.

“Wanna move somewhere else?” he suggested.

“Where to?”

“Maybe near the entrance.”

“…Got it.”

We walked side by side toward the entrance of the inn. He slowed his pace, matching his steps with mine.

“Do you and your friends have any other summer plans, Sakura-san?” he asked along the way.

“Hmm… probably just camping.”

“With your friends?”

“Yeah.”

“I see.”

That was all he said. He looked like he was thinking about something, but I couldn’t tell what. It didn’t seem like I’d said anything wrong, yet the conversation just kind of stopped there.

Without another word, we passed through the inn’s lobby and stepped outside. The silence between us felt a little awkward.

“Ah—watch your step there, there’s a—”

“Eh? Whoa—!”

I hadn’t been watching where I was going. The ground I thought was there… wasn’t, and I stumbled forward hard.

“Uh oh—!”

I completely lost my balance and fell—

—but never hit the ground.

“You okay?”

His voice came from right above my head.

When I opened my eyes, the letters printed on his T-shirt filled my vision. I could feel his hands holding my arms. Wait… that means—

He’s holding me.

As that realization hit, my face went hot all at once. Th-this is bad! I need to get out of his arms, fast!

“S-sorry!”

I jumped back in a panic—
and immediately caught my heel on the same step I’d tripped over before. Losing my balance again, I fell backward this time, landing square on my backside.

“Ow…”

The asphalt was hard, and it hurt—a lot. I couldn’t even get up right away; my eyes were already watering.

What am I even doing? Panicking all on my own, tripping all on my own… I must look like such an idiot.

“You okay?”

He reached out a hand to me.

But I couldn’t take it. Partly because I was embarrassed—but more than that, some vague fear stopped me. A fear that if I let him touch me again, something inside my head would completely short-circuit.

“I can stand up on my own.”

Even with watery eyes, I put on a brave face and forced myself to stand. Honestly, it still hurt quite a bit.

Seeing that, he smiled softly and withdrew his hand.

A silence fell between us.

Even though it was nighttime, the air was thick and humid. Faint stars dotted the sky—not exactly a blanket of stars, but more than I ever saw back home. From the inn’s entrance, the sea was just barely visible in the distance. At night, it looked black and a little scary—so different from the bright, lively ocean during the day.

“Hey, Sakura-san,” he said suddenly, breaking the silence. “Do you do any clubs at school?”

It was kind of out of nowhere, but I was glad for the chance to talk instead of just standing there in silence.

“It’s not really a club, but… I’m in the cooking club.”

“Oh? So you’re good at cooking then.”

“N-not really!”

I blurted out, flustered.

He just laughed lightly. “Haha, I see. Still, I’d like to try your cooking sometime.”

Completely ignoring my modesty, he said it with that easy smile.

“Maybe if there’s ever a chance,” I replied, smiling back a little.

But would there ever be a chance? By tomorrow, we’d be going our separate ways. We didn’t even have each other’s contact info. There wasn’t anything connecting us beyond this moment.

“You’re in the kendo club, right, Aoi-kun?”

I shifted the topic toward him—partly to steer away from the whole “if there’s a chance” thing.

“Yeah. I’m surprised you remembered.”

Fortunately, he didn’t seem to notice the change in subject. He smiled as he answered.

“We’ve got a practice match coming up soon.”

“Really?”

According to him, his kendo club “isn’t all that strong, honestly.” He said he wasn’t that good himself either, but now that the third-years were retiring for the summer, he’d finally get to take part in a real match.

“So… that’ll be your first match?”

“Hmm, not exactly. I’ve been in a few others, so it’s not the first.”

I knew next to nothing about sports clubs—let alone kendo. I think we did it once back in middle school P.E., but I couldn’t remember a thing about it. Even when I was a guy, I wasn’t strong or athletic, so I definitely hadn’t won any matches.

“Sakura-san, if you’d like… you could come watch.”

“Eh? O-oh, um… sure.”

I nodded before I even thought about it.

I didn’t understand kendo at all—and besides, is it even normal for outsiders to show up and cheer at a practice match?

…No, that’s not really the issue.

Was it okay to just agree like that without thinking? People have told me I let my guard down too easily, and maybe they’re right. Wasn’t I supposed to think about what I was doing first?

He invited me to come watch his match. That had to mean he liked me—at least a little. But me? I didn’t even know how I felt.

Did I like Aoi-kun? He was a nice person, sure—but did I like him like that? I wasn’t sure I could say that either. Yet I didn’t see him as just “another guy” anymore, either.

I was stuck somewhere in between. Caught in the blurred space between boy and girl, between who I used to be and who I am now. Because of that, I couldn’t move forward in any direction.

Even within myself, the line between male and female felt hazy. And because of that, I couldn’t fall in love—not properly.

Could I give an answer now? Of course not. If I could, I wouldn’t be struggling like this. I’d thought about it back in the inn, and so many times during the first semester, but I still didn’t know what I wanted.

It’s my own life, my own choice—so I should be the one to decide. Yet whether it’s choosing to live as a girl or choosing to live as a boy… both paths terrified me.

Somewhere deep down, I kept hoping something—someone—would make the decision for me. That maybe, if I just waited, the world would push me in one direction.

The truth is, I’m just a coward, always running away.

Could someone like me—half-formed, uncertain—really afford to make someone happy? If I accepted his feelings now, wouldn’t that just be leading him on?

“Ah, I mean—you don’t have to, okay?” he added quickly, waving his hands. “Just… I’d be happy if you came, that’s all.”

When I fell silent, Aoi-kun hurried to add something. I was probably making a really awful face right now. I’d only ended up worrying him—someone who’d done absolutely nothing wrong. Yoshino-san even told me to smile more, and yet here I was, failing at that. Pathetic.

“Yeah… If our schedules line up, I’ll go. And if I do go… is it okay if I invite some friends along?”

I finally managed to get the words out.

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

He looked just a little disappointed. But he didn’t say anything more.

Silence fell again. The awkwardness from before mixed with irritation toward myself, and I felt like I might throw up.

“Ah, can I at least get your contact info?”

He glanced at my face. I nodded slowly.

As I looked at the email address I’d just received via infrared transfer, a thought crossed my mind. Maybe I should’ve turned him down right here. Maybe it would’ve been better if he just forgot about me altogether.

“It’s already ten. We should probably head back. Sorry for keeping you out so long.”

He smiled at me—gently, kindly.

“Yeah, you’re right. But I think I’ll stay out a little longer to get some fresh air. You can go on ahead, Aoi-kun.”

I forced a smile in return. Somehow, I just wanted to be alone for a bit.

“I see. Alright then. Don’t catch a cold, okay?”

With that, he turned and went back inside the inn. Watching his back as he left, I wanted to apologize.

I wasn’t even sad, and yet—for some reason—tears slid down my cheeks.

After crying outside for a while, I finally started to calm down. Right now… love just isn’t something I can handle.

But staying stuck between “boy” and “girl,” not knowing which side to stand on, hurts too. So I’ll try to decide. I don’t know when, but someday, as I keep living day by day, I want to find my answer.

When I got back to the room, everyone was worried because I’d been gone so long. And since my face was still all puffy from crying, they somehow decided Aoi-kun had made me cry, and the place exploded into chaos. Moeka-chan even shouted, “I’m gonna go throw him across the room!” and refused to calm down. Honestly, it was a total disaster…

The next morning, we checked out of the inn and rode the bus back to the station.

When I looked at my phone, there was a new message waiting. It was from Aoi-kun. He was worried about me after we’d parted ways last night, and ended the message by saying he hoped I was doing well and that we’d meet again. I replied, “See you.”

I didn’t know if I’d have sorted out my feelings by the next time we met—but I hoped I would. Maybe then, I could talk to him properly.

As I was thinking that, another email came in. I thought it might be a reply from Aoi-kun, but the sender was Ryoji.

“Currently in remedial class. Yoshikawa agreed to join because he was bored, but being surrounded by nothing but guys is killing me. Please show your face soon.”

What are you doing, idiot? Pay attention to your lessons.

Even so, the familiar tone made me feel oddly relieved. I couldn’t help but smile.

So Togo’s there with him too, huh. He’s such a good friend.

This trip made me think about a lot of things. But it was fun, and it gave me memories I’ll never forget.

I replayed the past three days in my head, and then my thoughts drifted to what came next.

Once I get home, I’ve got to start preparing for camp. I wonder what I’ll need for that.

And I need to find a part-time job too. Of course, there’s also homework waiting for me… Looks like I’ve got a busy summer ahead.