Chapter 52: Beautiful Girl, After Much Thought

"See you later!"

"Bye-bye!"

One by one, everyone got off the train at their stations.

On the way there, we’d all met up at the transfer point since everyone boarded from different places. But on the way back, we just got off whenever our stops came. One friend after another waved goodbye—until only Ryoji and I were left.

I sank into an empty seat. Luckily, it was by the window, so I leaned against the handrail and let my body relax.

Honestly, I was completely worn out. I’d felt fine last night, but when I woke up this morning, my body was screaming—utterly drained.

It wasn’t summer fatigue. It was a summer cold. Getting drenched in the river at the start probably hadn’t helped either…

Still, since today was just the trip home and nothing physically demanding, I figured I could manage. I didn’t want everyone to worry, so I’d kept quiet about it all day.

Now that everyone had gone their separate ways, all I had to do was make it home.

"Hey, Ayumu."

"Hm? What is it?"

Ryoji was standing in front of my seat. Then, in a matter-of-fact tone, he said:

"You caught a cold, didn’t you?"

"N-no, I didn’t!"

I panicked and denied it on reflex.

"I thought so. You’ve looked a little unsteady since yesterday."

Even though I kept insisting he was wrong, Ryoji wouldn’t let it go.

He reached out and placed a hand on my forehead.

"Ah…"

I flinched slightly but didn’t pull away.

"Hmm. Hard to tell, but… you’re warm. And your face is a little red. I think you’ve got a fever."

"I’m pretty sure I’m fine…"

That was a lie. Yesterday, I probably hadn’t had a fever yet. But this morning, I could tell my temperature had gone up. When your body isn’t okay, you just know.

Even so, it had only been a low fever when I woke up. I could still move around, so no one noticed anything wrong. But as the day went on, it kept getting worse. Now, even just sitting here felt like a struggle. I only hoped I hadn’t passed it on to anyone.

"Think you can make it home?"

"Yeah. I’ll be fine."

I forced a smile at Ryoji.
To be honest, the thought of standing at the bus stop already made me dizzy.

"If you say so. But just in case, let’s grab a taxi, alright?"

He grinned at me.

Ah… so he knows I’m not fine at all.

"You’ve always been terrible at lying, Ayumu. It shows all over your face. So quit pretending you’re okay, alright?"

I nodded quietly and closed my eyes, still leaning against the handrail.

When the taxi dropped us off, Mom was already waiting at the door.
Ryoji quickly explained my condition, and before I knew it, I was being guided straight to my room.

She sat me on my bed, pulled out some pajamas from the dresser, and handed them to me.

"Here. Change into these for now."

I did as she said and began changing.

"You’ve looked a little off lately, so I was worried. Don’t go making your friends worry too, okay?"

She neatly folded the clothes I’d taken off so they wouldn’t wrinkle.

"Yeah…"

I lowered my gaze. I’d already worried Ryoji enough.
He even paid for the taxi… I’d have to pay him back later.

"Ayumi-chan, you’ve been worrying about something lately, haven’t you?"

I froze and looked up, startled.

"Wondering how I could tell? Of course I can! I’m your mom!"

She puffed out her chest proudly with a smug little grin.
Somehow, that alone was enough to make me accept it.

"Aww, that blank look on your face is so cute! If you weren’t sick, I’d give you the biggest hug right now!"

Mom beamed, but then her tone softened as she added seriously:

"If something’s bothering you, then worry about it all you need to. And if you can’t find the answer, it’s okay to talk to someone about it, alright?"

I nodded silently.

But… who could I even talk to?
Almost no one even knows I used to be a boy. And besides, this is my problem. I have to be the one to deal with it.

"Hey now—don’t overthink things when you’re sick. It’ll just make you more tired. And listen, solving everything by yourself isn’t always the best way. When you need help, lean on someone, okay?"

With that, Mom left the room and closed the door.
I felt a little lonely watching her go—but then the door swung open again, and she peeked back in.

"If you need anything, just call me, okay? I’d walk through fire or water for my poor, sick Ayumi-chan! Oh, and I left a thermometer there—take your temperature, alright?"

"Okay, thanks."

This time she really left.

Now alone, I crawled under the blanket and tucked the thermometer under my arm.

After a while, a soft electronic beep-beep came from under the covers.
The thermometer was done. I pulled it out and checked the display.

38.2°C.
No wonder I feel so awful…

My body temperature’s usually low, so anything over 38 means a high fever for me. I stared at the glowing digits for a moment before setting it beside my pillow and looking up at the ceiling.

What should I do? I asked myself in the empty room.

Should I live as a boy? Or as a girl? I’ve asked myself that so many times. Up until now, I’d always avoided giving it a real answer. It hadn’t mattered—going to school, hanging out with friends, everything just felt normal.

But ever since meeting Aoi-kun, I haven’t known how to handle someone who might actually like me. Especially since he’s a boy.

It feels dishonest to keep dodging it like before. Deep down, I know that won’t work anymore.

So what then?

If I live as a boy… my friendships will probably fall apart. I’ve finally grown close to everyone—I don’t want to lose that.

If I live as a girl… what happens to the boy I used to be?
Would that part of me just disappear?

No. I already know the truth. Living as a girl is the right choice. There’s no going back now.

But could I fall for a boy? Really fall for one? Back when I first became a girl, I don’t think I could have. But now… maybe. I see girls as friends—equals—and boys as something… different.

Even so, if I choose to live as a girl… where does that leave the boy I used to be? Can I just erase him myself? Were those fifteen years all for nothing?

"Hey, I’m coming in."

The door to my room opened, and Ryoji stepped inside. Apparently, he’d been knocking—but I hadn’t noticed at all.

He was holding a drink in his hand.

"Here. Make sure you stay hydrated."

"Thanks…"

I pushed myself up, and Ryoji quietly handed me a glass of juice. I took a small sip while he sat on the edge of my bed, watching me.

"Ayumu, what’s wrong? You look like you’re about to cry."

Was I really making such a pathetic face again?

"N-no, it’s nothing."

Ryoji gave me a doubtful look.

"Really? …Well, I should get going. If you start feeling worse, call your mom, alright?"

He stood up as he said that.

But for some reason, a heavy, restless feeling filled my chest.

"Hm? What’s wrong?"

Before I realized it, my hand had reached out and grabbed the hem of his shirt.
Why did I do that? My body just… moved on its own.

"Ah—uh… well…"

The words caught in my throat.
It would’ve been easy to just say “nothing.” But it wasn’t nothing. Not this time.

I knew I should be the one to decide how to live my own life—but still…
I wanted to talk to someone. Being alone with these thoughts was scary and exhausting.

"Um… Ryoji. What did you think… when I became a girl?"

Ryoji’s eyes widened at the question.

"What did I think? Well—yeah, I was pretty shocked."

"R-right, that’s only natural… who wouldn’t be surprised, huh?"

We looked at each other—and then both fell silent.

"Then… what did you think about me living as a girl?"

He gave a short laugh. "You sure are full of questions today. What’s gotten into you?"

He smiled a little awkwardly, but when his eyes met mine, his expression softened into something more serious.

"Honestly? At first, I was kinda jealous. I mean—you get to go into the girls’ locker room and all."

"What the heck… It wasn’t easy for me, you know."

I slumped forward, disheartened by his teasing.

"Yeah, I know. You were struggling a lot—I could tell. But even then, I thought it was amazing how hard you were trying to adjust."

"You… you never thought it was gross or anything?"

"Why would I?"

He looked genuinely puzzled.

It wasn’t an easy question to ask—or to answer. I mean, if some guy suddenly turned into a girl and started living like one, most people would feel weird about it… maybe even disgusted.

"Oh, you mean because you became a girl? But it’s not like that was your fault, right?"

"Well, no, but…"

"Gross? Not even close. Honestly, I just thought you were ridiculously cute."

Hearing that so bluntly made my face heat up.
No, no—this isn’t the time to get flustered by a compliment!

"Then… what if someday, I ended up falling for a boy? Would that be… weird to you?"

Ryoji’s eyes flickered in surprise. He didn’t speak right away—but I noticed his hand tremble slightly around the glass he was holding.

"No. It wouldn’t be weird at all.
If that’s what you want… if that’s the way you want to live… then there’s nothing wrong with it."

"Yeah…"

Once again, silence filled the room.
And once again, I was the one to break it.

"Hey, Ryoji… do you think I’m weird? I haven’t even been a girl for that long, and yet I’ve started feeling this way. I can feel myself becoming more and more like a girl lately—and I don’t even know if that’s okay. If I just keep going like this, won’t the boy I used to be… disappear completely—?"

The emotions that had been building up inside me finally spilled out as words.
Ryoji listened quietly the whole time.

Then, without a word, he slowly raised his right hand—and flicked me on the forehead.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"You were starting to go off the rails, saying all kinds of nonsense."

"Nonsense?!"

"Look, whether you live as a girl or a boy, whatever choice you make—it doesn’t erase the old you."

"Why…?"

Ryoji sighed and shrugged a little, as if the answer were obvious.

"Because neither you nor I are ever going to forget who you were."

"Ah…"

His reply was so firm, so certain, that I couldn’t find any words in response.

"And besides, why are you separating ‘who you were as a boy’ from ‘who you are now as a girl’? They’re both you. You just changed at one point in your life, that’s all.

At first, only your body changed—your mind didn’t suddenly become that of a girl overnight, right? It’s all still you. So dividing yourself into a ‘boy version’ and a ‘girl version’ doesn’t make sense.

People change all the time—how they think, who they love, everything. So if you became a girl and end up liking boys, that’s completely normal."

I could only listen quietly to his words.

Maybe I’d been overthinking it. Maybe I’d been so desperate to find an answer that I’d backed myself into a corner.

I thought that living as a girl meant rejecting and erasing the boy I used to be.
But Ryoji didn’t see it that way.

To him, I was the same person from beginning to end.
The past doesn’t vanish—it just becomes part of who I am now.
I can live as I am, as a girl, and that’s enough.

People change. That’s natural. There’s no reason to fear it.

It felt like something heavy inside my chest had finally lifted.

"Thanks, Ryoji. I feel… a lot better now."

Talking to him really had been the right choice. I meant that from the bottom of my heart.

"Good. I’m glad to hear it."

Ryoji gave me a small grin.

"Just so you know—I’ll still be your friend, no matter how you change."

"Uh… thanks…"

Hearing him say something like that so straightforwardly—it made me happy, but also a little embarrassed. I couldn’t help but avert my eyes.

"Maybe I’ll even get the honor of being the first guy you fall for, huh?"

"Oh, come on…"

I let out a sigh of exasperation.
Still… he did look kind of cool saying that.

"And hey, Ayumu—thanks for talking to me about this. But there’s someone else who’s been with you for fifteen years, right? Make sure you talk to them too, okay?"

"Y-yeah… I will."

Ryoji smiled again and stood up from the bed.
My hand was no longer clutching his shirt.

He reached for the doorknob, then turned back toward me.

"Alright. I’m heading out. Get some proper rest, okay?"

"Yeah. See you."

He gave a small wave and left the room.

Now alone, I realized how exhausted I was from sitting up so long while running a fever.
I burrowed under the blanket, my body slowly sinking into its warmth. Sleepiness crept over me—gentle and comforting.

Tonight… maybe, just maybe, I’ll finally have a good dream.