Book 3, Chapter 26: Rhinos And Sarissa
After my guards returned, I found the ambassador outside. A little entourage, like my four guards. Brin had left to go do Brin stuff, like check on the quartermaster’s reports of our expenditures and incoming food stocks, so it was just the handsome ambassador and myself, the guards behind us. Ugh, I thought, why couldn’t I just transfer my claim to their throne to someone who wanted it and have them marry the emperor?
“Your Highness, lovely to see you again. And, I must say, even lovelier to see you in such a regal and graceful dress.” The ambassador was wearing the nearest outfit I’d seen to a modern suit yet. Only the pants were wider and the jacket stretched nearly to his ankles. But they were pants. Pants! Regal, not the kind the peasants wore, tied with rope to keep them up, but with actual belt loops and a belt. I could scarcely believe my eyes. Nearly made me change my mind about marrying his emperor if I could get my hands on those. Perhaps start a new industry in denim. “Your Highness?”
“Oh! Sorry, I was taken by your clothing. I’ve never seen these kinds of trousers before.”
“Trousers?”
“Your, ah, pants? Leggings?”
“Ah, I see. They are an innovation to the hose your men are so fond of wearing.”
“In this we agree, Ambassador.” I leaned in closer, and spoke with pretend quietness, “Hose is a bit silly.”
He smiled, “A little too dandy for us barbarians.”
I smiled back, hoping we were bonding but knowing otherwise, “Come, let us walk. You can show me the war rhinos and afterwards, we’ll tour my soldiers, who should be training.” It was lightly snowing, as Brin had said, and she’d dressed me in knee-high boots before leaving the castle. They were only a little over the top, with fur around the edges and red leather laces. No flower imprints or cute white fluffy hearts or anything, so that was nice. To make up for that, Brin forced me to bring a bright red parasol with golden clouds drawn atop it. It hung at my side, unopened. Maybe, just maybe, I could use it as a weapon.
“I’m curious, have you found your first four husbands yet?”
“Ah, between you and me, the pickings are pretty slim so far.”
“I suspect few of those offering to take your hand in marriage have substantial . . . worth.”
I looked up at him while we walked, not quite getting his meaning, unless it was simply to insult the men here, which, sure, go right ahead. “Certainly, none of them own war rhinos.”
“One of them does.”
“Then he’s content being my fifth husband?”
He politely coughed. “Given that you’ve never been to Laemacia, perhaps you should schedule a visit to get to know our lands, our people.”
“That’s not a bad idea.”
“Your Highness, you’ll find I’m full of not bad ideas.”
***
“Holy shi-, wow! That thing is huge!” The rhinos were larger than imaginable, much, much bigger than a horse. Easily four times wider, their shoulders as tall as Morry. And, hairy. Long hair draped off their bodies, keeping them warm in the cold. Horns longer than my sword and curved upward, the Laemacians had overlaid metal atop a third of its length, and they looked as sharp as any spear.
The ambassador smiled, clearly pleased with my shock, “They can carry between two and four men. The first is the trainer and steers the beast. The next three can be outfitted with arrows, spears or javelins.”
“What about the horn? Can it . . . are they smart enough to attack people?”
“Oh yes. Very much so. Horses, too. Anything that gets in their way.”
I stopped where I was. This one stood there tame enough, but it was just so imposing, my bodily alarm bells were screaming at me not to go any closer. “How . . . how fast do they run?”
“Much, much faster than a man. Not quite as fast as a horse.”
“These are truly impressive animals. How long does it take to train soldiers in, ah, rhino.”
He laughed, “My lady, naturally we have included the individual handlers for each animal.”
“Yes, you have and thoughtful of you to include them. Uhm, what about their families, their homes?”
“It is our sincere wish that you will marry Emperor Otholos, and the soldiers will then live here in Laemacia. Their families would be free to join them. Or the men may take local wives.”
“Ah. No guilt trip or anything.”
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing. Listen, that’s quite generous of your emperor to gift us these rhinos. I am just amazed by them and surely they will aid my summer campaign.”
“Summer campaign?”
“Oh,” I tried to be as sincere in my pretend shock as possible. “Yes. One of my duchies is wayward and must be returned to the fold. Come summer, we will be riding on them.” I was sure the ambassador already knew about the Barclay Duchy, so this would come as no surprise to him. But perhaps thinking our campaign was to begin in summer would throw off their own ideas of invasion. No reason at all to tell him our actual march on the wayward duchy would begin in spring.
“I see. Though I believe the rhinos will help you in this endeavor, were you wife to the emperor-”
“Oh, it’s to be wife only is it?”
“My lady, I don’t understand your question.”
“I’m the princess here. Soon to be queen. I’m not giving up these titles in marriage.”
“Ah, I see. Yes. As I previously said, you’d be fourth wife and therefore most important to the emperor-”
“So, empress?”
“Not as such, no.”
“Do the other wives also carry lands and titles with them? Do they have a kingdom?”
“No, my lady.”
“Then, you’ll have to do better.” I did my best to look young and cute and full of confidence when looking him in the eye and saying, “Empress or nothing. And all my titles here.”
He didn’t quite smile, but his eyes weren’t unhappy as they measured me. “Now we have something to build upon.”
I put my arm in his, “Let us go check out, I mean, observe my soldiers training. We can discuss the particulars later.” This time, at least, I didn’t get all angry and reject his demands. Though it was frustrating, I probably had to keep this option open. In the meantime, I hoped and hoped that back in Laemacia and in the safety of his castle, the usurper would have a heart attack.
***
No snow lay on the ground the infantry trained on, their nonstop practice having long since crushed it to water, mud and grass. The sarissa centuriad was having difficulties. Gun had given them full sized shields, just like the regular phalanx. They couldn’t maneuver with the same speed the regular phalanx could and were getting tagged out a lot.
“Your new pike seems promising,” the ambassador said.
I threw youthful excitement and glee into my voice, “If you think about it, the longer the pike, the better to hit the other person! It’ll just take some time for the troops to figure these out. I’m sure we’ll dominate the battlefield!”
Ambassador Serce didn’t even sound bored. “Oh, I have no doubt. How long have the infantry been training with these weapons you’ve invented?”
“At least three months now. And they’re making so much progress.”
“Are they supposed to bend in the middle like that?”
Now that he mentioned it, they were bending in the middle. Gun and Brundle must have had a bad batch made. Or perhaps mistakes not thrown out. I couldn’t help but wonder at what point the attempted deception became satire, and therefore obvious. “I don’t know. Great for causing non-fatal injuries to your opponent and therefore overwhelming their medical system.”
He looked at me, an eyebrow rising, “Is that how you see warfare, my lady?”
“Yes.” A part of me was hating myself for trying, and probably failing, to play the bimbo. A fourteen-year-old would speak with all the certainty that adults restrict to topics of their particular expertise. And, anyways, I was almost fifteen!
“And how many wars have you been in?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” My arm in his, I directed our walk away from the training. No need for him to potentially work out how to fix the flaws our soldiers were training with. “One war, I guess. Three battles. Though I was unconscious for most of the first and only woke up as a prisoner in the Ketzillian camp.”
“A prisoner? And you escaped? You are more remarkable than I imagined.”
“No, no, it was just luck.”
“In my experience luck doesn’t exist, but opportunity does. How may I ask did you escape?”
I tried, and failed, to come up with a dumb story about that night. It was forever etched in my mind, being my first day on this world. First day with memories of my past, before they faded. Lying is so much more difficult than telling the truth, I simply went with the story about how the would-be rapist lost his dirk and led to my escape. Minus the shock of suddenly being a young princess.
“You would make the emperor a fine wife. Yet a part of me thinks you’d perhaps be too much for him.”
“In that we agree. I would be too much for him. Anyways, how old is the emperor?”
“He’ll be thirty-six this year.”
“You know I’m not quite fifteen, right? I mean, like, almost fifteen. But not quite.”
“Yes, my lady.”
“Let’s just say marrying someone more than twice my age is exactly the opposite of appealing.”
“Well, we can make certain assurances about-”
“Let me guess, consummating the marriage? No, don’t explain, I don’t want to know. I want other assurances. You said I’d be his fourth wife. Can I stay here and rule? Do I have to see him?”
He looked taken aback, “Well, you’d have to move to his palace, certainly.”
I decided to throw him off. “What about yourself? You’re a handsome man. How would you like to marry a princess?”
“Excuse me?” He almost stopped walking but caught himself in time.
“What if, I don’t know,” I took his hands in mine and faced him, forcing the soldiers behind us to stop marching, “we were to get married?”
“My lady! This . . . will not do.”
“No, it won’t.” I dropped his hands. “We’ll have to talk more on this subject. I have weapons practice.”
“Weapons practice?”
“Yes, with a sword. Good day, Ambassador Serce.” As I walked off, ignoring his good-byes, I couldn’t help but think I messed everything up again by giving into my childish impulses. Damn, but they were powerful. I really just wanted to kick that guy in the shins, then run away. Hopefully, he was thinking how difficult it would be to work with such an impulsive child, but probably he was just thinking I was mentally deficient.
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