Book 5, Chapter 13: The Least Best Night
“You really don’t have to start the fire, you know.”
The big man placed another heavy rock down, finishing the circle around the firepit he was about to make. “I enjoy making fires.”
“Oh, ok. I could, you know, get it going instantly if you like.”
“After such a long walk, why don’t you do just that? Our food will be ready more quickly then.”
“Sure, back up a bit.”
He did. Whoosh! We now had fire.
“That was quick.”
A bunch of foxes, in a line, trotted up to Morry. The first one dropped a mouse, the second, another mouse, the third, a rabbit, the fourth, a mouse, and so on. Eventually, there were a pile of some tens of mice or voles, I didn’t know which, a couple squirrels – how did they catch those? – and a grouse.
Morry smiled at me, squatted down, hand on his chin, considering. “Ok, you guys get this one.” He pushed a mouse toward the foxes. “And, we’ll take this one.” He picked up the rabbit. “Now, this one is big, so it’s only fair if you get these three mice. And I’m partial to squirrel, so if you don’t mind, we’ll be taking these. They’re worth four mice each, so you can have these. And the princess over there, well, she likes grouse. And a grouse, I figure, is worth, well, the rest of these mice. Thank you very much. Oh, and the best part of these animals, surely.” The big man took out a knife, began gutting and skinning our half of the loot.
‘Huh,’ I thought to myself, ‘you never see this in a Disney story.’ Then I said aloud, “That is very kind of you to redistribute their offerings.”
“Offerings?”
“I guess that’s how I think of it. Morry!” I rushed over to him, hugging him from behind, “These animals make me question whether I am a deity. I know, I know, it’s insane. The idea is batshit crazy. What the hell does that even mean? But, seriously, I feel like these are mine, these foxes and ravens and crows. All mine. My tools, my servants, my favorite and loved companions. My symbols.”
“You believe Etienne was correct?”
“But I don’t remember anything!”
“Remember? What can’t you remember?”
“I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant.” Mind racing. Wanting to tell him. Now that I started sharing secrets, the rest almost tumbled out, like a dam bursting, but I caught myself, closed my eyes, and slowed down. “It’s just, it’s, like, fudge. Wouldn’t I know? Wouldn’t that be something a deity would know?”
“I don’t know much about magic or gods, Princess. But in the stories, they seem like idiots. Always fighting over someone, siblings having sex with each other, cursing each other’s children. I took them more as stories than truths, saying something about the pettiness of ourselves.”
“Yeah, that makes sense.”
“Right, and you’re not like that. What I meant was-”
“That I’m not idiotic enough to be a god?”
He laughed. “Just that, gods aren’t infallible.”
“Just that, huh?”
“You can try to be more idiotic, as you put it. Perhaps that will help.”
“Ah, you know, I’m fine. I’m perfectly fallible already.”
“Not sure I’d say perfectly. Suitably. Now that’s a much more accurate description.”
I stuck my tongue out at him.
***
The fire burned low. I set up our sleeping packs like last night, mine before his, and felt girlish and silly and annoyed at myself.
When he returned, I almost blushed.
“Princess?”
“Is this ok?”
“Entirely my pleasure.” He moved from the fire into his bedroll.
I snuggled into him, his warm body, so much bigger than mine. We lay there for a while, watching the flames dance. Morry had built the stones higher, placed more wood on it earlier, and we were left with warm coals and stones radiating heat our way. It was nice. Pleasant.
If it got too cool, I’d heat them up myself. No need to get up when you’re a lazy god.
As it became darker, and the breeze cooler, I couldn’t help myself. It felt like I’d been lying to him the whole time. “Morry?”
“Yes?”
The words faltered on my tongue. I changed them. “It hurt, thinking you were dead.”
“You were going to tell me something. About the answers you will find in this temple of Etienne’s?”
“The answers.”
“To what, Princess?”
“I’m not. Morry, I’m . . . I don’t know.”
“Yes?”
“Nothing, it’s nothing.”
“You have something on your mind?”
“Uh, I don’t think I’m the princess anymore. The mages, well that Aisu woman, she revoked my title.”
“It doesn’t matter what she said. She’s not around to tell anyone.”
“Well, without the mages, I can’t hold the kingdom.”
“The men who follow you decide that more than the mages, I think.”
“Not if the mages are willing to attack those who support me. Our army now has no defense against them.”
“It has you, Princess. If you are willing to stand up to the mages.”
“Morry, you . . . you’d said before not to fight them. To stay away from them.”
“But now you have bested them in battle. And they appear to have no defense against you. I think perhaps your power changes the situation.”
Pushing forward a little, toward the fire, I curled my arms around me, and the words left my mouth, “You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Princess, when men want what you have and are willing to kill for it, you are within your rights to defend yourself, even killing them.”
“They can have whatever they want! I don’t want it, I never asked to rule or be here!”
He paused, breathed in, then said, “Not when what they want are your men’s lives. No, then you must defend your soldiers, your knights, your kingdom and people with lethal force. Princess, only you can. Only you can.” He pulled me in close, in a hug, then said, “We should return to the army.”
I pulled away, out of his embrace, rolled over to face him, “No! You haven’t been listening.”
“I have. The mages fear you because they cannot control you. Or stop you.”
“When I, when you took my spear and left to attack the mages, I released the beast within. Let its awesome power consume me. Take over. I pushed Brundle away, because if he was near me, he would die. And then the energy reached up into the sky and I brought it all back down into a blast that was twenty feet wide and aimed that at the Ketzillian mages – they were killing our men! – it didn’t burn them alive, Morry, it instantly turned them into carbon. Ash. The very ground itself melted as I moved the beam across the battlefield.
“I must have killed twenty thousand men in the four seconds I moved that beam, before Etienne descended from the heavens and stole my energy. Morry, nothing can withstand that. No amount of magic. Nothing.” I wiped my eyes again, “I can probably turn entire mountains into pools of molten rock.”
“Then we must return to your army. Forgive me, but it’s time. The men need you. Princess, I know it’s difficult to kill. As a young woman, life has been very difficult for you. But you have killed to protect your soldiers. And you are the only person who can defend against the mages.”
“I was barely able to control the power – you don’t understand! The magic rages within me. It wants out, it wants to destroy, to burn everything. If I lose control, I won’t be able to stop and then these lands and all the people within . . . Morry, you cannot ask this of me! I won’t be responsible for the deaths of so many. I won’t.”
“I’ve seen you use it. You control yourself very well.”
“Tiny bits of magic.”
“You’ve restrained yourself very well. Any other ruler would have taken Ketzle and Laemacia by force already. Princess, you’re underestimating yourself. This is a gift. Our kingdom is on the verge of collapse. It’s within your means to keep it alive. Protect the army. Protect your people.”
“I have to go to that temple. I must learn whatever secrets that place has. I am going. I’m not returning to the army. Not now. Not yet.”
“What do you hope to learn from the temple?”
I wanted to tell him, ‘Who I am and why I’m here,’ but said, “how to, how to properly control the magic. So I don’t go on a rampage. And why I have this magic.”
“If you truly believe yourself to be a greater threat to the kingdom than the mages are, we will head to that temple.”
“Goodnight, Morry.”
“Goodnight, Princess.”
I pulled the blanket over my head and lay there hating myself. When you kill one, or maybe a few, you’re a murderer. When you kill thousands, you’re a conqueror. And, as Stalin said, more than that, millions, and the murdered become a statistic.
Morry was from this time, this world. I wanted to think he didn’t know what he was asking, but he did. He did. Life wasn’t cheap here. It was spent. And he wanted me to prevent our troops, our soldiers, our men, from being on the receiving end.
I understood. Could even respect that.
But I couldn’t do it.
Well, that’s not true. I could. All too easily.
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