Chapter 28: 12:00 PM

The famous literary phrase goes, "The train came out of the long tunnel into the snow country"—but passing through the door led to chaos.

"Haha, the old lady is quite something."

“Hah!? You filthy little brattt—!!”

A golden-haired boy and a pink-haired girl were clashing their Noble Phantasms and magecraft against each other. Stray attacks were destroying the cafe’s floor and tables, scattering fragments everywhere.

Something's wrong. I was supposed to be hired to exterminate a monster cat aiming for the role of the heroine.

Wait, is that pink-haired girl Cas-ko (Caster Tamamo no Mae)?

Wooaaah, the real Cas-ko is here!

What is with that scandalous style?!

I'm used to seeing beautiful girls like Arcueid, Sion, and Akiha, but as expected of the peerless beauty who once charmed an Emperor, Cas-ko is seriously a beautiful girl.

And the boy in the school uniform next to her must be her Master, Darling (Hakuno Kishinami). If it’s the Extra ending, he's living with a beautiful girl like that in a four-and-a-half-tatami-mat apartment... Explode, Riajuu!

“U-uh, fighting is, well, it’s not good at all, so won’t you please stop—and it just grazed meoww!?”

I heard a voice from the floor, so I looked down, and there it was. It was a truly bizarre creature, because although it belonged to the animal kingdom, it spoke human language.

That alone isn't so rare in the world of magecraft, but the problem was its appearance. It walked on two legs, wore human clothes, had hair like a human's on its head, and its face was utterly strange. The unbalanced arrangement made you doubt the design of a God; in particular, its eyes took up most of its face, like an alien Grey.

In short, what would happen if a heroine from a bishoujo manga with large eyes appeared in 3D?

Such a thought-experiment-like entity was in my line of sight—Neco-Arc was less grotesque and more of a creature. It was unbearable to look at, like something out of Cthulhu mythology, and my SAN value instantly plummeted.

My body temperature dropped rapidly, and my teeth chattered with fear. My heart, on the verge of exploding from fear and extreme tension, felt like it was about to seize up and stop moving.

I also broke out in a cold sweat.

I could only hiss out breaths, unable to properly inhale.

What a pathetic state for a monster, a blood-sucking demon, to be in.

It’s not looking at me now, but if it turns this way, will I be able to keep my sanity?

When those large eyes catch sight of me, will I actually—

“Yumizuka-san, is something the matter?”

“...!, Ah, n-no, nothing at all!”

Damn it, if Kohaku-san hadn't called out to me, I really would have had an instant sanity death right there.

Seriously, why is this thing the only one so faithful to its two-dimensional depiction!!?

Everyone said it was grotesque and creepy, even though I hadn't seen it myself, but now I understand how they feel...

And Riesbyfe calls this creepy-cute? I don't get it.

She has better artistic sense than Sion, yet I can't understand why she likes that...

“Well then, Yumizuka-san. Let’s stop those two!”

While I was thinking that, Kohaku-san said this, holding syringes in both hands.

...Ehh, you're kidding, right, Kohaku-san? You want me to stop them?

“Of course not! I hired Yumizuka-san to protect Ahnenerbe!”

She replied as if to say, What are you talking about?

U-uh, Kohaku-san, both of your opponents are residents of the mythical world, you know?

One is an ancient Mesopotamian hero, and the other is a nation-ruining beauty and the strongest magus; we can't possibly win. It might be better than dealing with Neco-Arc, who looks like a Cthulhu creature because of the realistic 2D depiction, though.

“Well, it’s true that while he was originally an evil god, he’s just a shell borrowing the body of a 'Hero of Justice Syndrome' victim now. He might be weakened, but dealing with a genuine deity is tough, not just a little, but even with my self-destruction technique.”

Avenger muttered listlessly.

It seems this man covered in full-body embroidery is surprisingly reasonable.

Alright, I'll form a joint front with Avenger and make a break for it.

“Hehe, but I don’t mind at all.”

Ah, Avenger, you battle maniac—!!

“Aha, it’s alright, Yumizuka-san. There’s that saying, ‘If everyone crosses a red light together, it’s not scary,’ right?”

To my overwhelmed self, Kohaku-san encouraged me with a sunflower-like smile.

But Kohaku-san, if you cross a red light, you’ll get run over by a car...

“Prepare yourself, Vampire. Let’s have a wonderful party at Ahnenerbe.”

Avenger spoke with a grin, using a turn of phrase like a certain demon of Solomon.

Even if I try to escape, Kohaku-san has subtly cut off my retreat, and in front of me, Kid Gil and Cas-ko are in the middle of a heated battle.

Aargh, fine, I get it, you bastard!

I just have to complete the simple job of knocking out two Heroic Spirits, right!

“Argh, fine, I get it, Kohaku-san. I’ll go. Yes, I’ll go, so please don’t prepare those suspicious medicines.”

“Ara, they're not illegal medicines, so it's perfectly fine, you know?”

Kohaku-san, who had been making a gesture of injecting herself with the syringe, played dumb with an endearing expression, as if to ask, What are you talking about?

...What kind of medicine was she planning to inject, anyway?

“Haha, it seems the talk is settled. Well then, I’ll go first.”

“Hey, Avenger!”

With the casual attitude of going to the convenience store next door, Avenger charged before I could stop him.

He's not sane, just like the Heroes of Justice he always criticizes, charging in without a plan!!

“Let me join in...”

“Huh? What do you want?”

“You’re in the way.”

And as expected, the moment Avenger jumped into the fray, Cas-ko’s magecraft and Kid Gil’s Noble Phantasm flew in, enveloping Avenger’s surroundings in a cloud of dust.

I choked on the dust. And when the dust cleared, Avenger, who should have been there, was gone.

No, I looked up at the ceiling, and there he was. Avenger was impaled on the ceiling, just like Lancer in Carnival Phantasm.

Avenger is deaaad!

Or rather, since the full-body embroidery is gone, he’s reverted to Shirou Emiya... Shirou Emiya is dead, too! You monster!

“Ah, what is it, you people? Are you planning to interrupt my fight?”

Because of Avenger’s charge, the worst thing happened: I was now targeted.

Kid Gil was also looking at me with interest, his Noble Phantasm pointed my way.

It’s a cramped cafe, so there’s no way to escape.

Therefore, the only way is to move forward—Damn it, I’ll do it!

Two young girls were walking.

That fact alone would be a common sight anywhere, but both were so-called gaijin-san (foreigners) in this country, and both were beauties.

One was a blonde, blue-eyed girl. Contrary to the custom of this country, where the habit of removing ties has long been established, she had the collar of her blouse tied neatly with a ribbon, even in this hot weather.

The fact that she was not sweating and wore a cool expression suggested that the girl was physically trained; indeed, her walking had the unique, unwavering movement of someone who practices martial arts.

Based on her appearance, she looked like she was just reaching high school age, but her face was androgynous, more dignified than cute, and somehow reminiscent of a sword.

The other girl was also a bishoujo. However, she had a more feminine face than the first. Her body was also full of femininity, with plump spheres protruding from beneath her clothes.

She was also more expressive than the blue-eyed girl, with her crimson eyes darting around and her expression changing every time she spoke.

The identities of these beautiful girls were: the blue-eyed girl was the Heroic Spirit Saber, and the crimson-eyed girl was the True Ancestor Princess Arcueid.

“So, Saber. With Prisma in the summer and UBW in the autumn, this year is a Fate anime festival for Type-Moon, isn't it? Congratulations! I'm jealous, I've been bored ever since my cameo in Extra.”

Arcueid congratulated Saber on the continuous broadcasts of the Fate series in summer and autumn, while simultaneously lamenting her own situation of never getting a remake.

“Thank you, Arcueid. But the Tsukihime remake is bound to come out eventually, so you’ll be fine, too, Arcueid.”

“Who knows how many years away that will be, though. They’re even planning a theatrical release for HF.”

Saber offered words of comfort, but Arcueid pouted with puffed cheeks.

It couldn't be helped. While information about Tsukihime sequels and remakes had been released piecemeal, unlike Fate, which was continually being expanded across various media, Tsukihime had virtually no movement.

Even if Tsukihime was an old work that debuted in 2000, Fate, which debuted as an adult game in 2004, is also ten years old this year. The Fate series hasn't slowed down, maintaining its strong popularity, and its spin-offs continue to multiply.

Moreover, Kara no Kyoukai, which is older than Tsukihime and started as only a web novel, has had all its episodes screened in theaters.

As one of the three major Type-Moon heroines and the main heroine of Tsukihime, Arcueid was not amused at all.

“L-Let’s hope Kinoko gets tired of Dark Souls.”

“I’m not hoping he gets tired, Saber. That dark worldview and brutal, instant-death-is-standard setting is right up Kinoko's alley. To put it another way, it’s like Caren after getting her 'hole filled' by the Bajiquan Priest, feeling so good she was in a double ahegao peace sign state.”

“Wha—!? Please stop with the Irisviel-like analogies! I believe that you, and only you, are not like that, so choose your words more carefully, Arcueid!!”

Saber offered a desperate word of comfort, but Arcueid brought up a rotten joke.

Judging by the inclusion of homo jokes that have increased since Zero, Arcueid seems to be quite sulky.

And Saber, knowing that her lord, who she is sworn to protect, evolved into Iris-Fuyuu (Irisviel-Fujo), that is, not a Homunculus but a Homunculus (Homou-culus) in the drama CDs, was flustered.

“Ah, speaking of which. For UBW airing in the fall, besides the classic ‘Aahh! Archer x Spear (meaningful),’ we can also have combinations like ‘Meat lump x Seaweed’s tentacle play,’ and ‘Goldie x Berserker’s ryona (gore) play,’ can’t we?”

“...!!”

It's no use; she's gone rotten. I must quickly change the subject. Otherwise, Arcueid will sink deeper into the realm of rot.

Saber sweated and thought to herself.

Is there anything, anything I can change the subject with!!?

Saber looked around but saw nothing—no, wait, there was something.

“T-The moon is beautiful today... No, it’s hot, isn’t it? Arcueid, we’ve arrived at Ahnenerbe, so let’s get something cold to drink first.”

“Eh, ah, wait! I was just about to talk about the one starring Gae ♂ Bolg...”

Grabbing Arcueid's arm, Saber forcefully entered the Cafe Ahnenerbe. She pretended not to hear the final, unsettling remark.

At the same time, she was relieved that she wouldn't have to listen to any more rotten talk. However, she was shocked by the state of Ahnenerbe.

“W-What is this disaster? And Shirou! Get a hold of yourself!”

A tiger mascot costume was face-down on the floor, and Shirou Emiya, Saber’s Master, was impaled and hanging from the ceiling.

Additionally, a pink-haired girl and a muscular man who smelled strangely of curry were lying on the floor.

Naturally, the cafe’s interior was ruined, looking like a total wreck, as if a war had broken out.

“Whoa, what is this chaos? Also, is that costume there Sacchin?”

Arcueid peered over Saber's shoulder and frowned at the state of Ahnenerbe.

What in the world happened?

That question arose in both their minds, but there were no clues.

As the pendulum clock chimed 12:00 PM, the two could only stare in bewilderment.