Chapter 58: Day 11 ②

Stagnant air. A rancid stench. A sense of taste stained by bitterness. The sound of something slimy.

A pitch-black world—like sludge. This is my world.

I sit inside it, all alone. There is, of course, no one else here but me.

"............"

I don't want to stand up. I don't want to keep my eyes open. I don't want to hear anything. ...I don't want to think about... anything.

I want to abandon everything and sink into the darkness, unknown to anyone. If it were possible, I would simply rot away as I am. ...Because if I don't, the hatred will overflow from my body.

Even so, this empty world calls forth my past. Even though I don't want to think about anything anymore.

I hated the pain. It was hideous. I wanted someone to save me. Without knowing anything, I was suddenly taken away and thrown into a cold, dark, and sickeningly filthy pit.

The old man who pushed me in did nothing but laugh. The crawling insects did nothing but devour. I did nothing but cry and scream.

I clung to them, begging for mercy. I apologized over and over, saying "I’m sorry." I didn’t think I had done anything wrong, but my mouth screamed those words of its own accord. Of course, the insects did not stop. I didn't know what to do to be saved. I was just so, so sad, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. When my voice went hoarse and I could no longer scream, I stopped thinking as well.

Since then, I have been swarmed more times than I can count. Literally, from the tips of my hair to the tips of my toenails, I was violated by those insects.

The white world is stained dark.

One day, several years later, I saw my brother enter the pit.

I was happy. A newly made brother. Blunt as he was, he was a kind brother. I thought he would save me. I thought it was finally over. On my own, I felt relief. On my own, I decided he would protect me. And so, on my own, I was betrayed.

I was berated, yelled at, and blamed by the person who was supposed to protect me. Of course, there was no salvation; I simply became a new outlet for my brother’s frustration.

Cracks form. Fissures run through the world.

The pain I felt was something my brother envied. His values and mine were completely different.

—Even though I never wanted the things that could be gained through such agony.

In the end, there was no one to save me. Even my brother, who was kind in his own way, turned out like this. I suppose that's just how this world is.

Yes, at some point, I had given up. Because no one would help me, there was nothing I could do. Because this was my destiny.

Even so, for a long time, I wondered, "Why is it only me?" My sister, who remained with our original family, was my last blood relative. My emotional support. And yet, surely, somewhere in my heart... I hated my sister.

For the longest time, I couldn't sleep at night. Food wouldn't go down my throat. My heart was parched, and only terror leaked out.

I couldn't smile. I was afraid of people. I couldn't scream. I was afraid of being betrayed.

I realized that in my world, I am all alone.

I became emaciated, a person who couldn't even manage a proper greeting. Even when I realized this, there was nothing I could do. The debt of being "soiled" stopped my feet whenever I tried to step forward. Once I believed I was the lowest of human beings, I no longer had the courage to try and change things.

...But even for someone like me, a sun appeared. The only person I was ever drawn to, despite having nothing but a sense of rejection toward human contact.

In the empty schoolyard, he was alone, continuing to attempt the high jump. He kept challenging a height that was impossible for him, failing over and over. I watched him blankly, wondering when he would give up and go home. It was a wretched, petty thought.

—I wanted to see someone else experience failure.

But in the end, without ever clearing that height even once, he simply cleaned up and went home. He didn't look discouraged; rather, his satisfied expression irritated me slightly. Having no room in my heart to care for others, I spat out the word "worthless" in my mind.

Later, when Emiya Shirou appeared as my brother's friend, I realized he was the boy from the high jump, and I felt a spark of interest. Not because he was that same person, but because I actually remembered him. For me, who saw others only as objects of fear, the abnormality of being interested in another person caused a sense of bewilderment. Even so, curiosity won out. Without knowing if there was "something" that made me feel that way. A tiny, tiny voice—but one that certainly came from me—began to speak.

As we spoke more, I became drawn to his character. A person who was earnest, kind, warm, and endlessly innocent. The way he disregarded his own well-being was almost pathological, almost frightening.

Beyond jealousy, I grew to love him. I thought that if I were with this person, even a "filthy" version of myself might become a little better.

Before I knew it, I was smiling with him.

Color had faintly returned to the world.

People became a little less scary. I became able to sleep, just a little. I could finally taste the food I ate.

My brother's friend. Senior and junior (Senpai and Kohai). It was a trivial relationship, but that connection felt precious to me. Taking care of him when he was sick was fun, and his gratitude made me happy. My chest would tighten, or grow warm with peace; my cheeks would loosen on their own, and sometimes I’d even try acting a little angry. Mundane things like going shopping together were happiness; I would get busy being sad or overthinking things, driving myself into a corner.

Conversely, my daily ritual in the pit became inescapable. My body had been remodeled. Without it, my body would begin to malfunction. Excessive Prana would go berserk, and excessive carnal desire would spiral out of control. My body craved a shameful state I did not even desire. My brother, who used me as an outlet, had at some point become my outlet without him even realizing it.

I enrolled in Homurahara Academy. My brother was there, Senpai was there, I was there—and my sister was there.

My sister, whom I hadn't seen in a long time, was beautiful. Perfect in conduct, excelling in both academics and sports. She was flawless, with a beauty that stole one's gaze. She didn't seem to socialize deeply, yet she was loved by the vast majority of students. And above all, she was noble. Even my brother, who surely found me bothersome, was drawn to her.

We are sisters, so why am I the only one who is inferior? Why am I the one looked down upon? As expected, I didn't know the reason.

—If that’s the case, then this world must be the thing that is abnormal.

...Even if there were a chance to exchange words with my sister, I wouldn't know how to speak to her now. The Matou and Tohsaka families have a non-aggression pact. The years created a gap, and the rules created a bond. In the Matou house, the Tohsakas were a thorn in our side, which I think was part of the reason. I didn't know how to react. It seemed she felt the same.

In the end, I only had Senpai. But that was enough for me. As long as I could be by his side, it was enough.

And then, the Holy Grail War I never wanted began.

I have no particular interest in myself as a Magus. I don't like conflict. I hated hating others. I was afraid that this would be the trigger for it. However, my past tortures were encapsulated into "Magecraft," and for me, the price of being soiled could only be found there. I couldn't throw away the trivial things I gained by paying such a massive price. Though I had no interest, only obsession remained in my Magecraft.

The Rider I summoned... I think she cared for me. Surely, for a reason other than just because I was her Master. Rider was taciturn and didn't talk much, but she sympathized with me in some way.

I ended up handing that Rider over to my brother. If I entrusted her to him, he would forgive my "daily ritual." My brother wouldn't seek me out. And the insects inside my body wouldn't go berserk. If I refused, those days would simply return; moreover, the Crest Worms acting as a time bomb would start raging, and I would soon be eaten from the inside out. Even though I was already "soiled," I didn't want to be submerged in that stagnant pit. I, who was supposed to have given up, clung to a faint light. My heart ached, but in the end, I valued myself. That was the only choice I had... surely.

In the brief time without the "ritual," the guilt I felt toward Senpai lightened. I went to Senpai's house with a brighter expression than usual. With a lighter step than usual. Senpai was already making breakfast. Seeing him scratch his cheek because he made too much was funny. We made lunch boxes together, and Fujimura-sensei came by and teased us. Ah, the world can look this beautiful... I had such cliché thoughts. Until I saw the bruise that appeared on Senpai's hand.

I had no choice but to tell my brother about it. The Matou's long-cherished wish. The Holy Grail, a wish-granting machine that Magi would die for. The war surrounding it. And the participants were too important as information. Precisely because I was an adoptee, I had to fulfill that duty and role.

I didn't know what one would wish for with such a machine. Grandfather never spoke of it. Only that we must win.

—I was a Magus of the Matou. However, seeing my brother trembling with rage after standing there in a daze gave me a bad feeling.

On the morning after the break, I hurried to Senpai's house. I wanted to see him as soon as possible. I wanted Senpai to blow away the bad feeling I had when I saw my brother.

And yet, at the entrance, an unknown girl greeted me, and in the spot where I always sat, there was my sister. Why are you here? Why are you invading my tiny world?

I, who had hidden my Magecraft from Senpai, had no choice but to pretend I didn't know. There was no way I could reveal it. Because my Magecraft began with being devoured. I would be disillusioned, loathed, and shunned. Losing the only person I had besides myself was more terrifying than death.

The girls who were with them—the Servants, Saber and Archer. I don't think they are the same kind of Heroic Spirits. Some part of me judged so. I didn't speak with Saber-san. If I faced those sharp eyes, I felt the illusion that my "dirty parts" would be pierced through. With Archer-san, I pretended to know nothing and talked about cooking. I wasn't in the mood to talk, but if I stayed depressed here, Senpai would be suspicious. I desperately put on a front and continued the conversation.

However, although her tone was different, Archer-san was somehow like Senpai, and before I knew it, I was smiling and talking naturally. Since it's said that a person similar to the Master is summoned, Senpai's Servant must have been Archer-san.

I was envious of Archer-san for being like Senpai, I felt distant, I was jealous, but I felt like I could never hate her. Surely, if we kept talking, I would grow to like her almost as much as Senpai. Even though I don't need anyone but Senpai. Even though I only want Senpai to be there.

Because of Senpai’s kindness, I was refused the chance to be with him.

I understood that he did it so that no danger would reach me. I'm happy. Because I can feel that Senpai thinks I am precious. But... for what purpose did I go so far as to give up Rider?

Various emotions were intersecting. Was I happy, angry, sad, or regretful?

Among them, the only emotion I understood was one. I simply hated the person who used to be my sister for being with Senpai. That was the only thing I could say for certain.

In a daze, I went to school and spent the classes mechanically. During the lunch break, I sat there not knowing what to do, when I overheard my classmates gossiping.

—It looks like Tohsaka-senpai got a boyfriend.

—Who is it?

—They say it's Emiya-senpai. The one with the orange hair.

—Eh, him...? No way.

—But they were eating lunch together on the rooftop. They were close together, and her face was beet red.

—That Tohsaka-senpai? I can't imagine it—.

In an instant, my vision was stained red, and then black. Such a surge of emotion only happened when I was with Senpai.

In contrast to the morning, I dragged my feet on the way home. Senpai isn't here. I’m sinking into depression. I don't want Senpai to see me like this. The contradiction of being depressed because he isn't here, yet feeling relief that he isn't here.

My brother told me to stay inside the house. Finally, even meeting at school became impossible. In the gloomy mansion where no sun reached, it was just me and Grandfather. There was no "daily ritual." However, it was a hollow freedom gained in exchange for letting go of Rider. ...I was already at a loss with the very thing I had craved. I confined myself to my room and sat down. I didn't want to see anyone. Right now, not even Senpai. If I didn't sort out my feelings, I felt like I would lash out even at him.

Suddenly, heat and a light pain ran through my left hand. My brother's Book of False Attendant was lost. I understood this by the backlash of the Command Spells returning to me.

Are Rider and my brother safe? I thought with my dull head. I knew that Rider hadn't vanished since the Command Spells returned, but whether they were safe was a different story.

While I had no strength to spare, I used the Master rights and the backlash of the Book to exercise Magecraft and share memories with Rider, who had not yet returned. Connecting with a Heroic Spirit like Rider carries a heavy price. However, I had to confirm the safety of my brother and Rider. Above all, I had to know if Senpai, who had become my brother's target, was safe. Considering that, such a price was a trivial matter.

"...Eh?"

Visuals and audio were replayed. The school stained crimson. Rider's Bounded Field. My brother was next to her. In the corner of her vision, Captain Mitsuzuri lay collapsed on the ground, but my brother didn't even give her a look.

And then, the sight of Senpai, seen from a higher vantage point than usual. The auditory sense of Rider being summoned. Something is wrong. My brother's voice. The sound of his laughter. It’s crumbling. My heart. My only person. The sight of Senpai smiling.

"Ah—you mean about Sakura?"

Senpai's face stiffened.

"Don't worry, she's probably exhausted and sleeping at home by now, right? Ha, ha-ha-ha-ha! I violated her until she stopped responding. All she does is cry, she’s so annoying, that useless girl!!"

"Come to think of it, even while I was pinning her down, she was desperately calling your name. She was so loud I hit her to shut her up!"

".................."

No words came to me. I couldn't think of anything.

The exercise of Magecraft also stopped from the shock of those words. My vision returned from the red-stained school to my own room. The blood in my body froze. Even my heart certainly stopped for a few beats. I could only hear the sound of something shattering inside me.

Is this the end?

Those words struck and snapped the central pillar of the existence known as Matou Sakura in a single blow. And yet, no tears came. I simply sat there, thinking of nothing.

Rider returned and explained the details of the incident to me. With my colorless vision, I blankly watched the usually taciturn Rider desperately trying to speak. How Senpai, angered by my brother's words, tried to kill him. How my brother explained to Senpai that it was all a lie intended to make him angry. How Senpai then believed that excuse and forgave him, so my brother was safe. How he was worried about me.

To be sure, my brother's provocation was likely a lie. However, that falsehood was only in the part where he hinted he "did it today"; the content itself was no different from what I had experienced in the past.

The day I was pinned down until I lost consciousness was the first day I was used as an outlet. The day I realized, while crying in a daze, that there was nothing but irrationality in the world surrounding Matou Sakura. The day I instinctively called Senpai's name during the act and was hit by my brother was the day I felt admiration for Senpai. The day I realized my "filthy" self was being held by someone else on the very day I fell in love.

My brother's excuse was nothing more than wordplay to beg for his life. Senpai likely believed my brother's double-lie completely without doubt. He probably doesn't think for a moment that such a thing happened to me. So, as long as I behave as I always do, we can remain in our previous relationship...

There are no other options. The one and only thin, thin path left to me. I have already walked halfway, the path behind me has collapsed, and I have no choice but to go forward. I have no choice but to move forward.

But what if the way Senpai looks at me has changed? If I am asked directly about the words my brother said————

"That was just my brother's lie."

If I just return that one sentence, it will suffice. Even if things don't go back to exactly how they were, they will settle down somehow. But, being stared at by Senpai's eyes, would I be able to fake it well? Just imagining it feels like my heart will be crushed; there's no way I could have the confidence to put on my usual smile in front of the man himself.

—Even so, I have to see Senpai. I have to tell him I'm safe. If I don't, I will surely lose the courage to see him from now on.

It wasn't until the following night that I made that decision. Terrible imaginations crossed my mind over and over; I couldn't eat or sleep, and this was the only conclusion I reached after thinking for a full day. It was the middle of the night, but I immediately ran out of the Matou mansion. If I had waited until I slept and woke up, my already fragile determination would have likely dulled.

The fact that my brother told me to stay inside the house was not even in a corner of my mind. I was consciously excluding my brother from my awareness. Because if I recognized his existence and thought about his actions, I didn't know what I would do to him.

I ran toward Senpai's house, but the lights were off. Knowing it was an inconvenience, I tried ringing the bell, but there was no response.

Is Senpai out? Since I ran out in just my clothes without bringing anything, I don't have a spare key. Should I return to the mansion, wait here, or go look for Senpai? I hesitated. While thinking, I couldn't stand still, so I dashed out from the gate and looked left and right. Then, my gaze was nailed in one direction. Far above, I could see the summit of the mountain glowing.

Large-scale Magecraft. It seemed they were cleverly concealing it with a Bounded Field, but even that wasn't perfect against such a high-output Prana. Of course, ordinary people wouldn't even feel a sense of unease, but I am a Magus. Reading the flow of Prana is no problem.

...There's no doubt, Senpai is there. I feel a sense of relief knowing his whereabouts. Thanks to running this far, fatigue was accumulating in my body. My destination was set, and I changed my running pace to a walk.

Senpai is up the hill. I move forward while catching my breath. While I can think of the process of meeting Senpai, I couldn't predict even a fragment of what would happen after we met. How should I start? I thought desperately while walking, but nothing came to mind.

At that moment, I was undoubtedly broken. Part of it was that I was forcibly trying not to think about my sister, who had pushed me aside and was nonchalantly staying at Senpai's house, and my heartless brother, who had made the crushing exposure. But if I had been even slightly sane, I should have known who those two were with. It wasn't even something I needed to think about.

At that time, I was just a patchwork of fragments that had shattered upon seeing Rider's memories, barely held together by the goal of "Senpai." Something shattered isn't supposed to return to its original state so easily, yet sadly, the broken person herself hadn't noticed that.

Just as the stone steps leading to Ryuudou Temple came into view, I instinctively hid at the sound of multiple footsteps and voices. I glared from the shadows at the group of about four people, thinking they shouldn't be out this late when I had to see Senpai right away—and then, I saw the scene.

The unconscious Senpai was just now being carried on someone's back. Two girls were helping. Their appearances were identical, but I knew their contents were not the same. Standing a step away, looking awkward but worriedly at Senpai, was my former sister. And the one carrying him was my current brother.

Seeing that originally mundane sight, I reached my breaking point.

Why is Tohsaka-senpai, who has everything, in my position? I only have one precious person left, and yet she won't be satisfied unless she takes even that from me? Even though she already has so much, is she going to take Senpai too? Don't mess with me.

Why is my brother, who did such terrible things to Senpai, carrying him? Even though he said he did something awful to me, even though he said he found Senpai so bothersome. Even though he treats me like nothing but an object, after driving me into a corner, with what face does he stand there alone?

————Why am I not in that group?

This is wrong. It's a mistake. I was the one who loved him more than anyone. The only person I could let inside my boundaries was Senpai. I only have Senpai. Even though I only have Senpai. Senpai’s mansion, where no one else was, like a closed world. The only happiness I finally found was within it. Yet it was taken so easily. Even though I thought it would last forever.

If my brother is there, I can't even meet Senpai. I don't know what he would say to me. This time, he might say it in front of both me and Senpai. He seemed to have made excuses once out of self-preservation, but if it happens a second time, even Senpai would surely notice. If I show myself, it's the end; I won't even be able to deceive him.

Then I won't be able to see Senpai ever again. I won't be able to return to Senpai’s mansion in the sunlight. Would I just be cooped up in the Matou mansion where insects, shadows, and negativity accumulate?

While I am being devoured by insects, would the person who was my sister take my place entirely and spend her time there?

Don't mock me. Who is to blame? I cannot forgive the cause. I don't think I can ever forgive it. That person who was my sister? That person who became my brother?

Then what will I do? If I make them both disappear, will everything be settled? Will I be able to spend happy times laughing with Senpai again?

No. If I did such a thing, Senpai above all would not forgive me. Senpai, who has dreamed of becoming a "Hero of Justice" since he was a child. Could a version of me who harmed others for my own selfish desires laugh with such a person?

And above all—I am so afraid that Senpai won't take my side. Because I love the Senpai who is pure, forever and always.

Ah—I see. I finally understood. There was nothing that could be done anymore.

Was it from the time my brother launched an attack on Senpai with Rider—?

Was it from the time it was decided that Tohsaka-senpai would stay at Senpai’s house—? 

Was it from the time Tohsaka-senpai decided to team up with Senpai—? 

Was it when I started going to Senpai’s house—? 

Was it when I saw Senpai doing the high jump in the schoolyard—? 

Was it when my brother forcibly attacked me—?

Was it when I was sent to the Matou as an adoptee—?

No. The fact that it was hopeless was surely from the moment I was born as this weak self, all along. If I were strong like my sister, this shouldn't have happened.

The world that had been colored has vanished. I can no longer see the Senpai who was in my world.

The person I truly hate isn't the person who was my sister, nor the person who became my brother. It was my helpless self and this hopeless world. The one who should disappear is this weak and filthy version of me.

In this hopeless world, my helpless self is no longer there. I am sitting alone in a dark, stagnant, and sickening world.

—my heart.