Chapter 5: At the Front Line

The defense outpost—though it’s questionable whether it can still even be called that—greeted us with a sight so horrific there were no words for it.

"U… ugh—bluuuuugh…!"

A filthy splatter echoed at my feet as I vomited. The perfectly clear image of that worst possible scene twisted out of focus as tears welled up and blurred everything.

I should have understood what war really was. I had the knowledge from my previous life—or so I thought. But what about reality? Could I have imagined this? No—correction. I could have imagined it. But somewhere deep inside, I threw away the possibility, convinced something like this would never actually happen.

Maybe I’d grown complacent. People in this world don’t get hurt by something like a handgun bullet, so I thought death was impossible. Even though I’d heard the rumors—someone died in some unit, someone went missing after being taken by debt collectors—I treated it like it had nothing to do with me, as if it were happening in another world entirely.

But when my comrade shielded me and blood poured from her stomach… and when I saw the utter ruin of what used to be this defensive base… only then did I finally accept the situation.
This reality.

People die.
And far, far too easily.

"…Tch. Minato, scout the area. Kou, gather whatever supplies are left. Mayu, stay with Aina. I’ll secure the outpost."

"Understood."

"…Yes."

"…"

I wiped the vomit from my mouth and began searching the remains of what had once been the defense outpost—now destroyed beyond any further ruin. We had to scavenge anything still usable while doing our best not to look at anything lying on the ground or slumped against the walls.

"…"

It was getting late. The sunset sinking behind the ruins was unpleasantly beautiful.

After searching all this time, what we found were a few bandages and medical supplies, a handful of bullets, and a bit of food. Most likely enemy soldiers—or someone in a situation like ours—had already picked the place clean. Almost all the supplies we were supposed to bring had been lost along with the armored personnel carrier, and even combining what little we recovered with what we had left, we’d be lucky to survive a few days.

The squad leader had probably already guessed the state of this base. She didn’t hit me.

"…Mayu."

"—! Stop!!!"

She slapped my hand away along with the canned food I offered. With a clatter-clatter, it rolled across the cracked asphalt and toppled over.

"A… n-no, I didn’t mean— I’m sorry…"

"…How’s Aina?"

"…She’s breathing."

Aina and Mayu. Energetic, lively Aina and gentle, older-sister-like Mayu. Since the time I joined this squad, the two were always together. According to their story, they’d survived together since childhood in that place that was basically a slum. They never joined other groups to exploit them, like I had. It had always been just the two of them.

Before joining the military, they stole and looted—anything but killing. Of course, people with that kind of past aren’t rare here. If anything, it’s the default. That’s why everyone here sees their comrades as family, irreplaceable. For me, that would be the squad I trained with, and Saori and the other two. Even if I don’t fully realize it myself.

And now, with the person she spent most of her life with on the verge of dying, Mayu was understandably unstable.

…This is my fault.

If only I’d been more alert. If only I hadn’t chosen that door.
…If only I had died instead of her saving me.

"…I’m sorry."

To me, they were just squad members. No matter how they saw me, I couldn’t feel anything deeper. No—out of fear of losing someone again, I’d pushed them away. So I couldn’t fully understand her grief. Her anxiety.

But even if not completely, I did know how painful and devastating it was. That’s why the guilt weighed on me like a crushing burden.

"…It’s fine. Aina chose to protect you. I want to respect her choice. I won’t blame you."

"…"

It would’ve been easier if she’d yelled or cursed me.
Her gentle smile, strained by the sadness she was holding back, squeezed at my heart.

"Minato, how’d it look?"

"No signs of anyone nearby. No enemy troops, no allied remnants. After a battle like this, even those scavengers who always show up afterward won’t come near this place for a while."

"Good. This will be our temporary base for now. If headquarters is still alive, we should get a radio transmission eventually. Until then, we wait."

"And if it doesn’t come?"

"Then we go back to being homeless."

Minato often talks with the squad leader—apparently she’s the most senior member here. She has real combat experience and acts as the de facto sub-leader. She looks stern and intimidating, but after training she always gives us sports drinks. She’s surprisingly kind. I like her.

"Mayu, how’s Aina?"

"…Her breathing is shallow. Heart rate’s still high. Her hands and feet are cold."

"I see."

A shadow crossed the squad leader’s normally mechanical expression.

"Squad Leader, Aina is…"

"Do what you can. You’re allowed to use the medical supplies. She’s my tool. I can’t have her breaking on me in a place like this. She should at least be able to serve as a shield one more time. But… unless a miracle happens."

"…I understand."

Silence settled over the group.

Since the day I joined the squad, the squad leader had always treated us like tools. I didn’t complain—no, I couldn’t complain. If we talked back, we’d get punched, and other squads were apparently no different. To her, we weren’t people; we were gear for her promotion. Garbage. That was my evaluation of her. That said, unlike other instructors who discarded tools the moment they dulled, she at least used her tools thoroughly to the end. In that sense—only that sense—she was “reliable.”

—But that night, I began to wonder if maybe… just maybe… I’d been wrong about her.

"Achoo."

The moon was uncomfortably beautiful that night.

Unable to sleep, I stepped outside the battered shack we were using as a temporary shelter to get some fresh air. After everything that happened, there was no way I could sleep.

But there was someone else already there. The overly bright moonlight illuminated her silhouette.

"—Even I… if only I had——damn it——then maybe…"

She was muttering. I couldn’t make out the words, but they were clearly not pleasant ones.

I crept closer, hiding behind rubble. The moment I saw who the large shadow belonged to, my body almost lurched back in pure reflex. That dirty, once-white coat.
The person I hated most—the squad leader.

"…Ah."

"—! Who’s there!?"

I managed not to scream, but I stepped on a piece of debris and made a sharp crack. She instantly spun around and pointed her gun at me. Our eyes met.

"…Kou. Why are you outside without permission?"

"Y-you’re outside too, Squad Leader…"

"I’m allowed."

"That’s… totally unfair…"

She lowered her gun but marched toward me with the same crushing presence as always.

"So. Did you hear it?"

"Huh?"

"I asked if you heard."

"H-heard what?"

"…Then never mind."

"What? Uh…?"

"Sit."

"Eh?"

"Just sit."

She forced me to sit beside her. The two of us alone under the clear moonlight—on paper, it would almost sound romantic, but facing her directly, all I felt was fear. Was this going to be the one-hour lecture course? Please, anything but violence.

"Don’t be so tense."

"Y-Yes, ma’am…"

"…About earlier today. My apologies."

"………………H-huh?"

"When I told you to ‘go die alone.’"

"Eh—ah, yes?"

"I blamed you in the heat of the moment, but a tool’s mistake is the responsibility of the user. What happened with Aina is my failure—because I failed to use all of you properly."

"T-That’s not… that’s not true…"

"I was the one who gave the orders. I’m the one who placed Aina at your side. Blame me. A tool like you bears no responsibility. You don’t need to agonize over it. You shouldn’t have the time for that—you’ve got other things to do."

"…Y-Yes."

…That’s not fair.
That’s too cruel.
If she says something like that, then what am I supposed to do with this crushing guilt? Really… why won’t anyone just blame me?

"…You’re not satisfied, are you?"

"…"

"I see. Then stay that way. Hold on to the guilt. Keep the regret with you."

"…Huh?"

"Regret it. Never forget it. Keep it tucked in the corner of your mind. So you never make the same mistake twice. So next time, you can save your comrades. I don’t throw away my tools after one mistake."

"…"

"Understood?"

"…Y-Yes."

With that, she reached out and roughly ruffled my hair with her big, calloused hand. She kept her eyes on the starry sky, refusing to look at me directly.

…Strange.
Was it… raining today?

"Tomorrow’s an early day. Go sleep."

After a while, once I came back to my senses, I quickly apologized to the captain and crawled into my bedding.
As I lay down, I remembered the last thing she said to me.

"…You. After all this is over—if we manage to escape this situation. Do you have something you want to do?"

"Eh? I—I never really… thought about that…"

"Thinking of a bright future is a good thing. Even in this shitty reality, dreaming matters."

"R-Right…"

"For me… let’s see. Strawberry crepes. Yeah. Strawberry crepes. Back when I managed to get ‘outside’ for a bit as a kid, I ate one once. I want to eat one again. …Ah, keep that a secret. If they find out I went ‘outside’ back then, even as a kid, it’ll get annoying."

…Maybe she’s a better person than I thought.
And her favorite food is surprisingly cute.