Chapter 89: A Bond from a Past Life

Late January, one winter afternoon when the air was so cold it felt as though it wrapped itself around the body.

"…………"

A quiet grassland where a cold, dry wind swept through. Aside from a few scattered trees and a single narrow path cutting across it, there was almost nothing—an all-too-familiar place.

I was visiting it again for the first time in about a year.

Perhaps because I had grown accustomed to the milder climate of the central region, the air here felt bitterly cold, enough to make me shiver. Beneath a cloudless blue sky, a sudden wave of dizziness washed over me, and I instinctively raised a hand to my forehead.

What is this? It’s freezing, and yet, at the same time…

"…Somehow…"

The man walking beside me noticed the voice that slipped out unconsciously.

"Somehow, what?"

"…Ah, who knows. I think I was about to say something, but I forgot."

"What kind of answer is that?"

He chuckled softly and resumed walking. I hurried after him.

The last time I had been here was March of last year. So… that would make this my second homecoming in ten months.

Those ten months had passed incredibly fast.

There were many fun moments, and a few painful ones too. But I swallowed those painful memories, accepted them, stepped over them—and made it here.

…And yet.

Everything had ended well. I was standing beyond a happy ending that had unfolded exactly as I’d hoped. So why… why was my heart racing like this?

"Wilm."

At the sound of my name, I looked up.

He had turned around a short distance ahead and was waiting for me.

"Let’s go. Your parents are waiting."

"…Yes."

Right. I had to go. I had to tell Dad and Mom about this past year.

I knew that.

And yet… my legs felt unbearably heavy.

---

On the edge of the chilly grassland stood a small, serene communal cemetery, steeped in stillness. Among the graves was a modest headstone where my parents, now long gone, rested.

Even though more than a year had passed since I—their only remaining family—had last visited, the grave was still well maintained. Just as promised, it seemed our relatives had been taking proper care of it.

I should be sure to thank them properly later.

"We’re here."

"…Yes."

After briefly meeting my trainer’s gaze, I stepped forward and knelt before the headstone.

Dad. Mom. It’s been a while.

It’s me—Hoshino Wilm. You might remember me better by a different name… but do you still remember me?

…The thought nearly made me smile bitterly.

I wonder—do they remember?

To them, I wasn’t exactly an enemy… but I certainly wasn’t someone close either. I was the detested existence that tore their family apart—someone it would be natural to resent.

…Even so, to me, they were the one and only parents I had in this world.

That was why I clasped my hands together in front of their grave.

But…

What should I talk about first?

Before I met Ayumu, my life had been dull beyond belief. Every day was just running in pursuit of strength. Nothing worth highlighting—just monotonous, unremarkable days spent facing forward.

But this past year was completely different.

So many things happened. There was so much color. I met so many people, ran alongside so many Uma Musume. It was busier, more fulfilling, and more fun than anything I’d experienced before.

Starting last spring…

I ran practice races with Nature and Teio and began to feel the heat of competition.

I fought Teio in the Satsuki Sho and the Derby, my spirit ignited by her talent.

I raced Sky-senpai in the Takarazuka Kinen, pushing myself so hard I nearly burned out—even as a reincarnated soul.

I was saved by Ayumu and came to know a wider world.

I broke a bone and desperately went through rehabilitation under my trainer’s guidance.

I barely made it in time for the Kikuka Sho, where I finally settled my first long-awaited score with Nature.

I faced my senior-class rival, McQueen-senpai, in the Japan Cup.

Ayumu was caught in a terrible accident and fell into a coma.

At the Arima Kinen, I ran the most scorching race imaginable with countless elite racers.

And even if only a little, I was able to help Ayumu…

Truly—really, truly—so many things happened.

So many that I didn’t even know where to begin.

…Maybe that’s why.

I’d come all this way to see my parents, and yet… no words would come.

What should I say?

How should I tell them?

What kind of report should I give Dad and Mom?

I didn’t know.

No, I did know. I knew I should do the same thing I always had, just like last year.

I knew that… and yet I couldn’t do it. My head wouldn’t work, and no words would come out.

…Last year, it wasn’t like this.

So why now—why was my heart trembling so much?

"…………"

Last year, all I did was report on the year, tell my trainer about my parents, and that was it. Nothing happened. I felt nothing. The freezing cold was the same as ever, and that was all.

So why now… why was I shaken like this?

I didn’t know.

My thoughts spun in place, and nothing made sense.

"Are you okay?"

A voice reached me.

I opened my eyes—I hadn’t even realized they were closed—and instinctively squinted at the brightness of the world.

…I took a brief breath in, then out.

Calm down. Just answer Ayumu normally.

"Trainer? Um… did you need something?"

If I say so myself, I thought I covered it perfectly. I’m good at acting. I was confident that what lay beneath the mask I wore wouldn’t be so easily seen through.

But…

"Don’t dodge it. I can tell when you’re shaken. …We’ve been together for over two years now."

…It seemed that wouldn’t work on Ayumu anymore.

The weight of all those years, I suppose.

It was troublesome that I couldn’t hide my true feelings—but… yeah, it also made me a little happy.

I briefly considered how to answer him properly, but since he’d already seen through me, there was no point in hiding it. Facing the grave, I let out a quiet breath.

"…I might not be okay.

I don’t really understand it myself, but ever since coming here… no, ever since coming to Hokkaido—actually, even earlier, since getting on the plane—my heart’s been unsettled."

That’s right.

Today, my mental state had been in turmoil.

From early this morning, when I headed to the airport with my trainer. When I looked down at the sky from the plane window. When we drove here in the rental car he was driving… and even now, as I faced my parents’ grave.

I couldn’t focus. My thoughts were scattered.

…To be honest, part of me even wanted to run away from here.

I didn’t know why this was happening. My head was a mess, and my thoughts refused to come together.

As I stared blankly at the weeds sprouting between the stones beneath my feet, wondering what to do…

"Wilm, don’t carry this alone."

"Eh?"

As he spoke, my trainer placed a hand on my head and ruffled my hair roughly.

"I’m not very good at picking up hints. If you don’t tell me clearly, I can’t share your feelings."

"…………"

"You’re the one who said it—let me carry the burden with you.

So let me carry your pain and worries too. Let me see the same world you do.

That’s my responsibility as your partner—and also what I want to do."

…What a devastating line.

I was left speechless, then let out a wry smile.

Ah. Right. I’d forgotten.

That’s the kind of person Ayumu is.

Over the past year—especially since the Derby—Ayumu had been unconsciously pushing himself to the brink, so that side of him often went unnoticed, but…

This man usually keeps a careful distance, yet the moment I weaken, he steps right in without hesitation.

I can’t help but sigh.

Honestly… what a sneaky person he is.

…But even if I’m supposed to share my feelings, there’s a problem.

To begin with, I can’t even organize those feelings myself.

"Even if you say that, my head’s a mess, and I don’t really understand it myself."

"Just let your thoughts spill out. Humans—no, Uma Musume too—often only manage to organize their thoughts by talking."

"Is… that so?"

Let my thoughts spill out. Just dump the mess in my head as it is.

To be honest, letting others see the deeper parts of me is scary. Even now, though I’ve started showing some of myself to people I trust, I’ve lived my life hiding who I am.

Making sure no one could read my thoughts. Making sure I never showed weakness. That’s how I survived until now.

So exposing my thoughts to someone else is frightening, but…

Still…

Right now, if it’s Ayumu… maybe that’s okay.

I let out a single breath and allow what I’m thinking to spill straight from my mouth.

"…I’ve just been feeling off. Ah—no, please don’t worry. It’s not that my running condition is bad.

It’s just… my heart feels all cloudy, I guess."

"Emotional instability?"

"Well, that phrasing’s a bit much… but maybe it’s not far off.

Just thinking about coming here makes my heart ache a little, like this dull, throbbing pain… I didn’t feel like this last year."

"…I see."

"I was saved by you, Ayumu… I’ve been running so much more happily than last year, and my feelings toward my dad and mom felt so much more settled—normal, even. Or at least, I thought they were… so why now?"

That’s right.

Compared to before, I’m far more put together now.

I’ve shaken off the curse-like words my father left me, drawn a line under the past, learned to enjoy running, and surrounded myself with friends, juniors, and adults I truly respect…

Right now, Hoshino Wilm is as fulfilled as she could possibly be.

And yet, here I am, suffering as if I’m still trapped in the past.

Why am I like this…?

As I struggled with that question, Ayumu spoke again—his voice carrying a faint, painful tenderness.

"…No. There’s nothing wrong with you."

"What?"

At those words, I instinctively lifted my face and turned toward him.

He walked over at an easy pace and crouched down beside me. His expression was calm and gentle, yet somehow tinged with loneliness.

Then, quietly, he spoke.

"There’s nothing strange about this, Wilm.

…There’s nothing strange about a middle school girl grieving the death of her parents."

"…………"

I try to say something in response—then fall silent.

Grieving.

Me… grieving my parents’ deaths?

"…Why now?"

My parents died a long time ago.

Mom and Dad both passed away long ago.

They died… and I can never see them again.

"…Ah."

A sharp ache stabs deep into my chest.

It hurts.

It’s painful, heartbreaking, sad—maybe all of those at once. I can’t even tell which feeling is which anymore.

But right now, my chest definitely hurts.

I barely manage to hold it back, but tears begin to pool in my eyes, my tear ducts threatening to give way.

…Ayumu is right.

I really am… only now grieving the fact that I lost them.

But why… why now?

"You… the you who avoided the past by focusing solely on running rebuilt your world by accepting it.

…That’s exactly why. Only now were you able to truly face the past and grieve your separation from your parents."

I… did?

……Ah. I see.

So that’s what it was.

I thought I had accepted it.

That my parents had died.

That it was my fault.

I thought I understood everything—accepted everything.

…But.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever truly grieved their deaths.

When Mom disappeared, I convinced myself I’d accepted it as a simple fact.

When Dad disappeared, I ran away into running and couldn’t face reality.

Not once did I cry over it… over the fact that my family was gone.

I kept telling myself, “That’s just how it is,” believing I’d accepted it, when in truth I’d never looked at reality at all.

"…This isn’t how it was supposed to be."

Without realizing it, the words spill from my mouth.

"I didn’t want to fight with my parents… I just wanted us to be close as a family, and yet things turned out like this… and on top of that, it’s all my fault."

If I had been an ordinary Uma Musume, none of this would have happened.

Mom wouldn’t have grown jealous of me, and Dad and I could have lived peacefully together.

I didn’t choose to destroy my family’s peace…

And yet, undeniably, it was my fault.

"I wanted to make up with Mom. I wanted Dad to look at me. I wanted the three of us to live peacefully together again, like we used to.

But now… that’s something I can’t even hope for anymore."

…Ah.

No good. I can’t hold it in.

My vision blurs. The outlines of the world warp, slowly collapsing toward the center before falling away.

It hurts.

My chest hurts. It hurts so much I want to claw at it—painful, unbearable.

The fact that there are things I lost because of myself, and that I can never get them back… it’s unbearable, frightening, painful.

"I can’t get it back. I can’t go back. Never—never again will I even be able to say ‘I’m sorry’ to them."

Hot droplets spill down in heavy drops, endlessly, unstoppable, splashing onto the stone below.

"I… I live in this world as an Uma Musume. A normal child, born into this world.

I’ve only just come to truly understand that recently… and that’s why… that’s why, finally—"

My strength drains away, and I sink down where I am.

Before the future I had taken from them, I quietly let my feelings spill out.

"So… I was finally able to grieve. The deaths of my precious family… the people who gave birth to me."

By becoming an Uma Musume true to myself, by becoming a resident of this world, I finally became able to cry like a normal person.

It was incredibly—painfully—hard… but maybe this, too, meant I had taken a step forward.

"…My mother was a sickly Uma Musume. She was always in bed, smiling faintly and apologetically, like she might vanish at any moment.

After I started running, she began to ignore me, but… when I was a baby, she would slowly read picture books to me and talk cheerfully with me. She was a gentle mother."

Seeing my potential as a reincarnated soul, she felt the gap between us and let jealousy take root in her heart. Her own inferiority complex—being unable to run properly—was stirred, throwing her mental balance into chaos.

…I know this, because in my previous life I made it all the way through university.

Adults aren’t special beings. They aren’t saints, invincible heroes, or magicians. They’re just ordinary humans—or Uma Musume—who’ve accumulated life experience.

That’s why they can feel jealousy. That’s why their hearts can break.

What happened to my mother was tragic… but perhaps it was also an inevitable outcome. Once I was born as her daughter, it was something that couldn’t be avoided.

"…My father was a serious man. He always went to work for my mother’s sake and supported our family.

After Mom was gone, he shut himself away, but… before that, he would quietly listen to me talk and sometimes smile. He was a gentle father."

Now, I can imagine my father’s feelings—at least a little.

If the person you love can’t love her own child, falls mentally ill… and then dies—

I’m sure I’d be utterly shattered too.

I’d clutch my head, asking why this happened, and shut myself away.

That, too, isn’t something you can blame him for.

It was a tragic accident born of circumstance.

…And yet.

All of it was caused by me.

My mother falling into madness. My father being unable to face reality. All of it.

"I hurt people like that… and that’s why—because of that—I should have apologized. I wanted to apologize…!"

My words fall apart.

My heart is in pieces now… I can’t even string sentences together properly anymore.

The fact that this is something I can never recover, something utterly beyond saving… it hurts too much.

…………Ah.

I finally understand.

This is what Ayumu once felt.

The realization that someone died because of you… that you can never apologize, never atone, never get it back.

I’m not as earnest as Ayumu. I don’t strive to live virtuously, and I don’t think I can live for someone else’s sake.

And I didn’t face this truth back when I was still an elementary schooler with no emotional leeway. Including my previous life, I have far more mental breathing room now.

…And yet.

And yet, it hurts this much.

I can’t get it back.

Never again… it’s absolutely, hopelessly gone forever.

That’s what’s unbearable, painful, terrifying, crushing, and heartbreaking.

"If I… if I hadn’t been born, then the two of them…!"

The moment I was about to cry out—

Warmth enveloped my body.

"…………Eh?"

"Wilm… that’s enough now."

Ayumu… was holding me from behind, embracing me as I braced myself against the ground.

As I blinked in shock at the unexpected turn of events, he gently helped me up…

Then wrapped his arms around my neck again, holding me loosely, yet firmly.

…Eh.

Ah—eh? W-wait, no, um—huh?

H-holding me…? A hug? This? Why?

"You did nothing wrong. There’s no sin in being born strong."

"No, that’s not—!"

"It is."

When I reflexively tried to argue back, his arms tightened slightly.

U-ugh, hey—that’s not fair…

His face was close. His scent was strong. And—and the warmth of his body…

This is bad. My head’s about to boil over…!

"Wilm."

"W-what is it…?"

"Thank you for being born."

At those words, my overheated thoughts were wiped completely white.

"…Ayumu."

I choke on the name.

I don’t know what to say… all I can feel is the warmth of his words slowly spreading through my heart.

When all I could do was call his name, he tightened his arms around me.

"I’m glad I met you. I was saved by your existence. I truly believe it was a good thing that you were born.

…And I’m not the only one who feels that way.

Bourbon, Masa, Nature, Teio, their trainers, Tazuna-san, Director Akikawa, and all the fans who’ve been captivated by your running—every single one of them is glad they met you. They love you.

Don’t forget it. There are more people in this world than you could ever count who are glad you’re here. Your existence has created countless moments of happiness."

…Why would you say something like that?

"Why… why is it only at times like this that you suddenly become so articulate, Ayumu?"

"Only at times like this? That’s a bit rude… though I admit I’m not great with words.

But I’m not heartless enough to stay silent when my trainee—no, when you—are making that kind of face."

…Unfair.

He really is unfair.

Normally he’s hopeless at communication, but at moments like this—only when I’m cornered—he always says exactly what I want to hear.

He gives me warmth and reassurance without holding anything back.

…Now that I think about it, I guess he was the one I was drawn to first.

Back when running still felt like an obligation, back when I shivered in the coldness of the world, he gave me warmth… and I fell for him so completely, it was uncontrollable.

"…Ah, geez."

Once again, he had saved me.

Whenever I’m weak, this person always… always, no matter how many times, comes to my aid.

"Really… you like me way too much, don’t you, Ayumu."

"Well, yeah. I think you’re the person I love the most in the world."

"!?!"

Ah—no, wait! No, that’s not it! I know! This isn’t that!

This is just him liking me as his trainee Uma Musume, that’s all! Not… romantically! I understand! I won’t misinterpret it, okay!?

Blushing at my own frantic thoughts, I realized Ayumu… quietly muttered while still holding me.

"…Besides, it’s probably not completely hopeless."

"Huh…?"

He loosened his grip just a little, looked me in the eye, and said:

"Wilm. Do you believe in reincarnation?"

…………

My heart jumped again… how many times had it done so today already?

Reincarnation.

…Of course I believe in it. I’d have to. I’m a reincarnated Uma Musume. I came from another world—one not this. I know better than anyone that reincarnation truly exists.

But why… why bring it up now?

I don’t understand.

"I—I wouldn’t say I don’t believe… but…"

Honestly, I couldn’t even hide my unease properly.

My heart had been shaken too violently, too suddenly. I couldn’t even act naturally anymore…

But luckily, Ayumu didn’t seem to notice and continued speaking.

"I see… I believe in it. Even if we lose our memories, we have past lives. And after death, there are future lives too."

"That’s… a bit unexpected, actually."

"Is it?"

"I always thought you were more of a rational type… believing in something illogical like that…"

"Ah… yeah. I guess it’s not very ‘me’."

Ayumu scratched his head and went on.

"Anyway, I believe in reincarnation. Beyond logic, humans get another chance.

So… there’s no need to give up hope. You’ll have another opportunity."

"Another… opportunity for what?"

"To make amends.

…Sure, in this life it’s impossible. Death is an absolute separation. It can’t be undone.

But… when you’re reborn, you might one day meet the people who were once your parents again. And maybe then, you can build a peaceful relationship.

…Or by that time, you might not remember any of it at all."

"That’s…"

It’s an idealistic thought.

Maybe I’ll be reincarnated.

Maybe I’ll meet the people who were once my parents.

Maybe this time, I can finally have a peaceful relationship with them.

Maybe, maybe, maybe…

It’s all just hypothetical hopes stacked on top of one another.

If I hadn’t experienced reincarnation myself, I probably couldn’t have believed such a dreamlike idea.

"Even after death, there’s hope… that’s what you mean."

"Yeah. I believe that."

"…Truly?"

"I sincerely hope so."

That is…

"Ayumu, you…"

Ah. I see now. I get it.

He has truly let go.

I don’t know what happened inside him.

I don’t know the path he walked to reach this point.

But he… he’s already overcome the past.

All that pain, all that suffering… somehow, some way, he put it to rest.

…I can’t lose either.

Ayumu worked hard too. I have to keep moving forward.

I need to accept this grief—and then go even further.

But… maybe just for now, I can pause and rest, Ayumu.

Hugging him tighter so he wouldn’t see the tears streaming down my face, I whispered:

"…Can I just cry a little more? After that, I promise, I’ll keep going."

"Yeah. As much as you need, until you’re okay."

"Thank you… Ayumu."

For the next five minutes, I borrowed the warmth of his chest…

…until embarrassment finally crept in, and I blushed, wrapped in his warmth.

---

Even now… are you watching, Mom? Dad?

I wonder… maybe you’ve already reincarnated. Maybe you’ve forgotten me.

But if you are watching… please don’t worry.

I met someone truly wonderful.

Someone who might be the only person in the world who truly understands me.

Please… wait just a little longer until I come to you.

I will live fully in this world, as an Uma Musume, until the very end.

No matter the hardships or struggles ahead, I will live this life to its fullest.

…So.

Maybe it’s okay to hold hope.

Maybe it’s okay to wish that one day, I can finally have a happy relationship with you two.

And if one more wish could come true…

I hope I might meet, somewhere in this world, people from the world I used to know.

They wouldn’t remember me, and they might not even realize it if we met…

There’s no way to prove someone is a reincarnated soul.

Unless there’s someone else who, like me, retained memories through reincarnation, this wish probably can’t come true.

But still… it’s a hope I want to hold.