Chapter 12: Finally, I Take a Step Forward

“...So, did you have some business with me (boku)?”

“「Me (boku)...?」”

“...Ah.”

Right now, I was facing the greatest crisis I had encountered since being born into this body. Standing before me were the two members of the Service Club, their faces clouded with suspicion at my choice of words.

“Ah, no... that is, I... I mean, no! That bo— I (watashi)...”

My head continued to throb painfully in the back, making it impossible to process my thoughts. I had let something unnecessary slip again, only adding to my agitation.

The agitation and shame of having a secret known—a secret that I didn't want known, a secret that must not be known—overwhelmed me. My sluggish brain was completely dominated by these intense emotions.

My face felt hot. I couldn't bring myself to look either of them in the eye.

“...Yukinon, calm down.”

I was being gently admonished by Yuigahama-san, who usually carried a much more childish impression.

Her words helped me regain a sliver of sanity, and I took a deep breath.

As I inhaled, I managed to pull my mask back on. The mask, the outer shell, known as Yukino Yukinoshita.

Having regained my "perfect" composure, I put on a sharp expression and tilted my head slightly.

“So, did you have some business with me (watashi)?”

“There’s no way you can play that off now...”

Hikigaya-kun spoke heartlessly, his face full of exasperation.

When I looked toward Yuigahama-san for help, she had the eyes of a mother watching over her own child.

“It was cute, so isn't it fine?”

“Ugh...”

Her kind eyes were painful...

“That, I...”

“...”

“Uuugh... What is it?! What do you want?! Did you need something from me (boku) or not?!”

No longer knowing what to do, I simply snapped.

Without the outer shell of "Yukino Yukinoshita," I had absolutely no idea how to behave in front of them.

Hearing my desperate outburst, Yuigahama-san broke the silence as if she were finally satisfied.

“Well, Yukinon, you suddenly skipped school today. I was worried about whether you were feeling okay, so I came over.”

“It’s not a problem. I’m fine.”

"After seeing that pathetic display just now, how can you expect us to think you’re 'fine'…?"

I glared at Hikigaya-kun for his unnecessary comment. However, unlike usual, he didn't seem the least bit fazed by my gaze.

“You hid it well, but it’s been obvious lately that you were wearing yourself out.”

“...I see. So you noticed.”

I see. Even though I had tried so hard to maintain my outward appearance, he saw right through it.

“...Hikki, if you knew, why didn't you help her? I asked you to, didn't I?”

Yuigahama-san spoke to Hikigaya-kun with a hint of anger. Seeing her act so uncharacteristically, I could see a flash of agitation in Hikigaya-kun.

But she was wrong.

"No. …That’s not right, Yuigahama-san. Hikigaya-kun has nothing to do with the Executive Committee, and he wasn't in a position to do anything…"

“But even so, you didn't have to shoulder everything yourself, did you, Yukinon? ...You look really unwell today.”

It seemed my bravado hadn't worked on Yuigahama-san either.

"But, I (Boku) have to be the one to do it.”

“Why?”

Yuigahama-san questioned me without a moment's hesitation. Her expression was serious, as if she wouldn't permit any lies or evasions.

Drawn in by her intensity, I let my true feelings spill out. They just… came out.

"—Because! Because I am Yukino Yukinoshita! I’m not allowed to be weak! The one that is needed is the 'perfect' me (Watashi)! For the sake of everyone I admired! That was absolutely necessary!"

After shouting from pure emotion, I took a deep breath to steady my ragged breathing.

As my head cooled, a wave of intense regret washed over me. Ah... what on earth am I saying?

However, even after seeing my outburst, Yuigahama-san didn't falter. She quietly wove her words together.

“...I don't really understand what you're saying, or specifically what it is you're so hung up on. But I can really feel that you mean it from the bottom of your heart. —But, you know, Yukinon... I think it’s okay for you to just be yourself.”

“...Just... myself?”

It was far too late for that. It would have been easy to say so, but looking at Yuigahama-san’s serious face, I felt that words alone wouldn't be enough.

“...To be honest, I don't even know what 'myself' is anymore, or what my true feelings are... or what is genuine. The ideal I want to be—the outer shell—has already become a part of me. I no longer know what the 'real me' was like.”

The boundary between my true self and my fabricated self was blurry; perhaps it didn't even exist. Perhaps there was nothing "genuine" about me, since I was a fake from the very beginning.

But.

“But, if you say so, Yuigahama-san… then maybe, just a little... instead of the 'me' (watashi) trying to be perfect, I hope I can show the 'ordinary me' (boku) too.”

I forced a smile as I squeezed out the best words I could manage. It must have looked awkward. My cheeks were stiff with anxiety, and my lips only curved slightly. It was a smile of my own—different from the "Yukino Yukinoshita" smile I had practiced in front of the mirror.

“...Yeah, I'll be waiting!”

Yuigahama-san smiled far more beautifully than I ever could.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hikigaya-kun, who had been watching the scene, give a fleeting, satisfied grin.

“...But I don't really understand the Cultural Festival Executive Committee stuff, so I can't help Yukinon very well. Ah, if I’d known it would be like this, I should have joined the committee too.”

Yuigahama-san said regretfully. As always, she was a girl who was kind to a fault.

“Oh, in that case, I have an idea.”

Hikigaya-kun spoke suggestively and gave a nihilistic smile. That expression was so very him that I stared at him blankly for a moment.

“Now, let us begin the committee meeting. The agenda is the slogan for the Cultural Festival.”

In the end, I stayed home for one more day after that. Where the "real" Yukino Yukinoshita would have rested for one day, I took two. I suppose that was the limit of an "ordinary person." But I didn't feel the same impatience as before. Yuigahama-san, and Hikigaya-kun, had accepted me even as a mere "me." That fact remained in my heart as hope, leaving me with a warm feeling.

“How about something like this? 'Human: A Cultural Festival where, if you look closely, one side is taking it easy.'”

“Well, they say the kanji for 'human' (人) is made of two people supporting each other, but in reality, one side is clearly leaning on the other. I thought that perfectly described the state of this committee, which is built upon sacrifice.”

Following Hikigaya-kun’s shocking statement, the air in the meeting room froze. He wore a cynical smile, looking for all the world like a villain. Sagami-san, who had been insulted directly, had cheeks twitching with rage.

However, thanks to that statement, I was able to move the committee forward effectively.

“Sagami-san, let’s adjourn today’s meeting. I don't believe any good ideas will come out of this now anyway. Let everyone think of a slogan on their own. If everyone participates starting tomorrow, we can make up for this delay. —I assume there are no objections.”

Because Hikigaya-kun played the heel, I was able to tighten the loose atmosphere of the committee.

But because of this, Hikigaya-kun had become the pariah. As the meeting ended and people stood up to leave, I heard one person after another whispering slanders about him.

...Since I knew this would happen and didn't stop it, I really am a horrible person.

However, there was one student who approached Hikigaya-kun while everyone else kept their distance. It was Shiromeguri-senpai.

“I’m disappointed. I thought you were a hardworking student.”

Her usual fluffy atmosphere was gone; Shiromeguri-senpai spoke to Hikigaya-kun with genuine disappointment.

Hikigaya-kun, who had remained unfazed by all the other insults hurled at him, looked down slightly only at that moment.

...If it's just this much, maybe I'll be forgiven.

“Shiromeguri-senpai, I believe Hikigaya-kun did that out of consideration for the committee.”

“...Yukinoshita-san?”

Hearing my words, Shiromeguri-senpai’s eyes widened in surprise.

"If the atmosphere had stayed as it was, the committee would never have functioned properly. But his statement just now changed that. If he, having become the enemy of this group, mocks those who aren't working hard, then everyone is forced to work hard. In a sense, he fulfilled the role of a clear enemy—something that unites a group even more effectively than a great leader."

They were words that might not feel real given the current situation, but I wondered if Shiromeguri-senpai understood. As I watched her, she eventually spoke slowly with a troubled expression.

“...Even so, I don't think he had to do it that way.”

“Senpai—”

“But I kind of get that Hikigaya-kun didn't say that without thinking. ...So, my words just now were a bit thoughtless. Sorry.”

With that, Shiromeguri-senpai walked briskly out of the meeting room. Before I knew it, only Hikigaya-kun and I were left.

Hikigaya-kun, who had been following Senpai’s back with his eyes, spoke up once the door had closed.

“...You didn't need to say all that.”

“About Senpai? You don't need to worry about it.”

I averted my eyes. I stared into the empty air as I answered. I had a feeling he wouldn't be pleased with what I’d done. But I did it anyway.

“I don't need pity or charity.”

“It’s nothing like that. It’s just... I am grateful to you.”

“There’s nothing to be grateful for. That was something I did on my own.”

“No. Even so, I will say it.”

I turned my wandering gaze toward Hikigaya-kun’s dark eyes. Even looking into those eyes that seemed to see through everything, I wasn't afraid now.

“—Thank you for helping me (boku).”