Chapter 53: IF End: The Waste Collector, Miho-san

Route Requirement:

It's not exactly a route, but more to the epilogue of chapter 48, about what happened after Satoshi finds out Hikari's true nature.

IF End: The Waste Collector, Miho-san

With my true nature exposed by Satoshi-kun and all my hard work ruined, I suddenly found myself standing alone in my house.

It seems Satoshi-kun had weighed up everything I'd done and all the failed attempts he'd made, and had made the bold decision to just throw me away.

Of course, anyone with a sane mind wouldn't want to be with someone who tries to ruin their life if they were to keep them close.

Of course. I'd do the same.

So, in my head, I understood it. That I deserved to be dumped, that it would be better for Satoshi-kun if he moved away from me, that I'd used up all the merits I'd earned from my reincarnation and now that those close to me knew my true nature, I couldn't even start looking for new talents. Even after understanding all of this, I decided it couldn't be helped.

I can't say I have no regrets though. 

It's true, just like they taught me, I loved having my efforts go to waste. Losing the biggest gamble of my life felt so good that my memories of the moment immediately after were hazy for a while. But the reason it ended up like that was because I was so serious about it, and it was frustrating. I certainly wanted to see it through.

But at the same time, I'm also glad that they stopped me. I didn't ruin someone's life because of my fetish and my ego. It may be a little late to say it's over, but I avoided doing anything decisive. And it's an undeniable fact that I feel relieved about that.

I'm glad that Satoshi-kun, who had worked so hard for it, had his life protected.

I'm sure this feeling isn't a lie.

...What?

It seems that even though I've been toying with other people's lives to do what I wanted, I still have a heart like any other person. It seems I've grown fond of Satoshi-kun, who I've lived with for so long. I seem to be relieved that his life has been protected. I feel ashamed of myself for not even fully understanding my own fetish, or even my own feelings.

And so, just when I'd finally managed to settle my emotions, I started to worry about the two of them.  

I'm talking about Miho-san and Tomohiro-kun, who knew a side of me I didn't know, and who, in order to teach me that side of myself, gave me a present that they themselves said was for my own good, a complete revelation of my true nature.

I don't understand how these two knew about my fetish.

I'm not bragging, but I've always behaved like a daughter that Mama would be proud of, and the fact is that I've gotten this far without my family or Satoshi-kun knowing.

...You're saying that sloshing around with talent is something Mama would be ashamed of? Shut up, that's not what we're talking about right now. Can't you read the room?

I just couldn't accept this, and it racked my brain for a while. I thought about it intently, and the sky changed color several times, as if I was watching a time-lapse.

The next thing I knew, I was lying in bed, my eyes locked with Miho-san, who was peeling an apple with a smile on her face. 

"Hikari has always had the habit of losing sight of her surroundings when she concentrates. I figured she'd collapse again, so I borrowed the key."

"He is such a jerk who would abandon Hikari just because he found out what she was like, but I have to admire his honesty," said Miho-san.

Could this 'jerk' be referring to Satoshi-kun?

From my perspective, it was a perfectly reasonable and sensible decision, but Miho-san, with her eyes clouded, seemed to see it differently.

Or rather, she'd obviously figured out my behavioral patterns...

I thought, feeling a chill run down my spine.

Now that she'd figured out my hobbies and preferences, I accepted it as too late. I'd given up on the idea that her behavior was, at best, a pushy wife, and at worst, a stalker.

People's behavior and way of thinking don't change that easily. If you get a divine revelation like me, you can change all the time, but the average person doesn't get a divine revelation that often. And Miho-san's stalker-like nature and the complications it causes started even before she was reborn. If that wasn't the case, there's no way she would have been with me after what she'd been through.

Thinking this through and coming to terms with it, I immediately noticed something strange about my own thinking.

As far as I know, there have only been two occasions when I abandoned Miho-san: when I was a gigolo in my previous life, and when I said, "I want to have children, so I'm breaking up with you..." And neither of those were things that would make Miho-san think that way about me.

The thought kept bothering me. I felt like I'd forgotten something important, something big. My memory was so amazing, yet I'd forgotten something.

I wanted to laugh it off and say there was no way that could happen, but when I saw Miho-san's eyes peering into my eyes as if she were seeing right through me, I couldn't help but think about it.

"...Are you starting to remember now? Or are you really not able to remember? Do you hate even thinking about me?"

"If that's the case, I'll be hurt," Miho-san muttered in a low voice. Her face was cute, but the air was scary. And I knew this scary air, too.

I should have known, but the words just barely came out. That sickening feeling of having them rise up to the root of my tongue but not being able to come out.

These things come out when you put too much force into them. But physically putting too much force into them would be a stupid thing to do; it's something I would never do under normal circumstances, but unfortunately, my brain was boiling from all the pleasure Miho-san and Tomohiro-kun had given me. It also absorbed a lot of water, becoming softer and less wrinkled. Wrinkles on the head are a sign of intelligence, so what happens when they disappear? You become stupid.

"...Ouch!"

I shook my head vigorously, and Miho-san's forehead, right in front of me, met mine. It was a dekochu, I guess. A little too forcefully, though.

We both held our heads in our hands, our voices not sounding the least bit coquettish. I slowly regained my composure, feeling as though stars were twinkling above my head, and I began to question my own actions. Why on earth had I done something so nonsensical?

I thought about it for a bit but couldn't figure out the reason, but instead I came to understand two things.

One was that hitting old appliances to fix them was both rational and useful to people, and the other was something that my former self, my past life, had done to the girl who would become Miho-san.

The last memory I had was destroying with my own hands a work I'd poured my life into, and then feeling nothing at all when I saw the public's reaction. I had no memory of anything after that, and I couldn't even remember how my life ended.

But it seems, from what I've just recalled, I continued to live on for a long time after that last memory. Even after ruining my life as a woodworker and artist, I continued to live and search for something valuable.

After thinking and thinking, and doing everything I had to do, I finally came to the realization that perhaps it's not things that are valuable, but people.

This was the same epiphany I had right after I was reborn. Or, to be more precise, it probably wasn't an epiphany at all, but a remnant of my former self.

Well, that doesn't matter now. There's nothing to be gained by rambling on about something that happened 20 years ago.

What's important, if anything, isn't the misunderstanding I had in my new life, but the end of my former self; or, more precisely, how my former self acted after realizing the wonderful truth.

This doesn't particularly surprise me, but I tried to end with my own hands the person most important to me: the past Miho-san.

She knew me better than anyone, loved me more than anyone, and was someone so precious that neither money nor my work could replace her. And just as I tried to strangle her with my own hands... I received a fierce headbutt.

As I expressed my gratitude, love, and apologies for all the times, I leaned closer to her and strangled her. Filled with a sense of superiority, guilt, and twisted excitement that I was able to end the person I loved with my own hands, I strangled her as she headbutted me, asking what I had done.

Coincidentally, this was the exact opposite of the relationship between Miho-san and me from just a moment ago.

And then I received a lecture.

She said that if I was going to strangle her, I should do so only after I'd exhausted all my other options.

There was still so much I wanted to do with her, so much I wanted to show her, so I should do it all and maximize her value to me before I strangled her. 

That was the least I could do to show my sincerity.

And so, convinced by her advice, I did all sorts of things with my ex-wife. I did all sorts of things, and learned all sorts of things. And so, after learning all sorts of things, I got to know almost everything about her, and then I strangled her.

I got her permission, believing that what I was looking for lay beyond that, but in the end, I got nothing.

All I gained at the cost of her life was an unbearable sense of guilt. I could have ended up with a criminal record and a conviction, but that was just a bonus.

What I would have gained without her wouldn't have been worth much.

"...Have you finally remembered? What I did for you. What you did to me. Don't you think it's unforgivable that you don't remember anything after all that?"

Miho-san said this while still clutching her head in pain, peering at me.

It was a little scary how she could read my mind so easily, but if she had such a past, it made sense that she could read my actions, and why she didn't tell me about it until I remembered.

"If you've remembered, there must be something you need to tell me. There must be something you need to report to me.... I can kind of imagine it, but I want to hear it from you. I want to know it in your own words.... Was my life, my journey, of any use to you? Did it fulfill your wishes?"

The only answer I could give to that question was "No."

What I gained from my actions was undoubtedly not worth her life. I had wasted hers.

So, once things got this way, this ending was surely inevitable.

The moment I lost to Miho-san, this was the only way I could take responsibility.

"Hey, Hikari. I want to be happy this time. It doesn't have to be something glorious. I just want some warm, comforting, small happiness. Being able to be with someone I care about, laughing with someone I care about, and being happy enough to make you happy too is all I want."

When she says that, I feel weak.

I've always felt guilty about Miho-ssn, I have my own thoughts about her, and I want her to be happy, so I can't say no to her words.

"...If you don't mind, would you be with me again? I think I need you."

I'm sure if I say this, Miho-san will stay with me. No matter what I'm thinking inside, no matter what I'm thinking about her, she'll stay with me.

So it's possible for me to pretend to be connected to her with just lip service.

Putting aside the question of whether I needed to do such a thing, it wasn't like I couldn't ruin Miho-san's life again at the end of our peaceful life.

"I'll do everything in my power to make you happy. This time, I'll help you find happiness you won't regret."

But strangely, I just couldn't bring myself to do so.

Is it because I'd already ruined Miho-san's life once, and knew how brilliant it was? Or is it that, as an artist, I'm reluctant to create the same thing twice?

...No, it's probably not like that.

It's something much simpler and more straightforward.

I wanted to repay her for giving up her life for me, not once, but twice.

I wanted to return that great love with the same love. 

That's all there is to it.

[Miho-san Route: END]

A Certain Woodworker

He thought he'd accomplished what he was supposed to do, but he felt no sense of accomplishment.

He went crazy and tried to strangle the person he loved, but that person snapped, "You can kill me, but you have to increase my value! I'm not that cheap!" 

He understand why she got mad. If he did the same thing without maximizing her value, he would have gained nothing. He's the type who can't jack off to his favorite idol because he feels too guilty.

Common Fetish-chan

The fact that she got nothing was so shocking that she accidentally lost track of her common sense. She's thinking, "If I ask Satoshi-kun, maybe we can have a baby together?" She apologized a lot, and she'll be made to apologize a lot more.

Wife-chan

After doing everything she wanted to do with the person she loved, she's kind of happy that he even demands her life.

"My only regret in life is... I kind of wish we had children."

Miho-san

She's not the kind of woman who'd change her mind just because someone almost killed her.

She was a little angry and sulky when Hikari didn't remember her end. If they weren't the same sex, she would have made Hikari a mother the moment she realized her true identity.

But Hikari's happiness is the most important thing. In a way, she is also a Monster.