Chapter 11: One cm wall
December 23rdāthe final week of Advent.
The city pulsed with restless energy. Excited voices filled the air as people made last-minute plans for tomorrow, while others, watching from the sidelines with envy, could only shed silent regrets.
Today also marked the beginning of winter vacation.
Thinking about how, for various reasons, only a quarter of my first year of high school remained, I couldnāt shake the feeling that time was slipping through my fingersĀ away too fast.
āHey, itās fine, isnāt it?ā
āAbsolutely not.ā
āStingy. Idiot. Coward.ā
āThatās not even relevant.ā
And so, amidst the festive chaos, I found myself locked in a fierce negotiation.
A sleepover.
I was trying to convince Ren to let me stay at his place tomorrow.
My parents were already on boardāI had told them I might spend the night at a friendās house. Even my grandfather would probably allow it.
The only obstacle left?
Ren himself.
For some reason, he always refused sleepovers. I, on the other hand, had secretly longed to experience one at a friendās house, and his constant rejection always left me frustrated. But now that winter vacation had finally begun, I was determined to change his mind.
āYouāre going to be alone on Christmas anyway, right? Shouldnāt you be grateful that such a cute childhood friend is willing to keep you company?ā
āI-Iām not going to be alone on Christmas! And wait, are you seriously praising yourself like that?ā
āHmph. Actually, Iām quite in demand, you know? You should savor the good fortune of having me as your childhood friend.ā
Renās lips curled into a knowing smirk.
āOh? The same guy who once went, āWeāre friends, rightā¦?ā with teary eyes is acting all high and mighty now?ā
āTh-thatās something a man doesnāt bring up! Whereās your sense of delicacy?!ā
That was a dark history Iād rather forget. Why did I even say something like thatā¦? Was I unstable at the time? Losing my mind?
Feeling my face heat up from embarrassment, I did the only thing I couldāI repeatedly kicked Renās shin in protest.
āI-I know a lot of embarrassing things about you, Ren! You sure you wanna provoke me?ā
āOh? Like what?ā
āā¦Tentacle lover. Unusual fetish.ā
Ren, who had just taken a sip of juice, immediately choked, coughing violently. Seeing his face contort in panic, I smirked, savoring my victory.
āCough! Ugh⦠Quit making up baseless slander!ā
āOh, please. I know youāve been watching nothing but weird-genre videos, you pervert.ā
āI have absolutely no idea what youāre talking about. You must be mistaking me for someone else.ā
Ren rattled on without pausing for breath.
"Youāre talking super fast, thatās hilarious."
"Shut up. But okay, hypothetically speakingājust hypotheticallyāeven in a million-to-one chance, no, a billion-to-one chance, this is purely theoretical. Something that doesnāt even exist. But if it did, how the hell would you even know about my preferences?"
"Because weāre childhood friends."
"You just think you can get away with saying that, donāt you?"
Ren shot me a half-lidded glare, clearly unimpressed. In response, I put on a deliberately mysterious expression.
"You really want to knowā¦? You sure? Youāll probably regret it later."
"Yeah, Iām already getting a bad feeling about this⦠Never mind, donāt say it."
Ren backed off immediately, letting out a deep sigh as he rubbed his temples, his head hanging low. I couldnāt see his expression, but from his slumped posture, I was pretty sure I had won this round.
"So, you really want to stay over that badly?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Why? Well⦠because that kind of thing is exciting, right? Staying over at a friendās house, playing games until late at night."
"Well⦠itās not like I donāt get it."
Alright, it's time to launch the attack. I lower my voice, making it sound as sad as possible, and my expression turns gloomy as I drop my gaze.
"Ren⦠do you really hate it that much? Me staying overā¦"
"Ugh, stop making that face. If you look that sad, it really gets to me."
"If you really donāt want me to, then⦠yeah, Iāll just give up. Sorryā¦"
Sighā¦
As expected, kind-hearted Ren winces, his expression shifting to pure guilt as he struggles to ignore my āsuper sad beautiful girlā act. He lets out another deep sigh, rubbing his temples, before finally raising his hands in surrender.
"Alright, alright! But just this once. You already told your family, right? We still need my dadās permission first."
"Really? Youāre really okay with it? Yes! Big win!! ā¦Man, youāre too easy."
"Youā!"
"Your dadās still on the first floor, right? Iāll go ask him!"
Smirking triumphantly, I dashed out of the room before Ren could retaliate, racing to get the final approval from his father.
After that, Sumire easily got permission from his father and came back. Seeing her beaming smile, even the will to complain about earlier completely vanished.
Is there really a man who could ruin the mood of someone looking this happy?
Itās not like I dislike the idea of her staying over. There's no way I dislike itāof course, I'm happy.
But I just donāt know how well my self-control will hold out, and thatās why Iāve stubbornly refused until now.
But after seeing Sumire looking that sad, all of those worries just stopped mattering.
I ended up giving in on impulse.
I wonder if I can really endure this...
If I donāt endure with a will of steel, Iāll probably end up putting an end to this relationship thatās lasted for thirteen years.
With this, Iām okay if it ends... So, I might go wild and give everything Iāve got!! There's a great possibility Iāll lose control and act impulsively. I mean, itās probably going to happen. High school boys just canāt resist whatās down there.
Maybe I should do some meditation today to prepare for tomorrow... I should mentally center myself while I still can.
December 24th. A special day for many.
For Christians, for ordinary couples, and even for those celebrating the rebirth of the sun in their own way. So many people attached meaning to this day.
And somehow, it felt like it might become just a little special for us, too.
āWow, theyāre having a Christmas party together. I saw them talking about it in the class group.ā
āOh? So youāre glad you didnāt go?ā
āYou say that like itās someone elseās problem. Youāre in the same class too.ā
āThe class LINE notifications are annoying. I donāt really check them.ā
āI see. Well, I already declined the invite. Told them I had a family party. A lie, but whatever.ā
āEh⦠is that really okay?ā
āIām not good with crowds⦠Besides, I did promise to save you from spending Christmas alone today.ā
āā¦Shut up.ā
āThat aside, a Christmas party, huh? Itās still Christmas Eve, but having a party already feels weird. Advent is supposed to be a time for fasting and self-discipline, you know?ā
āWow, first time Iām hearing that.ā
Even though we called it a sleepover, we werenāt doing anything special. Just lounging around, exchanging the same silly conversations we always did.
And honestly? That suited us best.
Iāve never been the type to enjoy big parties, noisy gatherings, or walking through crowds just to see some illuminations.
But I wonder⦠Maybe Sumire does want to do things like that?
"Hey, do you like illuminations and stuff like that?"
"Hmm? Whatās this? Could this be⦠an invitation for a date?"
"No way... Itās just, you know, Christmas and all⦠I thought maybe youād want to go."
"Hehe. Now that youāve successfully avoided spending Christmas alone, you suddenly want to do something fulfilling?"
Sumire smirks, her teasing voice laced with amusement. Her devilish grin almost makes me imagine tiny horns sprouting from her head. I sighāfor what feels like the umpteenth time today. Itās unfair how even that mischievous look is cute.
Lately, sheās been throwing in this kind of meaningful teasing more often. My heart races before I can even figure out how to reply. Itās exhausting...
"Thatās enough."
"Okay, okay, Iām sorry. But⦠illuminations, huh?" Sumire tilts her head slightly. "I donāt really care about today, but⦠I would like to see them, just a little."
"Well, maybe weāll go another time."
"So it was an invitation for a date after all, wasnāt it?" She grins. "When you say āagain,ā do you think Iām just some easygoing girl you can take out whenever you want?"
"Youāre such a pain."
I sigh again, watching Sumire sway slightly in her chair, looking as if sheās enjoying herself. I canāt figure out whatās so amusing. Our usual positions are reversedāthis time, Iām the one lying on the bed, while she sits, smiling.
And so, while we fiddled with our smartphonesāplaying games and chattingābefore I knew it, it was already 2:30.
"Is it really okay to just spend the whole day lazing around like this?" I muttered. "I mean, itās pretty normal for us, but still⦠feels like a waste of a day off."
"Then why donāt we go out?" Sumire suggested. "It is a special occasion, after all. Just hanging around indoors feels kinda lame."
"Hmm? I donāt mind, but do you have anywhere in mind?"
"Huh? Well, not really, butā¦"
"Whatās that?" She smirked. "Hehe. I donāt have any ideas either, so you decide, Ren."
"A place to go on a day off⦠somewhere fun but also good for killing timeā¦" I frowned. "Oh no, Iām too much of an indoor personāI canāt think of anything."
"Hmm⦠How about Animate or something?"
At that, Sumire burst out laughing. I instinctively turned away, pretending not to see her shoulders shaking as she covered her mouth, trying to stifle her giggles. Yeah, even I knew it was a pretty questionable choice.
"Hahaha! Animate, huh? I mean⦠as a place to invite a girl, itās a bit questionable, butā¦" She grinned. "Itās fine. Actually, Iāve never been there, and Iāve been kind of curious."
"Huh!? Youāve never been? Thatās surprising."
"I just never had the chance."
Thinking about it, it made sense. Given Sumireās situation at school, she probably didnāt have many opportunities to go with friends. And she wasnāt the type to go out alone much either. No wonder sheād never been.
"Well then, letās wander around until dinner time."
I was completely overwhelmed by my first time in a large-scale subculture commercial complex.
Maid cafés, Animate, Melon Books⦠even stores selling cosplay goods. Everywhere I looked, there was something new and exciting. I couldn't help but feel a little giddy, my steps growing lighter without even realizing it.
"Look, look! Thatās Naā-daās costume!"
"Youāre right. The quality is really highā¦"
Inside Animate, shelves overflowed with anime merchandise. According to Ren, this was one of the bigger Animate stores, and it showed. Everywhere I turned, there were figures of characters I recognizedāsome of my favorites among them. Just wandering through the aisles was fun in itself.
When we reached the light novel section, I saw everything from niche titles Iād never heard of to books Iād spotted on Renās shelf at home. As he excitedly explained a few of them, I browsed through the selections, taking note of the more interesting ones. In the end, I picked up a volume that caught my eye as a little memento.
After slipping the book into my basket, we made our way to the merchandise section.
A large signboard featuring characters from Genshin Impact immediately caught my attention. Scanning the shelves, I found an array of goodsācushions, desk mats, birthday commemorative sets, and pin badges. Some items even had descriptions written in Chinese, making them difficult for me to understand, but Ren quickly filled in the gaps, explaining them without hesitation.
Even though Iāve gotten pretty deep into Fate/Grand Order myself, it turns out Ren still knows way more about this kind of stuff.
We wandered through the Touhou Project and Kimetsu no Yaiba sections, and I couldnāt help but get excited every time I spotted one of my favorite characters. Every shelf and display felt like a miniature treasure trove, making my first visit to Animate even more enjoyable. Since I didnāt usually visit anime shops, seeing all these characters outside of a screen or book felt surprisingly fresh. Maybe it was also because I never really had the habit of buying merchandise like this.
By the time we finished browsing all the sections, I felt an odd sense of fulfillment. In the end, I bought a keychain from Fate/Grand Order and a desk mat featuring ShoujoāKageki Revue Starlight's director before finally leaving the store. Ren, on the other hand, seemed satisfied just looking aroundāhe didnāt buy anything.
Carefully holding onto my purchases, we wandered through other stores together. I spotted several cosplayers along the way, their outfits standing out even among the vibrant displays of anime goods. But beyond just the merchandise, the unique energy of the place made the experience feel even more special. Maybe this kind of atmosphere was part of the real thrill.
As expected, there are a lot of yami-kawaii girls in places like this. I think Iāve seen about ten times more of them today than I have in my entire life up until now. That kind of fashion is cute, but I could never pull it off myself.
As I walked, slightly envious, I noticed Ren had been unusually quiet. Curious, I glanced over at himāonly to catch him subtly following the yami-kawaii girls with his eyes.
āHmmā¦ā
Without a word, I flicked his cheek.
āOw! What was that for?ā
āNothing much.ā
āHuh⦠Thatās unfairā¦ā
Snorting, I grabbed Renās arm and half-dragged him into the store Iād been eyeing for a while.
Thatās rightāa cosplay specialty shop.
Rows of costumes from series I recognizedāGenshin Impact,Ā Kimetsu no Yaiba, FGO, Go-toubun no Hanayomeālined the walls, an overwhelming sight for any fan. Toward the back, baskets overflowing with fan-made goods sat neatly labeled with different series names.
"Oh, this is Natsuki Subaruās jersey. It would suit you, wouldnāt it?"
"Hey, itās just a jersey. At this point, thatās an insult, right?"
"Did you just make fun of my favorite character? Are you picking a fight?"
"Sorry."
I peeked into the unlabeled baskets, though most of the characters were unfamiliar to me. Still, spotting some of my favorite minor characters hidden among them made me happy.
Right now, Iām a girl. That means⦠if I want to, I can wear these.
Itās a strange thought, but the idea of dressing up as my favorite character makes my heart race a little. Even when I wore a kimono, there had been a slight sense of guiltābut it had been fun.
"Which one do you think is good?"
"Huh? ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦Oh, this is
. How about this one?""ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦Are you doing this on purpose?"
"What?"
"ā¦Nothing."
For a second, I panicked. It almost felt like he could see right through me. No, that couldnāt be it. But sometimes⦠he says things that make me wonder. Maybe Iām just overthinking.
After browsing for a while, we decided to grab souvenirsāRen picked Subaruās jersey, and I got Renās maid outfitābefore heading home.
It was fun, listening to Ren talk about his favorite characters.
ā¦Taking note of that, I made up my mindāIād come back here on my own sometime soon.
Dinner turned out to be quite the feast, thanks to my dad, who enthusiastically took charge of the cooking, and Sumire, who eagerly offered to help.
My dad went all out, preparing a whole roasted chicken, while Sumire arranged as many Christmas-themed dishes as she could think ofāroast beef, garlic shrimp, and more.
I was surprised to learn, for the first time, that Sumire could cook. Weād known each other for so long, yet somehow, this had never come up. To be honest, the amount of food was way too much for just the three of us, but everything was delicious. Maybe it was thanks to Sumireās hidden cooking skills, or maybe it was the lively atmosphereāsomething I hadnāt experienced in a long time.
Since my mother passed away, dinners with just my dad and me had been quiet and dull. Iād never really cared about Christmas before, but tonight felt⦠nice.
After the meal, we returned to my room and lazily sprawled out.
"Donāt peek, okay?"
"I wonāt peek, so just relax."
"Hmmā¦"
Since we decided to take quick baths, we settled it with rock-paper-scissors. Sumire won, so she went first. I didnāt particularly mind, so I just leaned back, idly scrolling through my phone as she left the room.
Even though I had only stopped by Animate for a bit, I felt strangely exhausted. Maybe it was because Christmas Eve had a certain weight to itāa kind of nervous excitement that had been lingering all day.
While grinding in FGO, I suddenly glanced toward the door and saw Sumire standing there, half-hidden behind it, staring intently at me.
"ā¦Donāt peek, okay?"
"Itās fine, so just hurry up and go in already!"
"If you peek, the fine is
, got it?"With that, she finally disappeared down the stairs, and I saw her off.
And then, it hit me
This situation is pretty bad, isnāt it?
A girl is staying over at my house. Sheās in the bath. And Iām here⦠waiting for her to finish.
This is definitely a situation Iāve seen somewhere before.
Crap. Why am I getting turned on now?
I need to cool my head. Tea. Tea sounds good.
Before my thoughts could spiral further, I slapped my cheeks, hard, and headed downstairs. In the kitchen, I grabbed the pot from the fridge and poured myself a cup of tea, chugging it in one go.
Since I was already downstairs, I figured I might as well bring up some late-night snacks. Rummaging through the snack shelf, I grabbed a few at random. Sumire eats anything sweet, so anything should do.
Taking a deep breath, I slowly exhaled. Another deep breath. Then another. After finally calming down, I made my way back toward the stairs.
And just as I stretched lightlyā
The sound of running water reached my ears.
In that instant, my heart pounded.
In my house, if you walk straight from the entrance, youāll find the stairs. To the left is the living room, and to the right are the changing room and bathroom. In other words, to get to the second floor, you inevitably have to pass by the bathroom.
For some reason, my steps grew quieter as I walked. Unconsciously, I had started moving stealthily.
From behind the door, the sound of water splashing filled the hall.
Right now, just on the other side, Sumire is completely naked.
Even if I donāt want to think about it, that sound forces me to be aware of it.
I shook my head violently, trying to chase away the impure thoughts. My feet had stopped without me even realizing it. Forcing myself to move, I bolted up the stairs.
The moment I burst into my room, I threw myself onto the floor in a desperate attempt to erase all improper thoughts from my consciousness. Sitting in a meditation pose, I focused my mind, chanting something vaguely resembling a Buddhist prayer.
I needed purification.
Minutes passed. The hard floor made my legs go numb, but I welcomed the discomfort. Pain was better than⦠whatever my mind had been drifting toward earlier.
Then, just as I was achieving spiritual detachmentā
The door creaked open.
"Huh? What are you doing?"
Sumire stood there, towel-drying her damp hair, staring at me with a look that was equal parts confusion and concern.
"ā¦Training to reach enlightenment," I said solemnly.
"Uh-huh. Yeah⦠seems fun, huh?"
Her expression screamed, this guy has finally lost it.
Coming to my senses, I quickly stood up, grabbed my change of clothes, and practically fled downstairs.
ā¦Now that I think about it, does chanting random prayers even make sense during meditation?
After getting out of the bath and cooling my head a bit, I returned to the room. But the moment I saw Sumire again, a strange sensation washed over me.
She was wearing fluffy pink pajamas.
It wasnāt that they were revealing or anythingāfar from it. But something about her in those soft, cozy clothes stirred up an entirely different emotion in me. Not lust, but an overwhelming urge to protect her. I had this sudden impulse to pull her into a hug and pat her head endlessly.
Weād been together for so long, yet this was the first time I had ever seen her in pajamas. The thought felt oddly fresh⦠and for some reason, just a little distant.
"Hehe, cute, right?"
"Yeah, cute."
"ā¦ā¦!?"
Her face immediately turned red, and she quickly looked away. That reactionāso flustered and adorableāalmost made me want to tease her more. Lately, Iād noticed she had a habit of provoking others but was weak to being pushed herself. Was this what people called the "weak-to-being-pushed" trait?
"Nn! Well then, itās about time we start, isnāt itā¦ā¦"
She suddenly cleared her throat, trying to regain composure, and sat up straight.
"Huh? Start what?"
"Well⦠Itās nighttime, weāre alone in a room together, and weāre having a sleepoverā¦"
She trailed off meaningfully.
My brain short-circuited.
"W-Wait⦠What exactly are you saying will start!?"
I braced myself, heart racing. Thenā
"Thatās right! An all-nighter of Sumabuā!! A midwinter night gaming tournament!!"
"ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦Oh."
I blinked.
"I-I seeā¦"
I had prepared for a lot of possibilities. That⦠was not one of them.
Since earlier, my brain had been completely hijacked by ugly, intrusive thoughts. And now, faced with Sumireās pure, unguarded excitement, the contrast made me feel like an absolute degenerate.
Unconsciously, I averted my gaze.
There was no way that was going to happenāof course not. And yet, for even a second, I had let my mind go there. The shame was unbearable.
"Huh? You donāt seem very into itā¦" Sumire pouted. "But you know, staying over at a friendās house and playing games all night has always been my dream. Even if you donāt want to, Iām making you join me!"
"Ohāno, itās not that I donāt want to. I justāah, yeah. I see."
"Good! Then hurry up and take the controller."
Without hesitation, she grabbed my Switch and a pair of controllers from the shelf, handing one to me like she owned the place. She was way too comfortable here⦠It was honestly impressive.
Still, I was a little surprised by her game choice.
"Wait, you picked
?"I had expected her to go for something lighter, maybe
or a casual party game. But this?"Yep!" She grinned. "Iāve actually been doing secret training with Kanna-chanās help. Iāll show you the results."
"Huh? Ichinose-san plays Smash Bros.?"
"Kanna-chan is really strong."
"Seriously? Now I want to play against her sometime."
Sumire's eyes narrowed.
"ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦You better invite me when that happens."
"� Yeah, of course."
I had no idea why she got so intense about that, but whatever. I tightened my grip on the controller, bracing myself.
Time to crush her gaming dreams.
After that, for some reason, I ended up playing match after match with her. Sumire was sulking a little, which made it all the more amusing. But to my surprise, she was a lot stronger than I expected. Still, out of sheer stubbornness, I somehow managed to win more than I lost.
That was way too closeā¦
After that, we kept playing well past midnight. We cycled through different games, switched to board games like chess and shogi, watched the latest episode of an anime, and spent the night wrapped in laughter and idle chatter.
And then, at some point, I noticed the quiet.
When I turned to the side, I found Sumire still sitting in her chair, fast asleep. Her body leaned slightly, her breathing soft and steady, with a careless, messy smile on her face.
"Youāre the one who said youād stay up all night, and now youāre the first to crash, huh..."
I poked her cheek lightly, but she didnāt stir. She just mumbled something incoherent and snuggled deeper into the chair, her guard completely down.
Watching her like that, a warmth bloomed in my chest ā affection, tenderness, something gentle and overwhelming all at once.
But along with that warmth, something else quietly bubbled up from the depths of my heart. A dark, suffocating emotion I couldnāt name.
Was she so defenseless because she trusted me that much?
Or... was it because she didnāt see me as a man at all?
Even when she caught glimpses of the more "male" parts of me, she never acted any differently the next day. She treated it like it was nothing. And while I shouldāve been grateful for that, the truth is... it hurt.
Maybe, because weāve been childhood friends for so long, she doesnāt even register me as the opposite sex.
That thought made my chest ache.
Today, being with her again, I felt it more than ever ā just how completely defenseless she is around me.
I like her so much itās painful.
And yet, Iām terrified of breaking what we have. So I keep holding back, pretending to be content with the way things are.
Itās pathetic.
But no matter how pathetic it is...
I just donāt want to lose her.
If I were to make a move on her right here, right now, what kind of expression would Sumire have? Would she be frozen in fear, or would her face flush red with embarrassment?
Maybe sheās waitingāwaiting for me, the indecisive one, to finally act. I canāt help but wonder.
Even as a high school student, is it normal to be this defenseless? But itās Sumire weāre talking aboutāsheās surely used to being looked at this way by men.
Lately, sheās been getting unusually close, always finding reasons to touch me. No matter what we do, the distance between us feels too small.
Is this really how friends interact? Even childhood friends?
Every day, the thought crosses my mindādoesnāt this girl like me? But every time, I dismiss it, convincing myself itās just a foolish misunderstanding.
And yetā¦
These feelingsāthis isnāt just friendship anymore.
Would it really be so wrong to just give in?
I canāt shake the feeling that sheās waiting for me. The thought grips me, refusing to let go.
I know lust is clouding my judgment. But even if I try to think rationally⦠isnāt this exactly what it seems?
No, if this is a misunderstanding, it would be irreversible.
āWhy... I believed in you all this time...ā
The image of Sumire crying, her face contorted in fear and betrayal, flashes through my mind.
Haa...
More than being hated by Sumire, more than anything else, I never want to make her sad.
Iāve seen her wear that lonely, troubled expression countless times, ever since we were kids. The strong, unyielding Sumire never shared her worries, and I was too dense to notice ā too useless to help her.
But even so... I don't want to see her sad anymore.
She sleeps soundly beside me, her mouth moving as she mumbles incoherent words, her face relaxed and carefree. She looks so defenseless, so at peace.
Ah... I really do love her. So much it hurts. I want to protect her smile and make her happy for the rest of her life. But someone like me... I know I could never be enough for her.
I gently stroke her head, the silky smoothness of her hair calming my restless heart. I donāt want to let go.
She lets out a soft, careless giggle ā "Ehehe" ā her blissful, unguarded smile tightening around my chest like a vice.
Yeah, thereās no denying it. Iām completely, hopelessly in love with her.
Careful not to wake her, I lift her and place her gently on the bed, pulling the blanket over her small frame.
Please... just let this last ā at least until the day she grows tired of me and decides to leave.
I cling to that fragile hope with everything I have.
āā¦Nnā¦ā
Toiletā¦
I stirred awake in the dark room, rubbing my eyes as I sat up. Still half-asleep, I stumbled toward the door, reaching for the knobā
And then I paused.
Something felt⦠off.
Huh? Where⦠am I?
This isnāt my room.
I blinked, glancing around, trying to make sense of the unfamiliar shadows. My mind lagged for a moment, still groggy, but then recognition set in.
Oh, right. Renās place.
I mustāve passed out after allā¦
Staying up all night from excitement must have caught up with me. I was looking forward to this sleepover, yet I ended up crashing the moment I got comfortable. Kind of a waste.
But then again, I didnāt want to drag Ren into an all-nighter just because I couldnāt sit still. Maybe this was for the best.
It looked like Ren had carried me to their bed. A soft glow from the nightlight barely illuminated the room, casting faint shadows against the walls.
I carefully made my way toward the door, then down the dark, and frankly hazardous, staircase. Times like this made me wish the bedroom wasnāt on the second floor.
After using the bathroom, I headed for the kitchen, craving a glass of water. By now, I knew my way around this place like it was my own. Finding the cups was second nature.
Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a futon laid out in front of the TV.
I crept closer, careful not to make a sound.
Ren lay asleep, curled up in the small space between the TV and the sofa. So this was where he decided to sleep⦠A pang of guilt settled in my chest. He gave up the bed for me and ended up here instead.
Still, as I knelt beside the futon, an odd, playful impulse bubbled up inside me. I leaned in slightly, watching his sleeping face.
Iād seen that peaceful expression plenty of times before. But right now, in the quiet darkness, it felt⦠different. Almost new.
My eyes traced the soft rise and fall of his breath. The way his bangs fell messily over his forehead.
Then, without warning, a strange warmth filled my chest. Gentleāyet somehow aching.
I pressed a hand against my heart, as if that would steady it.
I think⦠I might be done for.
My fingers moved before I could stop them, brushing lightly against his cheek.
This feelingāthe one that had been surfacing over and over againāwas something I had never quite understood, no matter how much I thought about it.
But I wasnāt that oblivious.
After all this time, after all these moments⦠there was no way I didnāt know the answer.
Each day, it grew stronger. Harder to ignore. Harder to push aside.
And now, being this close to him, it was impossible to look away.
At first, I saw him as nothing more than a child.
I approached him with only one intentionāto use him someday. No warmth, no affection, no deeper feelings at all.
But now⦠my heart is in turmoil like never before.
I want to run into his arms. To hold him tight. To be held even tighter.
I want him to embrace me so fiercely, so completely, that it feels like my bones might break.
I feel so lonely. So desperately alone.
And I want himāonly himāto fill this aching emptiness inside me.
Thereās no excuse for this anymore.
I am, without a doubt, in love with him.
Ever since that moment⦠when I truly felt the weight of my death, my longing for him has only grown stronger. I was aware of it then. And now, thereās no looking away. No justifications. No more pretending.
At some point, Ren said something ridiculous: āNo matter what kind of guy it is, once a TS happens, itās fate that theyāll fall for the protagonist in the end.ā
After that, I spent a whole week panicking, wondering if he had somehow figured me out.
But in the end⦠it seems I wasnāt exempt from that so-called āfateā either.
The childhood friend heroine moveā
It wasnāt just a move anymore.
I thought I was the one pulling the strings.
But somewhere along the way, I ended up being the one fallen forāthe heroine in this story.
What kind of joke is that?
How far have I really fallen into this āfemaleā role?
Iām definitely a guy. That much is certain. But I like Renāwho is also a guyāand...
Is it him that I love? His personality? Or... is it his body, too?
I donāt know.
But when I try to imagine another man touching me... I feel nothing but disgust.
Has my heart changed? Is this what it means to think like a girl? Or have I just fallen for Renāfor who he is?
I canāt tell anymore.
"Imagine kissing him."
Sakuma-sanās words flashed through my mind without warning.
My gaze naturally drifted to his lips.
In the silence of the room, the sound of my own swallowing was deafening. My throat went dry, my heartbeat pounded in my ears, and I had the absurd worry that even the smallest noise might wake him.
Slowly, my trembling hand rested on the futon. The fabric rustled under my fingertips, every sensation heightened.
And still, I kept staring at him.
I wonder what kind of expression Iām making right now.
No matter what it is, I canāt let him see it.
My breath felt hot against my lips as I leaned forward, drawn in by something I didnāt fully understand.
Before I knew it, his face was right in front of mine. Our breaths mingledāso close that, at this rate, he was bound to wake up.
I froze, holding my breath. Slowly, carefully, I closed the distance.
15 centimeters.
10 centimeters.
5 centimeters.
1 centimeter...
Any closer, and Iād touch him.
If I take just one more step, Iāll know for sure.
But if I doāthereās no turning back.
Ah...
A dull ache pulsed in my head, and a sharp pain tightened in my chest. I pressed a hand against my forehead, forcing myself to pull away.
This is wrong.
This is definitely wrong.
Doing something like this while heās asleepāhow could I even think about it?
And besides... Iām a guy.
A dirty, tainted existence filled with nothing but selfish intent. I approached him with the worst of motives, like a beast.
How could I ever believe that I have the right to love him?
Heād hate me.
If he ever found out, heād look at me with disgust.
That fear crushed me. The weight of my guilt, the shame of hiding the truthāit tore at my conscience.
Part of me wanted to confess everything, to expose my sins and let him judge me.
But the selfish part of meāthe one I hated mostāwanted to keep deceiving him. To stay by his side, pretending nothing was wrong.
To keep him, even if it meant lying forever.
Ah... what a terrible person I am.
Why am I like this? So emotionally unstable, so weak...
I know the answer.
Itās because of the seeds Iāve sown.
In my past life, nothing could shake me. I was the kind of person who could face anything without hesitation.
Has that strength died with me?
How ridiculous.
I came over to a friendās house to hang out, and now here I am, drowning in this mess of emotions.
But maybe... this is a burden I was always meant to carry.
Someday, Iāll tell him everything.
And ifāifāhe still forgives me after knowing the truth... maybe then...
My gaze drifts to Ren, sleeping soundly, blissfully unaware of the storm raging inside me.
This much is okay... right?
Quietly, carefully, I slip under the covers of his futon.
My arms wrap around himāhesitant, almost fearfulāas if holding him might soothe the ache inside me.
I close my eyes.
The warmth of an embrace I can never truly have seeps into my skin.
And as the weight of exhaustion finally pulls me under, I surrender to the silence, feeling the ghost of an answer just out of reach.
āI love you so much.ā
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