Chapter 11: One cm wall

December 23rd—the final week of Advent.

The city pulsed with restless energy. Excited voices filled the air as people made last-minute plans for tomorrow, while others, watching from the sidelines with envy, could only shed silent regrets.

Today also marked the beginning of winter vacation.

Thinking about how, for various reasons, only a quarter of my first year of high school remained, I couldn’t shake the feeling that time was slipping through my fingers away too fast.

“Hey, it’s fine, isn’t it?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Stingy. Idiot. Coward.”
“That’s not even relevant.”

And so, amidst the festive chaos, I found myself locked in a fierce negotiation.

A sleepover.

I was trying to convince Ren to let me stay at his place tomorrow.

My parents were already on board—I had told them I might spend the night at a friend’s house. Even my grandfather would probably allow it.

The only obstacle left?

Ren himself.

For some reason, he always refused sleepovers. I, on the other hand, had secretly longed to experience one at a friend’s house, and his constant rejection always left me frustrated. But now that winter vacation had finally begun, I was determined to change his mind.

“You’re going to be alone on Christmas anyway, right? Shouldn’t you be grateful that such a cute childhood friend is willing to keep you company?”

“I-I’m not going to be alone on Christmas! And wait, are you seriously praising yourself like that?”

“Hmph. Actually, I’m quite in demand, you know? You should savor the good fortune of having me as your childhood friend.”

Ren’s lips curled into a knowing smirk.

“Oh? The same guy who once went, ‘We’re friends, right…?’ with teary eyes is acting all high and mighty now?”

“Th-that’s something a man doesn’t bring up! Where’s your sense of delicacy?!”

That was a dark history I’d rather forget. Why did I even say something like that…? Was I unstable at the time? Losing my mind?

Feeling my face heat up from embarrassment, I did the only thing I could—I repeatedly kicked Ren’s shin in protest.

“I-I know a lot of embarrassing things about you, Ren! You sure you wanna provoke me?”

“Oh? Like what?”

“…Tentacle lover. Unusual fetish.”

Ren, who had just taken a sip of juice, immediately choked, coughing violently. Seeing his face contort in panic, I smirked, savoring my victory.

“Cough! Ugh… Quit making up baseless slander!”

“Oh, please. I know you’ve been watching nothing but weird-genre videos, you pervert.”

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. You must be mistaking me for someone else.”

Ren rattled on without pausing for breath.

"You’re talking super fast, that’s hilarious."

"Shut up. But okay, hypothetically speaking—just hypothetically—even in a million-to-one chance, no, a billion-to-one chance, this is purely theoretical. Something that doesn’t even exist. But if it did, how the hell would you even know about my preferences?"

"Because we’re childhood friends."

"You just think you can get away with saying that, don’t you?"

Ren shot me a half-lidded glare, clearly unimpressed. In response, I put on a deliberately mysterious expression.

"You really want to know…? You sure? You’ll probably regret it later."

"Yeah, I’m already getting a bad feeling about this… Never mind, don’t say it."

Ren backed off immediately, letting out a deep sigh as he rubbed his temples, his head hanging low. I couldn’t see his expression, but from his slumped posture, I was pretty sure I had won this round.

"So, you really want to stay over that badly?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Why? Well… because that kind of thing is exciting, right? Staying over at a friend’s house, playing games until late at night."

"Well… it’s not like I don’t get it."

Alright, it's time to launch the attack. I lower my voice, making it sound as sad as possible, and my expression turns gloomy as I drop my gaze.

"Ren… do you really hate it that much? Me staying over…"

"Ugh, stop making that face. If you look that sad, it really gets to me."

"If you really don’t want me to, then… yeah, I’ll just give up. Sorry…"

Sigh…

As expected, kind-hearted Ren winces, his expression shifting to pure guilt as he struggles to ignore my ‘super sad beautiful girl’ act. He lets out another deep sigh, rubbing his temples, before finally raising his hands in surrender.

"Alright, alright! But just this once. You already told your family, right? We still need my dad’s permission first."

"Really? You’re really okay with it? Yes! Big win!! …Man, you’re too easy."

"You—!"

"Your dad’s still on the first floor, right? I’ll go ask him!"

Smirking triumphantly, I dashed out of the room before Ren could retaliate, racing to get the final approval from his father.

---

After that, Sumire easily got permission from his father and came back. Seeing her beaming smile, even the will to complain about earlier completely vanished.

Is there really a man who could ruin the mood of someone looking this happy?

It’s not like I dislike the idea of her staying over. There's no way I dislike it—of course, I'm happy.

But I just don’t know how well my self-control will hold out, and that’s why I’ve stubbornly refused until now.

But after seeing Sumire looking that sad, all of those worries just stopped mattering.

I ended up giving in on impulse.

I wonder if I can really endure this...

If I don’t endure with a will of steel, I’ll probably end up putting an end to this relationship that’s lasted for thirteen years.

With this, I’m okay if it ends... So, I might go wild and give everything I’ve got!! There's a great possibility I’ll lose control and act impulsively. I mean, it’s probably going to happen. High school boys just can’t resist what’s down there.

Maybe I should do some meditation today to prepare for tomorrow... I should mentally center myself while I still can.

---

December 24th. A special day for many.

For Christians, for ordinary couples, and even for those celebrating the rebirth of the sun in their own way. So many people attached meaning to this day.

And somehow, it felt like it might become just a little special for us, too.

“Wow, they’re having a Christmas party together. I saw them talking about it in the class group.”
“Oh? So you’re glad you didn’t go?”
“You say that like it’s someone else’s problem. You’re in the same class too.”
“The class LINE notifications are annoying. I don’t really check them.”
“I see. Well, I already declined the invite. Told them I had a family party. A lie, but whatever.”
“Eh… is that really okay?”

“I’m not good with crowds… Besides, I did promise to save you from spending Christmas alone today.”
“…Shut up.”

“That aside, a Christmas party, huh? It’s still Christmas Eve, but having a party already feels weird. Advent is supposed to be a time for fasting and self-discipline, you know?”
“Wow, first time I’m hearing that.”

Even though we called it a sleepover, we weren’t doing anything special. Just lounging around, exchanging the same silly conversations we always did.

And honestly? That suited us best.

I’ve never been the type to enjoy big parties, noisy gatherings, or walking through crowds just to see some illuminations.

But I wonder… Maybe Sumire does want to do things like that?

"Hey, do you like illuminations and stuff like that?"

"Hmm? What’s this? Could this be… an invitation for a date?"

"No way... It’s just, you know, Christmas and all… I thought maybe you’d want to go."

"Hehe. Now that you’ve successfully avoided spending Christmas alone, you suddenly want to do something fulfilling?"

Sumire smirks, her teasing voice laced with amusement. Her devilish grin almost makes me imagine tiny horns sprouting from her head. I sigh—for what feels like the umpteenth time today. It’s unfair how even that mischievous look is cute.

Lately, she’s been throwing in this kind of meaningful teasing more often. My heart races before I can even figure out how to reply. It’s exhausting...

"That’s enough."

"Okay, okay, I’m sorry. But… illuminations, huh?" Sumire tilts her head slightly. "I don’t really care about today, but… I would like to see them, just a little."

"Well, maybe we’ll go another time."

"So it was an invitation for a date after all, wasn’t it?" She grins. "When you say ‘again,’ do you think I’m just some easygoing girl you can take out whenever you want?"

"You’re such a pain."

I sigh again, watching Sumire sway slightly in her chair, looking as if she’s enjoying herself. I can’t figure out what’s so amusing. Our usual positions are reversed—this time, I’m the one lying on the bed, while she sits, smiling.

And so, while we fiddled with our smartphones—playing games and chatting—before I knew it, it was already 2:30.

"Is it really okay to just spend the whole day lazing around like this?" I muttered. "I mean, it’s pretty normal for us, but still… feels like a waste of a day off."

"Then why don’t we go out?" Sumire suggested. "It is a special occasion, after all. Just hanging around indoors feels kinda lame."

"Hmm? I don’t mind, but do you have anywhere in mind?"

"Huh? Well, not really, but…"

"What’s that?" She smirked. "Hehe. I don’t have any ideas either, so you decide, Ren."

"A place to go on a day off… somewhere fun but also good for killing time…" I frowned. "Oh no, I’m too much of an indoor person—I can’t think of anything."

"Hmm… How about Animate or something?"

At that, Sumire burst out laughing. I instinctively turned away, pretending not to see her shoulders shaking as she covered her mouth, trying to stifle her giggles. Yeah, even I knew it was a pretty questionable choice.

"Hahaha! Animate, huh? I mean… as a place to invite a girl, it’s a bit questionable, but…" She grinned. "It’s fine. Actually, I’ve never been there, and I’ve been kind of curious."

"Huh!? You’ve never been? That’s surprising."

"I just never had the chance."

Thinking about it, it made sense. Given Sumire’s situation at school, she probably didn’t have many opportunities to go with friends. And she wasn’t the type to go out alone much either. No wonder she’d never been.

"Well then, let’s wander around until dinner time."

---

I was completely overwhelmed by my first time in a large-scale subculture commercial complex.

Maid cafés, Animate, Melon Books… even stores selling cosplay goods. Everywhere I looked, there was something new and exciting. I couldn't help but feel a little giddy, my steps growing lighter without even realizing it.

"Look, look! That’s Na○-da’s costume!"

"You’re right. The quality is really high…"

Inside Animate, shelves overflowed with anime merchandise. According to Ren, this was one of the bigger Animate stores, and it showed. Everywhere I turned, there were figures of characters I recognized—some of my favorites among them. Just wandering through the aisles was fun in itself.

When we reached the light novel section, I saw everything from niche titles I’d never heard of to books I’d spotted on Ren’s shelf at home. As he excitedly explained a few of them, I browsed through the selections, taking note of the more interesting ones. In the end, I picked up a volume that caught my eye as a little memento.

After slipping the book into my basket, we made our way to the merchandise section.

A large signboard featuring characters from Genshin Impact immediately caught my attention. Scanning the shelves, I found an array of goods—cushions, desk mats, birthday commemorative sets, and pin badges. Some items even had descriptions written in Chinese, making them difficult for me to understand, but Ren quickly filled in the gaps, explaining them without hesitation.

Even though I’ve gotten pretty deep into Fate/Grand Order myself, it turns out Ren still knows way more about this kind of stuff.

We wandered through the Touhou Project and Kimetsu no Yaiba sections, and I couldn’t help but get excited every time I spotted one of my favorite characters. Every shelf and display felt like a miniature treasure trove, making my first visit to Animate even more enjoyable. Since I didn’t usually visit anime shops, seeing all these characters outside of a screen or book felt surprisingly fresh. Maybe it was also because I never really had the habit of buying merchandise like this.

By the time we finished browsing all the sections, I felt an odd sense of fulfillment. In the end, I bought a keychain from Fate/Grand Order and a desk mat featuring Shoujo☆Kageki Revue Starlight's director before finally leaving the store. Ren, on the other hand, seemed satisfied just looking around—he didn’t buy anything.

Carefully holding onto my purchases, we wandered through other stores together. I spotted several cosplayers along the way, their outfits standing out even among the vibrant displays of anime goods. But beyond just the merchandise, the unique energy of the place made the experience feel even more special. Maybe this kind of atmosphere was part of the real thrill.

As expected, there are a lot of yami-kawaii girls in places like this. I think I’ve seen about ten times more of them today than I have in my entire life up until now. That kind of fashion is cute, but I could never pull it off myself.

As I walked, slightly envious, I noticed Ren had been unusually quiet. Curious, I glanced over at him—only to catch him subtly following the yami-kawaii girls with his eyes.

“Hmm…”

Without a word, I flicked his cheek.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“Nothing much.”

“Huh… That’s unfair…”

Snorting, I grabbed Ren’s arm and half-dragged him into the store I’d been eyeing for a while.

That’s right—a cosplay specialty shop.

Rows of costumes from series I recognized—Genshin Impact, Kimetsu no Yaiba, FGO, Go-toubun no Hanayome—lined the walls, an overwhelming sight for any fan. Toward the back, baskets overflowing with fan-made goods sat neatly labeled with different series names.

"Oh, this is Natsuki Subaru’s jersey. It would suit you, wouldn’t it?"

"Hey, it’s just a jersey. At this point, that’s an insult, right?"

"Did you just make fun of my favorite character? Are you picking a fight?"

"Sorry."

I peeked into the unlabeled baskets, though most of the characters were unfamiliar to me. Still, spotting some of my favorite minor characters hidden among them made me happy.

Right now, I’m a girl. That means… if I want to, I can wear these.

It’s a strange thought, but the idea of dressing up as my favorite character makes my heart race a little. Even when I wore a kimono, there had been a slight sense of guilt—but it had been fun.

"Which one do you think is good?"

"Huh? …………Oh, this is Karioshiro. How about this one?"

"………………Are you doing this on purpose?"

"What?"

"…Nothing."

For a second, I panicked. It almost felt like he could see right through me. No, that couldn’t be it. But sometimes… he says things that make me wonder. Maybe I’m just overthinking.

After browsing for a while, we decided to grab souvenirs—Ren picked Subaru’s jersey, and I got Ren’s maid outfit—before heading home.

It was fun, listening to Ren talk about his favorite characters.

…Taking note of that, I made up my mind—I’d come back here on my own sometime soon.

---

Dinner turned out to be quite the feast, thanks to my dad, who enthusiastically took charge of the cooking, and Sumire, who eagerly offered to help.

My dad went all out, preparing a whole roasted chicken, while Sumire arranged as many Christmas-themed dishes as she could think of—roast beef, garlic shrimp, and more.

I was surprised to learn, for the first time, that Sumire could cook. We’d known each other for so long, yet somehow, this had never come up. To be honest, the amount of food was way too much for just the three of us, but everything was delicious. Maybe it was thanks to Sumire’s hidden cooking skills, or maybe it was the lively atmosphere—something I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

Since my mother passed away, dinners with just my dad and me had been quiet and dull. I’d never really cared about Christmas before, but tonight felt… nice.

After the meal, we returned to my room and lazily sprawled out.

"Don’t peek, okay?"

"I won’t peek, so just relax."

"Hmm…"

Since we decided to take quick baths, we settled it with rock-paper-scissors. Sumire won, so she went first. I didn’t particularly mind, so I just leaned back, idly scrolling through my phone as she left the room.

Even though I had only stopped by Animate for a bit, I felt strangely exhausted. Maybe it was because Christmas Eve had a certain weight to it—a kind of nervous excitement that had been lingering all day.

While grinding in FGO, I suddenly glanced toward the door and saw Sumire standing there, half-hidden behind it, staring intently at me.

"…Don’t peek, okay?"

"It’s fine, so just hurry up and go in already!"

"If you peek, the fine is 50,000 yen, got it?"

With that, she finally disappeared down the stairs, and I saw her off.

And then, it hit me

This situation is pretty bad, isn’t it?

A girl is staying over at my house. She’s in the bath. And I’m here… waiting for her to finish.

This is definitely a situation I’ve seen somewhere before.

Crap. Why am I getting turned on now?

I need to cool my head. Tea. Tea sounds good.

Before my thoughts could spiral further, I slapped my cheeks, hard, and headed downstairs. In the kitchen, I grabbed the pot from the fridge and poured myself a cup of tea, chugging it in one go.

Since I was already downstairs, I figured I might as well bring up some late-night snacks. Rummaging through the snack shelf, I grabbed a few at random. Sumire eats anything sweet, so anything should do.

Taking a deep breath, I slowly exhaled. Another deep breath. Then another. After finally calming down, I made my way back toward the stairs.

And just as I stretched lightly—

The sound of running water reached my ears.

In that instant, my heart pounded.

In my house, if you walk straight from the entrance, you’ll find the stairs. To the left is the living room, and to the right are the changing room and bathroom. In other words, to get to the second floor, you inevitably have to pass by the bathroom.

For some reason, my steps grew quieter as I walked. Unconsciously, I had started moving stealthily.

From behind the door, the sound of water splashing filled the hall.

Right now, just on the other side, Sumire is completely naked.

Even if I don’t want to think about it, that sound forces me to be aware of it.

I shook my head violently, trying to chase away the impure thoughts. My feet had stopped without me even realizing it. Forcing myself to move, I bolted up the stairs.

The moment I burst into my room, I threw myself onto the floor in a desperate attempt to erase all improper thoughts from my consciousness. Sitting in a meditation pose, I focused my mind, chanting something vaguely resembling a Buddhist prayer.

I needed purification.

Minutes passed. The hard floor made my legs go numb, but I welcomed the discomfort. Pain was better than… whatever my mind had been drifting toward earlier.

Then, just as I was achieving spiritual detachment—

The door creaked open.

"Huh? What are you doing?"

Sumire stood there, towel-drying her damp hair, staring at me with a look that was equal parts confusion and concern.

"…Training to reach enlightenment," I said solemnly.

"Uh-huh. Yeah… seems fun, huh?"

Her expression screamed, this guy has finally lost it.

Coming to my senses, I quickly stood up, grabbed my change of clothes, and practically fled downstairs.

…Now that I think about it, does chanting random prayers even make sense during meditation?

---

After getting out of the bath and cooling my head a bit, I returned to the room. But the moment I saw Sumire again, a strange sensation washed over me.

She was wearing fluffy pink pajamas.

It wasn’t that they were revealing or anything—far from it. But something about her in those soft, cozy clothes stirred up an entirely different emotion in me. Not lust, but an overwhelming urge to protect her. I had this sudden impulse to pull her into a hug and pat her head endlessly.

We’d been together for so long, yet this was the first time I had ever seen her in pajamas. The thought felt oddly fresh… and for some reason, just a little distant.

"Hehe, cute, right?"

"Yeah, cute."

"……!?"

Her face immediately turned red, and she quickly looked away. That reaction—so flustered and adorable—almost made me want to tease her more. Lately, I’d noticed she had a habit of provoking others but was weak to being pushed herself. Was this what people called the "weak-to-being-pushed" trait?

"Nn! Well then, it’s about time we start, isn’t it……"

She suddenly cleared her throat, trying to regain composure, and sat up straight.

"Huh? Start what?"

"Well… It’s nighttime, we’re alone in a room together, and we’re having a sleepover…"

She trailed off meaningfully.

My brain short-circuited.

"W-Wait… What exactly are you saying will start!?"

I braced myself, heart racing. Then—

"That’s right! An all-nighter of Sumabu○!! A midwinter night gaming tournament!!"

"………………Oh."

I blinked.

"I-I see…"

I had prepared for a lot of possibilities. That… was not one of them.

Since earlier, my brain had been completely hijacked by ugly, intrusive thoughts. And now, faced with Sumire’s pure, unguarded excitement, the contrast made me feel like an absolute degenerate.

Unconsciously, I averted my gaze.

There was no way that was going to happen—of course not. And yet, for even a second, I had let my mind go there. The shame was unbearable.

"Huh? You don’t seem very into it…" Sumire pouted. "But you know, staying over at a friend’s house and playing games all night has always been my dream. Even if you don’t want to, I’m making you join me!"

"Oh—no, it’s not that I don’t want to. I just—ah, yeah. I see."

"Good! Then hurry up and take the controller."

Without hesitation, she grabbed my Switch and a pair of controllers from the shelf, handing one to me like she owned the place. She was way too comfortable here… It was honestly impressive.

Still, I was a little surprised by her game choice.

"Wait, you picked Sumabro?"

I had expected her to go for something lighter, maybe Maker or a casual party game. But this?

"Yep!" She grinned. "I’ve actually been doing secret training with Kanna-chan’s help. I’ll show you the results."

"Huh? Ichinose-san plays Smash Bros.?"

"Kanna-chan is really strong."

"Seriously? Now I want to play against her sometime."

Sumire's eyes narrowed.

"…………You better invite me when that happens."

"…? Yeah, of course."

I had no idea why she got so intense about that, but whatever. I tightened my grip on the controller, bracing myself.

Time to crush her gaming dreams.

After that, for some reason, I ended up playing match after match with her. Sumire was sulking a little, which made it all the more amusing. But to my surprise, she was a lot stronger than I expected. Still, out of sheer stubbornness, I somehow managed to win more than I lost.

That was way too close…

---

After that, we kept playing well past midnight. We cycled through different games, switched to board games like chess and shogi, watched the latest episode of an anime, and spent the night wrapped in laughter and idle chatter.

And then, at some point, I noticed the quiet.

When I turned to the side, I found Sumire still sitting in her chair, fast asleep. Her body leaned slightly, her breathing soft and steady, with a careless, messy smile on her face.

"You’re the one who said you’d stay up all night, and now you’re the first to crash, huh..."

I poked her cheek lightly, but she didn’t stir. She just mumbled something incoherent and snuggled deeper into the chair, her guard completely down.

Watching her like that, a warmth bloomed in my chest — affection, tenderness, something gentle and overwhelming all at once.

But along with that warmth, something else quietly bubbled up from the depths of my heart. A dark, suffocating emotion I couldn’t name.

Was she so defenseless because she trusted me that much?

Or... was it because she didn’t see me as a man at all?

Even when she caught glimpses of the more "male" parts of me, she never acted any differently the next day. She treated it like it was nothing. And while I should’ve been grateful for that, the truth is... it hurt.

Maybe, because we’ve been childhood friends for so long, she doesn’t even register me as the opposite sex.

That thought made my chest ache.

Today, being with her again, I felt it more than ever — just how completely defenseless she is around me.

I like her so much it’s painful.

And yet, I’m terrified of breaking what we have. So I keep holding back, pretending to be content with the way things are.

It’s pathetic.

But no matter how pathetic it is...

I just don’t want to lose her.

If I were to make a move on her right here, right now, what kind of expression would Sumire have? Would she be frozen in fear, or would her face flush red with embarrassment?

Maybe she’s waiting—waiting for me, the indecisive one, to finally act. I can’t help but wonder.

Even as a high school student, is it normal to be this defenseless? But it’s Sumire we’re talking about—she’s surely used to being looked at this way by men.

Lately, she’s been getting unusually close, always finding reasons to touch me. No matter what we do, the distance between us feels too small.

Is this really how friends interact? Even childhood friends?

Every day, the thought crosses my mind—doesn’t this girl like me? But every time, I dismiss it, convincing myself it’s just a foolish misunderstanding.

And yet…

These feelings—this isn’t just friendship anymore.

Would it really be so wrong to just give in?

I can’t shake the feeling that she’s waiting for me. The thought grips me, refusing to let go.

I know lust is clouding my judgment. But even if I try to think rationally… isn’t this exactly what it seems?

No, if this is a misunderstanding, it would be irreversible.

“Why... I believed in you all this time...”

The image of Sumire crying, her face contorted in fear and betrayal, flashes through my mind.

Haa...

More than being hated by Sumire, more than anything else, I never want to make her sad.

I’ve seen her wear that lonely, troubled expression countless times, ever since we were kids. The strong, unyielding Sumire never shared her worries, and I was too dense to notice — too useless to help her.

But even so... I don't want to see her sad anymore.

She sleeps soundly beside me, her mouth moving as she mumbles incoherent words, her face relaxed and carefree. She looks so defenseless, so at peace.

Ah... I really do love her. So much it hurts. I want to protect her smile and make her happy for the rest of her life. But someone like me... I know I could never be enough for her.

I gently stroke her head, the silky smoothness of her hair calming my restless heart. I don’t want to let go.

She lets out a soft, careless giggle — "Ehehe" — her blissful, unguarded smile tightening around my chest like a vice.

Yeah, there’s no denying it. I’m completely, hopelessly in love with her.

Careful not to wake her, I lift her and place her gently on the bed, pulling the blanket over her small frame.

Please... just let this last — at least until the day she grows tired of me and decides to leave.

I cling to that fragile hope with everything I have.

---

“…Nn…”

Toilet…

I stirred awake in the dark room, rubbing my eyes as I sat up. Still half-asleep, I stumbled toward the door, reaching for the knob—

And then I paused.

Something felt… off.

Huh? Where… am I?

This isn’t my room.

I blinked, glancing around, trying to make sense of the unfamiliar shadows. My mind lagged for a moment, still groggy, but then recognition set in.

Oh, right. Ren’s place.

I must’ve passed out after all…

Staying up all night from excitement must have caught up with me. I was looking forward to this sleepover, yet I ended up crashing the moment I got comfortable. Kind of a waste.

But then again, I didn’t want to drag Ren into an all-nighter just because I couldn’t sit still. Maybe this was for the best.

It looked like Ren had carried me to their bed. A soft glow from the nightlight barely illuminated the room, casting faint shadows against the walls.

I carefully made my way toward the door, then down the dark, and frankly hazardous, staircase. Times like this made me wish the bedroom wasn’t on the second floor.

After using the bathroom, I headed for the kitchen, craving a glass of water. By now, I knew my way around this place like it was my own. Finding the cups was second nature.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a futon laid out in front of the TV.

I crept closer, careful not to make a sound.

Ren lay asleep, curled up in the small space between the TV and the sofa. So this was where he decided to sleep… A pang of guilt settled in my chest. He gave up the bed for me and ended up here instead.

Still, as I knelt beside the futon, an odd, playful impulse bubbled up inside me. I leaned in slightly, watching his sleeping face.

I’d seen that peaceful expression plenty of times before. But right now, in the quiet darkness, it felt… different. Almost new.

My eyes traced the soft rise and fall of his breath. The way his bangs fell messily over his forehead.

Then, without warning, a strange warmth filled my chest. Gentle—yet somehow aching.

I pressed a hand against my heart, as if that would steady it.

I think… I might be done for.

My fingers moved before I could stop them, brushing lightly against his cheek.

This feeling—the one that had been surfacing over and over again—was something I had never quite understood, no matter how much I thought about it.

But I wasn’t that oblivious.

After all this time, after all these moments… there was no way I didn’t know the answer.

Each day, it grew stronger. Harder to ignore. Harder to push aside.

And now, being this close to him, it was impossible to look away.

At first, I saw him as nothing more than a child.

I approached him with only one intention—to use him someday. No warmth, no affection, no deeper feelings at all.

But now… my heart is in turmoil like never before.

I want to run into his arms. To hold him tight. To be held even tighter.

I want him to embrace me so fiercely, so completely, that it feels like my bones might break.

I feel so lonely. So desperately alone.

And I want him—only him—to fill this aching emptiness inside me.

There’s no excuse for this anymore.

I am, without a doubt, in love with him.

Ever since that moment… when I truly felt the weight of my death, my longing for him has only grown stronger. I was aware of it then. And now, there’s no looking away. No justifications. No more pretending.

At some point, Ren said something ridiculous: “No matter what kind of guy it is, once a TS happens, it’s fate that they’ll fall for the protagonist in the end.”

After that, I spent a whole week panicking, wondering if he had somehow figured me out.

But in the end… it seems I wasn’t exempt from that so-called “fate” either.

The childhood friend heroine move—

It wasn’t just a move anymore.

I thought I was the one pulling the strings.

But somewhere along the way, I ended up being the one fallen for—the heroine in this story.

What kind of joke is that?

How far have I really fallen into this “female” role?

I’m definitely a guy. That much is certain. But I like Ren—who is also a guy—and...

Is it him that I love? His personality? Or... is it his body, too?

I don’t know.

But when I try to imagine another man touching me... I feel nothing but disgust.

Has my heart changed? Is this what it means to think like a girl? Or have I just fallen for Ren—for who he is?

I can’t tell anymore.

"Imagine kissing him."

Sakuma-san’s words flashed through my mind without warning.

My gaze naturally drifted to his lips.

In the silence of the room, the sound of my own swallowing was deafening. My throat went dry, my heartbeat pounded in my ears, and I had the absurd worry that even the smallest noise might wake him.

Slowly, my trembling hand rested on the futon. The fabric rustled under my fingertips, every sensation heightened.

And still, I kept staring at him.

I wonder what kind of expression I’m making right now.

No matter what it is, I can’t let him see it.

My breath felt hot against my lips as I leaned forward, drawn in by something I didn’t fully understand.

Before I knew it, his face was right in front of mine. Our breaths mingled—so close that, at this rate, he was bound to wake up.

I froze, holding my breath. Slowly, carefully, I closed the distance.

15 centimeters.

10 centimeters.

5 centimeters.

1 centimeter...

Any closer, and I’d touch him.

If I take just one more step, I’ll know for sure.

But if I do—there’s no turning back.

Ah...

A dull ache pulsed in my head, and a sharp pain tightened in my chest. I pressed a hand against my forehead, forcing myself to pull away.

This is wrong.

This is definitely wrong.

Doing something like this while he’s asleep—how could I even think about it?

And besides... I’m a guy.

A dirty, tainted existence filled with nothing but selfish intent. I approached him with the worst of motives, like a beast.

How could I ever believe that I have the right to love him?

He’d hate me.

If he ever found out, he’d look at me with disgust.

That fear crushed me. The weight of my guilt, the shame of hiding the truth—it tore at my conscience.

Part of me wanted to confess everything, to expose my sins and let him judge me.

But the selfish part of me—the one I hated most—wanted to keep deceiving him. To stay by his side, pretending nothing was wrong.

To keep him, even if it meant lying forever.

Ah... what a terrible person I am.

Why am I like this? So emotionally unstable, so weak...

I know the answer.

It’s because of the seeds I’ve sown.

In my past life, nothing could shake me. I was the kind of person who could face anything without hesitation.

Has that strength died with me?

How ridiculous.

I came over to a friend’s house to hang out, and now here I am, drowning in this mess of emotions.

But maybe... this is a burden I was always meant to carry.

Someday, I’ll tell him everything.

And if—if—he still forgives me after knowing the truth... maybe then...

My gaze drifts to Ren, sleeping soundly, blissfully unaware of the storm raging inside me.

This much is okay... right?

Quietly, carefully, I slip under the covers of his futon.

My arms wrap around him—hesitant, almost fearful—as if holding him might soothe the ache inside me.

I close my eyes.

The warmth of an embrace I can never truly have seeps into my skin.

And as the weight of exhaustion finally pulls me under, I surrender to the silence, feeling the ghost of an answer just out of reach.

“I love you so much.”