Chapter 9: Is this Love?

Awkward...

Since that incident on Saturday, I hadn’t received a single LINE message from Sumire. She had said, "See you tomorrow," but in the end, she never showed up. That alone was enough to sink me deeper into despair.

Yet, when Monday morning arrived, she barged into my house like always—except something felt off.

She was unusually quiet, her usual energy nowhere to be found. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but somehow, the space between us felt bigger than ever. And for some reason, she kept sneaking glances at my face.

"What's wrong?"
"N-nothing."

Unable to stand the heavy atmosphere, I finally broke the silence, but she just turned her face away, avoiding my eyes. No matter how often I tried to talk to her, our exchanges were short and awkward, and we walked to school almost without speaking.

I started to think she completely hated me. But now, as lunchtime rolls around, I’m not so sure anymore.

Staring...

Since morning, I’ve had this persistent feeling of being watched. No — it’s not just a feeling. Sumire has been staring at me non-stop during class and break times.

I first noticed it by accident. During math class, feeling a bit worn out, I stretched while the teacher wrote on the blackboard. When I lazily glanced around the room, my eyes unexpectedly locked with Sumire's.

She was staring. Intently.

The moment our eyes met, she quickly looked away — but when I peeked again out of curiosity, her gaze had already returned. She watched me in silence, her expression completely blank, as if lost in thought.

This wasn’t the usual playful Sumire.
It was something else entirely.

My seat is at the very back on the left end, while Sumire sits second from the back on the right. To look at me, she has to turn slightly, so it couldn’t possibly be a coincidence.

What is this...

For a fleeting moment, an embarrassingly childish thought crossed my mind — Could it be that she fell for me? But no, that’s impossible. There’s no way a girl would suddenly fall in love after seeing... that. This isn’t some kind of eroge.

I even checked my face and hair in the bathroom mirror, hoping to spot anything out of the ordinary. But no — just my usual, painfully average face stared back at me.

Then what could it be?

Is she plotting some elaborate scheme to humiliate me? The thought made me squirm. It’s not like my dignity could drop any lower after what happened, but still, the timing was too suspicious. Paranoia crept in, and I started worrying that she had already told our classmates, and they were secretly laughing at me behind my back.

But for now, there were no signs of that.

Even so, Sumire’s relentless gaze burned into me, and in the end, I was so distracted that I couldn’t focus on class at all.

---

Lately, I’ve started noticing how strangely I act around Ren. Every word he says lingers in my mind, and even his smallest gestures get burned into my memory, refusing to fade. 

I can vividly recall all his little habits — like how he touches his left earlobe when he’s troubled or rests a hand on his chin when he’s lost in thought.

When I’m near him, a smile comes naturally, and even the most trivial conversations feel special, as if they’re glowing.

Even though I know he’s joking, whenever he says something teasing, my heart aches like it's being torn apart. And when we have even the smallest argument, I end up crying into my pillow at night. 

Why do I get so dramatic when it comes to him? I told myself it was because he was my first precious friend, but... is that really all it is?

Maybe I’ve already crossed the line of friendship.

Absentmindedly, I stare at his profile, my thoughts spiraling.

I have to remember — the reason I approached him in the first place was to make him emotionally dependent on me. I can’t let myself be the one leaning on him.

If I start depending on him... if I let myself fall too far...
It’ll be bad.
Really bad………

I’m the worst.

I approached him with the intention of making him emotionally dependent on me — so he couldn’t live without me, so he’d spoil me and take care of me even if I did nothing, turning him into someone who existed just for me. But if I end up depending on him, even mentally... the guilt would crush me.

If I get too close, I’ll start to fear that our relationship could fall apart at any moment.

He tries to take care of me willingly, out of his own desire. And I reluctantly accept it — that was supposed to be the storyline of my life. I was never supposed to feel anything deeper for him. I would just quietly become his dependent out of necessity, without affection, without guilt, without suffering.

That was the plan.

That’s why I never confessed my feelings. Instead, I worked hard to make him come to me.

But now...

Sigh………………

Just because the plan went off track doesn’t mean I can replace him with someone else. And the truth is, the more I want to be with him, the more I realize my friendship with him was always real.

I kept turning those thoughts over and over in my mind until, before I knew it, lunch break had arrived. I hadn’t heard a word of the class lecture, but at this point, there’s nothing left for me to learn from high school lessons anyway.

That’s not the problem.

The problem is that Ren sways me this much.

"Sumi-chan!!"

While I was drowning in a sea of thoughts, someone suddenly tackled me from behind. I was hugged tightly, and my consciousness was forcibly yanked back to reality.

"Let’s eat!"

Of course, it was Kanna-chan, radiating her usual boundless energy. Sakuma Mahiro-san, who often stuck with Kanna, followed behind and quietly pulled up a chair to sit next to me.

"I always think this, but when Onodera-san is involved, your energy skyrockets, Kanna."
"Really? Has our forbidden relationship finally been exposed……?"
"What are you even saying, Kanna-chan?"

Mahiro — nicknamed Mahhi — was a tall girl with cool, elegant features. We hadn’t talked much, but she always seemed calm and collected. She was stunning and overwhelmingly popular with the boys, but unfortunately for them, she already had a boyfriend. And not just any boyfriend — a ridiculously handsome one. They were known as the school’s beautiful couple, like something out of a romance manga.

As the saying goes, "When three women gather, it becomes noisy," we started eating lunch amidst the lively chatter (though, to be fair, it was mostly Kanna-chan doing the talking).

Topic after topic spilled from her mouth, an endless stream of words that somehow never felt overwhelming or chaotic. The conversation flowed so naturally that I wondered where she even kept all these things to talk about. Honestly, if she could share even 10% of her communication skills with me, my life would probably improve tenfold.

By the way, as someone who’s socially awkward, I struggle with calling people by their first names or using nicknames. That’s why I still call Sakuma-san by her last name, even though we’ve shared lunches like this before.

People who can effortlessly hand out nicknames or pet names right after meeting someone... Are they really the same species as me?

I wish I had better communication skills in life.

Suddenly, just as everyone unconsciously took a breather, Kanna-chan scooted closer, her face serious.

"By the way, Sumi-chan, how far have you guys progressed?"

"What are you talking about?"

I blinked, tilting my head in confusion. But Kanna's gaze sharpened, and she leaned in even closer, her breathing oddly heavy with excitement.

"I'm talking about Shimada-kun! Have you already gone as far as, like, k-kissing……?"

"W-w-what are you saying!?"

Whaaaaaat!!?? What is this girl suddenly saying? Huh, huh? Huh!?

"Well, I’ve been feeling impatient for a while now. But looking at how things have been lately, it seems like you’ve made quite a bit of progress, so I was wondering how far you’ve gone."

"Tell me more about that."

"Hey, even Sakuma-san, what are you saying!? N-no, it’s not like that! In the first place, we’re not in that kind of relationship!"

I nearly fell off my chair with a loud clatter, drawing the entire class's attention. After a quick apology, I sat back down, trying to catch my breath. Then, I snapped back to whispering, my face burning.

"In the first place, we’re not even dating!! We don’t see each other that way — we’re just friends!"

"What!!?? You weren’t dating even after all that? You’re lying! Whaaat…………"

"But the fact that you said 'still' means that's the direction things are going, right?"

"No!! That’s just a figure of speech!!"

They stared at me with gleeful smirks, their eyes glittering with mischief. Flustered, I started glancing around the room as if searching for an escape route, but that only seemed to stoke their curiosity even more.

"It's strange that you're not dating after all that. You come to school side by side every day, and I even saw you holding hands during the fireworks festival, right?"

"Huh!? You saw that!?"

I stiffened. I didn’t notice at all — it was such a huge crowd, and I thought I’d been lucky just to avoid bumping into people.

"Well, Sumi-chan, with that face you made back then, you were so cute."

"I didn’t make that kind of face... And seriously, we’re just friends."

"Really?"

Holding hands with a close friend isn’t that unusual, right? But honestly, I wouldn’t know. I’ve barely had any friends in the first place. And what’s a 'woman’s face'? Were they really close enough to see my expression that clearly...?

"It’s not a big deal. We’ve been friends since kindergarten, so holding hands is pretty normal."

"Huh? Sumi-chan and Shimada-kun have known each other since kindergarten? This is the first I’m hearing of this!"

"Huh, didn’t I mention it?"

Now that I think about it... maybe I never did. For some reason, Ren and I had this unspoken rule to keep our distance at school. But why did we even start doing that?

"There was no sign of that at all! But that’s so nice, a childhood friend romance... I’m jealous."

"That’s why I’m saying it’s not like that. I really only see him as a friend."

I’ve said this so many times it’s exhausting. And from Ren’s perspective, I get why it looks that way, but from mine... it’s completely different. After all, in my past life, I was a guy. My romantic interests were girls. No matter what, I can’t see Ren as anything more than a friend.

"Hmm... Could it be she’s really not aware of it?"

"Is that even possible? But it’s Sumi-chan, so..."

They whispered to each other, casting side glances at me. It seems like girls around this age all love talking about romance, but when I’m the topic, it’s just plain exhausting.

Then, Sakuma-san nodded with a serious expression, as if she had made up her mind about something. She stared into my eyes with quiet intensity before finally opening her mouth to speak.

"Onodera-san, what kind of presence is Shimada-kun to you?"

I blinked, caught off guard by the sudden question.

"Huh? Where's this coming from...? He's just a friend, though."

'Friend.'
There’s nothing more or less than that. Or at least, that’s what I told myself.

"Not like that. I mean, more specifically — is he someone who comforts you in daily life, or something like that?"

"That’s... embarrassing to say out loud."

"It’s fine. Just think of it as a simple psychological test."

No, it's not fine. Even if he’s not here, saying this kind of thing seriously is painfully awkward.

But looking at the faces of the two girls in front of me, I knew they wouldn’t let me escape.

I hesitated, feeling my heart race in my chest.
What kind of presence is Ren to me...?

"Hmm... Someone who’s fun to be with, I guess. And someone I feel at ease talking to."

"I see. And?"

"Uh... we’re just on the same wavelength. We can talk naturally, and even when we're quiet, it doesn’t feel uncomfortable."

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how true it was.

"It’s like... I don’t have to pretend around him. Even if we sit in silence, it’s never awkward. If I randomly mutter something, he always responds, somehow."

The words tumbled out before I could stop them, each one sinking heavily into my chest.

There’s a quiet security in being beside him — like being wrapped in a soft, invisible warmth.
A sense of belonging that feels almost... like family.

Just being in the same room makes me feel at peace.
Like everything will be okay, as long as he’s there.

After hearing my answer, Sakuma-san leaned in, her gaze sharp but gentle, as if she were carefully unraveling a thread.

"Well then, I’ll ask you a few questions, like the ones you often see on the internet. Answer properly and seriously, without hiding anything, okay?"

"Y-yeah..."

I wonder what kind of questions these will be. She said it’s a psychological test, so maybe it's one of those common online quizzes, like 'Find Out Who You Truly Love!' or something equally suspicious.

"Do you ever think about him during your free time or in casual moments?"

Hmm... well, he already occupies the majority of my life plans. That much is undeniable. If he doesn't like me, I’ll be in trouble, so thinking about him during my downtime is practically necessary.

"Uh, well... maybe? Probably."

"Specifically?"

"Huh? Uh..." I scrambled to find a less suspicious answer. "I always help him study, so I think about how I can teach him in a way that’s easier to understand next time. Or, like, when I read a novel, I wonder if Ren might like it too... things like that."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kanna-chan smirk, her gaze dripping with mischief. She was definitely misunderstanding something.

"I see..." Sakuma-san nodded, her expression unreadable. "Let’s move on to the next question. Do you ever notice his small gestures, what he’s looking at, or his subtle movements?"

I paused. My fingers instinctively curled around the hem of my skirt.

"......Yeah."

It’s like reconnaissance. It’s only natural to observe the other person. There’s nothing strange about that.

"Do you ever find yourself following him with your eyes?"

"That... I don’t know, but maybe...?"

If I see a friend, it's normal to notice them a little. Anyone would do the same. That’s how it should be... right?

"Hmm. And do you ever dwell on his casual remarks for a long time?"

"........................Yeah."

That’s... because he’s the first real friend I’ve made. I’m scared of losing him. My heart is fragile... it can’t be helped. It’s not weird, right?

"Do you ever try to present yourself in the best light around him?"

At that, the memory of the fireworks festival surged through my mind — the moment he told me I looked cute, the warmth of our hands intertwined. The way my heart soared when he praised me...

For some reason, my chest tightened.

Ah! No, no. That’s not it.

This is all part of the plan. It’s not because I like Hasu or anything. It’s just... a means to an end, a purely self-serving thought.

"There is... but this is a little... different, I think. I can't really explain it."

She smiled, her expression unreadable, and briefly glanced at Kanna-chan beside her before resuming her barrage of questions.

"Do you feel like his replies on LINE are strangely slow?"

"Yeah."

"Do you get restless waiting for his responses?"

"...........Y-yeah."

Because he’s an important friend... someone precious to me...

Without realizing it, my hands had wrinkled my skirt, fingers trembling against the fabric. And for some reason, I couldn’t meet her gaze. With every question, my eyes lowered bit by bit, as if retreating from something I wasn’t ready to face.

"Do you ever feel like kissing him? Or wanting to be held by him?"

"I don't know… I've never thought about that kind of thing."

"Then try imagining it."

Sakuma-san was saying something ridiculous. Why would I imagine that? Just thinking about it feels wrong. It’s not like we’re lovers. It’s shameless. It’s completely inappropriate. Yeah, there's no way I should think about something like that.

…

Ren and I, kissing… I shouldn't picture it, but once the thought enters my mind, I can't stop it.

In Ren’s room, just the two of us. He leans over me as I lie on the bed. His fingers intertwine with mine, pinning me down. His face inches closer. The space between us disappears. I can feel his breath—warm, steady. And then…

"I might not hate it…"

"You're already in love with him, aren’t you?"

The words slipped out before I even realized it.

Kanna, quick to pick up on it, teased me. I kept my gaze down, unable to see her expression, but I could easily picture the mischievous grin on her face.

"No, it’s not like that… It’s complicated. That doesn’t mean I like him or anything."

"Hmm… Well then, you wouldn’t mind if I started dating Shimada-kun, right?"

The moment I opened my mouth to protest, her tone changed—cold, detached.

For a second, I didn’t understand what she had just said. My thoughts froze. My body stiffened.

"Huh?"

"Well, I've felt close to him for a long time and always found him interesting. He’s a good person in a lot of ways."

"……"

"If you're not really interested, Sumi-chan, then I don’t have to hold back anymore, right?"

My head snapped up before I even realized it, searching Kanna-chan’s face. But her expression was unreadable—calm, almost indifferent.

Something inside me shifted. The warmth burning in my body just moments ago vanished, replaced by a cold, sinking feeling. My hands trembled. It was as if the core of my being had been hollowed out in an instant.

Kanna-chan… with Ren?

"……No."

The word slipped out before I could think. It wasn’t something I decided to say—my mouth had just moved on its own.

"Hm?"

"That’s… no."

"Why?"

"Because… Ren is mine."

The words tumbled out, raw and unfiltered. My mind had gone blank, yet my hands clenched into fists, trembling so hard I could feel my nails pressing into my skin.

"Oh ho? Well, aren’t you passionate?"

But the moment she said it in her usual tone, reality crashed back into me.

Wait—what? Oh no. Huh?! What did I just say?

A wave of panic surged through me. I had definitely blurted out something outrageous. It must have been because I was flustered after having that ridiculous fantasy. My emotions got all tangled up, and my brain just… short-circuited. That had to be it.

"A-Ah, no! That’s not what I meant! It’s not like that!"

Ren is just someone I put so much effort into raising! And he’s supposed to support me in the future!

…Wait. Doesn’t that sound even worse?!

Desperately, I scrambled for an excuse to clear up the misunderstanding, but before I could get another word out, the chime signaling the end of lunch break rang.

Ah… No. This is all wrong…….

She definitely still misunderstood me………..

---

In the end, I never got the chance to explain, and before I knew it, the school day was over.

If I tried to clear things up now, I’d just get teased even more. Yep—this was what you’d call a dead end.

As I packed up to head home, still feeling unsettled, Ren suddenly appeared beside my desk.

"Can we walk home together today?"

…!!??

Wait. Ren—who has never, not even once, invited me himself—is asking me this today? Is the sky about to rain spears or something?!

I could feel Kanna-chan and Sakuma-san sneaking glances at me, stifling their laughter. Of course, they found this hilarious.

Terrible timing. Absolutely the worst.

And yet… for some reason, I couldn’t help but feel happy.

---

"It's rare for you to come to me like this today."

We walked side by side toward the bus stop at a leisurely pace. When I glanced over, I noticed Ren fiddling with his earlobe—the hand that wasn’t carrying anything. He kept opening his mouth like he wanted to say something, only to close it again.

A small smile crept onto my lips.

"Are you planning something weird? …Pervert."

"What?! Of course not! What are you even saying?!"

The moment I teased him, his face turned bright red, and he started panicking.

Oh my. He’s so cute.

Then, out of nowhere, Sakuma-san’s question from earlier popped into my head….

"I just wanted to apologize for what happened on Saturday. I'm really sorry for showing you something weird."

"Hmm? Oh, that? You’re still thinking about it? It's really not a big deal."

So that’s what had been on his mind. That’s why he was acting so awkward.

Even though I’d already told him I wasn’t bothered, it must have been weighing on him. Well… considering he’s a teenage boy, I guess it would feel like a life-or-death situation.

If I were in his shoes, I might want to disappear from existence too.

"Fuu~Fuu~ Could it be that you've been looking at me with a naughty gaze this whole time? So indecent~~"

"Hey, seriously, stop it."

When I teased him even more, Ren clutched his head, trembling. Then, out of nowhere, he muttered, "Realize it already..." before flicking me on the forehead—hard.

"Oww! What was that for?! And what do you even mean by 'realize it'?"

I rubbed my forehead, pouting. But then, something clicked. Just a little.

Strangely, I hadn’t felt disgusted about what happened on Saturday. Normally, I should have, but… I didn’t.

Which could only mean one thing.

Until now, I had always looked away from it. But after everything today—even my friends scolding me—there was no avoiding it anymore.

I turned to stare at Ren’s profile. He must have felt my gaze because he looked back at me, our eyes meeting.

That was all it took.

My chest filled with warmth, yet at the same time, it ached unbearably.

…It’s because I like you. That’s all there is to it.

I didn’t know if it was as a friend, as family, or something more. I wasn’t brave enough to figure that out yet.

But before worrying about what it meant or what would happen next… I just knew I wanted to stay by his side.

So, for now, I’d stop overthinking and go with the flow.

That was enough.