Chapter 49: 3-2

Harry was so dejected it felt as though there had never been a Hallowe’en quite this miserable. The Potter siblings had been left behind, watching as everyone else set off for Hogsmeade.

Harry felt the weight of responsibility. If only he hadn't lost his temper with Aunt Marge, Maria wouldn't have to suffer this lack of freedom... though that didn't mean he would ever forgive those foul insults.

"Harry? I don't mind at all, so let's go get some pumpkin pie."

"But... Maria..."

"There will be plenty of other chances."

Thinking of the mischievous twins and the Marauder’s Map, I took Harry’s hand. In the Common Room and the corridors, both decked out for Hallowe’en, there was hardly a third-year to be seen.

"Harry?"

It was Professor Lupin who called out to us in the corridor leading to the courtyard. Still holding hands, Harry and I turned around simultaneously.

""Hello, Professor Lupin.""

"Oh, ah... hello."

Looking a bit taken-ablock, Professor Lupin then gave a gentle smile. He asked why we were here when everyone else had gone to Hogsmeade. One thing led to another, and we found ourselves being invited to his office for tea, greeted by the same restless Grindylow as before.

"Is tea alright? I only have tea bags. But I expect you’re quite sick of tea leaves by now?"

We giggled at Professor Lupin’s playful wit.

"You two—you really are very close, aren't you?"

"I am Harry’s older sister, after all."

"And I am Maria’s older brother."

""It’s only natural to look after one’s sibling.""

When we performed our twin-unison act, Professor Lupin let out a hearty laugh. Wiping a tear of mirth from his eye, he asked, "So, who actually is the eldest?" I could tell by his expression that he had known the answer for a long time.

"Well. I’m surely the older sister, aren't I, little brother?"

"I’m the older brother, little sister."

"My brother is so stubborn."

"I could say the exact same to you, sister."

As we traded jests, Professor Lupin’s smile turned into a look of bewilderment.

"...Do you mean to say you truly don't know?"

"We don't. Aunt Petunia would never tell us."

"But it’s fine this way."

"Regardless of who came first, the fact that we are siblings doesn't change."

"So, I don't think we need an answer for now."

"Right, Maria?"

"Right, Harry."

As we nodded firmly, Professor Lupin narrowed his eyes, looking at us as if we were something radiant.

"I see. ...That is a very good way to be."

Harry tilted his head curiously at the deep affection coming from someone who was supposed to be just a teacher.

"—Um, Professor. May I ask something?"

It was Harry who spoke up. Hesitantly, he asked about the lesson with the Boggart.

"If Maria hadn't stepped in then, you would have stopped it anyway, wouldn't you? Why—"

"I assumed that if you faced the Boggart, it would turn into Voldemort."

At that, Harry looked at me worriedly. —Ah, I thought so. Harry knew.

"But, I—"

"Harry’s fear was a Dementor, wasn't it?"

I finished the thought for him as Harry struggled to find the words. Professor Lupin’s eyes widened with deep emotion.

"Harry, so your fear is—fear itself."

Knock, knock. The conversation was cut short by a rap at the door. It was Professor Snape, carrying the Wolfsbane Potion.

Snape knit his brows in displeasure at the sight of Harry and Lupin together (granted, they're always knit, but even more so now!). Realizing that where Harry was, I—Maria—was also present, he instantly looked away.

Well, I suppose from Snape’s perspective, this scene looked like my mother, my father, and my father’s old friend all gathered together... no wonder he wanted to look away. Even knowing that, a simmering anger rose within me.

Lupin, likely having come to the same realization, gave a wry smile while thanking Snape. Harry watched with great interest as Lupin drank the clearly poisonous-looking Wolfsbane Potion; sensing Lupin wouldn't want to be scrutinized, I took Harry and moved to leave.

"Oh, wait. Maria, I’d like a word. Harry, may I borrow your sister for a moment?"

"...Just me?"

"May I not stay?"

As we stopped simultaneously, Lupin’s expression softened, but his voice was firm.

"Just Maria."

"...Harry, go on ahead."

"Maria."

"I have a favor to ask. Could you wrap up some treats from the Great Hall and give them to Crookshanks? Especially chicken—lots of it. Oh, it’s not for Crookshanks to eat. You see, Crookshanks has a secret friend lately. He must be hungry. Crookshanks will be fine; that cat is actually quite strong."

"...Is that secret friend your friend too, Maria?"

"...Yes."

"I see."

Harry smiled softly, placed a hand on my cheek, and gently bumped his forehead against mine.

"Make sure you introduce us properly later. Your friends are my friends."

"Yeah. You’ll love him, Harry. I'm certain of it."

Thanking Harry for his kindness in not prying further, I saw him out. As I closed the door and turned back—Professor Lupin’s eyes were shimmering with melancholy.

"...Harry takes after his mother. And you—"

"Take after my father?"

Lupin only smiled.

"Is Harry precious to you?"

"Of course. Do you think I wouldn't cherish the only family I have left?"

"Ah—yes, quite right. I suppose you would."

"...What is it you’re trying to say, Professor Lupin?"

Lupin seemed to be choosing his words with great care, and then he let out a slow breath.

"—I felt that the way you two are is... precarious."

—Precarious?

"During the Boggart lesson, you shielded Harry, didn't you? I’m told that similar things have happened many times before. ...You do not hesitate to sacrifice yourself for Harry’s sake."

"That's not—"

"To you, it might feel natural. You simply want to protect your only family—that’s all. However..."

Lupin looked at me—into my eyes—with steady conviction.

"Your devotion is... very dangerous."

I was speechless.

Devotion? Self-sacrifice? No. It wasn't something with such a beautiful surface. It was something much more murky—nothing more than self-gratification.

"...I will keep that in mind."

Leaving only a formal word of thanks, I exited the room. I felt as if the swelling stagnation inside me was about to explode—I wanted to see him, but I hesitated, knowing the shadow of a girl was by his side.

Before, I hadn't cared a bit about being alone with him. I didn't care how it looked to others. But I had been forced to realize that even if we intended to be just friends, we would be seen as 'man and woman.'

"Draco..."

"What?"

A voice I didn't expect to hear came from behind me, making me spin around exaggeratedly. Draco stood there, looking exasperated, waving a piece of communication parchment.

"You're the one who told me to get into the habit of checking this."

I pulled a four-folded piece of parchment from my robe pocket; the words 'Where are you now?' were faintly visible.

"How..."

"I saw Harry walking alone, which is rare. When I asked where your sister was, he said she was talking privately with Remus Lupin."

"...So you came looking for me on purpose?"

"...You’ve been unstable since the start of this year. I know the reason why. ...When I heard you were having tea with one of the causes, I got worried."

At Draco’s blunt confession, I ran and hugged him. He caught me easily, and I felt a pang of frustration realizing the height difference had grown even more, just like with Harry. Frustrating—and yet, wonderful.

I’m sorry, Astoria. I swear I will never get in your way—so please, just for now, forgive me.

"Why aren't you in Hogsmeade anyway?"

"Is there any need to go at this point?"

"Harry would be so jealous if he heard that."

"He looked at me as if he were questioning my sanity when we met. It was quite nostalgic."

We went outside, sat on a bench, and laughed. I didn't even mind the cold.

"And you? Was everything alright with Lupin?"

"Alright... hmm, well, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't."

His beautiful brows, the same color as his hair, furrowed, so I hurried to continue.

"It’s not about anything between the Professor and me. It’s just—am I too soft on Harry?"

"Where did that come from? You practically dote on him."

"Dote, huh..."

I crossed my arms. Even Draco saw it that way.

"Then, am I kind to Harry?"

"—No."

Draco frowned and gave a flat denial.

"It’s different from being kind."

"..."

I found myself staring at his face. Draco looked back with a cool expression, as if to say, 'So what?' I swallowed to moisten my dry throat.

"Right—yes, you’re exactly right. I’m not kind to Harry at all. —I just want to be kind to myself."

I looked away from him, hunching my shoulders.

"I’m just doing the things I wanted someone to do for 'me.' Little me never had a 'good morning' or 'good night.' There were no kisses hello. When I caught a cold, I was isolated; I couldn't even imagine someone holding my aching body. —I have no memory of being told I was loved."

Hunched over, I hugged my own arms. I felt incredibly small.

"I wanted someone to shield me. I wanted someone to say Harry was more important than Dudley. I wanted more presents than Dudley. I wanted to be loved unconditionally. I wanted an absolute certainty so I never had to feel anxious. —But there was no one. There was no 'Maria' for 'me'."

"Pitiful, isn't it? Pathetic? I just want to comfort the little me through Harry. What was it called? Hermione—my Hermione—told me once... in some Muggle study, they call this kind of psychology 'inner child care.' Harry is just being used by the ghost of the 'me' that is Harry. ...Truly, how pitiful."

I spat the words out with self-mockery. How—how pitiful I/Harry am.

"Is that why you come to me instead of Granger or Weasley?"

"—Because! They are Harry's best friends! There was no Maria in our friendship! I don't want to see Ron or Hermione making someone other than 'me' their best friend. I can't forgive that! I don't want them to put 'Maria' inside that circle of three!"

I intended to vent the bubbling stagnation, but it only smoldered in my throat, refusing to disappear. Draco let out a small sigh at me, like I was a child throwing a tantrum.

"Honestly... Maria, you’re an idiot."

"...I know."

I agreed weakly. I was incredibly foolish.

"I don't know what Lupin said to you—but regardless of what you think about Harry, it doesn't change the fact that you, Maria, love him. And that certainly reaches him. ...In my opinion, that’s enough."

"...You think so?"

"Yeah. Whether it’s self-satisfaction or hypocrisy, the Harry of this world knows the love of a family. That’s thanks to you. ...Maybe you won't have to worry about being a bad father just because you didn't know your own?"

Being teased about a past argument we’d had about parents, the tension left me and I burst out laughing.

"Even if you feel guilty about loving Harry, it has nothing to do with him. He hasn't even considered such a thing. You’re wasting your time regretting it."

"What’s that? Ahaha, if I could think in terms of 'profit and loss,' I wouldn't be struggling."

"When you're tired, you should just think about what’s profitable for you."

Hearing those words, so typical of Draco Malfoy—who had lived and suffered in a world of pure advantage—I finally took a deep breath.

"I see. Yeah, maybe you're right. ...I feel better."

"Glad to hear it."

Draco slapped my back as I straightened up. Somehow, I knew that was his way of encouraging me and hiding his embarrassment.

"...Don't avoid me."

"Hmm?"

"You told me not to hold back because of Astoria. ...Then you shouldn't hold back with me either. If it’s inconvenient, I’ll refuse, and I’ll choose for myself whether to prioritize Astoria or not. You should just keep bossing me around like you always do, without overthinking. For someone so selfish, this sudden, misguided consideration doesn't suit you. You’ll only end up failing. That’s who you are, Potter."

Having been challenged to such a clumsy fight, I couldn't help but grin.

"You’re the only one I can talk about 'Potter' things with, after all. —As you wish, I won't let go of you, even if you get sick of me."

"You seem to have forgotten, but you’re the only one I can talk about 'Malfoy' things with, too. Don't think you can run away from me. You know how persistent snakes are, don't you? Potter, the Hero."

We gave each other a light shove and then laughed like idiots.

I really do—need you. My Draco.