Chapter 117: Know defeat, understand our feelings, and run high, cruel fairy. Shake off everything and soar.

After the mock race ended, I somehow found myself lying in bed in my room.

“…Huh?”

What did I talk about with Tomio? I feel like Angely-chan said something to me. Kayf Tara-san should’ve spoken to me too.

When I opened the messaging app and checked my chat with Tomio, there was a simple note: “Day off tomorrow. Kayf Tara prep starts the day after.”

“…………”

Uh… what did Tomio say again? I think he told me, “It was just a mock race, don’t let it get you down.” Normally, his words would sink right into my chest. But now, they just go in one ear and out the other. I feel so… hazy.

How do I beat Kayf Tara-san? I might be spiraling from thinking about it too much.

It’s true—I was careless. She seized on that mental opening and landed a massive counter. The moment she entered the “Unknown Zone,” I knew there was a gap between our resolve. Physically, our differences came down to things like top speed and stamina reserves. But in the end, that five-length gap came from mental strength. From willpower.

And that’s exactly why I don’t get it. Could just a bit of carelessness really create such a huge, decisive difference? I don’t know. I have to think more. Why I lost to her. I need to dig deeper—much deeper.

“…………”

The more I thought about it, the less I could find any answers. My fighting spirit was wearing away. I didn’t know what was right anymore, and even my desire to run was starting to wilt. It felt like something shapeless and dark was coiling inside me, eating away at my chest.

“Apollo-chan, let’s go get dinner now! …Huh? You’re not looking so good. Did something happen?”

“…………”

“Apollo-chan? Heeey, Apollo-chan who loooves her trainer~?”

“…………”

“Hmm… this is serious. And just when Guriko-chan is about to arrive too. What’s going on with you?”

El-chan poked at my cheek as I sat slumped on the bed like a doll. I was grateful for her concern, but I really didn’t feel like talking to anyone right now. I didn’t really want to eat either… though, maybe I did. Just a little.

I slowly climbed out of bed and decided to head to the dining hall with El-chan.

“Apollo-chan, you’re barely eating or saying anything. Are you sure you’re okay…?”

“I’m totally fine.”

“But still… normally you’d pile on pasta and pizza like crazy, but today it’s just three slices of pizza, a big salad, and two carrot burgers! That’s definitely weird!”

I was barely eating today. Usually, I’d go for double or triple this menu. But now, I felt like this was enough. Maybe it was just the aftermath of the mock race. Even so, I wasn’t eating nearly enough. Just like El-chan said—I wasn’t acting normal. More than that, I was clearly down in the dumps.

I was glad Kayf Tara-san and Angely-chan weren’t in the dining hall. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I couldn’t even put into words what kind of aversion I felt, exactly.

“Oh, that’s right. Apollo-chan, didn’t you have a mock race today?”

“!”

Twitch. Just hearing the words “mock race” made my whole body flinch. Maybe El-chan picked up on something, because she suddenly stood up, saying, “Ah—I'll get some water!”

I didn’t realize I’d made my friend feel awkward until she was already out of sight.

“…Haa.”

—What am I so afraid of? Shouldn’t I be glad I got to see Kayf Tara-san go all out before the real thing? Or… what? Am I saying I wish I hadn’t seen it? That I shouldn’t have raced her in the first place?

“Ugh, seriously…”

I slapped my own cheek and almost, almost slammed my fist down somewhere—but stopped just in time. My brain screamed a red alert: Don’t do that. I couldn’t risk injuring myself. Not for the sake of everyone involved with me, not for the fans cheering me on.

But this is bad. Right now, my vision of defeat is so vivid, it’s outshining any hope I had for the future. The way I lost… was awful. To lose by five lengths, and still not have a concrete plan to overcome the mental gap—that’s given rise to a feeling I’ve never experienced before.

It wasn’t a poor race strategy, or a bad start, or any obvious tactical error. It came down to willpower. And when it’s a mental problem like that, there’s not much my trainer can do.

Which means, the reason I lost the mock race… isn’t something I can solve with Tomio. It’s something I have to figure out myself. I have to find the answer and clear away this murky fog in my heart.

I was frustrated with myself. Normally, my fighting spirit would flare up and push me to get back up. But now I couldn’t even muster the strength to struggle. A part of me was trying to give up. It was pathetic.

As I sighed over and over again, Chief Glide showed up in front of me.

“Hey. I watched your mock race.”

“…Chief.”

“…………?”

Her long hair swaying, Chief leaned forward and glanced at my face. Something about her cold, discerning eyes made me uncomfortable, and I instinctively looked away.

We didn’t speak. She just kept staring, and I kept trying to avoid her gaze. That strange standoff continued for several seconds—until she turned on her heel, visibly annoyed, and walked away.

“Eh? Um…”

As Chief strode off briskly, ears twitching in irritation, El-chan returned with a paper cup. She glanced between my stunned face and Chief’s simmering one, clearly confused, then sat across from me with a big question mark hanging over her head.

“What was that? Did you and Chief Glide-senpai have a fight or something?”

“…I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Well, if you say so…”

El-chan still looked suspicious, but quietly started eating her meal. Seeing her happily sprinkle hot sauce as usual and savor every bite lifted my spirits, if only a little.

And for a moment, I thought—maybe after a nice bath and curling up in bed, all my worries will vanish…

…but the next day, even with a day off, I couldn’t stop thinking about that mock race.

The next morning. I jolted awake after a terrible dream.

The dream was simple. The Gold Cup main race, at Ascot. Kayf Tara-san and Angely-chan were locked in a fierce battle for first place, while I, left in the dust, flailed helplessly—and faded to third or worse.

They say nightmares come when someone’s stressed or anxious. And I, carrying stress, anxiety, and fatigue, was no exception.

I wanted to go see my trainer right away and clear my head—but what good would that do? What’s done is done. I have to find the answer myself.

“…Guess I’ll go for a walk.”

It was early morning. While El-chan slept soundly, I put on my tracksuit and set off down the forest path in Chantilly.

A gloomy forest shrouded in mist. I wandered aimlessly over the dull, silver-toned earth. Carefully avoiding dew-soaked undergrowth, I climbed a small hill that broke the tree line. I thought I’d take a break, so I looked around for a stump to sit on—and realized I wasn’t alone. Two horse girls. Who were they?

As I absentmindedly approached, the voices became unmistakable. Wait—was that Chief and Charm-chan? What are they doing here?

“So, Chief-san, are you taking a break after this?—Oh. Behind you. Apollo Rainbow’s here.”

“Hm? …You’re right. Good morning, Apollo Rainbow. What a coincidence, running into you this early.”

"Good morning, Chief, Charm. Are you two doing morning training?"

"Something like that. Just because I'm not racing for a while doesn’t mean I can slack off."

Chief spoke with her usual frankness. After the Yorkshire Cup, she developed some issues with her legs and was ordered to take a break. It was announced she'd be resting through spring and summer, and she wouldn’t be ready in time for the Gold Cup or the Goodwood Cup. If her condition didn’t improve, she'd likely take the rest of the year off rather than push herself.

But the word “retirement” isn’t in her vocabulary. Until she defeats Kayf Tara and Angely and wins the Cartier Champion Stayer title—the best stayer in all of Europe—she refuses to stop running.

She didn’t seem angry like she was yesterday. In fact, maybe I imagined all that. As I approached her with that thought in mind, Chief’s expression suddenly changed.

"Don’t come any closer."

"Eh?"

"Looking at you right now makes me sick."

Her eyes were filled with scorn. Charm’s ears twitched back in shock, and she nervously stepped between us, flustered. Of course, I had no memory of doing anything to make Chief this angry. The sheer one-sidedness of her hostility made a sharp protest fly from my lips.

"...Did I do something wrong? I can’t accept this unless you give me a reason."

"A reason? A reason, huh... let’s see. Maybe it’s the fact that you’ve been moping around ever since you lost in a practice race?"

She said it with a sharp tongue, her gaze more piercing than anything. She’d hit me right where it hurt most, and I couldn’t stop the words forming in my throat from dying before they left my mouth.

"See? Even now. Just hearing it makes you shrink in such an uncharacteristic way. Why are you so utterly broken? It was just one loss in a mock race."

"——..."

Just a mock race. The way she said it rubbed me the wrong way. But I couldn’t argue. I hadn’t even lost a real race, yet I was breaking down like this. Honestly, it was almost comically self-destructive. Practice races are supposed to help you win the real ones.

And yet I couldn’t stop spiraling. Because my mental strength is weak. That’s how it always is when I get pushed. I fall apart from external pressure, and that only leads to worse results.

Chief leaned in, peering up at my face, like she was taunting me—no, disdaining me.

"Shall I spell it out for you? —You’ve gone soft. You’re disqualified as a representative of Japan."

“H-Hey, Chief! That’s way too far, no matter what!”

“Stay out of this, Charm. If we leave her like this, I might end up broken too. Tell me, Apollo Rainbow. Was everything you said in that documentary just a lie?”

"A... lie?"

That caught me off guard—more than anger, I just felt confused. Chief stepped out from behind Charm and walked toward me, step by step.

"You said it, didn’t you? After you beat me at the Yorkshire Cup. ‘I’ll keep chasing my dream,’ ‘I want to be the strongest stayer,’ ‘I’ll never give up’—weren’t those your words?"

“…………”

"Was all of that just a lie? Was your big speech just a bunch of hot air? That your dream was so weak, it could be shaken by two little losses—Dubai and a mock race?"

“——…!! Of course not!!”

That line of hers stepped right across the line. I couldn’t hold it back. My rage exploded before I could rein it in, and I let it pour out with nowhere else to go.

That frustration that’s been stuck in my chest since yesterday, that fury so intense it feels like my nerves might snap, that itch deep inside I can’t even locate— I hurled all of it at Chief’s Glider.

"T-That dream’s not something that flimsy!! The dream of becoming the strongest stayer has been driving me forward for ten whole years!! No matter how painful, no matter how grueling the training was, I could handle it for the sake of that dream!! Even when my heart was about to break, that dream kept pushing me forward!!"

Yeah. It’s not just some weak dream. I don’t understand. Even I don’t get it. I don’t know what to do to win. That’s why I’m suffering like this. The key to beating Kayf Tara isn’t in more training—it lies somewhere completely different. That’s what makes it so damn hard. It’s driving me crazy.

The five-length gap in the mock race—was that a difference in mental strength? Or was it about how clear each of us was about our goals? No, it’s not just that. Back in Dubai, when I was unstable, it was just one length. Now, after both of us grew, it’s five. Sure, having a clear vision is important, but that alone can’t explain the gap.

In the Arima Kinen back in my classic year, I faced off against 15 tough opponents and barely scraped out a win. I’m not trying to rank people’s feelings, but I can’t believe Kayf Tara’s will alone outweighs the will of all 15 others. So yes, mental strength might be a factor, but it’s not the answer. I know the issue is with me—but even yesterday, I had no major mental or physical flaws. I’ve been thinking about it nonstop. Again and again and again. I’ve even asked the other me, but I still have no idea.

There’s no strategy that works.

Kayf Tara is unbeatable. Totally unbeatable.

She’s mercilessly strong. There is no strategy.

That’s what makes her the strongest stayer—Kayf Tara.

"But… Kayf Tara is just too strong… she’s too strong… I-I can’t beat her… No matter how hard I think, I realize there’s just no half-baked plan that would work against her! She’s the real strongest, and I… I’m just a weak filly…!! That dream of being the strongest stayer—it was never going to come true…!!"

I already knew it. I sensed it even before the race. After that crushing loss in the mock race, with not even a hint of a breakthrough in sight, I knew I had no shot in the Gold Cup—not against Kayf Tara, not against Angely.

My dream was already over. I just realized it a little early. Whether it was before or after the Gold Cup—it was bound to happen—

"—Bullshit."

"…What?"

"I said bullshit, didn’t I?!"

Suddenly, a dull thud echoed inside my skull. Heat bloomed in my cheek, and a shock rippled down my back. I blinked and came back to my senses—the cloudy sky stretched out above me. I was on the ground, staring up. When I lifted my upper body and looked at where I’d just been standing, I saw Chief’s Glider frozen mid-posture, fist extended. Beside her, Blushing Charm stood trembling, her hands frozen just above her shoulders.

Oh… I got hit—holding my aching cheek, I realized it vaguely. Before I could even summon the will to yell at her for punching me out of nowhere, Charm was already moving to stop Chief’s Glider, her whole body shaking.

"You lost twice—just twice—and you’re whining like a baby?!"

“You only lost, you say—?!”

“H-Hey, Chief! Please, seriously, that’s enough! If you hit her a second time, it’s really gonna be bad!! Please, just stop—”

“—Then tell me!!”

“How many times do you think we’ve lost until now?!”

“—……”

At that moment, time itself seemed to stop. A gust of wind swept through the forest of Chantilly, rustling everything in its path. Even Blushing Charm, who had been trying to restrain Chief’s Glider, was struck by the weight of her words. I couldn’t move either. What she said pierced something deep inside me. Chief’s Glider kept shouting.

“How many years do you think we’ve been losing?! To Double Trigger!! To Kayf Tara!! To you, Apollo Rainbow!! To all the other horse girls!! You’ve won more races than you’ve lost—you who even managed to beat me—and yet you dare make that face like you’re the only one who’s suffering?! You even act like you don’t want to fight anymore just because you’re scared of losing—don’t tell me that’s not a joke!! If Europe’s long-distance scene is going to be saved by someone like you, then to hell with it!!”

My whole body was trembling. Faced with the raw force of emotion welling up from within her, I could only blink in stunned silence. My body began to heat up, the heat crawling up my neck to my cheeks. In exchange for that fire inside, cold sweat began to seep out from my now-chilled skin.

“In Europe, there are horse girls who’ve given up on their own victories—devoted their entire racing careers to helping their teammates succeed!! And yet you, who came here as a representative of Japan, dare to call the setbacks on the way to the real race… a failure?! You’ve got to be kidding me—don’t screw around with me, Apollo Rainbow…!!”

A sting rushed up my nose, and hot tears welled in the corners of my eyes. Like a child, a pathetic hiccup slipped out. Part of it was from the shock and pain of being hit. I swallowed hard, as if trying to keep down the sobs and tears welling up inside. My chest tightened, and breathing became even harder.

Every word Chief’s Glider threw out, as if shaking my very soul, left me ashamed beyond measure. I regretted my own thoughts and actions so much it hurt.

“You’re talking about losing before you’ve even started to fight—then what the hell do you think that horse girl standing right in front of you is?! She wants to fight but can’t because of the instability in her legs!! A horse girl who runs not for her own win, but to help her teammates as a rabbit!! Don’t you dare mock us!! No matter how many times we’ve lost!! Even if we haven’t found a way to beat our rivals!! It’s because our dreams shine brighter than the pain that we push past our limits and keep fighting!!”

That’s right. I was about to do something unforgivable. I wasn’t even planning to face the Gold Cup with the intent to win. I was going to challenge it gripped by fear—I might lose, I might not be able to win—

Yes, it’s important to carry that kind of tension, the fear of losing. But to go as far as expecting my own defeat on the stage of a G1… that’s disqualifying myself as a competitor.

“You’re standing here in Europe as Japan’s representative!! Your weak-willed behavior reflects on the very rivals you fought alongside back home!! Are you really okay with that?! You’re the one trying to throw away the value of the race you once staked your life to win!! And it’s not just that!! You’re carrying the hopes of those you’ve defeated here in Europe—of those who can’t race in the Gold Cup due to injury!! Your fans, URA officials, your rivals, your friends, your family—everyone is praying for your success!! They believe Apollo Rainbow can change the long-distance scene in Europe!! They believe in your dream of becoming the strongest stayer, and they’re cheering for you with all their hearts!!”

Ah… I had even disrespected the very rivals I’d fought up until now. The path that led me to the Gold Cup was, in a way, a trail I’d forged by stepping over them. Because when eighteen horse girls enter the same race… only one gets to win, and the other seventeen have to swallow their tears.

The single winner carries the regrets of the other seventeen into the next stage. Only those who survive that repeated cycle of heartbreak get to stand on the G1 stage. The sixteen who’ve gathered at the Gold Cup all carry the hopes and dreams of those they’ve bested on their backs.

—What I lacked wasn’t a strong enough awareness of my own dream.

It was the responsibility and awareness that comes from defeating my rivals.

What I lacked—no, what I had forgotten—was that simple, undeniable truth. My mind had been consumed by the trauma of Dubai and the tension surrounding the Gold Cup, and I had forgotten the feelings of everyone I carried with me.

They were all rooting for me. The hopes of Lumos and Double Trigger. The look in Yates’ eyes. The calls with the gal group. The moments shared with fans. The everyday life I built up with Tomio. Every bit of it was filled with pure, unwavering support for me.

Why did I forget something so warm… so peaceful… so precious?

—And I stole everything from my rivals. Their dreams. Their efforts. Their hopes. Everything.

That’s what it means to take first place. The rest are all left as losers. It’s cold, it’s harsh, it’s cruel. But it’s also something the victor must carry. I should never have forgotten that. No wonder I lost to someone like Kayf Tara.

“You took our dreams, our hopes, our everything for your own dream… You beat me… and stole it all away…!”

Chief’s Glider’s words ended there. Tears spilled from her wide eyes, trailing down her cheeks.

“U-uuh… h-hic… waaah—idiot… you idiotttt…”

“…I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…! I’m sorry, Chief…! I’m so sorry…”

I held Chief’s Glider’s trembling shoulders as she collapsed to the ground—and coward that I was, I cried with her, letting all my tears flow. After a moment, Blushing Charm wrapped her arms around us, her shoulders shaking. Her eyes were downcast too, letting fall dull-colored tears like morning dew.

The girls’ sobbing continued. Along with my tears, I finally, truly washed away everything ugly inside me. My complacency. My tension. My tunnel vision. My toxic thought spirals—all of it dissolved into the morning dew of Chantilly. Chief’s Glider and Blushing Charm had poured out their regret, their sorrow—and all of that found a home in my heart.

A glow from the "Unknown Territory Zone" manifested around the three of us. The dull light spilling from the two girls’ eyes flowed into me. The grotesque single cherry tree drew up fragments of the two from the earth, embedding their presence into its branches—a complex light filled with hope and regret.

What I gained was the responsibility and pride of a victor. Fragmented impressions of a mental landscape, shaped imperfectly, holding the essence of the defeated. It was only a part of the passion those girls had built over time, yet it brought a real change to the lone cherry tree.

The name of Chief's Glider’s "Territory Zone" was—

WE NEVER GIVE UP!!

As the race entered its final stretch, everyone's hopes gave me a push from behind, and I picked up speed. I tucked that light carefully into my heart and slowly opened my eyes.

The sobbing had softened into gentle weeping. At the same moment, we raised our heads and shared a faint smile. It was as if the three of us had washed away our pasts with tears.

“…Apollo. You took my dream from me, so you have a responsibility to face Kayf Tara.”

“…Yes.”

“Remember. The races you've fought through. The feelings carried by your body. All your experiences will become your strength. I know how strong Kayf Tara is—that’s why I can say this: you’re strong. Losing to Kayf Tara once or twice won’t change that. Apollo Rainbow holds a strength equal to or greater than Kayf Tara’s—so believe in yourself! And if you keep sulking like this… I will ask your trainer out on a date, you hear!?”

“Eh!? Please don’t do that!”

Races and Tomio are two different things. No matter how much I owe him, he’s the one person I’ll never give up. Tomio is the source of my strength, after all.

…As if she’d overheard the voice in my heart, Chief gave me a wicked little grin. Then, clearing her throat to shift the mood, we naturally drew close and wrapped our arms around each other, forming a huddle.

“Kayf Tara expects something from Apollo Rainbow. If it were just about winning, Kayf Tara would never reveal her hand like that. She wants to defeat the real, undeniably strongest Apollo Rainbow. That’s why she exposed fangs she should’ve kept hidden until the main event—in a mock race, no less. She wanted to leave no doubt about her strength in the most dramatic way. …So Apollo, go show that arrogant Kayf Tara what’s what. I’ve seen enough of your losing face—it’s about time I saw hers.”

“—Yes!! Chief, Charm-chan, thank you so much!! I won’t lose!!”

“—That’s the spirit!!”

The moment Chief replied, the three of us stepped forward toward the center of the huddle. Our footsteps aligned perfectly—this is what it meant to walk in sync. The light within our hearts pulsed with a steady, comforting rhythm. The heartbeat that had stopped these past two days resumed, sending blood surging through my whole body.

After naturally breaking from our huddle—each of us hastily wiping away our tear-streaked faces—I headed off for a walk, while the other two returned to their adjustment routines.

“Hey, Charm, let’s get moving. We’ve got to keep up the training to make a faster comeback. Operation: Beat Kayf Tara, Angely, and Apollo Rainbow.”

“Yes!”

Charm-chan and Chief turned their backs and started down the hill. I stayed to see them off, at least until their silhouettes vanished. And I didn’t miss the moment when Chief glanced shyly back at me, scratching the back of her neck.

“—Hey, Apollo. Give it your all.”

“Yes! Thank you, Chief, for lighting a fire under me!”

“…I’m sorry I punched you. Violence isn’t okay, no matter what. I think I should be punished for it, so go ahead and report it to the student council. Tell them Chief’s Glider used violence.”

“That’s not happening.”

“…Huh?”

“…It was part of your guidance as my senior.”

“…Heh. Not a great joke, you softie.”

“Which one of us are you calling soft?”

“Whatever. Do what you want.”

With that final exchange, we parted as if nothing had happened.

When I looked up at the sky, the thick clouds had cleared. Brilliant sunlight now poured down from above.

I’ve only ever received from the people around me.

If I win the Gold Cup, maybe that’ll count as giving something back.

I don’t know the answer.

But there’s one thing I can do as an Uma Musume.

Win the Gold Cup. Keep chasing my dream.

And—never give up.