Chapter 6: I Wanted to Live and Change

"...So...why would you say something so self-destructive?"

"Well, you see..."

"Kusuri hasn't forgotten either! How you volunteered as bait back then! And that awful way you phrased it...!"

"About that..."

"You've always been like this...since forever...Seibetsu has this habit of never valuing herself properly..."

Guh...this is bad. I can't counter any of this, and the atmosphere's getting way too heavy. What do I do? If this continues, our happy resolution will be completely wasted.

"...Got it! The lie detector! This'll easily show whether she's telling the truth!"

"Mm-hmm, perfect, Rentarou! If it'll help Seibetsu-chan be honest...use it as much as you need?"

...Wait wait wait wait! Why are you blending into the conversation so smoothly (Hahari)? Sure, we did introductions earlier? But come on? Isn't this way too fast to be fitting in? You're assimilating like one of the original members...?!

Before I knew it, I was forced into a chair and what essentially became an interrogation began. Why not run away? With my physical abilities? Impossible. Besides, my body's still too fatigued to move much. I'm checkmated here.

Honestly, this is troublesome. I never thought I'd be questioned like this. Well, maybe I can gloss over it smoothly. Just evade like I always do, casually...

"Why don't you value yourself?"

There it is - first move checkmate! You kidding me? Damn, Kusuri-san coming in clutch. Seriously? This is absolutely the worst question. Ugh...fine. Dodging further would be tough anyway, plus everyone's dead serious. Back then, I only had to fool Rentarou...but with this many people? No way. I hate this. I know they'll get mad when they hear it...that's why I didn't want to say it...!

---

"Because...I don't consider my own life...to have much value."

『True! True!』

"The detector says true...You...!"

"[This statement is not chuunibyou delusions]"

"You...! Why?! You've always been like this! Why...why won't you treasure yourself?!"

"........."

This always happens. Sometimes Rentarou seriously confronts me like this. But I've got nothing to say. Even with the Family here, nothing changes. Get scolded a bit, and it's over. Today, and from now on...!

"...Is this because of those 'past life memories' you mentioned before?"

"...! That...is...correct..."

『True! True!』

No way. I never thought he'd expose that. Luckily they don't know the details, but revealing the existence of those "memories" that shaped my personality...Rentarou's serious. He's determined to settle this today.

"Past life memories?!"

"[Only heard in fiction]"

"Past lives are unrealistic, possibly hallucinations...no, never mind."

"What do you mean, Rentarou?!"

"Exactly what it sounds like...Seibetsu has...memories of a past life."

"...That's right."

『True! True!』

"The lie detector's been working perfectly...!"

"Thinking back, it explains everything. Risking danger despite your weak constitution. Constantly changing expressions to match emotions, yet...only treating death like it's someone else's problem. Like...your danger-response brakes are broken."

"Hey Seibetsu...aren't you scared?! Of getting hurt...of dying?!"

"What are you saying, Rentarou?! Everyone's scared of that!"

"Dumbass! Of course I'm scared too..."

『Lie! Lie!』

Ugh. This detector's such a pain. Won't even let me gloss over things. Give me a break.

"...I'm not scared."

『True! True!』

"Then what?! Do you seriously think you'll get another life like this?! Is that why you...!"

"...I don't think that."

『True! True!』

I hate this...you're making those faces. What are you even feeling? Hey, Rentarou. Everyone else too. Are you angry? Sad? Shocked? What's with those expressions?

"Then why...?! I don't get it...! What you're suffering over! How we can fix it! Even if we can't solve it now...at least let us know your pain...! We're...lovers and...best friends, aren't we...?"

...I lost. The fact that I made you say all this... I'm not just a bad friend—I'm a failure of a best friend. Even though we understand each other so well that we can tell what the other’s thinking without words. And yet, you had to say this much to me. I... I didn't even realize I was cornering you like this.

Well, of course. After all, you’ve been helping those girls through all their pain and struggles, but you couldn’t even save me—the one who's been with you from the start.

"………I’m already someone who died once. I shouldn’t even be here… I shouldn’t be alive at all. So… it’s fine. You don’t have to worry about me. This is just a second life I lucked into. Even if I drop dead right now… it’s only natural."

That’s right. That’s me. I’ve never cared if I died at any moment. So even if no one values me—

"It’s NOT fine! It’s NOT fine AT ALL! How could it possibly be fine?!"

"It IS! My life already ended once! A dead man shouldn’t get priority! Someone like me… someone like me shouldn’t matter more than people who are actually alive! I should’ve died back then! I should die right now—!!!"

"...So that’s… your real feeling."

"Yeah! That’s all there is to it! That’s the truth! There’s nothing else!"

Right. I shouldn’t be alive. Everyone else deserves to live more than me. I don’t matter. If needed, I could disappear right this second—!

"Then… then why are you crying, Seibetsu?!"

"...Hah? What’re you talking about, Rentarou? I’m not crying… Huh? Weird. It’s not even raining, but… my clothes… are wet…"

"You don’t really believe that, do you?! That you shouldn’t be alive, that you deserve to die?!"

"Shut up! I do believe it!"

『True! True!』

See? The lie detector doesn’t lie. That’s proof I really feel this way! Yeah, I genuinely believe it. I’m not worth saving! So why… why are you looking at me like that? With eyes so certain, so unwavering…?!

"Then… you don’t want to believe it, do you?! That you… deserve to die…!"

"……! Th… that’s not… that’s not it!"

『Lie! Lie!』

"Uh… does she want to believe it or not…?"

"The negation of the negation of the negation. Two negatives cancel out, so it's the negation of 'wanting to believe.' Meaning, she doesn’t want to believe it."

"Hey… why are you forcing yourself to think like that? Is it… your parents?"

How’d you figure that out…?! Damn, that’s scary! But I guess it’s process of elimination… Once you knew I was hiding something, it was only natural to dig there…!

"...Fine. I’ll tell you everything."

And so, I started talking about my parents.

They died in a traffic accident.

Back then, I was just a kid. We’d gone shopping at a nearby supermarket. On our way back, it happened—a truck, billowing white smoke, came barreling toward us, out of control. No driver inside. The slope, the heavy cargo, the loose brakes… everything lined up perfectly for it to crash right into us.

My parents shielded me.

I survived. A miracle.

They didn’t.

...Yeah. I guess it’s a pretty ordinary story. But I couldn’t see it that way. That’s all.

I should’ve died that day.

If they hadn’t tried to protect me… maybe they would’ve lived.

But I got a second life? And I walked away unharmed? That’s wrong. My parents only got one life. We don’t even know if they had a second chance. So why… why was I the only one saved?

It’s my fault they died like that.

"That’s why… someone like me… has no right to live so carelessly."

『True! True!』

"So I… want to die…!"

『Lie! Lie!』

What the hell? Why? Why does some part of me want to live? Don’t screw with me. Don’t screw with me—!!

"This damn…! Why?! Why do I want to live?! I don’t deserve to! I’m just a mistake that shouldn’t be here! Everything would work fine without me! Even if I disappeared… it wouldn’t matter…!"

...Ah.

I’ve said it.

The ugly feelings that’ve been festering inside me all this time.

"...Did you get it all out?"

"……Mostly. There’s still a little left."

Rentarou takes a step closer.

What’s he gonna do? Is he mad? I don’t know. For once, I can’t tell what he’s thinking.

It’s scary.

This is the first time I’ve felt like this.

Before I realize it, his face is right in front of mine.

Ah… I’m sorry… don’t…!

"...I’m not angry. You don’t have to be scared."

I was being held — gently, but firmly — by a strong body. It felt so comforting, so safe. Maybe it was because I was still exhausted, but right now, I couldn’t bring myself to resist. Damn it... I wanna hug him back... no, that’s not it. Quit it, seriously. I’m covered in blood and mud, you know. Even if you’ve gotten wet too, you’re gonna get dirty if you keep this up! You don’t have to... you don’t have to dirty yourself for my sake...!

"It's okay... it's okay..."

Rentarou, completely ignoring my inner turmoil, gently patted my head and back at a steady rhythm.

Ah... damn it. I’m done for. He got me. This is bad. Seriously bad. If I stay like this, I'm gonna get swept away. I know it. Because if it's him, he can do it. He will do it.

No one knows that better than me, who’s been watching from right beside him all this time. He’s the kind of guy who slips right into the deepest parts of you and gives you the exact words you needed most. And if I hear them... my resolve will falter. I’m already on shaky ground as it is. If I hear him say it... I...

"...There's no such thing as a world where it's okay if you're not around. There's no way you should die. You have a reason to live. And if you need a reason, I'll give you as many as you want... okay?"

"Just the fact that you're alive... makes me, and everyone in the family, happy...!"

No good. That’s the end. If someone says something like that to me, I’ll never be able to wish for death again. That’s right. Deep down, that’s what I wanted to hear. Even though I kept hurting myself, telling myself I didn’t deserve to live. I wanted someone to stop me from living like that. But until now, I could never say it. Because it’s embarrassing, right? Asking someone to help you.

...Wait, didn’t I say it pretty often? Like, wasn’t I practically always screaming "Help me, Rentarou!"? Well, you know, that’s different. That was more like temporary emergencies, you know? This is something else. I mean... when it comes to something that shakes the very core of who you are... it’s hard to put into words, but... asking for help seriously, from the bottom of your heart, just feels so... humiliating, you know?

But... after seeing so many people get genuinely saved by Rentarou, right there up close... well... I guess... I got a little jealous. Can you blame me!? There’s no one else out there who can pull off such perfect communication like he does! That’s why... it’s not my fault I ended up really wanting help too! It’s Rentarou’s fault! Yeah, it’s totally because he’s way too good of a guy! He’s way too damn cool!

"That's why... Kawaru Seibetsu...! Don't ever say you want to die again...!"

Still holding me close, Rentarou pulled back slightly to look at me. Oh, come on. You say all this cool stuff, and now you’re about to cry? Well, I’m already a complete mess, bawling my eyes out.

"...Okay... I won't... say it anymore..."

"Really! Really!"

"And one more thing. Promise me! You're scared, aren’t you...? That if something happens again, the people around you might die!"

"...!"

"Don't worry! I won't let anyone die ever again. Not you, not the people you care about — no one! Even if it costs me my life... I'll protect them all!"

"...No way."

The second I heard that, I turned my head sharply to the side and puffed out my cheeks in protest. No way. I don’t want that. Ugh, Rentarou, you big dumbass. I was just about to get swept along nicely, and you go and say that. This is why love monsters are the worst. Well, okay, I get that it’s just a figure of speech, and picking apart his words would be lame, but still.

"You have to live too! You have to stay with everyone... and with me, forever!"

"If you’re gonna tell me not to die... then you can’t say you’ll trade your life either. No matter how impossible it seems, you gotta survive. You have to make it through anything, live through it, and act like nothing ever happened. ...And I’ll help you with everything I've got."

"If it’s a promise, then it’s okay to be a little greedy, right?"

"...!! Yeah, I promise — whoa!?"

"Heh... I win!"

The moment I finished talking, I lunged at Rentarou with everything I had, tackling him to the ground. Gotcha, dumbass. I’ve been waiting for this! Ever since he hugged me, this was the plan!

Still straddling Rentarou’s stomach, I leaned in close and stole his lips. Hell yeah, nailed it.

Victory is mine. Think long and hard about why you lost, and maybe you'll figure something out by tomorrow. Well then — time to dig in.

"Mmph!? Mmmphhh!?"

"Hah... hah...! Come on! I'm just getting started...!"

"This is the happy ending... right?"

"Most likely. Judging by the situation, I don't think there's any mistake."

"That’s not how someone who's out of stamina is supposed to move!!"

"My, my... how aggressively bold...!"

"Oh my, oh my, oh my~~~!!"

"[An extra hero going all out is a real handful, it seems.]"

I timed it perfectly with his breathing and went in for another kiss. You’re not getting away. I know all your tricks, Rentarou. Every time you take a breath, you tense up just a little, don’t you? I can see right through you...! After spilling all those secrets earlier, I’m gonna keep this up and smother you with affection...!

"—Mmph! Phaaah! I... I'm so happy I could die...!"

"Phew...! Hah... hah...! Alright... I've repaid the favor for making my heart race... hah..."

"Ugh...! Ah...!"

After finishing the kiss, I collapsed to the ground with a thud. Damn it. The backlash from overexerting myself...!

"Kawaru Seibetsu collapsed!?"

"Could it be some kind of illness!?"

"Y-Yeah... I guess... launching myself into the air, tackling him, and doing a non-stop kissing combo was... way too much after all...!"

"This isn't some Kaioken technique, you know!"

---

"Hey... you. Why didn’t you like being called by your first name?"

"Now that you mention it, it’s true... Seibetsu, you’ve always used somewhat distant language with us too."

"...Mind if I continue from where I left off about my parents?"

"[The hidden secret behind the true name is about to be revealed...!]"

Up until now, I didn’t want anyone stepping into that part of me, so I kept it hidden. I avoided it by asking everyone to call me by my family name. But now... I can finally say it. My name — "Kawaru" — was a precious gift from my parents. They named me that with the hope that I would be "someone who can change freely into anything."

But... I failed. I couldn't change. I thought I'd finally transform myself in this second life, but I stayed weak. Still the same powerless person, unable to accomplish anything. I couldn’t even save my parents. I couldn’t do anything great.

Change into anything? Don’t make me laugh. I look like a girl even though I'm a guy, but I couldn’t even fully become a girl either. Stuck in between, unable to become anything at all. How could someone like that ever hope to change?

"...That's why... I didn’t want anyone calling me by this name. It's a name too grand, too noble... for someone like me who couldn’t change."

"Then let’s start from now on. Let’s work to change, little by little, so you can become whatever you want to be, however you want to be!"

"But... can I really...?"

"...You already have, haven’t you? Before, you never would have talked to us like this. You’re already changing, Seibetsu."

"Seibetsu even changed from a man to a woman! Even in this vast world, only a handful have ever been able to change their gender like that!"

"...Thank you, Rentarou. Thank you... everyone."

I felt incredibly refreshed. I really said it all. Ahh... I feel amazing. When was the last time I felt this light?

...However, now that the air’s cleared, I feel something... something wicked — no, not wicked, but mischievous — creeping in. What the hell is this? It's like this sticky, overwhelming sensation... like being completely smothered by an unbearably heavy kind of love...!

"This settles everything, right? And besides... it’s gotten so late! Everyone, why don’t you stay over at my place tonight! ❤︎"

Ah... so that's it. Yeah, makes sense now... Still, a sleepover, huh... what do I do? I'm still not exactly used to being around girls. I'd prefer to bathe separately from them...

And wait — I'm filthy right now, aren't I? Not just my clothes, but my whole body. And I can’t move perfectly yet either. I really need to get cleaned up somehow. But having a maid wash me feels kind of wrong, and if I ask the girls... we’d have to bathe at the same time, and that’s way too embarrassing...

Oh. That’s it! I can just have Rentarou wash me!