Chapter 2: A Magical Girl Fanatic

“A trip to A-City? For what?!”

Ren Akiyama, upon hearing the news, was completely, and with no small amount of professional skepticism, shocked. “Wait, wait, wait, let me get this straight. The legendary Strawberry Sweetheart and the hot-headed rookie, Magical Girl Red, actually got into a fight, and now they’re apparently sulking in their respective corners and giving each other the silent treatment, so the organization needs you, of all people, to go and mediate their little dispute? They actually assign this kind of work?! It sounds like something out of a bad high school drama! I mean, I understand the organization’s underlying, more practical intention here, of course. But this is…”

“The organization’s intention? What do you mean by that, kid?” Black grumbled.

“Isn’t it painfully obvious?” Ren sighed, already slipping into his Supporter analysis mode. “They’re basically just giving our two families a convenient, official pretext to move house. They want us to take a trip out of town for a little while, and then, while we’re gone, they’ll conveniently, and with maximum efficiency, relocate us to a new, more secure location. After all, now that your secret identity has been spectacularly, publicly exposed, your home address is, for all intents and purposes, also exposed. That poses a significant, unacceptable security risk. Depending on our own wishes, it would be perfectly normal, even advisable, for them to arrange for us to change our names and for Hana and me to transfer schools as well. It’s all standard procedure for compromised assets.”

Ren rattled off the cold, hard analysis with the calm, detached confidence of a seasoned professional. It was clear he had already anticipated the organization’s most likely, and most logical, course of action. It was just the ridiculous pretext for the whole operation that he found somewhat difficult to accept.

“Hmph. Well, this particular job sounds simple enough, then,” Black grumbled, cracking her knuckles with a menacing sound. “All I have to do is go over there, give that Strawberry Sweetheart brat and that Red rookie one good punch each, and then force them to shake hands and make up. Problem solved. Maximum efficiency.”

Ren was rendered utterly speechless. That is, without a single shadow of a doubt, a very, very… ‘Magical Girl Black’ style of conflict resolution. He couldn’t help but let a small, almost imperceptible smile touch his lips. He then asked, a mischievous, teasing glint in his eye, “So, have you figured out yet how you’re going to face your own adoring, and probably very confused, daughter now, Miss Black?”

Black shot Ren a withering, murderous glare. Is this little conniving brat mocking me right now? Is he?! Just because he’s seen me in my Black form, he thinks he can get all high and mighty, all cheeky and familiar? Not a single shred of proper respect for his dear old future father-in-law… But then, Kenji sighed internally, a wave of weary resignation washing over him. Then again… not having that stuffy, formal respect is actually… kind of nice, isn’t it? At least there’s no pressure to act like a dignified adult.

“I have absolutely no idea,” she grumbled, admitting defeat with a surprising lack of her usual bravado. “You’re the damn Supporter. You give me a brilliant idea, Mr. Genius.”

“?” Ren hadn’t expected Black to just toss the entire, incredibly delicate problem right back at him like a hot, emotionally charged potato. He sighed helplessly, a gesture he seemed to be making a lot lately when dealing with the Tanaka family. “Perhaps… perhaps, Miss Black, you should first take a moment to see exactly what your daughter, Hana, is doing right at this very moment. And then, perhaps, you can make your decision based on that… fresh intelligence.”

Black looked at Ren, her eyes narrowed with suspicion. “I have a very strong, almost certain feeling that you already know something, something important, and that’s why you’re talking to me in this cryptic, roundabout, and frankly quite annoying way.”

“Of course I know something, Miss Black,” Ren said with a calm, infuriatingly serene smile. “But I don’t particularly want to just tell you. I want you to see it for yourself. With your own two eyes. Tell me, Black. You don’t show even a flicker of fear when you’re facing down city-destroying, world-ending fiends. And yet, when it comes to facing your own teenage daughter, you start to hesitate, to waver. Do you really, truly see her as your one, true weakness?”

Hearing this, Black felt as if Ren had just gleefully, and with great accuracy, stomped on a very, very sore, and very private, emotional spot. She let out a cold, humorless laugh. “Are you trying to use cheap reverse psychology on me, you little brat?”

“For the magnificent Magical Girl Black,” Ren replied, his smile unwavering, “it seems to be a remarkably effective move that works every single time, without fail.”

“Hmph. Fine,” Black grumbled. “So, how the hell am I supposed to see what she’s doing right now, then? Do you have some kind of secret spy camera installed in her room?!”

Ren simply, silently, took out his smartphone.

Black, her curiosity now thoroughly, irresistibly piqued, leaned over, her head close to his, to look at the small, glowing screen. She watched as Ren’s fingers flew across the screen with a practiced, almost dizzying speed, expertly navigating through a series of complex menus before logging into a familiar, and now slightly dreaded website: “The Magical Girl Nexus.”

And there, right at the very top of the forum’s main, trending page, highlighted in a bold, almost mocking font, Magical Girl Black saw it. The number one, most talked-about, most controversial topic of the day.

“SHOCKING! The True Identity of the Enigmatic Magical Girl Black is Actually… (IRREFUTABLE PICS AND VIDEO PROOF INSIDE!)”

Should I say I’m not surprised? Because I’m really, really not. In fact, I’m surprised it took them this long.

Black then watched, a sense of morbid fascination overriding her terror, as Ren, with a grim, clinical determination, tapped the explosive link.

The first, top-voted comment, with over 12,000 upvotes and climbing, read: “So, wait, let me get this straight. The terrifying, badass Magical Girl Black’s real identity is just some… random old uncle? Then what about all the other magical girls out there whose identities are still a secret? Are they all just a bunch of middle-aged men in disguise behind the scenes? Is my entire life a lie?!”

The comment directly below it, however, the one that had garnered a truly staggering 26,000 upvotes, read simply: “Honestly? I think it’s unexpectedly… kind of hot. Don’t judge me.”

A large, almost visible question mark physically, almost comically manifested above Magical Girl Black’s head. She looked at Ren, her expression one of utter, profound bewilderment. “The first comment, okay, fine, I can sort of understand that reaction—but what in the seven circles of hell is the deal with this second one?! And why in the world does it have more than twice as many upvotes as the first one?! What is wrong with people these days?!”

Ren just chuckled, a sound of weary resignation. “It just goes to show, Tanaka-ojisan, that most people in this world are, in fact, hopeless, unrepentant perverts. But that’s not what I wanted to show you.” Ren then, with a deft flick of his thumb, tapped the first comment, expanding the seemingly endless reply thread to show what other, even more passionate users had commented in response.

“Who gives a single, solitary damn if she’s a man or a woman or a goddamn magical space hamster?! She still, single-handedly, and with extreme prejudice, subjugated the fiends, didn’t she! That’s all that matters! She’s a hero! – Signed, with righteous fury, MadforMagicalGirls”

“As long as she’s cute, that’s all that matters! That’s the only truth in this miserable world! This is a magical girl’s business, so you haters can just butt out! – Signed, with unwavering devotion, MadforMagicalGirls”

“Oh yeah?! You think you’re so tough, you anonymous keyboard warrior?! Why don’t you go and try to fight the damn Darkmoon Queen, you pathetic, sniveling coward! How dare you even speak her name?! How DARE you?! – Signed, with incandescent rage, MadforMagicalGirls”

“…This… this ‘MadforMagicalGirls’ person… is?” Black asked, her voice a little shaky, a strange, unfamiliar emotion welling up in her chest.

Ren shrugged, a small, knowing smile on his face. “That would be your daughter’s online ID. She’s apparently locked herself in her room, is probably using her own magic to help her type at superhuman speeds, and has been engaged in a non-stop, all-out, no-holds-barred flame war with anyone and everyone who dares to speak ill of you online for a full, uninterrupted day and night now. She’s already, almost overnight, become a living legend on the forums, the undisputed, undefeated ‘Ultimate Flame War Monster.’ They say she can spit out five separate, creatively scathing retorts a second, and she’s already, by some estimates, posted tens of thousands of messages. So many people have been so thoroughly, so brutally, so comprehensively flamed by her that they’ve either been forced to enable their mute functions, been banned by the terrified moderators, or have just outright deleted their threads and run away from the forums entirely, their digital tails tucked between their legs. So, you see,” he concluded, a note of genuine admiration in his voice, “the overall atmosphere on the forums regarding you is actually… surprisingly, miraculously harmonious now. All thanks to her.”

“…Huh?” Magical Girl Black was at a complete, utter loss for words. “But… but why? Why is she doing all of this? I’ve never really cared about what a bunch of faceless, anonymous people say about me online. She should know that… she knows me better than anyone…”

“You, Magical Girl Black, may not care,” Ren said, his voice now gentle, almost soft. “After all, you’re just doing your job as a magical girl. But Hana cares. Deeply. She is, in her own unique, and admittedly rather aggressive way, defending the honor of the hero known as Magical Girl Black. That’s all. No matter how you, Kenji Tanaka, try to separate yourself from Magical Girl Black, the fact remains, you are both the same person. And Hana… Hana loves, admires, and respects Magical Girl Black. That, sir, is an undeniable fact.”

“But… but this business of flaming people online… it’s not healthy! Aren’t you going to do something about it? Aren’t you supposed to be her responsible boyfriend? This is a clear, textbook sign of severe internet addiction! She needs help!” Black protested weakly, her fatherly instincts kicking in, however belatedly.

Ren put his phone away, a wide, amused smirk now plastered across his face. “You know, Black, if you could just wipe that incredibly proud, pleased, almost ‘that’s-my-girl’ smirk off your own face right now, I might actually be inclined to listen to you and take your concerns seriously. As it is, your argument isn’t very persuasive at all, you know.”

“Damn it! I really can’t win with you, can I, you little brat?” Black sighed, a sound of pure, helpless exasperation. She ran a hand through her (currently long and silky black) hair in frustration, a gesture that was surprisingly, endearingly girlish, though she didn’t seem to notice it herself at all.

And so, Magical Girl Black, her heart filled with a strange, tumultuous, and deeply confusing cocktail of pride, embarrassment, and nervous trepidation, took a deep, fortifying breath and pushed open the door to her own daughter’s bedroom.

And sure enough, she saw her precious daughter, Hana, sitting there, her eyes glued to her computer screen, a manic, almost pathological expression of pure, unadulterated glee on her face. Her hands, wreathed in a faint, shimmering aura of magical energy, were flying across the keyboard at an impossible superhuman speed, a blur of motion. “Hahaha! Come at me, you pathetic scum! Keep barking, you pathetic little dogs! I’ll show you! I’ll show you all! Let’s see how you’re going to protect your precious family trees now that I, the Ultimate Flame War Monster, am done with them! Hahahaha!”

In fact, the relatively tame comments Black had seen on the forum, the ones Ren had shown her, were the heavily, mercifully moderated, sanitized versions of the threads. All of “MadforMagicalGirls’” most extreme, most creative, and probably most legally actionable over-the-top remarks had already been hastily, and with much alarm, deleted by the overworked forum admins. Of course, if you kept scrolling, if you dug deep enough into the archives, you could still find some of the more… colorful… comments that hadn’t been erased yet. In any case, seeing this strange, chaotic, and frankly quite terrifying scene for herself, Magical Girl Black was, for a moment, filled with an incredibly complex, overwhelming mix of emotions.

How should one put it?

It felt… it felt very, very similar to how she, Magical Girl Black, looked, how she felt, when she was in the heat of battle, tearing fiends apart with her bare hands. Very, very similar indeed. It was… uncanny. And a little bit frightening.

“Hana.”

Her voice, quiet but firm, rang out in the suddenly silent room. Hana, who had been in the middle of her magical, high-speed flame war, her fingers a blur of motion, froze instantly, as if she’d been turned to stone. She turned around, her movements stiff, almost robotic, and saw, standing in her doorway, the imposing, silent, and very real figure of Magical Girl Black.

In an instant, all the manic, triumphant fervor seemed to drain out of her, out of the very air in the room. The room, which had just moments before been crackling with a fiery, palpable heat, suddenly felt icy, deathly cold. Hana slowly, silently and reverently closed her laptop, put her smartphone aside, and then, with a strange, solemn dignity, came to stand directly before Magical Girl Black. She reached back and quietly, deliberately, closed the door. And then, taking a deep breath, she once again stood before Black, her eyes clear and serious.

“Are you my dad,” she asked, her voice steady, “or are you Magical Girl Black.”

“Is there a difference?” Black replied, her own voice surprisingly calm.

“So, what you’re saying is, you really are the same person, aren’t you? Both of you.”

“—Yes.”

And with that single, monumental, world-altering admission, a heavy, suffocating silence descended upon the small, cluttered bedroom.

Magical Girl Black felt as if her very heart, her very soul, were being put on trial, subjected to the most intense, most terrifying interrogation imaginable. She kept frantically trying to think of what Hana would say next, how she herself should answer, what the right words were. This situation… this single, quiet, terrifying moment… it was so much more difficult, so much more agonizing, than facing down the all-powerful Darkmoon Queen.

And then… in a motion so sudden, so unexpected that it made Kenji’s heart stop, Hana Tanaka suddenly, gracefully, dropped to her knees.

Yes, she suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, knelt, with a profound, almost feudal sense of reverence, before the stunned, bewildered Magical Girl Black.

This sudden unexpected sight made Magical Girl Black’s brain completely, utterly, beautifully short-circuit. It simply could not compute. She had absolutely no idea what her daughter was doing, what was happening, what any of this meant.

“DAD!” Hana cried out, her voice filled with a desperate, fanatical urgency. “I haven’t asked you for anything, not really, not for so many long, long years! But… but you’re Magical Girl Black now! You’re a hero! So, there’s… there’s one thing, just one thing, that you absolutely, positively, with every fiber of your being, HAVE to promise me!!! It’s the most important thing in the entire world!”

Magical Girl Black was so flustered, so utterly thrown, she could barely form a coherent sentence. “H-Hana! What are you doing?! Get up! Please, just get up first!”

“NO!” Hana declared, her voice firm, her grip on Black's leg surprisingly strong. “You have to promise me first, Dad! Otherwise, I’m not getting up! Not ever!”

“OKAY! OKAY! I PROMISE! DAD PROMISES, ALRIGHT?! WHATEVER IT IS, I PROMISE!” Black cried out in a desperate, almost hysterical panic.

It was then, in that moment of complete and utter paternal surrender, that Magical Girl Black saw it. She saw the wicked, demonic, and triumphant smile that spread slowly, beautifully across her own precious daughter’s face. She suddenly, with a chilling certainty, felt a wave of ice-cold dread crawl down her spine. In the very next instant, her daughter threw her arms around her legs, her hands scrambling with a terrifying, predatory speed, up towards her shorts.

“DAD! LET ME SEE! JUST ONE PEEK! I HAVE TO KNOW! What color are Magical Girl Black’s panties when she transforms in her native, default state?! They transform with you, right?! They’re black, aren’t they! They have to be! Please, tell me they’re black! I’m on Team Black, you know! My entire online reputation, my street cred, my very identity as a true Black-stan, it’s all on the line here! If they’re not black, my entire life will be a lie! I’ll be ruined! UTTERLY RUINED!”

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU PERVERTED, GACHA-ADDICTED, PANTY-OBSESSED LITTLE BRAT!!!! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?! NO DECENCY?!

Let’s just, for the sake of everyone’s sanity, cut to the final, inevitable result, shall we?

Hana Tanaka, for the first time in a very, very long while, felt the true, unadulterated, and surprisingly painful warmth of a father’s love. After so many long, lonely years, she finally, once again, tasted the nostalgic, almost forgotten feeling she remembered from before she was nine years old. She was thoroughly, completely, and with great, righteous paternal love, thrashed, disciplined, and probably given a noogie for good measure, by the one and only Magical Girl Black.

And in the end, much to her eternal, soul-deep disappointment, she still wasn’t able to find out, with any degree of certainty, what color Magical Girl Black’s original, native-form, probably-very-cool panties actually were. The mystery would have to endure. For now.

“Dad is so totally, unbelievably unfair!” Hana wailed later that evening, recounting the tragic tale to a sympathetic, if slightly bewildered Ren Akiyama as she nursed a few imaginary sore spots on her head. “I fought for her online! I valiantly defended her honor against hordes of faceless trolls! And she actually hit me! Her own adoring daughter! And for what?! They’re just panties! What’s the big deal?! It’s not like I haven’t seen all her other boring, middle-aged-man underwear before! What’s so special about these ones?! I just… I just wanted to see what color Black’s native transformation panties were! For… for important research purposes! And for the good of the fandom!”

Ren, to be perfectly, brutally honest, was seriously, actively starting to not want to admit that this strange, slightly unhinged, and possibly quite perverted person was actually his girlfriend. She was a complete, if adorable, weirdo. Speaking of which, a stray, unwelcome thought, a fleeting image from that fateful day in the hot spring, entered his mind. Weren’t Black’s panties actually… white? No, wait, that time I saw Black, she wasn’t wearing any clothes at all… He forcefully, violently, and with a surge of shame, suppressed that very, very dangerous, and highly inappropriate thought.

“Although it’s undoubtedly a good thing that your relationship with your father has finally gotten a little closer, Hana-chan,” he said with a weary, diplomatic sigh, “I have to admit, the way you went about it was… not at all what I had expected. I thought, you know, there would be some kind of tearful, heartfelt, emotionally resonant reconciliation scene. How on earth did you manage to turn it into a bizarre, slapstick comedy routine?”

Hana sniffed, a proud, defiant look on her face. “Well, what was I supposed to do, Ren-kun? Throw myself into her arms and cry my eyes out like some pathetic, damsel-in-distress character from a bad shojo manga? That’s so totally not our style. Not at all. Don’t be fooled by the way my dad usually acts, all grumpy and pathetic. When she’s Magical Girl Black, that’s her true, uninhibited self coming out. That’s just the kind of over-the-top, slightly violent person she really is, deep down. And… well, so am I.”

Ren had absolutely no intention of getting any more involved in their bizarre and surreal father-daughter affairs than he already was. “So, are you absolutely sure you don’t want to come with us to A-City, then? We’re leaving tomorrow.”

“Well, we have to move house now, don’t we? So I should go with your parents and see about that, figure out how to decorate the new house and everything. You’re much better at your job than I am, anyway. Besides,” she added, a sly grin on her face, “this whole trip is about sorting out a stupid fight between two magical girls. You go handle it, Mr. Professional Supporter. It’s what you get paid for, right? Oh, and right,” she added, her eyes suddenly sparkling with a fresh wave of otaku fervor, “while you’re there, can you do me a huge favor and get me an autograph from Magical Girl Red?”

“?” Ren was confused. Again. “But… but Red’s stats aren’t that high in ‘Magical Girl Brawl,’ are they? According to all the top-tier analysis sites, she’s only barely comparable to Strawberry Sweetheart’s normal, non-powered-up state. She’s, like, B-tier at best.”

Hana was instantly, profoundly indignant. “It’s power-level-obsessed, meta-slaving, fun-hating nerds like you who are ruining the entire competitive environment of ‘Magical Girl Brawl’! I’m a completionist! A collector! I have to get them all! And Red! Do you even know what the color red signifies in the grand, mythological tapestry of our culture? Go and re-watch any classic, hot-blooded anime, you uncultured swine! It’s the main character’s exclusive, officially designated color! It’s the color of heroes!”

“But… there are plenty of protagonists who are mainly black-themed, like Magical Girl Black, right?” Ren countered logically.

“That’s a shonen manga thing, Ren-kun! This is the sacred, holy world of magical girls! A world where glorious, unadulterated justice is served with a healthy, generous dose of overwhelming, weaponized cuteness! What you’re talking about is a heretical, edgy, and frankly quite passé path!” Hana said, speaking of things, of deep, fundamental genre truths, that Ren, with his logical, fact-based brain, didn’t quite, and probably never would fully understand. “Anyway,” she concluded with a sigh, “you go with her. With my dad. I… I still feel a little bit awkward about the whole thing right now, to be honest. I need to do some more… mental preparation… before I can face her again as a normal daughter.”

Ren gently, fondly stroked the girl’s soft hair. “It’s okay, Hana-chan. Don’t worry about it. I’ll do my best on my end over there too. And hey, now that her identity is exposed, at least between us, there are some benefits to it. Everyone can finally be a little more honest with each other now. No more secrets.”

“Mhm. That’s true.” Hana nodded, a soft smile on her face. “And hey, Ren-kun,” she added, a mischievous, teasing glint returning to her eye, “while you’re there, you should probably keep a close eye on her for me, okay? Make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble. She was almost hooked, you know, by that sneaky Dark Butterfly lady the other day, wasn’t she? We both saw it from behind, didn’t we? She's surprisingly susceptible to pretty faces.”

Ren smiled, a warm, reassuring smile. “Okay, Hana-chan. I promise. I’ll keep a close eye on her for you.” My poor, poor Tanaka-ojisan.