Chapter 22: The Reason Why

When did it start? When had he first begun to suspect the truth?

Perhaps it was from the very moment he and Black had emerged from that strange, timeless dimensional space. Ren Akiyama had felt, with a gnawing certainty, that something was deeply, fundamentally wrong.

She hadn't changed back. Even after the crisis was over, she hadn’t reverted to Kenji Tanaka. She hadn't even seemed to possess the courage to properly face her own daughter. No, it was more than that. Even before then, he had already realized it: Black was terrified of changing back. He had even, with a certain cruel precision, pointed it out to her inside that very pocket dimension.

And then, in that space, at the final, critical, life-or-death moment, he had kissed her.

In reality, that had been an incredibly, suicidally dangerous moment. So dangerous that even with all his intelligence, all his training, Ren could only resort to following the questionable, almost meme-like advice of a bunch of anonymous, probably very perverted netizens. This person, this Magical Girl Black, loved to act tough, to put on a brave face. She had clearly been at her absolute limit, on the very verge of a catastrophic breakdown, yet she had still maintained that calm, bored facade, only to suddenly, with a weak, pathetic whimper, tell him, "I can’t hold on anymore."

And then the cracks had started to appear all over her body. In that single, terrifying instant, Ren had no other choice. He could only, with a grim sense of fated absurdity, kiss her. He had even been mentally prepared to forcibly, and with great regret, consummate things with Magical Girl Black, to trigger that bizarre pregnancy loophole Lapis Lazuli had mentioned. No matter what, he couldn't let himself die there. And he absolutely, positively would not allow Magical Girl Black to die there either. Even if it meant having to bear the weight of that incredible, unforgivable sin while facing Hana for the rest of his life, he had been prepared to shoulder that heavy, awkward burden.

Thankfully, a single, desperate kiss had been miraculously effective. It had truly, undeniably been a great help.

In any case, Ren’s initial working theory at the time was that Black was likely going through a process of so-called "superhuman dependency." Having suddenly, and with no proper psychological preparation, obtained immense, almost godlike power… it was just like in all those classic superhero movies. Those ordinary, everyday people, after suddenly gaining incredible powers, almost always display an impossibly high moral standard, an almost severe, unforgiving sense of justice—simply because they can. Possessing great power, seeing oneself from a perspective that is far beyond that of ordinary people, binding oneself with the heavy, often lonely title of "hero"… becoming addicted to that powerful, intoxicating perception of oneself.

Normally, if the hero’s secret identity isn't blown, a person like this would simply, almost schizophrenically switch back and forth between their two distinct personas. Just like the earliest version of Magical Girl Black: arrogant, wild, and terrifyingly powerful as Black, yet steady, honest, and almost pathetically meek as Kenji Tanaka.

But when such a person’s cover is blown—a special and often very dangerous kind of mentality is born.

As the old, wise saying goes, "Wealth and honor that don't return to one's hometown are like wearing beautiful, embroidered clothes to walk in the dead of night." No one sees it, so what’s the point? If one day, you became a superhero, and it just so happened to be broadcast live to the entire, adoring globe—wouldn’t you be tempted to show off just a little bit? For example, at a boring family dinner, some unfamiliar, or even previously disliked relatives come to your house and suddenly exclaim, with awe in their eyes, “XX-kun, I can’t believe it! You’re actually that hero!” Wouldn’t that feel good? It would probably feel pretty damn good. It was the so-called "a famous person doesn't need to pretend to be obscure." The sheer, unadulterated pleasure of the reveal.

To be honest, putting himself in her shoes, if he, Ren Akiyama, had suddenly, inexplicably transformed into a cute, frilly magical girl, under circumstances he couldn’t possibly control, Ren felt he would probably, after a brief period of intense existential despair, come to accept it. And then, he would probably go and specifically show off to his closest friends, saying ridiculous, self-aggrandizing things like, “So, what do you guys think? How do I look? Am I cute?” and then wait for them to show their appropriately disgusted, bewildered expressions. It was much, much better to puncture that strange, awkward bubble yourself than to have others whisper about it behind your back and then accidentally, humiliatingly overhear them. Ren simply could not believe that someone as intelligent, as socially experienced as Black didn’t know how to properly, delicately handle the relationship with his own parents-in-law. The method was simple: she herself could have just gone to Ren’s parents, brought up the matter directly, and then his parents, being the kind, understanding people they were, would have surely, undoubtedly comforted her, not ridiculed her.

But she hadn’t done that. Not once. She had chosen, deliberately, to avoid it.

If he had to find a single, logical reason for this avoidant behavior—Ren could only, with a heavy heart, conclude that it was because he, Ren Akiyama, had kissed Magical Girl Black. Because he had kissed her, it had caused her perception of him, of their relationship, to change fundamentally. She now felt incredibly guilty about meeting his parents. And at the same time, she felt even more, cripplingly guilty towards her own daughter, Hana. She didn’t dare to face these people. And so, she had immediately, desperately gone to the organization and requested that Hana be transferred away… She had absolutely no idea how to explain any of this to her own daughter… The most fundamental reason, the core of the problem, was probably…

A magical girl’s power comes from her heart.

She had been held by him, had been kissed by him, and had, in that strange, intimate moment, gained some degree of incredible power, had successfully resisted Crystal’s corrupting erosion. And this, logically, meant only one thing: in that single, critical instant, she had, more or less, on some deep, subconscious level, developed some kind of genuine, romantic feelings for him, hadn’t she?

And it was precisely because of this burgeoning and deeply inappropriate affection that she now felt such incredible, almost overwhelming guilt towards her own daughter. Her rational mind told her that she couldn’t possibly have these feelings. But her body, her heart, had reacted honestly, instinctively. This terrible, unbearable contradiction, Ren deduced, had likely thrown the already fragile Magical Girl Black into a huge, chaotic, and deeply inescapable emotional vortex.

Ren, lying on his sterile, uncomfortable hospital bed, ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He sometimes, truly hated why he could never, ever just stop thinking, stop analyzing. People who thought too much, he knew, rarely found true happiness. Smart people, they were always so prone to things like depression, precisely because they could always see certain, inconvenient truths. And the truth, more often than not, was ugly, dark, and deeply disappointing.

So, in the midst of this agonizing, internal conflict, Magical Girl Black had chosen, with a certain desperate logic, to simply throw caution to the wind, to go for broke. Since I’ve already, unforgivably let my daughter down, I might as well… let her down a little bit more. And so, she had come to him, to try and go all the way, to get pregnant, and to thereby permanently, irrevocably stabilize her form as Magical Girl Black. To live on, forever, as Black—she had probably, in her panicked state, been thinking that if they had done that that night, it could have just been dismissed as a one-time, secret, unfortunate accident. Like two people who had gotten hopelessly, irresponsibly drunk. A so-called, fleeting "dewdrop affair." As long as they both, afterwards, coldly, professionally severed all ties, drew a firm, uncrossable line in the sand, then it would be, for all intents and purposes, as if nothing had ever happened.

If Ren Akiyama wasn’t mistaken, if his deductions were correct, if they had done that that night, and if Magical Girl Black had successfully gotten pregnant, she would have most likely applied to the organization for a new, different Supporter. Black’s entire, desperate and frankly quite pathetic trajectory was, in Ren’s sharp, analytical eyes, more or less crystal clear. He could basically guess exactly what she had been thinking.

Frankly speaking, this desperate, insane decision wasn’t necessarily a bad one, not from a purely logical standpoint. In fact, it was, in a strange, twisted way, a very neat, very clean solution. A solution that could, theoretically, satisfy everyone involved. If he, Ren Akiyama, had indeed, genuinely harbored some wicked, secret thoughts towards the beautiful Magical Girl Black, this would have actually been a perfect, almost ideal resolution. As long as he didn’t pester Black afterwards, and Black didn’t pester him… aside from having to consider the incredibly awkward and probably quite expensive matter of how to raise the future, magical child, all other aspects of the arrangement were perfect.

Black could, at long last, get her wish of a permanent, stable, eternally youthful magical girl form, never again having to face the fragile, pathetic identity of the aging Kenji Tanaka. And he, Ren Akiyama, would have, for all intents and purposes, basically gotten a free, no-strings-attached, and probably quite memorable one-night stand with the one and only Magical Girl Black. As for Hana, as long as she didn’t find out, as long as she remained blissfully ignorant, she could continue to be happy, to be carefree. He, Ren, filled with a deep, abiding guilt, would probably, as a result, become even more indulgent, even more devoted towards Hana…

It seemed like a perfect, win-win result, didn't it?

However, that was, without a single shadow of a doubt, the absolute, unequivocally wrong choice.

That was most certainly not a choice that could lead to everyone, truly, genuinely living happily ever after. Black, he knew, should have known this too. But she had still, in her desperation, tried to do it anyway. She must have known, deep down, that a truly happy ending for everyone was an impossible, childish fantasy. That if you wanted to make life seem perfect, seem whole, then you absolutely had to embellish it, to patch it up with lies. She didn't harbor any true, noble ideals. And that was why she was as hard as iron, completely, utterly unmoved by the tragic, self-pitying words of the fiends she fought. After all, if you don’t have any expectations to begin with, how can there possibly be any disappointment? Any despair?

Adults just make their choices. And then, for better or for worse, they bear the consequences.

Thinking of this, Ren looked towards the door. And as if on cue, Magical Girl Black appeared there, looking rather dejected, almost lost.

“You’ve met with Hana, then?”

“She said,” Black’s voice was a low, defeated whisper, “that she hates me the most.”

Black sat down on the small, uncomfortable visitor’s stool next to the hospital bed, and then, with a weary sigh, she slumped over, her head resting on Ren’s bed like a tired, heartbroken child. “I knew she’d be angry, of course I did. But… but it still really, really hurts to actually hear her say those words out loud.”

“Hana… she can be impulsive like that sometimes,” Ren said, comforting Black with a gentle, reassuring smile. “But she’ll be fine after a little while, you’ll see. Of course,” he added with a chuckle, “if you’re hoping for an actual, verbal apology from her, then you probably shouldn’t hold your breath. She’s got far too much stubborn pride for that, you know.”

Black sighed, tilting her head to look up at Ren, her eyes filled with a profound, almost heartbreaking sadness. “I’m sorry, kid. It was me who was messing around with all that nonsensical, self-destructive stuff, but in the end, you were the one who got hurt. I… I’m just a person who can’t seem to do anything right, am I…”

“If you had really been able to do what you were planning, Miss Black,” Ren said with a soft, knowing laugh, “then the one with the deep, irreparable emotional trauma would have undoubtedly been me. So, you see, I did what I did on purpose. It was self-defense.”

“I know,” Black whispered.

Black slowly sat up straight again, running a hand through her long, dark hair in frustration. “Alright, fine. You win. Kenji Tanaka and Magical Girl Black… they’re actually the same, just one pathetic, confused person. Although I really, really want to separate them, to cast off my old self and just live on as Black forever… you just think about it for a second, Ren. Kenji Tanaka’s life… it has been such a complete, almost spectacular failure!”

Ren remained silent, his expression calm, compassionate. He knew, at this moment, that he just needed to be a listener.

“When I was young, I couldn’t provide a comfortable, luxurious life for my love, for my Kaoru. When she was terminally ill, I couldn’t afford to give her the best, most advanced treatment, to the point where she… she left me forever. At that time, I thought to myself, I still have my daughter. Even if it’s just for my daughter’s sake, I have to live on, I have to be strong. But in the end, even though I loved my daughter so much, so very, very much, I just… I just messed everything up. My relationship with my daughter, as you well know, is absolutely, comically terrible… And then, even after becoming the all-powerful Magical Girl Black, I thought, I hoped, things would finally change for the better. But then, the very next day, I got unceremoniously fired from my dead-end company.”

The smile on her face was so incredibly, so beautifully bitter. “And after being fired, I actually listened to your parents’ well-meaning advice. I thought, maybe I should try to find a new partner, a new companion. And what happens? I fail spectacularly at my very first blind date, and I even have to be rescued by the fiend, Yuki Kirishima, of all people! And it turns out that she, Yuki Kirishima, was a fiend herself… The man named Kenji Tanaka… has he ever, not once in his entire, pathetic life, actually succeeded at anything? Failure… failure has run through Kenji Tanaka’s entire, miserable existence. He is always, always losing—but Magical Girl Black… she’s different.”

“Magical Girl Black can do anything she wants to do. She can defeat all her enemies. She can shoulder the immense, crushing weight of an entire generation. She can shelter her juniors from the harsh, cruel winds and rain. She can… she can even be liked by her own daughter… I never, not once, thought that Hana would ever fight so hard, so passionately for me like that. Magical Girl Black is so omnipotent, so beloved, so… perfect. Once you’ve tasted success, Ren, you never, ever want to experience failure again. Once you’ve stepped into the glorious, shining light, you never, ever want to fall back into the lonely, pathetic darkness. Once you’ve seen the bright, warm, hopeful light, you can no longer, you can never, endure the suffocating, empty darkness… It’s a very simple, very human principle, isn’t it?”

In this quiet, sterile, and surprisingly intimate hospital room, Magical Girl Black—Kenji Tanaka—finally, truly spoke the unspoken, painful words of her own heart. “Of course, in the end, the results prove, once and for all, that I am still at my core just pathetic old Kenji Tanaka. Even when I exist as the magnificent Magical Girl Black, my fundamental, flawed essence has not changed one bit. I have, yet again, and with an impressive efficiency, managed to make my own daughter hate me. It seems that Magical Girl Black… she can fail too… It’s a sharp, painful, unbearable truth. But this pain… this pain, I think… it has finally, truly woken me up.”

A gratified, almost relieved smile appeared on Ren Akiyama’s face. He was just about to say something, something comforting, something profound, when…

The sound of soft, hesitant footsteps came from outside the door, followed by a quiet, timid knock.

In that single, chaotic, heart-stopping instant, Magical Girl Black, with a speed that defied all known laws of physics and common sense, dove headfirst, with a muffled yelp of pure, unadulterated panic, directly into Ren Akiyama’s hospital bed, pulling the thin, starchy bedcovers up over her head.

“Ren? Are you feeling any better?”

And Hana Tanaka, her beloved, and currently very, very confused daughter, walked in through the door.