Chapter 23: The Question Hana Couldn't Answer

Was Magical Girl Black feeling guilty?

The answer was… yes. She was feeling so unbelievably, so soul-crushingly guilty that it was a physical, tangible ache in her chest.

First, she had kissed Ren Akiyama. That alone was a deep, unforgivable betrayal of her own precious daughter. And what had she done after that? She had, with a coward's logic, sent her daughter away, and had then actively, almost eagerly tried to do something even more outrageous, even more unforgivable with the devoted boyfriend, all just to maintain her own pathetic, increasingly burdensome magical girl form.

Anyone who didn't know the full, insane, and deeply awkward story would surely think this was a classic, textbook case of the scheming, manipulative mistress trying to get the upper hand and ruthlessly kick out the original, unsuspecting wife. To make matters even worse, she had then, in her panicked, flustered incompetence, actually gotten Ren injured. And her own daughter… her sweet, if slightly terrifying Hana had just, just told her that she hated her…

How could she possibly, possibly dare to show her face in front of Hana now? The fearsome, fiend-pulverizing, seemingly invincible Magical Girl Black, who feared neither heaven nor earth, was, when it came to her own daughter, filled with a guilt so profound that it was almost crippling. Theoretically, she knew, all she had to do was remain calm, to be the adult in the room. Just sit here. Even if Hana was cold to her, even if she glared at her with those terrifying, disappointed eyes, she wouldn't truly, completely lash out in front of Ren; after all, even a girl like her would, on some level, want to maintain a certain, favorable image in front of the person she loved.

But because she was so unbelievably guilty, because she felt, in that very moment, exactly like a "scheming, home-wrecking mistress," upon the sudden, unexpected arrival of the "original wife," her first, almost primal instinct was to hide. To disappear.

What was that old, wise saying again? The one she'd heard in some pretentious movie?

“To expect a human being to remain completely, perfectly rational at all times is surely a foolish and naive extravagance.” One cannot, after all, always make the correct, logical choice in every situation. And when one is consumed by a guilt as profound as her was right now, one's base instincts are incredibly difficult to suppress.

But by hiding, by diving headfirst into Ren Akiyama’s hospital bed, she had created an even bigger, even more complicated, and probably much, much more embarrassing problem. You dive into a young man’s bedcovers in the middle of the night, well, even if it’s not an illicit affair, it sure as hell looks like an illicit affair.

When Magical Girl Black finally, belatedly, and with a fresh surge of horror, realized this simple, unavoidable fact, she felt as if her own brain must have a serious, fundamental problem. What in the world was she so guilty about in the first place? Okay, fine, she knew exactly what she was guilty about. The list was long and getting longer by the second.

But what was she supposed to do now?

Should she be thankful that Magical Girl Black was indeed very, very petite? Hidden snugly under Ren’s starchy hospital bedcovers, as long as Ren kept his knees bent just so, she could just about manage to hide completely in the small, arched, and increasingly stuffy space created by his legs. Correspondingly, her entire magical girl body was now curled up into a tight, pathetic, and deeply humiliating ball. The non-verbal coordination between the two of them, born of sheer shared panic, was at least, Black had to admit, surprisingly up to par.

But… curled up like this… how should one put it?

It brought to mind a certain, rather famous historical figure from ancient times, the great general Han Xin. The mighty, indomitable general who had, in his youth, endured the ultimate humiliation of crawling between a common ruffian's legs, all to avoid a pointless, meaningless fight. She, Magical Girl Black, the most powerful being in the city, was now, today, emulating this great ancient figure, hiding pathetically between a teenage boy's legs… Speaking of which, could she even be considered a "great general"? Probably not. Not even close. And wait a minute, wasn’t this particular, highly compromising position just a little bit… lewd…?

As a person with a wealth of mature and surprisingly varied life experience, Black very easily, and with a fresh and deeply unwelcome surge of horror, thought of some very, very inappropriate things. For example, if she were to, right here, right now, in this very position, just… just open Ren’s pajama pants and begin to… oh my god, what am I thinking?!

How could I even imagine such a thing?! This is too dangerous! My mind is a complete, filth-ridden cesspool! I’m a monster! A perverted old man monster!

“Hana… weren’t you just… leaving?” Ren Akiyama, forcing himself to remain calm, his voice a mask of polite, if slightly strained confusion, asked. He had absolutely no idea what would happen if Hana, his beloved and currently very suspicious Hana, discovered that the magnificent and currently very sweaty Magical Girl Black was hiding pathetically in his very own hospital bed. It would probably be something truly, apocalyptically terrifying. Even the great, brave Ren Akiyama didn’t dare to directly face that particular scenario. If Black and Hana were to, over this, completely, irrevocably sever their already fragile father-daughter relationship… Black would probably, for real this time, Invert. And while Ren was, on a purely academic, professional level, very, very curious to see what Magical Girl Black’s Inverted state would actually be like, this was most definitely, absolutely not a good or convenient opportunity for it. Not at all.

Hana sat down on the small and still faintly warm visitor’s stool that Black had been sitting on just moments before. She frowned, a cute, suspicious wrinkle appearing on her nose. Why does this stool feel a little… warm? Is that normal? Must be my imagination.

She then replied, her voice filled with a disappointment she wasn't even trying to hide, “Red said she actually wants to come to S-City first, and have Magical Girl Black go to A-City instead. She’s swapping places with you guys.”

“Hmm?” Ren was genuinely taken aback. This was new information. “She… said that? What does she mean by that?”

“Red’s reasoning,” Hana explained, “is that now that the Darkmoon Coven has just been completely dismantled, the remaining fiends in S-City are just a few big cats and small kittens, nothing major. She, even as a rookie, can still handle them. In other words, S-City has basically, for the time being, become a ‘newbie starting zone,’ a level-one-to-ten questing area, which is very, very suitable for a new, still-learning magical girl like her. Correspondingly,” she concluded, “Magical Girl Black, being the overpowered, max-level character she is, can go all the way over to A-City to subjugate the infamous ‘Phantasm Coven’ that’s been causing so much trouble there. That’s also an old, veteran fiend organization that’s been around for many, many years, a very, very difficult, end-game-level opponent.”

This was something Ren hadn’t expected at all. “But… aren’t there other, perfectly capable Espers in charge of A-City? And Black is a magical girl—Hana, do you know what the current public reputation of magical girls is among the other, more conventional Esper factions lately?”

“The lucky ones among the lucky, the chosen few, right… But they never, ever mention the sacrifices of the magical girls, do they? The tragic, constant deaths.” Hana’s voice was suddenly tinged with a bitter, almost personal resentment. “The official mortality rate for this particular profession is much, much, much higher than the average Esper mortality rate, you know.”

“So, has Red submitted an official transfer application to the organization, then?”

“No. Her idea was that she was planning to meet with Black first and have a proper, heart-to-heart talk about it… But let’s not talk about all that boring stuff now. You, Ren Akiyama,” she said, her expression suddenly turning serious again, her "Ace Detective" persona making a dramatic comeback, “you’re still badly injured, and yet you’re still thinking about all these complicated, work-related things… At a time like this, you should just be resting! Not working! You idiot!” A flicker of genuine, heartfelt concern appeared in Hana’s eyes. “How… how exactly did you get hurt, anyway? Seriously. She—my dad—said it was from ‘developing a new special move,’ but Magical Girl Black’s collateral damage rate is always, consistently the lowest of any active hero—of course, the time she completely smashed up that shopping mall while fighting the Darkmoon Queen has to be excluded, obviously. And… and although it might be inappropriate for me to say this,” she leaned in closer, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper, “my dad… Black... she’s the type of person who thinks about things a lot, maybe too much. She would never let you get hurt over something as trivial as developing a new move. She’s too careful for that.” 

At this moment, she showed a shrewdness, an intelligence, a perception that was very, very unlike her usual, bubbly, gacha-obsessed self. “So, what’s the real reason you got hurt, Ren? What exactly did she, my dad, do that resulted in your injury?”

Hana Tanaka, Ren knew with a dawning sense of dread, was by no means a foolish person. Not at all. She just… she just seemed like a bit of a pervert sometimes. But in reality, a truly foolish person would be completely incapable of mastering an Esper ability as complex, as versatile as "Mage." Moreover, when her own power level had been far, far inferior to her opponents, Hana had still, with a surprising degree of skill and courage, managed to fight those two fiends until her own mana bar had been depleted. That, in itself, was more than enough proof of her sharp, tactical intelligence. For a person like her, a person as smart and as stubborn as she was, it was by no means easy to just fool her, to placate her with a simple, convenient lie and move on. And Hana, Ren could tell, clearly had no intention of dropping this particular, very dangerous line of questioning.

But her opponent was Ren Akiyama. He was the Ren she loved, and who loved her back. He was the person who, in this entire world, understood her better than anyone else. So, Ren knew exactly how to deceive Hana Tanaka. For someone like Hana, someone so smart, so perceptive, the best, most effective way to lie was to skillfully, artfully mix those lies with a generous helping of the undeniable, heartbreaking truth.

He let out a long, slow sigh, his face a mask of profound, almost theatrical guilt. He then, very discreetly, very lightly, patted the bed, a subtle signal for the terrified Magical Girl Black hiding under the covers to stay still and, for the love of God, not make any sudden, incriminating movements.

“The truth is, Hana… Black… she’s in a lot of pain,” he said, his voice soft, heavy, and filled with a carefully calibrated mixture of truth and sorrow.

Hana was taken aback. “A lot of pain?”

“Just… just think about it for a second, Hana! Your father, Kenji Tanaka, who is also, as we now know, the one and only Magical Girl Black. Her inner pain, her suffering… do you have any real inkling of it at all?” Ren asked, his gaze now serious, intense, as he looked directly into his girlfriend’s bewildered eyes. “Let me ask you a simple, straightforward question, Hana. This question, I must warn you, it might be a little… sharp. A little painful. But can you answer it for me? Honestly?”

His sudden, almost jarring seriousness made Hana a little uneasy, a little anxious, but she still, after a moment’s hesitation, nodded slowly.

“When you were so passionately, so fiercely defending Magical Girl Black online, in those flame wars… were you doing it from the standpoint of Kenji Tanaka’s loving, devoted daughter, or were you doing it from the standpoint of Magical Girl Black’s loyal, adoring fan?”

Hana gave a bitter smile. “That question… wow, Ren. It really is… really, really sharp. As Black’s fan, or as Kenji Tanaka’s daughter? I… I honestly… I have a very, very hard time answering that question.”

Ren, at that moment, felt a small, almost desperate hand give his thigh a sharp, insistent pinch from under the covers. He didn’t even flinch. He just, with a calm, practiced smoothness, silently reached his own hand into the blanket and firmly, reassuringly grasped the small, trembling, misbehaving hand in his own. He felt the girl, the magical girl, the father, instantly go still.

He maintained his serene, compassionate expression. “Your father—Tanaka-ojisan—first he lost your mother, his beloved wife. Then, his relationship with you, his only daughter, became strained, almost broken. After becoming a magical girl, a fate he never asked for, he was unceremoniously, cruelly fired from his original company. And then, he even, humiliatingly, failed at the blind date that was arranged for him. He’s actually… he’s in a lot of pain, Hana. A lot of profound, unspoken pain. Do you… do you truly understand his pain?”

Hana couldn’t answer this question. She couldn’t. It touched upon something raw, something deep, something she had always, deliberately chosen to selectively ignore… She wasn’t, she knew with a fresh, sharp pang of guilt, a truly filial, or even particularly good daughter. So, with a flustered expression, she defensively tried to change the subject. “So… so does this have any kind of necessary, logical connection to her injuring you?!”

“I… I deliberately, and with full knowledge of the risks, touched upon her wound,” Ren said, skillfully, artfully rephrasing his own rather… unconventional… actions from the other night. “A magical girl’s power, as you know better than anyone, comes from her heart, from her spirit. And her pain, her despair, it might have caused her to catastrophically Invert. I had to solve this potential problem. So I, of my own volition, deliberately touched upon her pain. And then… and then I provoked her. And the facts, as they say, prove my hypothesis. Magical Girl Black will fly into a rage out of shame and embarrassment. And so will Kenji Tanaka. No matter who she is, no matter what form she takes, the fundamental premise is… she is a ‘person.’ A fragile, hurting person.”

Hana fell silent, her expression now a mixture of sorrow, guilt, and a dawning, new understanding. She could, with a horrible, vivid clarity, roughly imagine what her brave, reckless, and wonderful boyfriend had done, what he had risked for her father’s sake. And she knew, with a certainty that made her heart ache, that for Ren, it must not have been a pleasant or easy memory at all.

Ren, seeing the look on her face, the way her own defenses were beginning to crumble, pressed on, his voice now gentle, almost a caress. “Hana, actually, this whole thing… it’s something that, ideally, you should have been the one to do. No matter what my relationship with your father is, I am in the end still an outsider. You are his biological daughter. You and he, you are the only two who have the room, the right, to be completely, brutally, and with no holds barred, open with each other. No matter how estranged you have become, the sacred, unbreakable bond of blood will always, always exist between you. However,” he added, a soft, warm smile on his face, “I love you, Hana. And your father also loves you very, very much. So we, the two men who love you most, we will solve this problem. Together. But… but you have to give me time. You have to trust me.”

His smile, his words, his gaze… they were all so impossibly, so unfairly gentle. “You have to give me time, Hana. What you should be doing right now is going with Magical Girl Red and growing stronger together. And what I have to do is help your father solve his deep-seated psychological problems. This, you see, is my area of expertise. It is where I am a professional. And it is, with all due respect, where you are not. You need to become strong enough to stand on your own two feet, Hana. So, for now, please… leave this matter to me. Can you do that? For him? For me?”

“…Because… because I am loved by you both,” Hana whispered, her voice thick with unshed tears, as she finally, truly understood, “you will solve this terrible, impossible problem by yourselves, without me. Is… is that what you mean?”

“Yes,” Ren replied simply.

“And this… this is also an expression of love?”

“This is, as it should be, as it always should be, an expression of love,” Ren said, his voice firm, unwavering. “Just as Magical Girl Black, just as your father, transformed in front of the entire watching world without a single moment’s hesitation, all for your sake. Love… love is just this kind of thing. It’s not always easy. Or pretty.”

Just as Ren himself had said, his words, his logic, they were all so incredibly, almost cruelly sharp. In a certain, very real sense, this was not the gentle, comforting attitude of a boyfriend talking to his beloved girlfriend. This was… this was almost like he was picking a fight with her. It could even, from a certain perspective, be considered a provocation. A challenge.

And Hana Tanaka, with a quiet, steely resolve in her eyes, silently, completely accepted it. “So,” she said, her voice now steady, clear, “what I should be doing now is just… just quietly shutting my mouth, and waiting for you to solve everything by yourself? Is that it?”

“Yes,” Ren replied. “Believe in me, Hana. Please.”

Just like that night, when Ren was about to enter the terrifying, unknown dimensional space, he had said those very same words to Hana. And just like that night, his attitude, his words, they stung Hana, they pierced her heart. Ren, her Ren, was just an ordinary person, a Normie. And she, Hana Tanaka, was a powerful Esper. And yet, in Ren’s world, in his eyes, she was still, and had always been, the one who needed to be protected. And in Magical Girl Black’s world, in her father’s world, it was probably the same as well.

Her father. Her lover. For a young girl, perhaps the two people who loved her most in her entire life, were, at the same time, both trying to protect her, to shield her from the harsh realities of the world. For most people, that would probably be something to be incredibly proud of, something to feel deeply, profoundly happy about.

But Hana’s feelings, at this moment, were incredibly, painfully complicated. She felt… she felt like she was a parasite. A mosquito, clinging to the two of them, sucking their blood, their strength, their resolve. She was too weak. Both her heart and her power—were just too damn weak. So weak that they had, both of them, placed her in the pathetic, helpless position of the one who always needed to be protected.

She stood up, a new, fiery determination burning in her eyes. “I… I’m going to go now,” she said, her voice now steady, strong. “If… if anything happens, you just call me, okay? I think… I think I should probably go, and… and train.”

Ren nodded, a proud, knowing smile on his face.

And Hana Tanaka, with a final, determined look at her boyfriend, finally left.

Magical Girl Black, after a few moments, slowly emerged from the bedcovers, her face a mask of conflicting emotions. She looked at Ren, her expression unreadable. “You little brat,” she said, her voice a low grumble, “you don’t even draft your lies before you spew them, do you? You really aren’t a very good person, you know that? I was so wrong about you before.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have had to say all those things if you hadn’t, you know, dived into my bedcovers like a panicked ostrich,” Ren retorted calmly. “But, tell me, Black. Do you really, truly think I was lying?”

Black was, for a moment, at a complete loss for words. After a long, heavy silence, she finally said, her voice a quiet whisper, “Wasn’t that… wasn’t that a little too cruel for that child?”

“Do you,” Ren replied, his own voice now gentle, “want to treat her like a child forever?”