Chapter 3: The Greenskin Plasma Gun

Darrius very quickly realized there was a glaring problem: he couldn't actually use the plasma gun.

Despite the weapon's bulk, it usually required a well-trained human soldier to wield with both hands, it was effectively the size of a pistol in an Ork's massive grip. That wouldn't have been so bad, but the trigger guard was the real issue. Darrius's thick, sausage-like fingers simply couldn't fit inside.

Possessing a masterwork weapon he couldn't fire felt like a eunuch entering a maiden's bedchamber: all the desire in the world, but none of the capability.

A surge of Orkish irritation flared in his chest. When an Ork gets angry, he needs an outlet. Darrius backhanded a nearby Grot, sending the creature spinning like a top.

Smarty was fast; the slap had originally been aimed at him, but he ducked just in time. Seeing Darrius's mounting fury, the Grot instantly surmised the cause.

"Dunt be sore, Sneaky Boss," Smarty piped up. "Da Humie gear iz a bit puny. Ain't big enuff, ain't WAAAGH! enuff. But sum of dem Humies are 'Iron Cans,' der dakka iz just da right size. Next time we krump sum Iron Cans, I'll find ya a proppa Big Boom, I promize!"

Suddenly, the clatter of heavy boots echoed from one end of the corridor. Moments later, Mekboy Smartnog emerged at the head of a mob of Ork Nobz and Boyz.

Upon spotting Darrius and his crew, Smartnog looked incensed. He snatched a Grot up with his hydraulic power-claw and roared, "Ya sed da Humies waz flankin' uz! Where'z da Humies?! Do ya know wot 'appenz when ya muck about wiv my scrapin'?"

Terrified, the Grot in the Mek's grip shrieked, "Dey waz 'ere! Dey waz! Da Boyz mussav krumped 'em all! Look! Dere's Humie bitz and gear everywhere!"

Smartnog's gaze followed the Grot's trembling finger toward Darrius, who was still sitting on the deck. Once again, in what was becoming a recurring bit of fate, Darrius found himself staring up at the Big Mek in wide-eyed confusion.

Smartnog tossed the Grot aside and strode toward Darrius. Standing five meters tall, the Mek towered over him like a mountain of green muscle and rusted iron.

"Ya again, ya sneaky lad," Smartnog growled, his bionic eye whirring. "Wot happened 'ere? Explain it proppa!" He snapped his power-claw twice near Darrius's head with a menacing clack-clack.

It was clear that if the answer wasn't satisfactory, Smartnog would pop Darrius's head as easily as a squig-ball.

"There were human soldiers, but we wiped them out. This is their weaponry," Darrius answered quickly, not daring to hesitate in the face of death. He held up the plasma gun as an offering.

Smartnog's expression darkened. The snapping of the claw grew more erratic and shrill. Just as the tension reached a breaking point, Smarty jumped into the fray.

"Boss Smartnog! A whole mess uv Humies jumped out uv dat tunnel ta scrap wiv uz! At furst, we'ze 'avin' a 'ard time, but den Sneaky Boss led uz an' we smashed 'em ta bitz!" Smarty grew more animated as he spoke, acting as if he had been the one leading the charge. "We uven grabbed a load uv shinies an' teef! Sneaky Boss wantz ta be a Big Mek, so I found 'im a Humie Big Boom!"

Smartnog grunted and lowered his claw, giving Darrius a stern look. "Stop talkin' loike a Humie. It sounds wrong. Dem Blood Axe gitz are barely Orky az it iz!"

His attention then shifted to the plasma gun. "Humie gear iz so small... ya call dis a Big Boom?"

"Wantin' ta be a Mek iz gud," Smartnog continued, his tone softening slightly. "But ya gotta use yer noggin. Fink 'arda. Fer now, keep krumpin'. Wun day, if ya krump gud enuff, yer brain will get it. Ya start out az a Spanna, see?"

As he spoke, a mechanical arm extended from the generator on Smartnog's back and snatched the plasma gun from Darrius's hand.

Smartnog squinted at the weapon with his bionic eye for a moment, then looked at Darrius. "Watch close an' learn. I'z gunna show ya how it'z dan."

Two more mechanical limbs sprouted from the Mek's back, one a stabilizer, the other a welding torch. Smartnog looked like a massive, green Doctor Octopus as his servo-arms blurred in a chaotic dance of modification.

A few clever Grots scavenged parts from nearby junk piles and rushed them to the Mek. Smartnog would snatch the components and toss the Grots a few teeth in exchange, which only fueled their frantic scavenging.

Fifteen minutes later, the "work" was done. A heavily modified, Orky-looking plasma pistol was shoved back into Darrius's hands.

"Humie tech iz pathetic. Da design iz absolute squig-dung. I dunno how dey uven get 'em to work," Smartnog spat dismissively. "Dat's az much az I can do fer now. Make do wiv it. Wanz we take dis ship an' I become a real Big Mek, I'll build ya a proper Boom dat's more WAAAGH!"

Darrius stared at the bizarre, misshapen device. He wanted to complain, but the words failed him. The thing had even been painted red.

Great, he thought. I hope it doesn't just explode the moment I pull the trigger.

Smartnog, convinced that Darrius was simply speechless at his genius, looked quite pleased with himself.

"'Sneaky' iz a gud name. Sinz da runts call ya Boss an' you'z da biggest one 'ere, dese Boyz are yers. Take 'em to da Powa Room. Krump any Humies dere an' dunt let 'em blow up da engines."

With a self-satisfied roar of "WAAAGH!", Smartnog and his Nobz vanished back down the corridor.

Darrius, still reeling from his brush with death, hadn't even had time to process his new mission before a crowd of Orks and Grots swarmed him, shouting and arguing.

"Sneaky Boss! Where' we goin'?! Where we gonna krump?!" one Boy shouted.

"Boss, dat Big Boom iz flash! How many teef iz it worf?"

"I reckon two hundred teef, eazy!"

"Pah! Ya squig-brain! Dat's worf three hundred or nuffin'!"

"Who you callin' a squig-brain?!"

Whenever too many Orks gather, trouble follows. Several Boyz began brawling, and the skirmish threatened to turn into a full-blown riot.

Nearby, Smarty climbed onto a crate, standing as tall as he could. Like a true chieftain of the small-fry, he began barking orders at the Grots. They obeyed instantly, cheering for every command. He looked like a budding Grot King.

"Sneaky Boss iz da best! Sneaky Boss WAAAGH! Sneaky Boss wantz more Big Shootas, more Dakka, an' Big Booms!" Smarty began to chant, his shrill voice rising above the din.