Chapter 63:

Chapter 63: Being a bumbling idiot is fun even if none believe you



It didn't take me much to recover thanks to my concubines offering me what healing they could and I recovered faster than I should have even with my blessing.

"I thank you for it my dear, have you packed your bags?" I asked my concubines.

The one healing me was the oldest of them and I felt bad, for I left each of them pregnant and it is very possible my children will be born fatherless in a year's time, for the True Priesthood of Slaanesh decided to break our agreement and now the Priesthoods of Cegorach and the Priesthoods of Slaanesh are at war.

This isn't ideal because Cegorach is the only one on talking terms with Slaanesh from among the Patheon and because those idiots couldn't just leave me be as they agreed, so I retaliated and now their priesthood is being decimated by Slaanesh as she realized they have been tricking her to her detriment… somehow…

I still need to find out what they have been singing to her exactly, but it wasn't a priority and now it's not really important, but I am curious. What did they try to achieve and are paying now for failing I wonder.

"You've been doing a lot of nonsense husband and yes we have done so. We merely await to see if the work of the flesh sculptors holds well before departing." Aine Shi stated plainly.

I looked at her curiously as everyone around me nodded. My mercenaries nodded, my concubines and their family nodded, my apprentice nodded, my hired blades nodded, the hidden shadows nodded and even the gods nodded.

"What nonsense are you on about? I've been a bumbling fool for the entirety of my stay here and got taken advantage by everyone I've met except my apprentice who I've taught nonsense." I explained to them.

Every single one of the mortals looked with a look that claimed 'You can't be serious!' at me as they gathered around.

"What are you on about Bessar?" Vect asked me as he rose up from his bedroll.

He was the only one that stood in it as the others lifted themselves up and he looked at the Dance of the Divine.

The rest of my audience looked at me expectantly as they gathered around me.

"I came to this world and found a halfway feral and mentally ill woman I cured and somehow did not kill unlike most of the people coming to me for healing. She proceeded to take me to her home, where her daughter which lived in a gutter managed to beseech the Divine for Assistance and she tricked me into elevating her family into the family of a priest as I took four of them as concubines thanks to their meddling and trickery. I proceeded to see a temple of the New Divine, where I noticed the local priests were quite bad at being priests, which proceeded to die in shame for it for it was one of my caliber that noticed it and then I took an apprentice I proceeded to teach some Nonsense to while I also saved up some humans from slavery, and did all that as I continued to kill most of the desperate fools coming to me for healing as I tried to heal them.

I've been such an embarrassment of a priest that even the princes haven't talked to me after months of me being here, because I am such a bumbling fool they're scared I'll make them look bad, and even the Divine come to laugh at me as they take advantage of me." I informed them in song and soul-speech.

"That is not at all what happened!" Every single one of them shouted.

I looked at them curiously while I laughed inside.

It is what it looked like I did to any onlooker I would tell this story to, and it's not my fault my actions had other consequences than what they expect when I tell them what I did.

'Huh, Moriarty too? That was fast.' I thought as I noticed the voice coming from the crystal.

"I'm glad to see you found out how to speak Moriarty, I'll get you some way to affect the real world shortly." I told him.

The crystal had the aura of disapproval radiating from it without using any psychic powers which was impressive.

"That is not at all what happened there!" He shouted at me again.

Well yeah, any braindead moron can see that, but he should not be saying it. I've come here and killed thousands as I walked, gotten temples and priests struck with orbital bombardment by their allies with a few words and kept cities in fear and terror as I killed the people in them with impunity for their own good as the gods approved of it. Those that could be useful or weren't truly vermin by choice would reincarnate fast in safe worlds or craftworlds while the others would be left to be eaten and it is a fate they brought on themselves too.

I also quite literally scared the pretender priests of the New Divine into changing their allegiance without ever meeting most of them and caused those that didn't do so fast enough to suffer the wrath of the divine they served, and caused a war between priesthoods and between priesthood and their Divine while doing it and managed to make it feel like someone else caused it.

Moriarty only saw part of it and even he called it bullshit, but it wasn't, for it was a priest's truth.

I looked indulgently at the very fragile crystal and informed him exactly of what transpired there as I kept him and everyone else in that ritual from dying.

"The New Divine came and mugged me for all the knowledge I would give her, and I can assure you I had been heavily taken advantage of." I informed him and the others.

I put my heart on my chest as I tried to sell them the idea that it is better to listen to the priest that means them well and not their lying eyes. He and those that were present there to see it will repeat this or suffer for it.

"Oh my family and friends I know my faults and actions and know them well, for this bumbling priest of Cegorach had fallen out of favor with the orthodoxy of his fellow priests for he is a foolish one. Do not try to deny the fact that you have taken advantage of me or that I have been mugged by all of you for all I have." I said as dramatically as I could.

I could see Vect catching on now and laughing hysterically at the jest the priest of Cegorach has been playing on this entire world as the rest of my Audience looked extremely confused, but such is fine. They'll probably understand what my play was all about later and my teaching stint to Vect was all about changing definitions in story telling. He managed to figure out what definitions I was using as I bumbled around and laughed at the play I made of this world for him.

The only one that was silent and unresponsive was my former older sister. She was entirely nonplussed and uncaring at me twisting definitions and pretended to be a baby that laughed at strange noises and dancing gods.

The others started to nod at my words even if they probably could not understand why I was saying them.

"Now, it is probably the last time I'll see most of you and so we need to make arrangements, Vect come sit in front of me, I have gifts for you now that you've finished your apprenticeship. I usually got my apprentices married off to my family, but I don't have any to give you on this world so I'll leave you some trinkets." I beckoned the most Evil eldar alive that isn't habitually eating babies.

He pranced in front of me and sat as my backpack danced into my hands.

"Now, Asdrubael Vect for your apprenticeship and for being a good student to a bumbling madman of a priest I give you a good sword that will serve you well, a splinter pistol I am sure you'll kill many fools with, leave you the bunkhouse that will remain empty as the Cult of Strife leaves in a few days and this, The Goblet of Desire! The stories will say that it is a mighty thing, that transforms any liquids poured into it into a beneficial liquid that empowers its drinker!" I said to much fanfare as I gave him the items in question as I pulled them from my pack.

He smiled in gratitude as I gave him the three items.

"It doesn't actually do that does it?" He asked slyly.

Who does he think I am, some hackjob that can't deceive my audience? I have standards and of course I did not give him something like that. That would defeat the point of my lessons.

"I would love to say that I am wounded my apprentice but that would be a lie. No, The Goblet of Desire is a piece of Deceit I leave to you, it is just a normal plain Golden Goblet with no decorations with an integrated Diagnostic Tool that will show you how your soul looks from my perspective. The thing itself is worthless by itself, but if the stories spread enough you'll be able to trick fools into breaking it and you'll be able to force them to remake it or something like it to try and earn your forgiveness. An apt gift for an Apprentice of Deceit!" I boasted.

He laughed at it and thanked me in song as he rose up and the sun started rising up after him.

"Aine Shi, Lieutenant come down here I need to talk to you as well then with my Blades and I'll need help to lift myself up as I can't feel my legs properly yet." I beckoned softly.

The two sat down in front of me as I did so. Suil Drithis was the Lady of her House but it was the two in front of me that lead the Cult of Strife, they are the most experienced members of their respective species in the organization after all.

"First of all, I would like to thank you for looking after me Aine Shi and I apologize for scaring you like this during the ritual Lieutenant, for things didn't exactly go to plan thanks to Moriarty being an asshole and so I had to improvise." I sang to the two.

Moriarty vibrated in disapproval, for he did not wish to have that nonsense attributed to him.

Too bad, he should have thought of that before wishing to take over my body, and he can take the fault for scaring them to atone for the attempt.

"You put one hell of a show sir." The lieutenant said.

He didn't understand exactly what happened there but it is fine, it did what it needed to do and that's all that mattered.

"You have nothing to thank us for Bessar, also we won't be seeing you again?" She asked as she noticed my words.

"Don't blame me for it." The crystal muttered softly after she finished speaking

The lieutenant's body went rigid.

"Indeed, the Birth of the New Divine approaches, and Lieutenant do not say her name out loud, not while you are in the Empire, for she takes it as an invitation to mess with you. Once she is born she and her servants will hunt all the true priests of the Pantheon and only those of Cegorach and Khaine have a chance at survival and those of Khaine won't take it if they get it. My second apprentice which does not realize he even is a priest of Khaine I had to prevent him from killing himself by teleporting his planet to the other end of the galaxy and made sure he's married and can't run from there to get himself killed.

I however, do not have the privilege of safety, for I will dance across time and space until I die and if I am lucky my soul won't be chewed on by the things that killed me." I informed them.

Their faces turned somber as I spoke and green and brown eyes met my gray eyes and realized that I was serious.

I do not want to be a deadbeat father, but all true priests will be hunted by Slaanesh once she is born, and unless I can get to safety and behind an obscene amount of fortifications like what my queen wife can provide me and my family with, then I will most likely die. I am sending all of them there regardless, but I won't be joining them as they will be safer without a Daemon God wishing me dead and sending its servants to end me.

I am her top priority after all, for I am both family, priest and avowed enemy.

Slaanesh will probably abstain herself from seriously invading the Tomb of her daughter if its well defended and protected and far away from the empire as long as she is infected with Chaos. She won't do so if I am there after I've nearly killed her, because the Narrative Momentum dictates that true priests are the only ones capable of creating proper large scale rituals that affect the Divines themselves, and she won't let us live for it unless we serve her interests and not even her own priests do that.

Nobody wishes her well, not even her family except my mother. Even me, even as I try to get her and my apprentice to marry I still do not wish her well, for I would very much wish for the two to die in a ditch somewhere I can't see them, but Vect has been a decent student that learned to respect his Master, and so I can't arrange for the man's death and have to make sure he is well and Slaanesh I have tried to kill and nearly succeeded.

Reconciliation is quite literally the last Plot we're willing to entertain and all the two unlikely newlyweds are to know of my presence here is that I arranged for one of several contingencies to get as many of our people to safety and lay the seeds for our resurgence as I did on every other world I've been to. They'll only learn more of it if they get married which I sincerely hope they won't have to.

"What next?" Marcus Aurrus asked me.

I considered it and thought about the latest nonsense I was subjected to and decided that it didn't really change my plans for the Cult of Strife.

"You will go meet up with Gua Bis, who is my clan sister and her family. There my concubines will give birth and the Cult of Strife will recruit some members and get some better gear and directions before heading off to other parts of the Empire. Once you're done there and leave the children with my daughter Aisse Geara you will leave and do what your organization was created to do. However before that, here take this." I told them as I handed Moriarty to him.

"Be careful with that!" It shouted as I left him to the Lieutenant.

"This here is Moriarty, he should be able to recreate some schematics for the cybernetics I promised you and a few other things as he still retains some of his old mental abilities. I'll make him some Wraithbone limbs he can use to write and kill things with and all should be good, and don't worry little one I'll leave them with multiple crystals in case the one you're in breaks and they should be able to make more easily." I informed them.

I could feel that Moriarty was annoyed, for I did not tell him he will work with Eldar, but all deals with Eldar have catches to them and he should be thankful Slaanesh did not give me enough time to add more.

He's alive to complain and should probably be grateful, but he's an asshole that can't realize it when you're being kind.

"Thanks sir." The Lieutenant said among tears.

I don't know what he's crying about, I am an eldar and I'll probably outlive him, but I did not leave my confusion show on my face.

"You're welcome, it's a shame he was hard to work with and didn't just give me the chance to ask for the schematics I wanted in the dream, but it is what it is. Aine Shi is there anything you wish to tell me?" I asked my oldest concubine as I turned to her.

"You have messengers, one of them carries a letter from your daughter." She said frowning.

I smiled for that is excellent news.

"Perfect, I'll talk with them after I finish talking with my blades, is that all?" I asked her.

She looked perplexed at my words but shook her head and let the matter go.

I could understand her confusion but such is fine. A letter is the most impersonal way the Eldar find polite to speak to one another, and it is considered quite rude to send one to your father, especially when you are a First Daughter and adopted at that, but it is fine. I asked for it after all, as I needed to sell the image of me being a bumbling fool and if your first daughter is sending you letters then you've truly hit rock bottom as far as respectability is concerned, and I doubt my adopted daughter liked writing it or sending it to me.

The two rose up and 'Swift Strike' came to replace them.

" 'Swift Strike' you know what foes I am to face and as such I am willing to renegotiate our agreement. You and the Black Blades can protect the Cult of Strife in your service to me and they'll be able to get you to a calm place where you can either continue being blades for hire for other masters or pursue other interests." I informed them.

I am perfectly willing to let them save themselves as what they unknowingly threw themselves into is a greater danger than that which they ran from and they seem like good people. I do not wish to have them regret their choices that they took in desperation, not when they'll be protecting my life or that of those I hold dear.

The five blades for hire looked disapprovingly at me due to my words but it was only their leader that spoke.

"No, we can't let our lord go meet a prince alone, he's been insulted too much already." The man said as seriously as the grave I escaped from.

I laughed at his words as he played along with what I wished to do and I realized that what my blades lacked in their ability to discern danger, they more than make up for it in loyalty. When my siblings hear they jumped in front of me to escape the wrath of a prince all of them will laugh at it, for just by being near me they are in ten times as much danger.

"I thank you for your loyalty my blades, now please help me up, my legs still feel funny from standing in this position for so long." I said.

My blades helped lift me up as I slowly dusted myself off and cleaned the blood off me.

"Thank you, now I wish to see these messengers."

I did not even finish speaking properly that two shadows manifested in front of me.

One was a woman and a Shadow of Hoec full of their weird ever-shifting nonsense while the other was a man merely covered in shadows.

The two looked at each other before the man bowed slightly and offered to let her go first. She nodded and knelt in front of me.

"I greet you Bessar Agail, I am here to repay a debt my husband has made when he was sent to your apprentice for medical healing and Immunization and thus deliver a letter to you from your daughter and wife to the Medicine Peddler that helped us." She said and raised the letter until it stood above her head.

I remained silent as I pulled it out and read it.

"Father if you ever make me disrespect you like this I will end you. You have already taken an Adoptee as a First Daughter and thus left yourself without a proper heir in perpetuity, I will not have any think said Adoptee does not respect you.

You gave me too much to make me give you such a reputation.

I will start this letter as is tradition with news of family and inform you that I have given birth to a filial son. He remains Unnamed for he is too young for a name still, but he is very Cute and Respectful, for even as young as he is he knows to respect his parents and is being raised with the stories of his grandfather and wise princess on whose world he was born.

If he proves himself worthy of it we might name him something in your or grandfather's honor and I will ensure he carries either yours or Cippani Oiair's legacy properly. It is the least I could do for both of you.

My husband continues to honor his Master and has taught a new Mistress of the art of his Craft and she has learned properly and fast even if she does not take the time to go through all of her lessons before reaching her final lesson.

Your clan continues to shower me in love and treat me as family should and I will do the same to the children of your concubines the Divine tricked you into taking and will have you know that I am quite happy to receive and raise them as my own and that my Home will be done in a few years and will have the additions you suggested and room for growth.

Gua Bis continues plotting her rise as Godmother of her clan and attempts to prepare the marriage of Rionala Arana with Asurman the Second. I am unsure if she will succeed before the Great Event, but she will take her old position back as her clan head remains unmarried and afraid of it, for his Mother is Mighty and loves him greatly.

The Man Among Men has taken the message you have wished to send to him and was told by a troupe of Cegorach that his senior apprentice to his mistress rests on Craftworld Anaen and among his wishes which I have sent to Cegorach to ensure they are fulfilled he has expressed his desire to personally beat him to near death for abandoning their Mistress and for becoming a farseer and wishes for your help with it.

The princess continues to be as wise as Gua Bis is Mighty and continues to fortify her world as the Damned Priests of Cegorach wish for and still maintains its civilization with a skill that has left your nephews gaping and speechless as is proper for princesses to do and she prepares for the Evacuation as a cordon has been prepared for her by my uncles and aunts.

The Partial Militarization you have proposed to your peers has seen great support among the worlds favored by the Damned and we estimate we should be able to keep a Starfaring Empire in real space with the Soul Stones you have provided us and many prepare ourselves to swear our allegiance to a new Queen and your wife.

I eagerly await to meet my siblings and mother.

With Love Aisse Gearra, loving daughter, wife and mother to fools."

I read the message and made sure only myself would know of its contents, for I burned it and couldn't help but mutter.

"She needs to work on her death threats, she is the daughter of a priest, this is quite underwhelming." I spoke.

Vect and my blades chuckled at that. They were the only one playing along to my jest it seems but such is fine, for it would be quite rude for my family to laugh at their host before meeting her.

I turned towards the messenger as I spoke.

"Please rise and know that I thank you for the delivery and ask you to send my regards to my daughter and that I ask her to work on her death threats more, for she'll need them and I can't have people think my daughter is not as frightening a woman as she should be." I sang to her.

It was true, for I leave worlds quivering in fear and I can't have my daughter seem this friendly and nonthreatening to people that are not her family or I'd turn into an actual laughingstock in front of my peers.

She rose from her kneeling position and bowed slightly then disappeared.

The man approached and knelt as the shadows left his face but continued covering the rest of his body.

He had dark green hair and a face covered by a red mask fashioned in the shape of that of Khaine. Shadows blessed by Khaine are pretty rare as most are dedicated to Hoec or Cegorach but some blessed of Khaine do find themselves a duty in the Darkness.

Asurman even gave them a place or two for themselves, for the man is too kind and gives you many paths to take depending on what you wish to make of your life. It's a pity I won't meet him, for a self-trained priest of his caliber is incredibly rare. It is even rarer for such priests to become lesser Divines.

"I greet you fearsome priest, I have come here for my prince Reaga Namathuad has returned from campaigning in the Webway but a few days ago and has heard your name sang by his subjects and wishes to meet you as is proper." The Murderous shadow declared meekly as it knelt.

"I greet you as well Murderous Shadow, against whom has he campaigned that they have kept him away from his domains as such?" I asked softly.

Being away on campaign would be a decent excuse assuming he is speaking the truth, but if he isn't then it's an actual insult to me. It's one thing to not invite an important individual that has been in your territory, it is quite another to lie about why and use something as serious as campaigning as to the reason why.

"Craftworld Anaen holy one. They have stolen an important item from one of his mothers-in-law of his first lady wife and he was among the Punitive Force meant to retrieve it, but unfortunately they failed after the leader of his expedition and brother-in-law died and they were forced to concede defeat." He replied.

I smiled at him and motioned him to rise.

"All is forgiven friend, know that I do not hold any ill will to your prince for keeping me waiting and ask you to let your prince know that I will come visit him in a few days to allow him to recover and reconnect with his family and be made aware of the events that have recently transpired in his domain and those that concern him." I explained kindly.

How kind of him to give me a reason to visit that craftworld, for I had someone to prepare to receive a beating on it.

The man nodded and thanked me for it in song, before he too disappeared from one heartbeat to the next.

I'll make sure to thank the prince for his gift with one of my own.