Chapter 31:

Chapter 31

~~~Da Xiu~~~

Moving in large groups is a pain, I don't know how Tai Su manages to keep us going in a single direction as I've tried doing the same for less than a day while the other man is busy moaning in pain and hiccupping and all I can say about the experience is never again.

I don't like leadership, I don't like having the destiny of others in my palm and need to think about too many things for no good reason, but because the life of others is to be decided by my will. I want things to be simple, to do the work I need to do and beat up whatever needs a beating.

It's even harder when doing it with little visibility as the sun was rising now, but we did leave while it was dark. Tai Su said it was so we left at the time least likely for animals to be awake or active as the night animals would be preparing for sleep and the normal ones might still be asleep.

"I can smell something weird." Bao Xiaoli said as we were crossing the river.

It was a small thing, the water barely reaching my knees and I am pretty sure that if we were to search for a better spot we could find a spot where it couldn't even reach our ankles. It didn't change the fact that I hated the feeling of wet clothes and boots but we didn't have the time to complain or do something about it, we had to hurry.

"All of us can now I imagine." I replied gruffly.

Tai Su and Ya Xue started feeling it some time before with Ya Xue just falling unconscious from the pain and Tai Su being little better now that we've reached the river. He has been barely aware of the world around him for a few minutes as he started acting drunk, before quickly acting as if he got drunk the night before.

The rest of us started feeling it too, if far less, this strange Qi. It was a vile taste in our mouth as if we've eaten a half decomposed carcass composed of a thousand different animals, there was a faint buzzing in our ears, our skin felt covered in dry mud and our noses smelt only roses. We felt Tai Su's and Ya Xue throwing Qi at us and it did not feel anything like it. Tai Su's felt like a warm meal while Ya Xue's smelled of something that reminded me of flowers even if it wasn't any I've ever smelt before.

The feeling of this contaminated Qi was a faint thing however, something easily ignored if one was not paying attention except the taste one. It was not debilitating but it was noticeable and uncomfortable.

"It feels like I am drowning in shit." Tai Su moaned in despair as he did his best to not puke.

"Please don't, carrying you is already hard enough and I barely managed to avoid it the last time!" I replied.

I doubt he had anything left in him, but I thought so the last time too and he proved me wrong. Thank the Heavens it just splashed on the river bank.

"What?" He asked.

I sighed loudly at that.

"Nothing, just try to keep on moving."

He felt a debilitating smell but even his other senses were assaulted by the Qi in the Air and he told us that it feels as if a mountain is constantly falling around him. He can't hear us well but it's not to the extent that Ya Xue can't even stand awake from it.

We're lucky the twins have some strong backs and few supplies as one of them can carry Ya Xue and the other both their bags and tools.

"I can't wait to be back on dry land, we should have found a better path, I hate being this wet." Yu grumbled.

"We need to hurry to move as far as possible from the river. You remember what that meant right?" Bao Xiaoli asked back, her voice thick with annoyance.

The women were in the center of out formation and so I couldn't see it but my instincts told me that my wife did not appreciate the comment.

I didn't need to have Tai Su's ability to feel emotions, living with Yu for years made me instinctively know when a comment was bound to make her angry and that comment was exactly the sort of thing that insulted her intelligence and would have made her angry even on a good day.

We haven't had a good day since we awakened our cultivation, I did not need the two going at each other now.

"We need to hurry and leave the river before a beast finds us, Bao Xiaoli, Yu please be silent before a beast hears us and decides we'd make a fine meal." I pleaded of the two women.

I could hear huffs behind me, but they did as I asked.

Animals deciding to use rivers as a fighting arena was not something we needed, not when two out of the three bannermen of our squad are incapacitated and the third has to carry one of them.

Tai Su has little fat on him, but he's still heavy from his muscles and what I assume are some tough bones because he feels heavier than someone slightly shorter and with less muscles than me should feel. Either that or the contaminated Qi was also sapping our strength which meant we needed to hurry even more.

The river was thankfully thin, being only twice as long as I was tall and we passed through it with little issue. It being silent did not stop me from being cautious.

We chose to move as fast as possible to prevent us being found by any beasts as we are in no position to fight them with Ya Xue and Tai Su in their current state.

"We need to rush now, no time to get dry until we find a spot far away from the river." I ordered.

A screech sounded from my left, the opposite side where Tai Su was and all I saw in front of my face as I turned was red, brown and a flash of gray.

"What?" I exclaimed sharply as I moved back one step.

The others were startled, all except the woman the gray came from, Mei Lin, the Ice Blooded.

The two crippled bannermen just moaned in pain and to my side I could feel Bao Xiaoli check on Tai Su and then move to check on Ya Xue.

"A squirrel." She declared plainly.

I looked at it and I saw that she was right. It was or better said it used to be a squirrel, I think. The knife smashed right through its face and through it's neck making its front a disfigured mess of bone and blood as it impaled itself on the kitchen knife. It looked like it struggled on it too which cause the entire mess.

"Thank you Mei Lin." I said gratefully and started walking again.

She did not reply and instead only returned back to Bao's side. I could also hear a whispered thank you from Yu behind me who was quickly joined by some encouraging words from Bao Xiaoli.

It seems even she was getting annoyed now that Tai Su wasn't here to keep the peace. She had been nothing but polite so far with me when Tai Su was around but now that he's been debilitated for half an hour even her temper was fraying and she was forgoing courtesy.

Or maybe I was missing something as the woman is an Ice Blooded.

'The women are getting snippy, we need a proper plan and the other man is heavy. Tai Su, please recover swiftly, you're heavy to carry around.' I silently prayed.

Said man continued to moan in pain and dry heave as the rest of us did our best to put as much space between ourselves and the river.

~~~~Mei Lin~~~~

How does one describe color to someone who was born without eyes? How does one adapt to the feeling of being cared for when you yourself never cared for much? How does one adapt to it when it is happening to them?

I don't know.

I don't know how to explain it, I don't know if I should explain it, I don't know who to explain it to. Do I explain it to myself? Which one? The one who does not feel it or the me born when I do?

"What are we to do now?" I asked Da Xiu.

Tai Su has finally fallen asleep as whatever torment the river had been putting him and Ya Xue through has ended and he too fell asleep exhausted from it. We're currently moving away from the river with our only direction being south.

Without our leader in a position to organize things then it's up to either senior Bao or Da Xiu to lead our group until he wakes up and neither of them can handle the social aspects well. So far Da Xiu has lead us while we were in danger, but soon we will be out of it and according to the fluid hierarchy Tai Su enacted it would be up to Bao to decide where to go.

Assuming the hierarchy holds that is.

Tai Su is the one keeping this group functional as cultivation removed something from all of them. Even Haoran and Cheng were changed and now my old methodology of keeping them happy and loyal is not as effective.

They are wilder, less restrained, quicker to take offense and while they listen to me as their older sister still, things are less stable as things that would have caused a grumble before sometimes cause genuine anger. The others are little better, but at least Ya Xue does not cause me any issues and senior Bao has decided I am a useful subordinate so as long as I do not go against her words she won't bother me.

Annoying, all I can feel now is annoyance. I want to feel happy and content, I want the not-warmth of joy and care not this shadow of emotion keeping me permanently thirsty for something I didn't know I needed until I had it.

Gray is supposed to be a color, not a state of being, I want the world to make sense, I want to no longer crave to not feel gray. I can't do that, I need Tai Su or Ya Xue to feed me Qi to feel and none of them can do so for now.

I looked forward and I felt the memory of what it feels like to feel and the thirst returned and I looked at Tai Su's back to think if I couldn't just take those emotions from him. I stowed those instincts back, because even assuming I succeed in feeling again the others will just kill me and assuming I survive that I will be left alone and with nobody to vouch for me or another source of emotions if whatever I can take from them runs out.

No, it's better to get a steady low risk supply than risk things. Low-risk has been my mantra for my entire life and if it wasn't for my brothers wishing to be cultivators despite it I wouldn't have ever seen risk.

"We move a bit further south until we find a good enough spot to camp at and wait for Ya Xue and Tai Su to wake up. We decide what next then." Da Xiu answered.

"Sounds like a great idea." Bao agreed and thus our course was set.

I moved to the end of our group near Cheng and Haoran. I need to look after them to see if they are right and for them to remember they are important to me and I to them. I wish they realized it and continued to remember it without me needing to remind them daily.

"Cheng, Haoran are the two of you well?" I asked the two.

Cheng was carrying Ya Xue, while Haoran was carrying both their bags. With two of our better fighters down gear had to be moved around and thankfully the three of us had the least of everyone around so we did not need to leave anything behind.

The most annoying thing to carry were the spears though. I was not good with them, but they were too useful and large to let be.

"We're fine Mei, Ya Xue at least did not puke like your new husband." Cheng answered with a small laugh.

"Yes we're fine, how are you Mei? " Haoran asked back with worry in his eyes.

Why would he be worried for me? I wracked my head trying to remember why and it came to me shortly. I was rude to Da Xiu and did not acknowledge his thanks.

One annoyance after another, but at least my siblings are the only ones that won't be using my lapses against me, unlike the women in my former social circle that would find a way to turn a sneeze into an insult.

"I… I am fine Haoran just tired and annoyed." I answered honestly.

"It's not about you being taken in by Tai Su is it?" Cheng asked worriedly.

There was an honor code between out groups where we would try not to eavesdrop on each other's conversations despite being close to one another. The others tried their best to uphold it but a quick glance in front of me told me that Bao was now paying attention.

It was to be expected she would go around said honor code when it came to her interests, I never cared for the unspoken agreement, but she was now the wife to a family with two concubines and she needs to make sure she won't have issues with me or Ya Xue.

I chuckled softly and prepared to give an answer that won't cause Bao to start thinking I am an issue to be taken care of.

"Related to it, but I don't care much about it. I just wish Tai Su was awake and things were easier to make sense of." I answered

I don't care for becoming dependent on Tai Su and his family, me finding a cultivator husband to look after me and my siblings was one of the few ways thing would have turned out well and while the way I became linked to one was unexpected, it was not unwelcome.

Being a concubine is a common enough thing, plenty of women find themselves without a husband or man to look after them in the city because the men join the banner and die and so families with a concubine are not exactly common, they are hardly rare or unheard of.

My circumstances make sense however, I desperately want what only Tai Su and Ya Xue have so far been proven to be able to give me and so I am willing to subject myself to their whims to get it. Ya Xue's circumstance mystify me however but Banner families are weird and there's probably something related to their honor or some other related nonsense explaining why she's also a concubine.

"Are you sure Mei? We can just leave if you don't want to stay." Haoran asked and Cheng nodded.

The sigh of disappointment I gave the two was genuine, which was the first sign of emotion I did not have to pretend to feel today.

'This is not something we should be talking about in earshot of the people we plan to abandon you halfwits.' I thought to myself but did not say.

The two noticed it and they had also realized the meaning of their words. They at least had the good sense to be ashamed because even if I wanted to do that, the last time and place we should be discussing this is here and now.

"No brothers, I am perfectly happy with my current circumstances and would like to stay together still." I answered softly.

I may be constantly annoyed, have to walk softly around the whims of unstable people and have to look out for murderous rodents, but I have tasted happiness and I am not letting my only source walk away from me.

I can finally feel attached to something and I am not letting the only way for me to do so out of my sight.