Chapter 35:

Chapter 35

~~~~Tai Su~~~~

It starts with breathing both life and cultivation. You inhale air, which in turn goes into your lungs and from there oxygen goes through your blood which goes to every part of you.

Cultivation is similar I have found, only you do not breathe through your nose, but through your meridians.

Heavenly Qi is drawn through the smallest possible branches of my meridians, which in turn is spread around the entirety of my meridian network. From there it is filtered slowly and gently into my dantian where it is stored. When that is done I can then use it to either properly cultivate my dantian in preparation for its Ascension, or I can store it for later use which still does the same thing, but a significantly slower speed.

There is however something going out, something I can't sense, but I know is there by the simple fact that what I am doing is called refining and not concentrating and in order to do that something that is not Heavenly Qi must be removed… or added I suppose, but added from where I do not know.

The Water Root Sublimation Sutra calls this a cycle and in a cycle what comes in must eventually come out. After each inhale, I must wait for my meridians and dantian to exhale whatever is it that is left of the Heavenly Qi that was not turned into Refined Qi.

The manual tells me that I must do so, explicitly calling the action as 'Exhaling' but it does not tell me what I am exhaling is, only that I can start inhaling once the meridians stopped tingling, or as the manual calls it 'shivering'.

I've learned to time them, and use them as a time measuring stick. All of us are doing it now technically, and mine and Ya Xue's are the longest, with one of our cycles lasting ten minutes, while those of everyone else lasting one minute.

"Eighteen." I said as I opened my eyes.

It was morning now, the sun was making its presence known despite the canopy of trees, which meant it wasn't quite sunrise as we estimated, but one hour later.

It wasn't as cold as it should be, or perhaps I was not feeling it? This early in the morning I should feel the cold breeze, especially in the forest and yet I felt perfect, neither too cold or too hot or even sweaty after completing eighteen cycles.

If a single cycle took exactly ten minutes then it should have still been dark now. I don't know if it's because exhaling is irregular or if it's because of the strain cultivation places on me preventing me from inhaling at a consistent pace, but I am still unable to maintain a consistent tempo to each cycle.

That will change in time I hope.

"Should I wake everyone else?" Mei Lin asked.

The night watch had two of us awake, one cultivating to keep the time, and another to look out for danger.

"No, you can relax." I answered.

The others can sleep for a bit longer still. Ya Xue and Yu Zong have been the ones to be awake before us and they need a bit more sleep still. Besides it gave us some time to talk.

She was sitting to my right, her body wound up tight as every part of her was kept aware and on guard for what a bit more than three hours. I am not sure if I would be able to match that, three hours of mental focus while doing nothing is nowhere near as easy as one would think, at best I can do one hour before my mind starts wondering and I need something to focus on.

I am unsure if this is due to Mei Lin being an Ice Blooded or because she was incredibly motivated to do it, but she can keep her focus on staying on guard the longest out of all of us.

"I want to feel what it's like to care." She said simply as she relaxed and leaned into me.

"Care about what?" I asked.

There's a lot of things I care about, and that I could teach her what to care for.

"Care about those following me." She clarified.

I did not like the sound of that.

"Do you want to know what it's like to care for your siblings again?" I asked hoping she would answer yes.

"No."

Air came in and then it came out. I was hoping she wouldn't say that.

"You want to feel what it's like to feel responsible for others, why?"

That's not something I am prepared on most days, it's quite a lonely experience.

"I want to feel what you feel, I want to understand why you do what you do because it makes little sense." She answered.

I sighed, if that's what she wants, then that's what she'll get.

Our relationship is based on me being able to provide her with the emotions she can't feel alone. She follows me and obeys me for that reason alone and I've decided to sweeten the deal and allow her to ask me to show her specific emotions as opposed to just whatever I want her to feel.

I did so to create good will for when she can feel emotions herself, because I don't imagine her current situation being permanent. If I am right then all she needs to do is advance in her cultivation enough and she'll gain enough control over her meridians to possibly move them or prevent them from acting or absorbing her emotions, because she is still feeling emotions.

Her emotions are still there, the infrastructure needed for her to feel emotions is working, her mind is simply not registering emotions and my little injections overwhelm her meridians capacity to absorb some of them and allow her to feel things.

"Very well, but it is going to be… an experience." I answered and put my hand on the back of her head.

That position is where the meridians responsible for her affliction are and making the injection there is the most effective.

I focused on my experience leading people, of caring for them and the cold reality of what that means.

"Why is this fear? Why does my chest hurt?" She asked, her voice ragged.

"Look at your siblings." I instructed gently.

She did and she gulped.

I could not see her face but I could imagine what she is feeling.

"What you are feeling is the reality of leadership, of being responsible for those you care for, of knowing that everything that happens to that which you cherish is your responsibility. You can feel it, your care for your siblings who have chosen to trust and follow you." I continued.

The smell of something came from her, it smelt of vanilla, no it wasn't that I think but something close and I think it's my analogue to familial love. How strange. I haven't felt this emotion before, not sure I even sent her that, and yet she's feeling it.

The smell was gone in seconds though, the intensity of the emotions she feels shortening the duration she can feel it for.

"Why is it fear?" She asked, her voice intense.

Oh, I managed to find something that could get a reaction from her even after she stopped feeling it. Love does strange things it seems.

'How hilarious.' I thought as a soft chuckle started escaping me.

"There are two types of leadership, possessive and protective. Possessive is when you care about individuals because they are yours, and so when something is to happen to them you weigh in the benefit of an action with the risk of losing them, and it is a cold cynical thing to experience it and it is what most people think of when they think of leadership. What you experienced is the second one and what I feel. I want to protect those under me, I care implicitly for the individuals and the thought of something happening to them fills me with fear, because if that person is gone, they're gone and I am left all alone." I said and made another injection.

She shivered as the weight of my words hit her and she was now imagining what it would be like to lose her brothers.

"I don't like this emotion. Please do not feed it to me again." She said once she recovered.

I nodded at that, this sort of emotion is not something most people would experience if they had a choice on the matter. The thought of knowing the lives of the people you care for depend on you and that mistakes would see you lose those you cherished is frightening.

Possessive leadership is more useful when dealing with large groups of people you don't know well. It insulates you from the loss of losing them, it allows you to make decisions that would save many for the sacrifice of the few, and it's not a state of mind I think I can get myself into.

Not when it comes to looking after my friends and family at least. Maybe it will be different when I have to look after others. I wish I would not need to experience it, but I must. My family and friends need me and the fear of losing them holds no candle to the grief of actually losing them.

Now, that's enough being alone with my thoughts, I have to prepare for dealing with the civilians.

Hopefully their leader is not that Huang man. I would rather not have to deal with him as I am unsure if I can remain calm when I do so.

"Wake everyone up, we need to start getting ready." I ordered.

She proceeded to do just that and shortly after the camp was gathered up and were following Bao's arrows.

~~~~Feng Shan~~~~

If somebody would have told me how difficult leadership is when I was young I would have never bothered.

The me of today would slap my younger self of ten years ago and my younger self would thank me if it meant I saved him from the hell that I am experiencing.

"Who decided to shit near camp again?" I asked tiredly as I rose up from the ground and stopped cultivating.

This is the third time some idiot decided to do that and ended up making the entire camp smell of shit.

Hopefully it's just that bastard Sun farting loudly again. The man's farts smells worse than death and if he wasn't so capable with surviving in these woods and teaching people how to make camp I would have exiled him.

Unfortunately, mother's lessons told me quite simply that you don't do that. If you throw away useful and loyal people that helped you in the past because you don't like them, then the rest of your subordinates will stop being useful or help you and her lessons were the only thing helping me keep this group together.

I took a cautious sniff, the vile smell was horrific, but it wasn't as bad as Sun's farts. Someone shat in the camp again.

"Na Luo died in her sleep from the mushrooms she decided to try." Huang answered from my side.

I closed my eyes.

So she died and her body acted as all dead bodies do and shit herself… fuck…

The tiredness hit even harder, I was the one that allowed her to try a bite just in case. Our situation is desperate and we need a new source of food. I agreed to let Na Luo try because the mushrooms she found were abundant nearby and I considered the risk worth it despite Sun's objections.

Now a woman died.

"Sun was right." I said simply.

I opened my eyes and started walking.

"Yes, he and Ya Ming have taken her body far from camp to bury it. They took two others to dig the hole as well but the smell lingers." He answered.

"Excellent thinking, thank Sun for his fast thinking when he's back. Why was I not announced?" I replied.

I put myself at the edge of the camp to allow myself to cultivate, as the mass of bodies made it more difficult to do so as Qi grew sparse. I didn't forbid people from coming to me, in fact I welcomed them.

Better for them to come bother me before a mess is made than after and I need to fix it.

"I only found out recently as I was wrangling cultivators, apparently they just thought she shit herself but was still alive and in pain and didn't want to get near. Someone said they heard moans."

Cowards, the lot of them, wastes of food too.

Na Luo wasn't the most pleasant woman around, with her being constantly combative and argumentative and petty, but she took a risk when everyone was too busy being miserable and her reward was to die alone moaning in pain and in her own filth.

I would be angry, I know the me before coming here would have been. All I am now is tired of everyone's nonsense and cowardice.

I'd rather fight the beasts near the river than deal with this sorry lot, unfortunately my father raised me to be a Virtuous Son, and my mother would skin me alive if she heard I had the opportunity of putting myself in a leading position within my generation and I decided to throw it away because it was hard.

"I see, nothing we can do about it then." I said bitterly.

"Yes, speaking of health, the lemon bannermen's medicine is as good as they said, we used almost all of it already for the injuries people have, it's effective for foot injuries." Huang replied.

In front of me, the poor excuse of cultivators were looking miserable as they huddled together. Some stood on the open grass, others shared a blanket.

None dared look me in the eyes. If they did all they would have seen was the eyes of a man who thought he had found the lowest point humans can steep down to and yet he had found a new hole people can throw themselves into.

" Bring Sun, Ya Ming and Lee Kai to the center of the camp. Find Lee Kai and if he's still handling the supplies to tell us how much we have left, same for water." I ordered.

The five of us take most of the decision in this poor excuse of an expedition. Sun handles survival training and foraging, Ya Ming ensures disputes that can be handled peacefully are handled that way, Lee Kai takes inventory of our supplies and makes sure nobody is stealing, Huang is my second and I try and figure out what we can do and plan ahead.

"Lee Kai is organizing both still, as if the bastard would let anyone near them." Huang answered dryly and left to do as I asked.

I scoffed, of course he wouldn't. We both knew the second part of my order was a joke. The man was the son of a quartermaster and was as hard to remove from his hoard as weeds from stone.

I went to the stump in the center of the camp and sat on it and awaited for my… court? Yes court fits the closest. They aren't my senior staff, none of them are senior anything and to pretend this ramshackle expedition was anything close to something deserving any military title was too stupid a notion to consider.

Huang was as always the first to come, followed by Sun, then by Ya Ming and finally Lee Kai came. All of them settled in front of me as they awaited for me to start the meeting as always. Even they, the ones I trusted the most insisted on letting me be the one to start things.

"Lee Kai, our supply situation as always." I started.

"Five days of food if we ration it, same for water, unless someone will be trying to rush an expedition back to the river." He answered.

Same as before. There are thirty-six of us left in this expedition and the death of one of us was not enough to offset the lack of supplies. We're lucky we managed to find dead beasts and plenty of fruits, otherwise we would be starving already.

"Huang, Ya Ming, do we have any volunteers for it?" I asked.

"No, none approached me about it." Huang answered.

"Nobody seemed eager to try it again from what I heard." Ya Ming said shortly after.

I'll have to lead it this time won't I? There was another group that tried yesterday and only three out of the five that went on the trip returned.

At least we didn't lose any waterskins that time.

I sighed and my resolve strengthened, it seems I'll have to do some things myself.

"Find me at least four other people willing to try to approach the river again and I'll go lead them." I declared.

Everyone nodded as if that was normal, and we weren't taking a huge risk… again.

I turned towards Sun.

"Sun, you were right, has Na Luo's funeral been done with some dignity at least?" I asked.

"We did not clean her, but buried her deep enough nobody is likely to try and lift her to check, permission to use some of the water to clean ourselves? We stink." He replied.

That gave me an idea. The lack of water to clean ourselves has been an issue for everyone, even the cultivators. Giving people the approval to fix it if they make themselves useful is bound to be useful.

"Granted, Huang, Ya Ming inform everyone that whoever agrees to come on the expedition can use some water to clean themselves. If anyone complains tell them that whoever helped with Na Luo's burial will also be allowed to do the same." I said.

Sun and Ya Ming bowed in gratitude at that. Living away from easy sources of water and after having to deal with burying a woman who died in her own filth? If there's anyone that needs to wash it's them.

"We should have sent someone to follow the bannermen." Ya Ming said.

So we're talking about them now, and it's Ya Ming that decided to bring up of all people.

I glared disapprovingly at everyone else that gathered here for putting her up to this. The woman is scared of taking initiative, which considering that she is the daughter of some noble lady's personal maid it's to be expected. Her taking initiative is noticeable enough to require consideration, well more consideration than normal.

"Three on seven, and it was our own that nearly broke from a few words. None of us are warriors and the last thing we want is to cause an incident." I replied.

The cherry bannermen can keep our subordinates fighting due to being so hated that anger serves instead of courage, that and the cherries are cowards and we outnumber the ones that are left from what I can guess.

The lemon bannermen on the other hand? According to those that know of such things they are no cowards and there's little anger to keep people fighting them.

"We do need to think about what to do about them, especially if they want to join us." Huang interjected.

I looked up towards the forest. By accident I placed myself in the direction Huang came from yesterday, and I know this now because I can see at the edge of the tree line several figures walking towards us.

The others saw that my eyes wandered past them and turned back and saw the same thing I was seeing.

"We treat them same as any prospective member, welcome them if they wish to stay, wish them luck if they don't. Clean yourselves then come with me to greet them, they'll be here in minutes." I declared and rose up.

I started walking back towards the edge of our camp and awaited for my subordinates to come join me as I took in the sight in front of me.

I could see the ones described by Huang, Bao Xiaoli and Ya Xue, the two warrior women. They moved with purpose, their spears at their side, both of them ready to jump into a fight.

I also saw two warrior men and a third warrior woman that moved the same way as them. There were three others as well, but they did not move like them, they moved with focus yes, but they did not move with the barely restrained violence of the others.

'This is going to be a long day, I just know it.'

AN: Chapter 45 is up on patreon and with it being done so did the trial end.