Volume 2-Chapter 5

Chapter 5

~~~~ Mei Lin~~~~

Married life is something I researched extensively in my plans of making sure I won’t die alone and with nobody to look after me.

‘Men can live alone for a long time, but will never thrive alone, and women can thrive alone, but they will not live for long if without a husband.’ Were the last words my mother told me on the subject before she died.

I don’t know what she expected a young girl that could barely speak to understand from her words, because I’ve met women twice as old as I am now that can’t understand the wisdom in those words, but with each year of life my mother’s wisdom proved truer and truer.

A marriage is the symbiosis of two equal parts, of Yin and Yang, each side not being able to exist properly without the other and carrying parts of the other within itself.

Men without women can live long lives, as shown in old monks that despite not being cultivators are the most likely individuals to reach one hundred years old. They always die with regrets or lacking some sort of human part I learned to recognize, a soft layer of life built upon the stone that is a man’s heart, and one that men without someone to truly love and a legacy to leave behind lack.

The happiest women I’ve ever seen almost always die young, as they burn brightly and enjoy all of the joys in life lacking any discipline, self control or ability to move in any way but what the wind dictates of them. When they die, they die mutilated by the risks they took when they slept with dangerous men or animals, they die from drugs no man would have allowed them to take, or they die from illnesses they caught in their undisciplined lives with no ability to pay for people to look after them and with not family to care enough for them to do so.

In the symbiosis of marriage both individuals provide what the other lacks, with the man offering stability and protection and the woman offering vibrancy and life and each of them take a small part of the other within them. But that is the ideal situation and I’ve never been in anything even approaching an ideal situation until now.

“Do you understand what I am asking you Mei Lin?” Bao asked me.

Both of us were sitting down in our quarters and on our small cushion, a cup of tea in front of us on the small tea table. The tea cup was now empty as part of mt daily ritual my senior insisted to partake in every now and then.

The well maintained wooden architecture and furniture were something that would have been an insult to offer to distinguished guests to partake in, but here was almost the height of luxury because Seventh Yellow Hill Town was a poor town still.

“I understand senior.” I answered with a deep bow.

I am not married in an ideal marriage, I am a concubine, a lesser thing incapable of so much as looking after her own needs and instead must rely on the largesse of another woman taking me in and helping me fulfill something approaching the duties of a wife in exchange for a family that will not let me die alone and unloved.

My Senior, a younger woman called Bao Xiaoli is the woman whose kindness I am forced to live off of if I want a family of my own. She was currently assessing me the same way I have seen mothers asses unruly children, which was certainly an odd experience I didn't thin I'd experience again.

“I have done such things before, Bao, it is hardly unusual that I’ll help Tai with his lusts.” I explained with a shrug.

I had to do plenty of things other women felt regretful of to make sure my brothers and I had something approaching an easy life before they turned fourteen and were allowed to try for a scholarship, and a few more even I find repulsive afterwards, until all of us got our scholarship and the general made it clear that the clans daring to do anything about it would end poorly.

It was easy enough to do, just lift my dress up, bend over to the man who will make a problem go away or down and in-between the legs of whoever paid the most or could provide the notes of those that passed past Examinations, or even have some of those very men and women be willing to give us some tutoring.

I saw the pattern I was getting into, the many expectations of what my social purpose would be, and how many doors were closing to me if I or my younger brothers were to fail in their ambition, an ambition I dared not oppose them in, lest I be left truly alone. I have seen what older women, who have found themselves unable to even properly mimic the warmth men need to feel happy, end up as and despite my best attempts I was never capable of mimicking kindness, not for long at least.

I had fallen into this pattern due to how easy it was before the two fools decided to risk it all becoming a cultivator, so they in a sense saved me from that as well. I still would have rather they just found something else that was worthwhile to do, get married and take me in as thanks for looking after them.

I don’t know why my brothers insisted I was kind, the other women trying to do what I did never seemed to agree once I left them disfigured and broken or dead once others broke them and I ensured they don’t recover to give me more competition.

“Do you really have to say it like that?” She asked exasperatedly.

“It's the truth, you want to open my legs if Tai ever asks it, but as he won’t ask you want me to make sure his dick is wet and not even thinking of wandering where it shouldn’t.” I said simply.

There is something of the coldness of men that Tai Su has, that Bao claims wasn’t there before becoming a cultivator. It’s not visible when Bao is near him, but when she is gone Tai Su loses a bit of the warmth in him. His thoughts and actions grow colder, the way he feeds me grows more distant and always tinged with a bit of curiosity as he wonders how the way he feeds me will affect me or if anything will learn to stick.

Master Shen Xifeng told me that when I reach the second tier I will be able to use artifacts that regulate my emotions and help me feel, at tier three I will be able to make artifacts that make me feel whatever emotions I so please, or perform techniques that do the same and if I ever manage to reach Nascent Soul then I will be the self that my own tainted blood denied me.

“I want you to do a bit more than that.” She replied, her voice thick with annoyance.

“You want me and little Ya to do that, but we both know she will be looking after his emotional needs and I’ll merely help guide her when a problem comes, because she most certainly won’t be opening her robes for him.” I said simply.

My senior glared, but she always faltered when she was confronted with the truth and this time was no different.

Ya Xue is a kind woman, but whatever her issues with physical intimacy and her own feelings of inadequacy were, they make her highly receptive to feelings of love, praise and a sense that she belongs somewhere. However, the moment any more lustful things enter the equation, she freezes, which combined with her bouts of doubting her self worth, as well her worth as a woman meant that anything approaching sexual intimacy is nigh impossible to get her to engage in.

She can handle the emotional aspects of a wife’s duty and I can handle the more physical ones. Our system is easy, efficient and something our senior continues trying to change because she will not let us remain broken.

“And you haven’t been able to lower her barriers on that? I know you’ve been trying.” She asked.

It was my turn to sigh at that. Yes I have been trying, partially to get her more comfortable around me and be easier to manipulate and partially because Bao wanted me to succeed once she found out what I was trying. I was certainly not expecting encouragement when my senior found out what I was trying to do, but I've grown used to the experience by now.

“No, she is comfortable enough to look at me with hunger and sometimes her hand even tries to touch, but she quickly slaps herself when she notices it. Subtly trying to entice her does not work and opening my legs and inviting her to lick or offering the same doesn’t help either. You’ll have to try and tie her down and have your way with her if you want her plundered.” I explained.

“We are not doing that Mei Lin.” She ordered me with steel in her voice.

Beneath her, her hands clenched into fists too and she looked ready to rise up and strike me, and considering her training discipline and the fact she has been cultivating far faster than me meant that I had little chance of victory should this come to blows.

I was not impressed and unlike in the first few days of our assignment to this small town, I did not pretend to cower. Bao Xiaoli does not respect cowering or groveling, nor treated you any better if you engage in the acts. No, instead those acts made her angry when she knew you did not mean them and she knew perfectly well I couldn't mean them.

She expects you to look her dead in the eyes and tell her exactly what you think and then when she orders you to do what your advice said you shouldn’t do, you do it regardless and then do the same thing again when you have another opinion.

These villagers are weird. They demand you to have an opinion then tell you to do as you are told regardless, and sometimes they’ll actually listen to your opinion if they think you’re making a good point.

Talking back is allowed, acting in any way but the way you were ordered is not, unless you are actually incapable of doing what they demand of you.

“I was not offering, I was explaining the only plan I think might work to get her to engage in physical intimacy. You might be able to lower her barriers in a few years with the gentle method, or you can treat her like the wild stallion she is and break her in under you ministration’s or Tai’s dick or both or have mine added to either.” I answered her glare with one of my own.

She respected me more when she saw that I was serious and not merely whining because I felt like it.

“We are not doing any of that, you will do your duties and see if your fellow junior can’t be slowly convinced to do as she is meant to do! I know you can’t offer any actual comfort Tai will believe and so I am not demanding it of you for now, not until your issues are solved, but until then we’ll work on solving little Ya’s issues just as we work on yours.” She said finally and I nodded.

Both Ya Xue and I were broken and lesser in different ways.

The breaking of her marriage, broke something in the girl, something that wasn’t helped when her own banner kin decided to call her a traitor and she had to side against them, thus having her abandon her family before they had to decide between her and the rest of her legacy. Despite her not being able to offer certain kinds of intimacy or the strength of her social network, she could still offer some warmth to Bao and Tai, and both of them knew she meant it.

I could offer even less to a husband. I had some social ties yet, my brothers could offer support and the way the two were getting seduced by some foxes meant they would be able to add they own social networks to the clan Tai was trying to make, but I could not provide any emotional warmth, which meant my body would suffice.

“I will do as you order senior.” I promised and pretended to not having noticed the indignity.

I noticed and did not care and I imagine even if I had the ability to feel emotions right now I still wouldn’t care.

I considered the possibility of abandoning this arrangement in the last few months after I was given the silver uniform and even before I knew what it meant. I had no ability to even form an attachment and I imagine it would be easy to find one of the other Ice Blooded in the sect and offer myself to them for guidance, especially after Elder Shen Xifeng offered to arrange for introductions. They knew what my offer meant and I doubt any would say no if I offered, but I had no desire to actually do any of that.

The desire to feel emotions was there, and while Tai was the first to make me experience them, he was not the only one with the ability and that ability is not why I chose to stay.

“See that you do and also take care of yourself. I have packed your rations for the trip and made sure to look over your preparations and added some things I thought you would need that you didn’t. Would you like to check for yourself?” She asked and the conversation completely switched tracks.

One moment she was making demands of me and treating me like a man’s toy that the man was barely interested in using and the next one she was making sure I was fed, safe and well treated.

I could see to her side the leather fanny pack in question and I shook my head.

“No Bao, I trust you.” I answered with a wry smile.

Talk about my duties was over, now it was the time for her to look out after me.

“Good, don’t forget to remind Tai and little Ya to keep a slower pace to allow you and Da Xiu to keep up. I made sure you have some extra soap and threw away the lye trash you insist on using and added some proper scented soaps. I don’t know how many time I have to explain to you, you no longer live like a pauper! You can buy yourself better things than the bare minimum!” She declared with mock anger.

Oh it wasn't mock anger, there was some actual anger beneath those words, but most of it was a mix of outrage at my own fiscal responsibility and my lack of desire to change my habits. I don’t need scented soaps and perfumes except for special occasions, but I know Bao does not tell me to pack those things just because she wants me to fuck Tai Su and make sure his sexual needs are met.

She does the same for Ya Xue when she has her own issues because she takes her role as our senior seriously. She is genuinely looking after us, making sure that two women who can’t do right as wives are looked after and all she demands from us is obey her.

I have paid more for less many time before, when I was just a mortal woman. If it’s one thing my life before being a cultivator drilled into my head, is that you don’t say no to a good deal, because you won’t get too many of those.

“I won’t forget senior, and there’s nothing wrong with some fiscal responsibility, it’s not like I am any less clean from using lye soap.” I answered.

The younger woman just looked exasperatedly at me before she continued explaining to me the benefits of me smelling nice and how it can make one more confident in themselves, none of the reasons she did so so much as touching on my assigned duties to our husband.

No, I won’t be leaving or ending our current relationship, not now and probably not for a very long time if ever. Me being taken in by this demanding woman was the best deal I ever got and I am not letting go of it. I never had any sense or care for my own dignity, but even the demeaning way I have to think of my own position in life is far less an indignity than I would have to suffer anywhere else and what I got in return was more than I could ever get otherwise.

Our bickering continued for another hour until we had to stop and make myself ready to leave. I was about to embark on a mission after all.

~~~~Tai Su~~~~

The life of a scholar in one filled with reading the works of those that came before you, looking upon their words in search of something greater than what is merely written there. Sometimes that something exists, and other times?

Other times you are reading nonsense someone pretended was profound and scammed generations with their nonsense.

“Whoever you are Meng Fan Shi, I hope you died drowned in your own shit so that you forever feel a fragment of the indignity one has to feel when reading your texts.” I declared scornfully as I put away the desecration of the written word I had just finished reading.

“It’s not that bad Tai Su, Meng did have some interesting points, especially the one on the nature of Virtue being ‘The Same as the Wind, forever moving and yet forever youthfully there.’ Teacher Hao Wen said from a table besides mine.

She didn't even look up as she did that.

We were in our common quarters now, those prepared for us to work in, as we tried to unite our people’s understanding of each other’s values in a way beyond that went beyond my barely coherent thought processes and using the previously unheard concept of social currency. Both of us were reading the texts presented to us and distilling them into a format both our peoples can understand the same thing from.

“His metaphors are shit, his understanding of the natural world is shit, his understanding of virtue does not account for the individual or their actions, and if one were to take his words seriously, then the natural end result would be the de-individualization of humans being the end-state of virtue, something the Imperial Cult which espouses and protects the Virtue of Imperial Citizens is meant to prevent.” I said back.

Whoever this Meng was, his teachings were a poison to everything I believed in. His view of virtue implied that individual humans are irrelevant and that virtue only means to maintain the trappings of civilization running.

It does not matter if it’s the mother of a child raising the child, as long as he is being raised, it does not matter who a man is sleeping with and sharing a meal with as long as his loins produced a child. It does not matter who the woman is breast feeding as long as she is breastfeeding and it does not matter who holds the spear as long as it is being held. It does not matter who espouses the words of virtue as long as they are being said. It does not matter if you even have an opinion, as long as your actions are done with Virtue.

All of his teachings revolved around the lack of importance of the individual, and if one were to take them to their natural end point then having the entirety of humanity being lobotomized and only endlessly repeating words they don’t understand and fighting against anything not itself was the Height of Virtue.

My teacher sighed in what has become a long argument between the two of us.

“Not everything has to be taken to ridiculous extremes Tai. A lot of his words exist in the context of the current reality where the Rebellion of the Stellar Blade Sect and the Treachery of the Shu had just happened. It's natural that he would naturally be a bit harsher on the concept of Free Will. It doesn’t mean he wants to scour all humans of it!” She replied exasperated.

“In two hundreds years people that read it won’t remember that, they will only consider his words profound because others say they are and will look at loyal subjects of the Empress as things to be Improved by lacking the ability to ever disagree with the opinions of their betters. If his words don’t expressly create a limit to how far they can be taken, then they will eventually be taken further then they should.” I retorted.

That’s how it always goes. If your words make perfect sense during your current situation, then when that situation ends, they won’t. If people still continue to consider them profound then they will start applying them to situations beyond what they were most likely intended to.

‘On the Nature and Power of Choice’ was a lengthy treatise which was meant to subtly criticize the large amount of autonomy sects and nobles have from the Imperial Government and credit where credit is due, Meng Fan Shi did a wonderful job of it. The issue is that he did it so well, people could genuinely look at it and, if they did not know of what had recently happened to cause him to write it, they would think that he meant that to have Virtue one must remove people’s ability to go against what is right.

“In that time, people will no longer be reading it.” She hit back.

Both of us disagreed on a single fundamental thing. I knew from my past life that people will use written words to justify their opinions. If a famous and well respected writer gets their writings added as a reference to thousands of others, then people can and will remember it, but they won’t remember the exact circumstances that lead to their words being written, especially when not when doing so means that the views they already hold are validated.

And that’s assuming they will be properly quoted in the first place, but I did not feel like fighting a fight I knew one needed to see the physical reality and consequences of to believe, because some things are so idiotic one needs to see them happen to believe them. And sometimes not even that will be enough to convince a scholar.

“We won’t be using it anyway, not without mentioning the exact circumstances and being explicit about it.” I declared finally.

If a work needs the context of its author's current life to be understood, then it’s shit that will be used for whatever purpose others want. If people can understand what one meant regardless of the time and circumstances they are in, then their work has value and should be forever remembered.

“Tai, we need some sort of symbolism for things, we can’t have all our writings be so dry and explicit it feels like a logistics manual. Books need to have wit in them!” She retorted.

She was looking at me and saw the truth, and the truth was that I was not convinced. Those manuals were worth more than my weight in spirit stones. Reading one was the first time I think I fell in love with a book.

They were short, concise, had genuine wisdom to be added and were nothing but useful.

“Nobody was ever mislead when reading one, and ‘On the Worth of Paper’ had plenty of wit!” I declared.

“It had seven ways to kill someone by turning paper into a rock and making someone eat it willingly or unwillingly!” She all but shouted back.

“Do you have any idea how hilarious that is?” I laughed as I recalled that exact line.

Whoever wrote that line, knew the type of humor I loved and was a master of it.

“No Tai I don’t. Nobody but you and whatever bureaucrat wrote that does, and I have my doubts about the bureaucrat. “ She replied, mirth obvious in her voice.

I sighed, that book was priceless and I would accept no argument against it, no matter what everyone else thought about it.

“You can keep your symbolism teacher, and I’ll stick to a technical description. We can do something like in one of the plays you told me about where one man is the straight man and the other the funny one, but both of us are saying the same thing, only in different ways.” I offered.

“We are already doing that, but I also believe your people’s scholars will take your words more seriously if you speak in the language they want to hear your words spoken in.” She replied tiredly.

I don’t want someone’s mouthpiece that can’t even espouse anything they want or believe in to be happy to share my words. I want the bureaucracy to not be able to misinterpret them, I want the dirty shit stains incapable of holding to any principles or ideas someone else doesn’t approve of to be forced to repeat my words and agree with them because someone else demands that they do.

“I don’t care for their approval, they certainly did not care for mine before they tried to slander me at the palace and claim I stole their ideas and transcribed it poorly.” I declared spitefully.

Some shit stains tried that sort of thing, Elder Shen Xifeng informed me of it and Sect Master Fu Jian asked me how thorough they want their apology to be, as the Empress was quite cross with them once she found out what they were trying to do.

The century old immortals didn’t understand why I 'only' demanded a Public Apology and an Admittance of the fact they tried to steal credit for the work of a peasant in front of their peers and nobility and what that meant. Even the Empress sent me a letter asking me if I was sure that was all I wanted, and from what I was able to gather she was asking me why I wanted so little.

They didn't understand the fact that my price was exorbitant until the suicides started.

“Tai, the people that tried that are already dead, by their own hand at that.” She said as she sighed again.

Neither she nor the cultivators understood why the scholars tried to commit suicide from what would otherwise be a slight humiliation that high society can just pretend did not happen.

A scholar’s, and I use the term loosely, self-worth is given by their ability to claim to themselves that they have worth. They need to prove that they are intelligent to themselves and one another and that they are smarted than everyone else and should be valued due to it.

Having them admit publicly that they, not only got outdone by an uneducated peasant in their field of study, not only that I did that without following any of their ‘academic’ principles, but that they decided to steal said work and claim it as their own and are forced to publicly acknowledge it in a way they can’t deny it. It was a blow to their Face and Pride they couldn't just pretend didn't happen.

The Apology means that they can’t deny that their entire self-worth is a lie, that everything they have built means nothing and that their and their entire profession's words are truly meaningless. Having them admit what they have done in front of their peers and those whom they speak for simply means that they are forced to face it, that they cannot hide it from themselves and anyone else and here in an age where Shame is a genuine thing, there was only a single option they would and could take. The only option they had was the one that washed their shame from their souls and perhaps could salvage their profession's honor.

“Yes and the rest of the scholars will be cowed from being this obviously scummy for a few decades before they do this sort of thing again publicly, but let us not talk about it for now, it’s getting close to noon and I’ll need to go find Ya Xue and get her to Bao.” I said simply.

I wanted to do some work in the morning with teacher as I won’t be able to do any for a few weeks. From my estimations we should be leaving in two or three hours which was plenty enough to get Ya Xue away from her current project.

I put my pencil down into its case and started to stretch lightly.

“Where are you going? You told me you have a mission but did not tell me what.” She asked me as I rose up.

It was a quiet acceptance of the change in a topic, one which I took even if part of the subject made me uncomfortable.

“Some rogue cultivator decided to go live among the Wolf clan in the province. Ya Xue, Mei Lin, Da Xiu and I are meant to go to the tribe, talk to them and their newest human member and politely ask him some questions to get used with acting around other cultures. If they refuse to answer or be polite, then we will go back to Elder Shen Xifeng and she’ll come back and be far less polite.” I answered.

I omitted talking about the fact the individual was reincarnated. I did not like to think about it after Elder Shen Xifeng showed me what she did to the other reincarnated individual she got her hands on. Hopefully if I don’t think for too much about it, then I might not have nightmares again about being turned into a chrysalis one day .

“Well, I need a break too, so I am going to take a nap and then look over the letters and Ancestor Wen’s attempts at finding me a husband.” She said, her words turning into a grumble the more she spoke.

Ancestor Wen had taken in teacher as his own ward and that meant that he was the one responsible for her future marriage prospects, as her father was in his own words ‘incapable of handling such an investment’.

Apparently that is an incredibly rare thing, but her own father all but exiling her to die and her managing to turn that around into securing a plethora of future investments was enough to allow him to break traditions to a rather unhealthy degree. It helped that teacher Hao Wen was ecstatic about it when she heard, but that giddiness quickly died out when her new Guardian started being insistent on her finding someone to marry.

“Still no luck?” I asked her.

“No, none of those the Ancestor tries to make me take into consideration have the sort of accomplishments I am interested in, are cultivators or are already married, which means I would have to be a second or heavens forbid third wife. At least the Ancestor was not shameless enough to try to get me to be a fourth wife or I would have publicly denounced him.” She declared with a scoff, her ears flat on her head and her tail bristling in anger.

“You seem like the sort of woman that would like a second husband teacher. Tell Ancestor Wen that and he might start looking in that direction.” I replied only half-jesting.

The woman looked half scandalized and half amused by my words.

“Two husbands? That sounds like too much of a chore to bother. I don’t know why you and Bao bothered with concubines, having to share a roof with another person and raising children already sounds too daunting of a task, having to do so with three? I don’t have the patience for it, but everyone has to unfortunately.” She explained.

Then she quickly came to hug me before I could answer, her own little message that she did not want to continue that line of thought, and I hugged her back with a smile in silent agreement.

“Take care of yourself Tai Su. The Wolf Clan are an old species, not as old as yours, but they didn’t survive this long without a Nascent Soul among them by being stupid. If they try something just run.” She said.

I doubted they’d try anything, their lives depended on the Empire deciding they were not worth the time to squash because they were harmless. If they start attacking sect disciples in the Prefectures they are not actively hunted out from then that consideration changes.

I did not say any of that, instead I gave her the answer she wanted to hear.

“I will be careful teacher, now if you’ll excuse me I have to get Ya Xue.” I replied.

The hug lasted a bit longer before it was done and then I was off to the tomboyish woman ready for our trip, assuming she wasn’t already done, but I doubted it.

Ever since we’ve came into town, Ya Xue has gotten quite interested in carving and she has already finished some projects like a game board for Bao and I to play checkers on.