Chapter 178: 2-3
Fresh out of the bath and wearing my seventeen-year-old mother’s oversized nightgown (Lily had made the excuse, "I chose the smallest size I had!"), I hesitated in front of the mirror. Around my collarbone, the scar holding my memories with Harry peeked out.
How loyal it is. Even though my body had mercilessly shrunk back to that of an eleven-year-old, the scar remained clearly visible. ...Perhaps, I had wished for it to.
I felt no shame. Lacking the self-awareness of a woman, I didn't have the mental makeup to lament that a lifelong scar would ruin my chances of marriage. After all, I am Harry, the one who shares his very destiny with the lightning bolt scar. No matter how heavily scarred I might be, I still had the confidence to completely steal his body and soul... Well, let's just set that aside for now.
The problem was Lily's reaction. I wouldn't lament over it. But—she would be hurt as if the scar were her own. I already knew she was that kind of person.
"Maria? Have you changed? Can I come in? I'd like to brush your hair."
"I can do it myself."
"I want to do it. This is one of my dreams, too. Besides—I'm starting to figure you out. You're the type to say you'll dry it, but end up going to sleep with it half-wet, aren't you?"
"......"
"I can see right through you. I am your mother, after all."
A light, giggling laugh echoed in the hallway. I stopped my half-hearted, sloppy brushing and called out my surrender to the stubborn mother waiting behind the door. Oh well, whatever happens, happens.
"────That..."
My mother was left speechless. I could only imagine how bizarre the severe, puckered scars decorating this malnourished, skeletal frame looked to her. I didn't care in the slightest if anyone insulted or degraded me—but being found creepy by my mother would be hard to bear.
However, Lily, my mother...
"...Does it hurt?"
She gently touched Maria's skin. With trembling fingertips, she traced the scars that had discolored into the hue of red flesh.
"Not anymore. But—yeah, it did hurt."
The words slipped out honestly. It wasn't just physical pain. Something beyond words was carved in here. —You were the one who carved it, Harry.
"I wish I could have taken all of it in your place. What a pathetic mother I am."
"You did take it in my place."
I answered her sorrowful voice without a moment's hesitation. In my place—you gave your life.
Lily leaned down and hugged me from the front. Just as she had scolded, she ran her hands through my still-damp hair, stroking it as if brushing it. It was a mother's touch.
"You're such a gentle child."
"...Because I am the child you're so proud of."
Hehe. She laughed softly by my ear. What a tender moment. I felt like I could melt away into this ephemeral world.
"If it doesn't bother you—then I shouldn't cry. Because I am the mother you are so proud of."
"That's right, Mum."
Eventually, she pulled away. Now, let me do something motherly, she said, sitting me down in front of the dresser with a towel in her hands.
"We look exactly alike."
"We really do."
The two redheads reflected in the mirror had slightly different hair textures, but otherwise, they looked identical, as if one person had been split into two. The shape of the nose, the lips, the jaw, the facial contours, and even the skin tone were the same as the person reflected there. —Only the eyes showed my father.
"You wouldn't know this, but—originally, I absolutely hated your father."
"I know."
"Oh, you know? Did I tell you in the future? Or was there a chatterbox nearby?"
"…………"
"It's alright, you don't have to answer. Let me just cherish this time I'm spending with you. —Anyway, I really was supposed to hate him... Say, why do you think things turned out like this?"
"Why?"
I tilted my head slightly, careful not to get in my mother's way. The fluffy tips of my hair, caught in the breeze, tickled my neck and cheeks. She brushed it away with her fingers, and with a childlike expression, my mother laughed merrily from the bottom of her heart.
"Hehe, well... It's because of Harry! Because of what happened with Harry, we ended up becoming conscious of each other! Surprising, isn't it?"
"──That's..."
"He was spouting nonsense in his sleep about it being love at first sight. There's no way that's true. I remember it perfectly. When we first met on the Hogwarts Express, he and Sirius had the most obnoxiously hateful looks on their faces. Then he insulted Sev—and even sneered at me! Where on earth was there any room for love at first sight, I ask you? Don't you agree?"
"Hmm..."
That's exactly your problem, Dad.
"But—but still... I understand it when I look at Harry. If he is the father and I am the mother, we'd have such a cute, wonderful child... And I thought, yeah, maybe that's not so bad after all. Once I thought that—there was nothing else I could do."
Suddenly, with a final gentle breeze, my mother's hands stopped drying my red hair. From behind, she wrapped me in a tight embrace, her arms still carrying the warmth of the hot air.
"It wasn't a mistake after all. And it's not just Harry. —Maria, I am so incredibly happy that you were born to us like this, that you chose us as your parents. I'm so proud. I'm so happy. Being able to call you my daughter, and having you call me mother. —It truly is pure happiness."
"────"
I reflexively looked down. Just for this moment, I was glad I had let my hair grow out. I was thankful for Maria's hair, which hid my profile.
Ah────── It's impossible.
It's impossible for me. I don't have the arms to hold a child like this. I cannot harbor this kind of warmth. I... can never be a "mother."
The reason I decided to bear a child despite being a man was because I wanted to take them back. Because I didn't want to steal them away. Scorpius from Draco. And my Maria.
It isn't that I want my own child. That has been decided for a long time. My children aren't Scorpius or Maria—it's only you: James, Albus, and Lily. I am your father, and right now—I am just a "nobody," constantly wishing for the impossible.
I cannot be your mother────
Now that I have known a true "mother"—that fact was cruelly thrust before my eyes.
"Mum."
"What is it, Maria? My sweet Maria."
"I'm sorry."
"...It's alright. If you're going to cry anyway—then cry against your mother's chest. Let me do at least that much. I'll surely end up being a terrible mother who leaves you both feeling lonely far too early, and I won't ask you to forgive me for that—but just for now, let me be your mother like this."
"...Mum...!"
The empty shell of Maria clung to her dreaming mother and wept.
Then, late in the night—the incident occurred.
I woke up. Abruptly. I sprang out of bed as if pulled by the very air itself. I had a premonition. I had been worried about this. —And I was right.
I broke into a run. I descended the stairs leading to the common room. I threw myself into the pitch-black hall.
"Harry."
The tiny, solitary Harry was curled up on the cold sofa. As if rejecting the entirety of a world he couldn't accept.
"Harry."
I touched his shoulder. Then, I realized. The shadows in the common room didn't belong to Harry alone. Looking further, I saw Dad and his best friends, looking terribly uncomfortable. —Harry surely hadn't been able to bear being in a bed surrounded by his departed loved ones.
"Harry."
"Maria."
A dazed voice called Maria's name.
"I'm right here."
"It's a lie."
"You can touch me."
"It's a dream."
"I have body heat, too."
"I don't believe it."
"I'm alive."
"────You died!!"
I heard someone gasp sharply from the darkness. Who was it? Was it Dad, Mum, or maybe Sirius? It didn't matter.
"Harry."
"You died! Without a doubt, right then! Because I checked. I prayed, I begged, I called your name—I squeezed your sleeping hand over and over. But you never squeezed back even once—you were as cold as a doll."
"Harry."
"You don't understand, do you? How I feel every time I fall asleep, every time I wake up, suspecting that everything might be a lie. Wondering if I've been insane ever since that day, and that I'm just dreaming of you. The overwhelming terror I feel right before falling asleep when I watch you close your eyes. Every single day!"
"Harry..."
"That's how awful a thing you did! You hurt me! You hurt Draco, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, everyone—you hurt everyone!"
"Yes──you're right."
I rubbed the back of the messily screaming Harry. Absolutely terrified, Harry hugged himself tightly, as if I weren't even there.
To us, death is something incredibly familiar. It is commonplace, so much so that it could even be called a lifelong friend we meet at the very end. And Harry's relationship with it carries a far more visceral pain than mine.
Because Maria had died, leaving Harry behind.
"Maria──I wished for you to die. I wished for you to die with me."
I heard a sob. It must have been Mum.
"Liar."
"I'm sorry."
"I won't forgive you."
"Don't forgive me."
"I'll never forgive you for the rest of my life. I won't forgive you even if I die. I won't forgive you until I die."
"That's fine."
Slowly, weak hands wrapped around my back. He finally hugged me back.
"This is a dream. Right? Because Sirius is here. Lupin is here. Pettigrew is here. ──Dad and Mum are alive."
"Maybe so."
"Then, what about you? When I wake up, will you be gone?"
"...If I were gone, would you refuse to wake up?"
Harry didn't answer. He simply dropped a single sentence.
"Don't leave me behind──Maria."
I won't. Never again. (──Because Maria has long since gone.) Knowing full well he wouldn't believe me, I repeated it anyway. That was all I could do.
"If I lose you, I'll be all alone."
"No, you won't. You have Ginny. You're going to build a new family with Ginny."
"And Maria won't be there. ──I can't bear that."
Panting as he let the words spill out, Harry closed his eyes. He fell asleep as if fainting. In fact, it was no different from fainting. His mind had reached its absolute limit.
"Maria."
I looked up. Holding Mum's shoulder as she held back tears, Dad was looking at us with a solemn expression.
"Apparently, I died once. And that──caused the greatest trauma for him."
"Of course it did. Even I wanted to start screaming just listening to that."
"Are you going to scold me for pushing my brother this far?"
"Of course. But more than that──I want to hug you."
Dad hugged me tightly from the front, taking Harry in his arms as well. The warmth at my back was Mum.
"You've worked so hard, haven't you."
"Yeah. I worked really hard."
"I see, then──I'll scold you, but I'll have to praise you just as much."
Dad's face crumpled. He looked exactly like Harry did just a moment ago.
"Dad, Mum. Could I sleep here with Harry tonight? ...We've always done this."
I murmured. ─It's ethically wrong. I understand that. Even if we are blood-related siblings, we are male and female, we are both adults, and we both have lovers we've sworn our futures to—so sharing a bed is by no means an acceptable act. It is abnormal.
But none of that mattered in the face of Harry's anguish. The sight of Harry checking Maria's breathing and body heat every morning was too pitiful. So much so that Ginny and Draco shook their heads, completely at a loss for what to do.
"No."
Dad declared flatly.
"Use a proper bed. ──My bed, that is."
"…………What will you do, Dad?"
"I'll just sneak into Sirius's bed or something."
"Huh?! Why would you do that!"
"Because you have the best sleeping manners. It's surprising, really. You look just like a nobleman, but only when you're asleep!"
"Your sarcasm is sloppy, Prongs."
Laughter erupted. The dark, damp atmosphere regained its cheerfulness with just a single word from James. What an incredible person. Surely, he possesses a natural talent for taking control of the mood in any room.
Easily lifting the small Harry into his arms, James exchanged a goodnight kiss with Lily, who couldn't hide her loneliness, and opened the door to the dormitory. Leaving a lingering ache in everyone's hearts, the night deepened as it marched toward morning.
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